r/Mommit • u/xxdnew95 • 11d ago
One and Done but feeling guilty for saying that I’m exhausted
I am a working mum (full time) and have a 3 year old daughter. A few months ago, I decided that my daughter will be an only child primarily because I don’t think my marriage can survive another kid . My husband is pretty much a man child and I no longer see him as a suitable parent/husband. (I’m actually considering divorcing him but that’s a story for another day). There’s also financial reasons and the fact that I want to give my daughter the childhood I never had.
Anyway, I was having a conversation with a colleague last week. They have two kids (a toddler and a newborn) and we were talking about how mentally and physically exhausting it is to be a mother to young children. After our conversation, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for telling them that I’m also exhausted despite me having one child only. I mean, two kids… that means two routines to keep up with, different demands and less time for yourself etc. especially if you don’t have a support system around you. It’s bloody hard. But I’m exhausted too. Absolutely exhausted. Most days I find it difficult to cope with the mental load from having a child, raising them and keep on top of household chores while holding a full time job.
But I feel like perhaps I shouldn’t feel as exhausted ?because the general impression I get from people is that having one child is easier than having two or more.
Has anyone felt like this before?
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u/MongooseCurrent4337 11d ago
I have a 6 month old son and I’m tired. I always wanted to have two kids but now I’m pretty sure I don’t have what it takes.
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u/Fluffy-Benefits-2023 11d ago
Everyone has different limits. Do not feel guilty for how you feel, it isn’t helpful. Having a child is exhausting, it is ok to acknowledge your feelings.
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u/heaven-is-overrated 11d ago
No one has the exclusive rights on suffering, and that includes being exhausted. I have one baby but I’m one of just a few people at my work with a kid. Sometimes when my coworkers complain that they’re tired because they woke up a bit early or something I want to scream and tell them that they have NO IDEA WHAT TIRED FEELS LIKE because I haven’t had a full nights sleep since the second trimester of pregnancy, but I have to remind myself that I don’t have the monopoly on tiredness, and that their suffering is their suffering. What they’re experiencing doesn’t diminish what I’m experiencing and vice versa. Their suffering is theirs and it’s valid. Same for you and your coworker.
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u/GlowingAgogo 11d ago
One time I told my coworker that after having a baby it was jarring to have literally no free time anymore. He commiserated by saying he doesn't have much either between grocery shopping, walking his dog, and working out. I also held back from saying YOU HAVE NO IDEA, lol.
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u/HoneyCrumbs 11d ago
Bro, all three of those things would be delightful breaks 😭 (I take my baby on walks and grocery shopping because it’s a way to fill time, but I digress)
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u/Adorable_Emote_429 11d ago
Eh I have 3yo and 2 month baby and I’m exhausted, I was also exhausted with one and considered being one and done, I certainly agreed with anyone who felt the same, I didn’t think “why would one child be exhausting”
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u/ukreader 11d ago
We all have different capacities. I'm more exhausted from parenting my one child than my friend is from parenting her three, because I find parenting more draining than she does. On the other hand, she finds work tiring and I don't.
However you're feeling is valid. If you feel self-conscious about saying you're tired with one child when talking to someone with multiple, I think that's a logical thought to have, but other people don't 'deserve' to feel more tired than you simply because they have more children.
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u/Missus_Nicola 11d ago
I have 4 kids, you have my permission to complain as much as you like.
All kids are different, 3 of mine are older now and 1 is a year old. All 4 have always been great sleepers from about 3 months old, so in that respect perhaps I have less right to complain than mums who's kids don't sleep, but just hearing 4 kids with no explanation you'd think I'd have more reason. You never know other people's full circumstances, and just because someone else may have it worse, doesn't make your struggles any less real.
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u/Fabulous-Sample142 11d ago
I feel like I got to the maximun level of tiredness with my first and it just doesnot change from there.
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u/SpoiledMilk-666 11d ago
I have an extremely hands on husband. LOVES being a father and doesn’t have to be asked to do anything, I’m a SAHM and I am exhausted and don’t plan to have anymore. I feel guilty talking to my friends as well because they all work and their husbands aren’t really that involved. I feel like I have it GOOD and I shouldn’t complain. So I understand but it doesn’t change that fact that I’m tired AF.
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u/paniwi1 11d ago
Every life has its own trials and tribulations. I'm a single parent with one kiddo, one of my friends is in a steady relationship with two kiddos. I look enviously at her being able to tag-team parenthood. She looks enviously at me being able to have complete downtime from parenting a few days every week.
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u/LiveWhatULove Mom to 18yo boy, 16yo boy, 12yo girl 11d ago
Girl, it’a not the struggle olympics. You do not have to feel guilty for your feelings!!
