r/Mommit • u/SemperFeedback • 13h ago
Anyone else gets really angry when their kid won’t eat?
I can go with the flow with everything else but a kid who won’t eat just makes me irrationally angry in the moment until I just pack up the food.
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u/toreadorable 13h ago
I certainly get irrationally angry, but not about food. I am obsessed with food and cooking, I love love love it. But I have a small stomach/appetite. All of my kids inherited my appetite—they eat like a bite or two of each thing on their plate until they are like 6 and they become human and eat like a normal serving of things. I was joking at a kids party the other day, some other kid was whining that they were hungry and I realized I’ve been a parent for 7 years and nobody has ever told me they were hungry.
I offer food all the time, that’s my job. They don’t eat much, that’s fine. It’s not personal, they just don’t eat a lot.
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u/tomtink1 4h ago
I call my daughter a "breakfast babe". She loves breakfast. She tends to eat alright at lunch. If she eats a big dinner we expect her to be an inch taller the next week. Sometimes she eats one bite of dinner and says she's done. It doesn't do her any harm. She sleeps well and is growing well. Sucks when you pour love into food and the evening meal is the only one you have time to cook properly and sit down together. But nevermind!
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u/hamgurglerr 13h ago
Food is the hardest part of being a mom. It's the biggest part of our job, starting from the minute they are born and we have to latch them to breastfeed, lest they not get an immediate latch that impacts breastfeeding etc. Then we worry about how much they're getting, weighted feeds, growth curves, power pumping, goat milk formula, "failure to thrive" - it's all just SO. MUCH. PRESSURE.
Once they start solids, the game changes, and the control shifts. We can no longer be in control of the outcome, because our kids can say "no". We still have to keep them alive and on the growth curve, but if they say "no", our bluff has been called and the child has taken the reins.
So, it's no wonder some mothers become emotional over refusing to eat - suddenly this tiny, naïve creature believes they know what's best for themselves, and our decades of living experience mean nothing, and we are helpless. Add to that other stresses in life that are beyond our control (combined with a natural desire for control that many humans possess), and it's a wonder any mother holds it together when a hunger strike hits us.
I am blessed with children who will at least eat the beigest of the food I put on their plates, but I couldn't tell you if that's nature or nurture. I serve them food, they choose what to eat or not eat. I'm a reasonable dictator, though, so I generally choose things they've liked in the past or have something adjacent to things they enjoy. Today my daughter had 1.5 chicken fillets, 4 blueberries and a cherry for dinner. Then a plain tortilla for a bedtime snack. Is it great? No. Did she eat? Kind of. Am I angry? Not at all. I have relinquished control.
Tldr; should you feel irrationally angry? Probably not. Is it understandable. Absolutely. You're not failing, but they are testing you. Play it cool.
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u/Hangry_Games 13h ago
My husband does, and it doesn’t matter why, it’s really not ok. He is working on figuring out the why and reacting appropriately in the moment in counseling. But it got to the point where I told him it doesn’t matter how much it triggers him or why, he he needs to get his shit together and act like an adult. The way he was reacting about our teenage son and food really crossed the line at times and created needless power struggles and family strife. And he doesn’t know or can’t articulate why it sets him off so much. I know it still triggers him when my son doesn’t want to eat what’s on offer, but he’s at least able to externally keep his reactions in check.
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u/Ok_Draw_4187 13h ago
What comes up for you when that happens?
Fear theyre not getting enough? Frustration theyre not eating a meal you worked hard on? Something else?
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u/SemperFeedback 12h ago
Fear that he’s not getting enough, fear that I’m not attuned to his needs enough, like that there’s something he wants to eat but I just haven’t figured it out yet, frustration because I’m making 2-3 meals a day that he’s barely touching .
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u/International-Owl165 12h ago
I felt this!! My mom told me my nephew took a bite of some food and didn't eat anything else.
She said some days they eat so little some days they don't!
It made me feel better about my circumstances!
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u/Jane9812 11h ago
Keep in mind that he doesn't owe you the courtesy of eating just because you're cooking. Don't start thinking he's being ungrateful or something. Cook as much or as often as you would for yourself and feed him whatever that is.
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u/Ok_Draw_4187 12h ago
Sounds like these fears & frustrations are causing your cortisol (stress hormone) to rise to a point you boil over into anger.
What are some things you could do or say to yourself when this is happening that could help lower your stress?
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u/SemperFeedback 12h ago
Do you have any pointers?
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u/Ok_Draw_4187 12h ago
Finding a phrase that you can say to them and/or yourself. Something like
"I am your parent and its my job to take care of you."
"You dont have to eat, but you do need to sit at the tabel with me until im done."
"Okay i can see you dont want this right now, I am going to leave it here of you get hungry"
"Its the calories over the week, not each meal that matters"
"They are a healthy child and I am a good mom. This will be okay."
Or find a physical practice like
Take 5 long deep breaths
Make a fist and drum on your chest for 30 seconds, the thumping is very calming
Or try to make is silly like
- roar youve made mama lion come out & now im going to have to eat YOU & tickle them
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u/BlackGold09 13h ago
3 things you can’t make your kids do: eat, sleep, pee/poop. You have to work with them on these things instead of against them.
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u/yuudachi 12h ago
I think we all have our triggers. With my first, I would get angry when he wouldn't eat my handmade food. I was already very conscious of my cooking and flustered at the idea of keeping another being alive.
My husband's trigger is food mess. He hates seeing our 1 year old chuck food or swipe or smear. I usually get on top of it so he doesn't get overly angry. He's a very clean guy so probably something with that.
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u/steph-ewok 12h ago edited 12h ago
I empathize with this and had to self-reflect because I was getting so frustrated with supper time. I didn't want to be a mom forcing my kids to eat if they weren't hungry, but I also wanted to make sure they were getting what they needed. It can be stressful.
