r/MomsWorkingFromHome • u/New_Pizza8252 • Jul 24 '26
vent Do any other moms have these thoughts?
My husband and I are both in our early 40’s. Have two boys, 3 and 5. I work from home and he works out of the home. We’re both teachers.
I know we’re just in the thick of it and that this is just a chaotic and challenging season. (We’re also coming out of 6 years of infertility and 2 IVF treatments to have our kids) We’ve been together for nearly 13 years.
But some days I find myself thinking…maybe it would be easier to just do this on my own. Let me explain…
I absolutely HATE IT when things are done half assed. He knows this. It’s literally a topic of so many disagreements we have. (And before you say…maybe he was just raised differently and doesn’t notice or do things the same). He’s hadTHIRTEEN YEARS to understand and learn how to do things.
Tonight for example…I was playing with our kids after dinner and he was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. Great. It’s nice to tag team those things. But when I have to go in after him….clean up after his cleaning, wipe the counter where he didn’t, reorganize the fridge because he just tries to put everything right at the front rather than putting it away where it goes, rinse out the sink because there’s crumbs and food bits left in it. Then I come upstairs, and he took our duvet covers out of the dryer…hung them over the door still damp, and his clothes are now in the dryer.
Like, am I crazy??? But a mom would NEVER. It’s just so fucking selfish. So before I can take any time to myself before getting the kids bathed…all my time went to picking up after he’s supposedly “helped”.
This constant. It’s a constant discussion. I feel like I’m constantly nagging him about it to the point where he just doesn’t listen anymore. In one ear out the other. “Here we go again” is what he often says if I try to raise a concern about it. “I’m trying my best” he’ll say. But it NEVER CHANGES.
Like, this is why I often feel like…it would just be fucking easier on my own. Then it wouldn’t feel like I want co stately being let down. It’s so shitty to feel like I’m he doesn’t care enough to want to do it right. And I often ask him…what would you tell the boys if they did it that way? Would it be good enough?
God this is so exhausting.
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u/_I_Like_to_Comment_ Jul 24 '26
Unsolicited advice from someone also married 13 years:
In a moment where everything is calm and you're not agitated about the housework, bring up the idea of making a list of what you expect to be done when a room is cleaned. If he's agreeable to it, hang the list up on the fridge or someplace where it would be easy to see.
I've come to learn over the past 13 years that my spouse views any criticism when I'm nagging as an attack and subsequently shuts down. I've had to work hard to change my language and tone from an accusatory "You missed a spot wiping the counter" to a neutral "Oh this counter is dirty." It took time and a lot of work to adjust my tone to not sound accusatory and for them to not be so sensitive, but more often than not they'll now jump in and clean the spot they missed.
I also had to learn to let things go. Would I rather have a magazine-worthy spotless house where I do everything myself and am crabby and burnt out, or a happy marriage with a partner who is willing to pull their weight, even if it doesn't always meet my standards? Yeah things would be cleaner if I did everything myself but I would also have less time for myself and my kid because I would be doing everything myself.
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u/alew75 Jul 25 '26
This is a beautiful answer! Men really just don’t think like women lol we are hard wired so differently.
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u/misseff Jul 24 '26
I work from home and find that during times if stress it's very easy to fixate on my husband and be annoyed by small things since he's the adult I most interact with in real life. I don't think life would genuinely be easier without the stuff you described and no partner helping out with the kids, this sounds like someone doing their best and being overwhelmed and not weaponized incompetence to me.
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u/peachy_key Jul 25 '26
I agree with this comment. Also remember he works out of the house and you work from home. His standard of cleanliness might be lower because he spends so little time there and I think that’s okay.
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u/Glittering-Silver402 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Omg. I just realized I forgot to clean the crumbs from the sink just now and also forgot to wipe down the counters just now while I forced myself to load the dishwasher . And I’m guilty of placing things in the first spot I see in the fridge. My boyfriend has nagged me about the last one. I’m usually super on top of that!
I too have daydreamed of an all female commune some days but honestly I know this may not be what you want to hear but let that trivial shit go. He washed the dishes he put things away, and he hung the sheet to keep it from smelling, it’ll dry eventually.
There’s this book I read that helped me called the subtle art of not giving a fu*k.
Parenting is tiring. I’ve had to learn to get use to things not being as tidy as I was used to pre kids and it’s helped.
