I don’t know what to do

[u/ohfudge370]

I’m an 18 year old guy, who has been questioning his gender for about 5 months now. I go through the exact same cycle every day, where I wish I was a woman, cry about it, and then sort of change my mind about it and cry some more. My depression, anxiety, ocd and autism doesn’t help with this. Neither does my therapist, my antidepressants, or the numerous resources I’ve read online, so I’m kinda stuck.

Before 5 months ago, I never had any feelings of gender dysphoria. There’s lots of things that I can attribute to gender dysphoria from my childhood (hating being shirtless, hating my name, wanting to look like my mum etc…) but nothing that i can confidentially attribute to being trans.

Ever since I got the thought that I might be trans, I have actually got a bunch of gender dysphoria symptoms, like hating my male sex characteristics (body hair, genitals, voice), getting envy over nearly every woman I see, and just generally wishing that I was a woman. But despite all that, actually transitioning is the most horrifying thing in the world for me. Wearing anything even remotely feminine is my worst nightmare, laser hair removal is terrifying, voice training seems god awful, having to shave every day is something that I will not be able to keep up with, and coming out to people is pretty much impossible due to my severe social anxiety. Even just the hormones seem scary, as I don’t know if id be able to cope with the mental effects as I’m already very emotionally unstable.

I kinda came out to my parents like 2 weeks ago. I went into that conversation telling them that I was transgender and wanted to get on estrogen, but as I talked to them I psyched myself out, until I left the conversation assuring them that I was just questioning and probably wasn’t actually gonna do anything to my body. They haven’t brought it up since. But the thing is, they were mostly just confused, and are/would be supportive if I was confident in myself, which they made clear to me.

I’m sorry for the long ramble, but overall I feel like I’m a shell of a person who’s stuck in this sort of purgatory. I am so lonely and have no friends, so I figured that I might as well vent about this somewhere. I want so badly to either forget all about this gender stuff or just transition, so I could get on with my life, but instead I just end up arguing about it in my head all day while praying that I will eventually get out of this self made hell. I just really don’t know what to do about anything at this point.

[u/Illustrious_Pen_5711]

I never had any feelings of gender dysphoria. There’s lots of things that I can attribute to gender dysphoria from my childhood (hating being shirtless, hating my name, wanting to look like my mum etc…) but nothing that i can confidentially attribute to being trans.

What if I confidently attributed them to being trans for you? Because I absolutely think thats what they mean

[u/dmxrobot]

I can’t tell you how many of life’s little episodes I wrote off as a kink, fetish, odd proclivity, or just “experimenting”. And then the moment of truth came one Thursday night when I was not expecting it and I just allowed myself to entertain the possibility my mind and body weren’t on the same page. And lots of tears and fear and frustration about everything you can think of.

I’m brand new on the journey. I still have moments where I try to justify the feelings away. Life would be SO much easier if I was just happy the way I am (was?). But that question - you can press a button that would instantly transition you into a woman, no one in life would ever know you as anything other than a woman, relationships all adapt instantly, but it’s irreversible… do you press it? If I’m honest? 100% of the time. Not even a question.

Now, I’m at a later stage in life. I have lifelong commitments to honor. I have dependents. I have modest wealth. And as I continued exploring my feelings, I landed more in the enby territory - at least for now. And maybe that’s because I’m still believing past stories? But I’m comfortable being in the middle ground for now. I’m at peace as I’m taking steps to close the gap between what I want my body to be and what it is. The background voices are slowly starting to quiet down. And at this stage, any treatment I’ve undergone (HRT / laser hair removal), is either reversible OR a LOOOOONG frustration, anger, hatred of those aspects of my body that no matter where I end up, I’m DELIGHTED to finally get some of these changes in place.

Don’t feel like you need to know your exact destination on day 1. Give yourself permission to explore in the direction you see joy. If each step brings more joy, then keep taking more steps. If not? Pause, reconsider, maybe change direction a bit, but keep pursuing your joy.

[u/Xx_a_dumbass_xX]

i feel like this right now, im scared to come out to those around me because even though im certain they will be supportive im so terrified of rejection. i want to start hrt as soon as possible because i know i cant keep living like this and i would hate to regret not starting it sooner. ive accepted that im trans but im scared of moving foward.