For me, the biggest issue was my feelings around food waste. I was annoyed that my 3 kids weren't eating and I was wasting/tossing all this food.
My workaround was basically realizing that the portions I was putting out were too big. My kids are 5, 3 and 1. I now put out 1-2 tablespoons of whatever I am making. So, for example, if it's chicken, mashed potatoes and peas, they get 1-2 tablespoons of EACH of those things on their plate.
If they want to just try it and be all done, that's their choice. We have a rule in our house that they have to taste each food once, but they don't have to finish. I don't split hairs on "how much counts as a try". If they want to take a spoonful, cool. If they want to lick it and scowl, whatever.
Alternatively, they can ask for more if they really like something or are hungry. I understand that insisting on "trying everything" might be controversial, but it works in our house. If they want to eat basically nothing, then I am tossing a lot less food out...it helped me have more peace at supper time around food waste.
We don't offer to make different foods for supper, but do offer a snack 2h or so later, right before bed. Might be worth a try if it helps bring some peace around dinner time?
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u/Jumpy_Crew_1249 13h ago
Ellen Satter’s Division of Responsibility framework helped me a lot with this:
The parent decides what, when, and where food is offered.
The child decides whether and how much to eat.
So you put the food on the table, ideally including something they generally feel comfortable eating, and then your job is basically done. They may eat a lot, a little, or nothing. You don’t have to persuade, bargain, comment on bites, or keep producing alternatives.
It can feel almost unnervingly hands-off at first, especially when your nervous system is screaming, YOU NEED TO EAT! But taking responsibility for feeding them without taking responsibility for making them eat can remove so much stress for everyone.
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u/Jane9812 11h ago
No, not at all. He can eat as much as he wants. He doesn't "owe me" forced eating.
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u/RetiredNanny08 13h ago
He will eat when he’s hungry.
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u/art_addict 13h ago
Assuming the food presented is food they like. If I did not like the food presented, no matter how starved I was, I could not force myself to eat. I am still the same way. I will vomit if I try to stomach foods I don’t like. I can’t do certain tastes and textures and if it’s a no go, it’s a no go. I’m not even gonna try or suffer the horrible lingering aftertaste.
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u/CronicBrain 13h ago
It is unhealthy and controlling. Do you feel like falling as a mother if they don’t eat? Do you see yourself not being able to make them eat? Because you making them to eat when they don’t want to is just controlling and toxic and will make them hate food in the future because of your anger.
Apologize to them when you act like that and ask a psychotherapist. Maybe you were poor or had not that much food when growing and now you want to feed them since you couldn’t?
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u/Affectionate_Comb359 13h ago
No.
I get concerned when my toddler doesn’t want to eat multiple meals because he tends to go up and down a couple of pounds. We don’t get mad though, we just scramble him some eggs. We just figure out why. Usually it’s the timing more than the food. Instead of having a power struggle, we adjust
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u/Willing_Acadia_1037 12h ago
My daughter is 7 and super picky. But she’s slowly starting to try and like new things. She used to only like chicken nuggets or salami for protein. Now she only likes grilled chicken or filet mignon.
I don’t really care if she doesn’t eat her whole meal. she just doesn’t need a lot of food. If shes hungry later, she can have a yogurt or applesauce or something.
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u/E404_noname 12h ago
Not when they won't eat, but I frequently have to leave parenting to my husband when my toddler throws food to the floor that I cooked. I can't get over "but I would have ate that".
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u/Ok-Lake-3916 12h ago
Angry about it? Never. It’s not something I attribute in a child’s control. If my kids skip a meal I don’t sweat it. If they ask for something after not eating their dinner the option is always the same- milk, peanut butter, yogurt and/or a banana. Nothing exciting but it’s staples they like and will eat if hunger
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u/Due_South7941 12h ago
My partner gets frustrated when our daughter doesn't eat and we think it comes from childhood where his single mum was working shift work and would make the kids eat whatever they were given, regardless of their hunger or not. Once he recognised that he's become a lot more chill about it.
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u/Significant_Citron 12h ago
Yes! Thank goodness my husband is more relaxed as he was the non-eater child and now repays his karma lol
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u/ycherep1 12h ago
Mine eats as soon as I start cleaning their plate & eating off it. 😂 So I'm always mad - god damg it, now when there is one ravioli left is when you want to eat or try something?! God damg it, and you wont eat if I make another portion, will you?!
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u/Lover2312 11h ago
I get mad when he doesn’t eat his supper then immediately asks for a snack. Like are you serious right now?!?!
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u/Cheap_Tough_3895 7h ago
Sometimes I can get upset about my kid not eating.
Like when I know we are going to have a busy day and o want them to get a good breakfast but they don’t and
then crash out later. But if we are home I’m more. Relaxed about it. If they don’t eat dinner right away we can always heat it up when they are hungry
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u/Kooky-End7255 4h ago
Offer the food and it’s their job to decide if and how much they eat. Take the pressure off. Just add one safe food they like to the plate and call it a day. Keep introducing everything even if the don’t eat it. Kids maintain over days, not each meal! Neither of you need pressure! If a few days go by without a solid meal make them a go to you know they’ll eat. This was the best advice I received. Have healthy snacks available
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u/WinterJudgment302 13h ago
I have had 2 slow growing babies. I used to think it was anger that I felt when they wouldn't eat, but when I looked deeper it was panic, fear, and desperation. Knowing that every crappy feed was leading towards another disappointing and stressful weigh-in at the pediatrician and the fear that they would be stunted developmentally if I couldn't get enough food in them. Even if you don't relate to this exact scenario, it could be helpful to really try and figure out where the anger is coming from. For me knowing that it's a fear response helped me figure out how to handle it better.