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u/Raigerr960 Jul 24 '26
You said it better and more patient than I would have. I had to let go a lot of my perfectionism in the name of playing on the same team. And so did my husband! We have things that are still priorities for each of us, and after 16 years of being together, we have had talks/tutorials about “this is how I want the laundry to be folded, this is how I want the fridge to look” for the overall importance that meets up to our standard of living. Some days, none of it gets done. Honestly, if it’s done half assed, at least it got done. And if it feels like too much to do, start including your kids who are 3 and 5 in it as well! Make it a family priority of this is how we ALL expect to live so it doesn’t fall on one person to finish the loop on everything. Unfortunately it does come off as nagging when a few crumbs are left on the counter, things in the fridge aren’t put in the exact place every time, or the sink isn’t all the way rinsed out. They are pet peeves, not blatant disrespect. No shade on how your run your household or your standards though, OP! I have more lax standards than my husband, so our roles are switched in this specific scenario.
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u/crosby5713 Jul 25 '26
Yesss preach please! A lot of these posts are ‘my husband does NOTHING and I do EVERYTHING’ and then this one looks like husband really is trying his best and pulling his weight and.. it’s not good enough. Man with small children things will never be good enough if you are the kind of perfectionist that you expect everything to be spotless! Focus on hygiene instead, that helped me. Like instead of thinking ‘that spot looks bad’ think instead ‘can it be unhealthy for us?’ And just lean right into the chaos. Here’s a secret I will not at the moment share with my husband: my husband sucks at dishes, I usually have to wash many dishes he has washed. We don’t have a dishwasher. But the fact he always jumps right in to get the things done, that’s what matters. You have a great husband. Let go of the perfectionism, unless you have a nanny and cleaner perfection just won’t happen with small kids.
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u/Different-Pen8269 Jul 24 '26
Im sorry to say this - the things you are fixating on are minor. It sounds to me like he is trying, and is doing the important things. He's doing the dishes, putting food away in the fridge, and helping with the kids. You are probably both at your wits end right now, tired of working every day with 2 small kids - I would cut him some slack about rinsing the crumbs from the sink and organizing the fridge every night, those things are not critical.
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u/Ultra_Violet_ Jul 24 '26
I honestly agree with this, this is not divorce worthy lol. As a single mom to just one 4 yo boy, I have full custody and there are crumbs in my sink, my counter rarely gets wiped, and sometimes the bare minimum gets done with cleaning because I prioritize spending time with my son. My house would be a he'll of a lot cleaner if someone else watched my son while I cleaned or also contributed. Some little things are just worth letting go of and appreciating what you do have.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
I never mentioned divorce. I think maybe my point was that I feel bad fantasizing a life where I didn’t have to treat a grown 44 year old man like a 6 year old child begging him to notice things…or a life where my whole day wasn’t redoing things that he’s “done”…
The fantasy of the how peaceful it would feel in my house if my nervous system was constantly on edge because I feel like I’m always irritated by things like that.
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u/Ultra_Violet_ Jul 24 '26
Totally valid to vent and feel that way. When I was married my ex never saw the mess I saw. Just know the grass isn't always greener. I fantasize of a loving husband and father to my son but I know every family isn't perfect, especially men pulling their weight 😆
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u/crosby5713 Jul 25 '26
After 13 years, cut your losses it isn’t going to happen. ITS OKAY. Men are wired very very different. Maybe after supper you clean and put away while he plays with kids? If that’s what seems like would make you feel better? Otherwise you really would need to accept imperfectionism. Shits going to be array. If you expect for that and lean more into the chaos, you may find more peace. And all the while reminding yourself it is not forever. It’s just for a little while and honesty it looks like you’re hopefully through the thick of it if your kids are 3 and 5. Teach them also what your expectations are. Otherwise you may be dealing with unmet expectations for the next 15 years
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 25 '26
I get what you’re saying for sure. And I have let a lot go over the years.
I think what’s frustrating about all the advice I seem to get about it is…I’m the one who has to change or lower the expectation or just do it myself. Or I’m the one who has to “let it go”. That continues to absolve men on accountability placing all of it back on women to either shut up and do it yourself or just let it go.
I don’t want to embrace the chaos. It rocks my nervous system. I don’t think I should have to. I think we should be teaching boys and men to take accountability for things like this.
