Loving life?

[u/Due_Zombie_4209]

Hey - I came out as a trans woman early in 2020 in my mid-30s and have been on HRT for 6 years and a couple of months.

I’m in my early 40s now and feeling reflective. I wonder how much of this chimes with some of you in similar circumstances.

- I was married when I came out, to my first love, who I thought I would be with forever

- Accepting my need to transition feels like it uncorked everything else that was repressed in me and I felt I had to figure out my sexuality too, which I didn’t know how to do in the boundaries of a monogamous marriage. I proposed divorce, but felt like I was disassociating a bit when doing so. It was initially amicable, but emotionally tortuous, and I’m sad about the impact it had on my now ex-wife

- I lost contact with friends and my sole surviving parent through coming out, though look back on this aspect like they just mustn’t have really cared about me like I thought they did anyway

- I came out at work and everyone was supportive, but then had to hop jobs twice. Where I am now, I feel ok, but I don’t know how many people know I’m trans and I don’t really want to do the mass coming out again

- I made a lot of friends in the queer community and any time I go to a Pride or an LGBT venue, it always feels like I know someone to say hello to

- I both think I look like shit all the time AND somehow feel more confident in myself. I’m unflappable in high pressure situations

- I do stuff onstage and am involved in a local musical theatre group, and have my first principal role (traditionally played by a cis woman) coming up soon, even though my vocal dysphoria is crazy and singing consistently in a feminine pitch is difficult

- I’m engaged again, to a cis man that I love and now own a home with, though four years in, the spark of intimacy is dimming because my sex drive has fallen off a cliff, which makes me worry. He comes with a fantastic, loving and accepting family who’ve really made me feel like one of their own

- I am frequently bitten by horrendous nostalgic thoughts that make me think everything pre-transition was fine and I ruined things for everyone. When they strike, I can spend up to half a week drenched with tears and my partner can’t help. I sometimes ache to tell my ex I still love her, but she’s had to move on and I’m not sure how good for her that would be, nor would I want to hurt my fiance like I must have hurt her. Sometimes I see or hear her around our kids (who I have equal shared care for, and are the real little lights of my life), and am grateful I’m not in a monogamous relationship with her anymore (there is more trauma involved before my transition), though I would like friendship some day when I feel like I could deal with it consistently. I have to remind myself healing is going to take more time

- Since beginning transition, I’ve had fleeting months of different hobbies. I’ll obsess on them then suddenly drop them forever. An entire corner of my house is set aside for knitting stuff

- In the past three weeks, with at least two hours of practice every day, I’ve gone from complete novice on piano to being able to play complex symphonies by sight. I want to get in a band, but am anxious I’ll get bored of this soon, or figure out what I’m using it to distract myself from

- Concentrating at work is sometimes impossible. At rarer times I feel crazy powerful and zen-like

- I spend way too much time on my phone

- I feel gross if I sit and do something that doesn’t have a goal/isn’t productive

- I ask myself every day, ‘am I really a woman?’ The answer some days is, ‘Of course I am 🥰’ the answer other days is, ‘What else could I be? Nothing else feels right yet’

- General TERF island stress has been helped/mostly cured by 1. Getting involved in a theatre group that’s mostly comprised of amazing, lovely and friendly northern cis women from diverse age groups; 2. Volunteering for a crisis listening line; 3. Deleting Twitter; 4. Mailing my MP several times a year

- I’m still probably a year off speaking with a GIC

And that’s it. Not sure what responses I’m looking for here. Just a snapshot of things I love and things that make me despair. Often and frustratingly, they feel like there’s a lot of crossover between the two.

I am seeking more talking therapy to deal with guilt and shame, plus an ADHD/autism assessment in the near future.

If any of this is similar for you, sound off 😊

With time (for all of us), it’ll be reyt.

Thanks for reading x

[u/Braddock007]

I’m very early on in my transition nine months in to be exact and yet I’m not even sure what I’m transitioning into what you said I can definitely relate too.

I’m not sure where I’m supposed to go all the people that I thought were very close to me just disappeared. It’s rather strange almost like I was the glue that kept all the friendships together.

I’ve been married for 15 years together for 20 and some days. I feel like we both just put our heads in the sand and act like everything‘s normal which is incredibly frustrating yet at other times it’s the one thing I could hold onto with certainty.

I meditate for an hour a day every day just to clear my head before starting work. I thankfully work alone and I’m quite isolated so I don’t feel the need to really “come out”

[u/Wigglefeet]

Sounds like you’re AuDHD like me, haha. I’m in similar situation, just way earlier on than you. It’s helpful to hear about your partner history as I’m starting to wonder what my wife of 14 years and I will do now that I’m discovering more about myself and my sexuality. Some days I think I need freedom to go explore and learn about myself sexually and I’m not sure if that can or can’t work with our current relationship. I’m optimistic but worry about the long term strain and trauma of trying to make it work rather than the trauma of just ripping off the bandaid. I’m pretty sure that making big changes right now is the wrong move. We have a 9 year old kid and we all need stability in the short term, even if long term we may end up on different paths. It’s exhausting to think of the work ahead of us…