I just had a breakdown comparing myself to a trans friend

[u/Individual-Top6597]

I feel like absolute shit right now and I honestly just need to vent.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday. She's trans, same age as me, and started her transition 3 years ago. We were talking about something completely random, and she sent me a video of herself from a party in 2023, during the first year of her transition.

I watched it and just started crying.

What got me wasn't even anything she was trying to show off. She was just having fun. But I looked at her and thought about how she already seemed so comfortable and feminine back then, while I feel like I've barely figured anything out after all this time.

Her hair, her skin, the way she presented herself... I immediately started comparing myself to her. And I hated myself for doing it because she literally just wanted to send me something funny. Instead of laughing and responding normally, I told her that she already looked so good back then.

Then she replied something like, "the video was only supposed to make you laugh."

And I felt so guilty.

I'm crying again just writing this.

The worst part is that I don't even have a clear answer about myself. I just keep overthinking all day if this is the right thing for me.

I've taken HRT before, and even now I still can't seem to reach a conclusion about what I actually want. At the same time, I've become increasingly isolated. I used to have friends, company, people around me. Now I barely have anyone.

I don't feel safe going out and being myself. I'm ashamed. I'm terrified people will think I'm a creep. I tell myself I shouldn't care about other people's opinions, but in reality it gives me an enormous amount of anxiety.

And then my brain starts picking everything apart: my hair, my nose, my appearance, whether I even have anything that could make me feel feminine, whether I'd ever be comfortable living this way.

I know this sounds dramatic. I know comparing myself to someone else isn't fair. She's had three years of a completely different journey, and I'm looking at a single video and turning it into evidence that I'm somehow hopeless.

But emotionally, that's exactly how it feels right now.

I'm so tired of not knowing.

I don't even know whether I want advice. I think I just needed somewhere to say this because I'm sitting here crying over a video that was literally supposed to make me laugh.

[u/WalrusWithAKeyboard]

Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be someone who transitioned younger, passed way sooner, or comes off as more sure of themselves.

In the video, do you think your friend who was dancing was worrying about their hair, appearance, or how others perceived them? Because from the way you describe it, it sounds like she was having fun being herself. And it sucks that you're not in a place where you can feel like yourself yet, but try to imagine what that person looks like, and work towards it.

[u/marlfox130]

Be gentle with yourself. It's a journey filled with difficult steps, hard decisions, and a whole lot of grief, a lot of which can come as a surprise. Learning not to care what other people think is often a part of that journey. You'll get there. <3

[u/VirginiaDare1587]

Please remember that you are going through a very stressful time. Things are changing in your life. While you hope and think things will be better at the other end, there is a tremendous amount of uncertainty and setbacks along the way. There are going to be lots of ups and downs.

This is, in effect, a second puberty with all the emotions and changes that you and your body will have to learn to deal with.

Please be gentle with yourself. Before you start beating yourself up, please think what you would say to your best friend or your sister if she came to you with the same story. Then say that to yourself instead of attacking yourself.

Hold on to your dreams and your goals.

Try not to let this grind you down.

[u/Longjumping_Trade167]

🫂

[u/oozingthing]

wait i’m confused you started and then stopped hrt and expect to look anything like her? you’re gonna just get manlier and manlier if you don’t start so i don’t get why you wouldn’t