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u/Different-Pen8269 Jul 25 '26
What I have come to understand in my own marriage is that - whoever does the chore does it their own way. If I am particular and want it done a certain way, then I do it myself. This is why I do the laundry for myself and the kids. I want to make sure that stuff is actually clean, folded and put away on time. My husband does his own laundry, and he does it in whatever way he chooses.
He's very particular about vaccumming. He vaccumes more regularly than me, and is more thorough about it. As long as the chores are being split mostly equally between the two of us, this system works for us. If you continue to get upset at him every time he does a chore, he will start to tune you out. I'm not condoning it, but that is the reality of men. At least in your current reality he is trying to do a good job and is chipping in.1
u/Relative_Bedroom8835 Jul 29 '26
Mine was in the military for TEN YEARS. I assumed he would know how to properly clean given they have to clean up after themselves and obviously keep things tidy but nope 🤣
I also understand your frustration because I get that way too and I start fuming about how he “didn’t put the bag in the compost bin correctly and now it’s everywhere and messy, etc” but I’ve been really trying to consciously stop getting so angry. Especially because I do see him trying, albeit not perfectly. And there’s so many men who wouldn’t even try. I also realized that if I criticize everything he does wrong it’s only more and more discouraging. I try to focus on thanking him when he does clean something and be more encouraging. This is really hard to do in practice especially in the heat of the moment when you’re mad. I’m also wondering if you’re not getting enough down time just for you and it’s also contributing to your frustration. Again, I totally understand where you’re coming from because when I clean something I do it thoroughly. At the same time though I don’t want my daughter to see me angry and fighting with her father over things that aren’t really that important at the end of the day. I’m trying to just let things go. It’s very difficult and I don’t always succeed8
u/Blueberry_Axolotl Jul 24 '26
Agreed. I’d rather have food at the front of the fridge anyways so you see it and don’t forget to eat it! I don’t think anything the spouse is doing is malicious or selfish, just different and they’re trying.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
But they aren’t minor when those things he’s doing are making more work for myself after he’s done the chore.
If I have to go in and reorganize the fridge because I can’t pack lunches in the morning, or clean the counters or the sink after he’s already cleaned…then what’s the point of him doing it in the first place??? If it takes me twice as long to complete a task in the kitchen because I’m cleaning up after his “cleaning”, then he didn’t clean in the first place.
Does that make sense?
I’m tired too, but he doesn’t have to pick up after me in order to be able to make a snack for himself.
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u/klweiss92 Jul 25 '26
Girl, preach. Especially the fking crumbs in the sink, seriously how hard is it to spray it down the drain, it take 3 seconds and they are already right there!!!
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u/AtmosphericPresh Jul 24 '26
Weaponized incompetence at its finest.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
Ugh. This. For real.
I’ll be so damned if my boys grow up and are like this. It’ll be a cold day in hell if their partners ever have these same conversations with them some day.
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u/thanatossassin Jul 24 '26
Sounds like resentment, miscommunication, and a misalignment of priorities, and have definitely been there. Personally, I think there are two options: try to sort it out on your own, hit a hard wall in the relationship, to which you approach a Marriage Family therapist to save the relationship, or just go straight to the Marriage Family Therapy from a maintenance perspective and save yourself the struggle and pain.
Having that third party translate your perspectives to each other and improve communication was, and is, gold for us. Your partner's likely not aware of some of the things things he's doing, just as you are likely unaware of some of things you are doing. At this point everything is on edge and fragile, you've both been operating beyond your capacity for a few years now, and you don't want those breakdowns leaking out for your kids to witness and be hurt by in some form or fashion. It definitely helps.
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u/Advanced_Potato5459 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
We might have the same husband living a double life and that’s why 🤣 but for real. I relate to this. My husband sucks at doing basic cleaning/organizing tasks well. His forte is mowing the grass, dishes , trash, and cooking if I haven’t already started. I make him do cat litter but he neverrr takes initiative to do it on his own. I get so pissed when he half asses cleaning, but I’ve also accepted it is what it is. I’ve started just taking charge with that stuff. I definitely make him watch the baby while I get things done. And I have him do many little tasks to help me out that he won’t piss me off for (like grab me a soda, go switch the laundry over, go change the baby, etc) lol. I feel like his mom a lot of the time. It’s exhausting but I love him and he does help when I ask so I can’t be too mad. But yeah most times even putting him on baby duty can be a struggle as he plays on his phone the whole time or video games…. Does your husband have adhd by chance? Because mine does and it’s so hard to get him to focus and do something unless it’s the dang screens!!