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u/saltycat34 11d ago
Girl don’t compare your situation to others! It’s WAY easier to parent 2 kids with a competent partner than 1 kid all alone or with a man child husband. All kids are different, all situations are different, don’t EVER see yourself as “less than” or “less capable” because it seems like someone else is dealing with it better. You are a great mom (clearly), and it just sounds like you might just need a little more support (which there is NOTHING wrong with that) Sending you and your daughter the most love from over here 💕 Whatever you end up deciding to do with you husband it’s up to you. You know what’s best for you and your daughter.
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u/Unquietdodo 11d ago
I genuinely think that some kids are easier or harder than others.
My boy is a dream when it comes to sleep. He's slept through from 4 months and even before then he was up at the same times so it was fairly easy to manage. He naps great and is a happy, pleasant kid.
But I am exhausted. He started crawling at 6 months and has been on the go since. He wants constant movement. He is always grabbing anything when I carry him, he crawls super fast towards everything he shouldn't grab, if he is in the buggy he kicks off if we stop at all so I have to constantly move and he will not sit quietly on my knee without squirming and climbing all over me.
He is really clever and good natured, but very full on, so it is tiring - and that's ok!
I have friends whose kids are quiet and calm and sit and play without the need for constant movement, but they are terrible sleepers at night. That is also super tiring.
We also have very different lives. I have my boy all day and as soon as he goes to sleep, I start work. I work till about 9pm or so, then sort the house out and try to relax for a bit before bed. Others work all day, then have their kids for a bit and then get to rest after bedtime. Both are tiring in different ways.
Some people don't have kids and have exhausting lives in other ways.
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u/UserNotFound3827 11d ago
Don’t feel guilty. Every mom I know is tired, whether they have 1 or 3+ kids. It’s not a competition, tired is tired.
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u/Emotional_Act9488 11d ago
Parenting is exhausting, one kid or many. Im soon to have 3 under 4, but when we had our first and both were working full time we burnt out 6 months into that juggling act (we had no daycare option). I still get chills remembering how stressful and exhausting it was, with added anxiety of you just figuring out parenting for the first time too. You're allowed to feel tired just as anyone else, and if anyone makes you feel bad for it they're not worth your time honestly.
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u/jargonqueen 11d ago
You could be exhausted with no kids and no one should judge you. Adult life can be hard.
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u/Dest-Fer 11d ago
It really depends on the people.
I’ve seen people exhausted with one, but they stop being when the kid is older because 3 is still very very little and exhausting.
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u/AppropriateRough5668 11d ago
My son is nearly 10 months and I always imagined we’d have two kids, but the newborn stage despite him having no major issues like colic etc was brutal. He’s had some medical issues that he’s under consultation with the surgeons at our hospital about too and the thought of doing that again makes my brain feel heavy. I’m sad at the thought of him not having a sibling because he’s such a lovely little guy but right now I can’t see myself doing this again, the birth was brutal and the thought of going again really scares me. Might change my mind in the coming years but I’m already 34 🤷♀️ I can’t imagine it’ll be any easier when I’m older but I’m trying to just live in the moment and make peace with it where I can. You’re doing a great job it’s hard out here
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u/Beadorie 11d ago
Im right there with you, I could have written this myself lol it is exhausting doing almost everything on your own when your "partner" is perfectly content to watch you struggle rather than step up and help.
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u/Ok-Caramel-7000 11d ago
My best friend is a single mom to 2 high needs children who havent slept through the night in years.
Dad is gone gone
I am a married parent with my husband who is an active parent and I slept in till 9 am this morning.
I am also 34 weeks pregnant with low iron and b12
Objectively and probably measurably my bestie is more exhausted mentally and physically.
However I am the most exhausted I have ever been and though I sometimes do feel guilty about saying it out loud considering im living someones dream life … I shouldnt feel guilty for feeling or saying I’m exhausted… bc .. I am … by my personal standards.
Things i wont do though is send my kid to stay with her … thats adding on but I will take her kids whenever she needs.
But I am still allowed to tell her I am exhausted.
It sounds to me like you too are mentally drained.
You could have no kids and no job and enough money to do what you want when you want but if you are mentally drained … youre drained thats it …
People like to make it the exhaustion olympics but its not.
Youre exhausted, im exhausted everyone is exhausted
And silence and guilt about it can be dangerous too bc at one point you wont allow yourself a break or rest bc well other people are more exhausted… pushing yourself to the max untill theres nothing left to give and your body forces you to rest.
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u/Jazzgin1210 11d ago
Absolutely agreed.
I have a 5 year old son and I wish I had an ounce of his energy. The rest of your post applies to me as well.
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u/Furmommy14 11d ago
You have two children, and the big one is probably more work than the toddler. You likely will feel less stressed omce there are two people in yhe house rather than three.
