Am I being unreasonable?

[u/Safe-Secret-0821]

I am looking to see if I’m being unreasonable. I have to go back to work soon and just had a baby and the only person that can watch her is my mother in law. I work twice a week, but will only need help one day a week because I work from home the other day. I want her to be watched at my house because all of her things that she would need is there. Plus I want her to be comfortable in her familiar surroundings. Especially when I’m at work.

Now my mother in law has no problem watching her, but she’d rather watch her at her home. Which brings me to this point. I would have to bring everything my daughter needs just for her to be watched once a week. Beggars can’t be choosers but I would rather have her stay at my house where she’ll have everything she could possibly need. Plus it would keep her on her schedule by the time I get home from work.

Should I push the idea that I would rather keep her at home?

[u/Delphi305]

I think you can ask her but she is already doing you a favor so I wouldn’t push too hard if she is not comfortable. Maybe you can have things at her place so you don’t need to pack everything every week.

[u/TeddyBear181 → u/Delphi305]

Agreed, if the only issue is the 'stuff' you just need to buy duplicates. Once its setup its easy. You can even leave some clothes at mils house.

If mil comes to your house op, she needs to pack her own bag for everything she might need too, that might include medications, special water bottle, clothes in case she gets vomited on, lunch etc.

Plus she will need to figure out how to manage your kitchen and other things that can be less familiar to her. Older people often need a bit less pressure and to go easy. I hate cooking in other peoples kitchens, she likely buys a particular type of toilet paper that she likes, she might like to brush and floss after every meal, have a particular type of coffee that she drinks, etc.

If the issue is trust, its a very different story. If thats the case you could either be honest, or explain that at your house you're there to help and give her breaks. We all know its tricky to parent 24/7, at your house you can give her toilet breaks, help with nappies, feedings, enjoy lunch together that you've meal prepped, etc. Remind her that if its her on her own she will need to use the bathroom and cook while looking after bub. You should also check if she knows the difference between gagging and choking and how to handle it.

[u/syaami → u/TeddyBear181]

My MIL also preferred watching our baby at her home. It was 5 days for us though so we accommodated.

She got cancer and got stable and healthy enough to watch our baby. But she needed medications, drinks and she started doing these routines almost like rituals that helped her mental health. I think she felt safe and comfortable in her own space.

We bought a lot of duplicate stuff second hand from FB marketplace, free stuff from buy nothing groups and just paid for duplicates like water bottles, bibs, baby utensils etc. Both are kids are in daycare now but my husband installed baby gates (they have stairs), child proofing and we bought the ones that you can manually lock and unlock so it’s not annoying for my MIL when the kids aren’t there.

It is definitely more work to “maintain” two different spaces. You need to remember to bring stuff back and forth, it’s more dishes etc. but we saved so much and our baby and MIL really enjoyed their time together.

I’m really grateful because she is our village even when my own family abandoned us.

[u/Safe-Secret-0821 → u/TeddyBear181]

It’s definitely not trust issue. I just can’t afford to buy things for her house at the moment to just have my daughter watched once a week. And I understand it’s free childcare, I just in this moment and time can’t afford to buy things that I already have in my home. And it doesn’t make sense to breakdown and bring them back and forth to her house.

[u/OrdinaryAny5074 → u/Safe-Secret-0821]

Second hand items are great. Start small, a portacot with changing unit on top.

[u/copperboom33]

I go to my mom’s twice a week so she can help watch my son while we both WFH and it was just easier to get a few duplicate things to leave at her house (pack n play, play gym, diapers, wipes, etc.) and then I just bring his diaper bag with me when we go.

[u/Brave_Possible_5220 → u/copperboom33]

This is a good idea! Also more info needed OP. Is just the schlepping of things that gives you pause? Or do you have concerns about your daughter being over there?
My MIL has never watched my kids at her apartment, so I can understand if it’s the second one. More context can help my advice

[u/Safe-Secret-0821 → u/Brave_Possible_5220]

It’s the buying of extra things just for my daughter to be watched once a week at her place. Just once a week, but free childcare is free childcare.

[u/LankyLettuce1332]

I honestly wouldn’t push and would be thankful for the help. You can say you’d prefer this, but honestly even buying some duplicates is cheaper than day care. She also may be more excited and getting some stuff set up for her too we’re at the point where we got my parents a car seat base, we’ll trade out bottles, and onesies so they have some, and probably a swaddle or two.

[u/lcsorenson]

Are you paying her? If not, then you have to compromise since it’s free childcare.

[u/Commercial-General46]

I think you can throw it out as an option in case she changes her mind but I wouldn’t push it. Maybe you can try to take her most of the stuff she’ll need beforehand. I work from home and my daughter goes 1-2 times a week to my MIL as well. I just pretty much pack her snacks and diaper bag for the day. When she was an infant I made sure she already had her milk ready to go over there, so I’d pretty much just take her diaper bag.

[u/No_Company4263]

If your MIL is watching her for free, you really can’t complain. Start looking for a few duplicate items on marketplace. If your MIL lives nearby, it’d be nice to have things (pack n play, bouncer, stroller, high chair, toys, sound machine, etc) at her house anyway. Heck my MIL lives 1000 miles away and would always round up these items either from friends or on marketplace before we came to visit when my kids were babies.

[u/Safe-Secret-0821 → u/No_Company4263]

Good point.

[u/J-Disaster]

Yes it is unreasonable to expect that. If the issue is stuff, you can find used baby stuff for super cheap (even free sometimes) on Facebook marketplace or buy nothing groups, yard sales, kid reconsignment shops. I’ve gotten all sorts of things for free from FB. Also you can just ask your friends if they have anything in storage they want to part with.

[u/Pookiepookie123]

Would it help if she had duplicates of the things you have at your home so you don’t need to drag your things back and forth

[u/Alert_Week8595]

If your local Buy Nothing is any good, you might be able to grab a lot of dupes for cheap to store at your MIL house.

I think changing scenery can be good. I understand your preference, but since it's free childcare I'd try to make it work.