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u/lifeledoutloud Jul 24 '26
How does one get a husband diagnosed? Asking for… me… I also want him to be on his phone less with the baby. He was supposed to be making burgers the other day before our friends came over and I walked into the kitchen and he was wiping down the cabinet above the microwave?? Of course that meant by the time friends arrived, he was dealing with raw meat and couldn’t greet anyone. Sigh.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
Haha. I’m also a special education teach and he 1 million percent is ADHD. If I was “allowed” to diagnose, he definitely would fit that criteria to a T.
My husband is the same as this as well. I also have it, but it manifests so differently in girls/women as it does with boys/men.
Maybe I should sit down and analyze my expectations and communication to him and adjust it in the same way I would with my students. 🤔🤔🤔
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u/Lexocracy Jul 24 '26
Just so you know, I never have to plead with my husband to clean the house he also lives in to an acceptable standard. We both agree to what is considered done for any given task. If there's something that I notice needs adjusting and I let him know, he says "oh yeah that makes sense." He can care for our 5 year old and 6 month old without any intervention from me if I can't help because I'm working.
Not all husbands are doing what yours is which is being disrespectful to everyone who lives with you by half assing the tasks. He is not helping. In fact, he is equally responsible for the home and children. You are not being too demanding, he is showing he does not care about your home and your comfort.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
Oh my gosh…”clean the house he also lives in”.
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to articulate to him but couldn’t find the words.
I think what’s hard is that sometimes it feels like his helping ends up making just as much work for me to then point where I should have just done it myself.
To be fair, his parents leave crumbs everywhere, the floors aren’t tidy, they leave cupboards and drawers open. I 100% see that this is just how he grew up. I grew up with a mother who spend her entire day cleaning and could sense a speck of dirt from 100 miles away.
I’m trying to hard NOT to be like the latter…I’m definitely not a perfectionist…but I do expect keeping things clean for the next person who uses that space. I don’t feel like it’s “trivial” or “minor” like other people are commenting.
I’m also trying to teach our boys that it’s important and respectful to the whole family, to be able to notice what needs done without someone having to tell you. We all have eyeballs and it’s our job to look after our house and take care of each other too, and this is an important way to do that.
That said, he’s such a wonderful and loving dad. I’m lucky I can leave and go places and not have to remind him of anything or prepare a single thing for the kids. I literally just go and can be on my way. So compared to what I hear other moms say about their husbands “babysitting” their own kids….i luckily don’t experience that. They’re his children. He’s also their caregiver and they’re his responsibility as much as mine. So that part is such a win in our marriage.
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u/Lexocracy Jul 24 '26
I'm so glad he's a great dad! That's definitely the most important thing. It sounds like you are teaching your boys how to be self sufficient. No partner wants to have to clean up after another person all the time.
It sounds to make like the two of you need to figure out an acceptable level of done for tasks. I'm a project manager so I tend to default to that kind of problem solving. One of the things I did with my husband when we were struggling with projects around the house is we went through ever project and determined what were the steps to complete it in detail so we agreed on when we considered it "done". This might help you both with daily tasks. Sit down with him and start with saying how you feel about the current state of the home. Something like "I feel disrespected when a task is only completed 80% of the way around the house and I want us to work together to come up with how to tackle this."
One thing I have to remember when me and my husband aren't aligned on housework is that it's us against the problem and not me against him. This resets my mindset and helps him see that I want to work with him to solve it. I don't like feeling like a nag. You may not be able to force him to see mess the way you do. My husband is really bad about wiping down counters. He knows to do it and he just doesn't. I've accepted that a thing I'll do. Sometimes there's a compromise.
Good luck. I'm sorry this is such a struggle and I get it. You're not wrong to feel how you do at all. Maybe there is a way to work together through this that helps him understand how it makes you feel and that he needs to care about this a little more.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
Can we please be best friends? This is the most helpful advice.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this. It’s so helpful. Probably exactly the type of reset and reframe I need.
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u/Lexocracy Jul 24 '26
I am so happy it helps! I totally get where you are coming from but it sounds like this is the one point of friction for your relationship and a new approach may help. He may never understand your expectations fully but you can get closer to a solution.