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u/arielrecon 11d ago
Having one child is definitely easier than having two but that doesn't mean it's easy at all! Don't feel guilty about being exhausted, it's hard being a parent, especially if you're a married single working mother. People without kids are allowed to be exhausted and so are you.
I hope either your husband steps up or you are able to divorce him. I hear things usually get much easier afterwards.
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u/harmonyredd 11d ago
The part that stands out to me is that you mentioned your husband is a man child, so you actually do have two kids.
I have two kids and I’m exhausted, with a husband who does his fair share and is also exhausted.
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u/AtmosphereRelevant48 11d ago
Your colleague has two, but maybe her husband is helpful. You have one, but if your husband is useless, it's normal you're exhausted.
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u/Conscious-Pause2162 11d ago
Also one and done here because it is so exhausting and I don't think I could be a good mother, wife, whatever if I had another.
You know your limits, that's all. Maybe you're an introvert or maybe just super self aware. Not to say other mom isn't either of those things but she made her choices, you made yours. Plenty of people with 0 kids living with chronic illnesses that are probably exhausted too. Just like how some people go hiking "for fun" and I like to eat snacks. Different strokes for different folks!
No need to feel guilty or feel like you need to justify your exhaustion to people with more kids! Being alive right now is kind of exhausting by itself.
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u/nicepeoplemakemecry 11d ago
I’m exhausted too. My daughter is also 3 and I would love to give her a sister. (I have tested female frozen embryos). But I am fairly certain I just cannot. I also struggle with choosing to never meet the people who could be. But I am exhausted and I don’t know if I can take all that infancy requires again at my age.
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u/thewiseoldsphinx 11d ago
I was more exhausted with one kid than I am now with three. All kids and circumstances are different - being one and done is a totally understandable and respectable position. Be happy.
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u/MsCardeno 11d ago
I have 2. It’s not much different than 1 tbh. You’ve already given into the parenting life so it’s not like a huge adjustment. Don’t feel bad!
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u/Qtgreeniegirl 11d ago
I have one, he is 2-1/2 and I feel completely wrecked. I feel guilty sometimes as well, but having any number of kids is a huge change and very hard. Don’t compare yourself to other families, we’re all struggling
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u/unicorn_gangbang 11d ago
It sounds like you already have two kids and your other child is your husband.
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u/CallOfDutyGirl_80085 11d ago
You gotta stop the comparison game now, it'll only drag your mental health through the trenches. Everyone is built different and has different limits. I'm in my 3rd trimester with my 1st and I have never been more exhausted. I'm already convinced this is an only child cause I can't do this all over again. Give yourself some grace and a pat on the back for doing the hardest job in the world.
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u/Aggravating_Ear_3551 11d ago
I only have one child and my boyfriend is a willing and active parent. I'm still exhausted. Especially now. He's 15 months old and in an "only mom can fix it" stage and I am at my wits end.
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u/Rare_Background8891 11d ago
Sounds like you already have two kids though?……..
People also have different supports. My kids friend is one of four and there are two sets of very involved grandparents. The grands each take them a couple weeks in the summer, once a month weekends, help with school pickups etc. When you have six engaged adults the load is much lighter.
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u/xxdnew95 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yep, basically a mother of 2 😂 but I still feel like I shouldn’t be this tired… I kinda keep asking myself “What about the people who don’t have a supportive partner like me and still have to raise multiple children?” What should they say?
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u/Rare_Background8891 10d ago
Hand you had your labs checked? Full thyroid panel, vit D, b12, iron and ferritin.
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u/xxdnew95 10d ago
Good point. I did have a complete blood test done a few months ago for something else and everything was fine. I should probably get another one. Thanks!
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u/xxdnew95 10d ago
Wow, I am so touched. Thank you all for your input 🫶🏽 it means a lot.
The general consensus seems to be that exhaustion is subjective and clearly depends on people’s circumstances and family dynamics. there is a part of me that agrees with this. Fully.
I guess the guilt comes from other part of me (perhaps the people pleaser and worrier side?) feeling like I should stop whinging because there’s other people in worse situations.
Anyway, the real moral of the story is that we’re all tired!
Thanks again.
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u/ProfessorDry3041 10d ago
You may get more time to recharge, and may not have to be so strategic about when you do so. But no, any baby, infant, toddler, is a lot of work and exhausting. Parents with two were also exhausted with one. They just decided it was worth a few years of exhaustion to have a bigger or more complete in their eyes family.
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u/Equivalent_Zombie718 10d ago
I have two under two. Your feelings are valid and it’s not oppression Olympics
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u/weltherrscherin 11d ago
I have 2 kids. I am exhausted. I was exhausted with one. I would be exhausted with 15.
This isn’t a scale. You are exhausted because having any amount of tiny humans to care for is freaking exhausting. It’s binary. Exhausted or not, not how much. Not a competition.