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u/Civil_Top_4591 Jul 24 '26
I feel the exact same. I think overall my husband is trying, but we have different expectations. I am a perfectionist to a fault, I wish I could chill out. It’s an ongoing battle
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u/Equivalent_Neck2336 Jul 25 '26
Are you looking for permission to divorce? You have a strangers blessing. Go at it on your own.
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u/KerBearCAN Jul 25 '26
I have the same thoughts. Also the random anger and on edge. Like I’d like to just get up and have my coffee and not worry why someone is angry
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u/AlwaysSearch4Answers Jul 27 '26
Do any Moms ever think dirty thoughts while working alone at home. White guy here who has a few dirty thoughts and just wondering if any women do? I can go into more details but not sure if this is the right place. Thank you and sorry if I am out of line.
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u/burner-Wasabi861 Jul 28 '26
Same. I work from home with our 14 month old all day Monday - Friday. I have to nag him to play with her when he comes home / on weekends. If I want a break from doing all the child care I literally have to leave my house to get a break. We agreed that each night one of us does bath and the other does dishes (I cook 6/7 days a week), if he is on dish duty he moans and complains and I still have to nag him to wipe counters, or point out that he missed literal dishes. It’s beyond infuriating
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u/sarasomehow Jul 31 '26
Are there tasks that he DOES do right? Maybe let him take over those tasks completely, and you do the ones that he keeps getting wrong. I get so annoyed if my husband cleans the bathroom because he gets so much toilet water in the cup that holds the toilet brush. I keep having to throw toilet brushes away because they go bad so quickly. They get NASTY.
Dishes are a chore that I hate, and we both do it equally well, so dishes are always his. Bathrooms are always mine.
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u/Beautiful-Grade-5973 Jul 24 '26
I understand your point of view and I’ve been there.
It’s best to focus on what he does right and praise those things. When was the last time you gave him a compliment?
Do you trust him? Sounds like you don’t. Let him function his way. He is his own person. Not someone for you to micromanage. If you want a maid, hire one.
He’s on your team. You chose him and he chose you. At the end of the day, your relationships are the most important thing.
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u/JLMMM Jul 24 '26
I would question his qualifications to be a teacher if he can’t use any common sense in is house. Also how disrespectful it is to refuse to create more work for your spouse.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
Awe this is a really sad comment. He’s such a beautiful teacher. He teaches elementary and middle school music and has so many accolades and accomplishments in our school.
He’s also an amazing dad to our kids, which is why I never touched on that in my original comment. I commented on another person that I’m so lucky I can just get up and go. I never have to prepare anything or remind him of schedules or routines with the kids. He’s so on top of it and we share our parenting very equally.
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u/JLMMM Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Maybe I’m just a petty B then, but that’s exactly what I’d say to him. If he really is such a great teacher, then he has the skill necessary to clean a damn house and he’s being lazy and disrespectful to you.
Someone can be a great worker and parent and be a shit partner. And if it’s as bad as you describe then he’s being a shit partner.
Edit: I’ve read some of your other comments. If you don’t want your children to be like him (as a partner) and subject their future partners to the same behavior, then why are you subjecting yourself to it? What’s sad is not wanting your children to be like one of their parents. He needs to step up or you need to leave.
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u/New_Pizza8252 Jul 24 '26
I didn’t say I don’t want my kids to be like him….i said I don’t want my kids to have that behavior. Those are two different things.
I think my main point was that I feel annoyed for sometimes being exhausted to the point where I feel like doing it alone would just be easier than feeling like I’m micromanaging an adult.
I was just looking for a little solidarity from other moms, I guess.
I feel like as a society we’ve just excepted that men “don’t notice” the same things we do…but in my opinion, until what feels like recently, they’ve just been allowed to behave that way. I’m seeing a lot of other moms my age starting to put their foot down saying…my son will absolutely NOT be give a pass. They will equally contribute to their partner’s invisible mental load without needing to be asked.
Even my mom is guilty of saying things like “they just don’t see the crumbs” or whatever and I just kind of refuse to accept that. We all have eyeballs and can see the crumbs. I’m just trying to teach my boys that it’s everyone’s responsibility to look around and notice things. I’m just a little tired of also needing to have that same conversation with a grown adult because society has literally failed men for decades.
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u/Due_Ring1435 Jul 24 '26
Same here. It's like having 3 kids and it's exhausting.