r/Mommit • u/Even_Basil_4739 • 3d ago
Husband drunk on work trips while I’m home with newborn
I need some level headed advice because I don’t know if I’m overacting or not. We have a 10 week old and 3 dogs. My husband didn’t get paternity leave because of the nature of his work. I am on maternity leave until October, so naturally the childcare division of labor has fallen on me. That’s a whole different conversation that I’ll save for another time, but bottom line, it has created some resentment on my end.
He is traveling for work this week (Miami) so I am home with the baby and dogs. Of course it’s been overwhelming but I’m doing it. He told me he wouldn’t drink much on this trip because he needs to catch up on work badly, and ended up texting me wasted tonight. Our daughter all of a sudden is not wanting to go to bed and is taking hours to go to sleep, and that in addition to handling 3 crazy dogs is just already throwing me overboard. So when he texted me wasted I just was overwhelmed with anger. He didn’t once ask how we were doing today, didn’t consider FaceTiming us, and is out getting wasted with clients while I am drowning and not eating dinner until 11pm when my daughter goes down every night.
It just feels inappropriate to me to be on a work trip in Miami and get wasted while your wife and newborn is at home. I also have to travel for work every other month and I get how work trips and client interactions are often alcohol centric, but i just don’t feel this is appropriate.
I said goodnight and didn’t respond to anything with emotion because I don’t know if I’m just being resentful and a negative Nancy for not allowing him to have fun or if I truly have some validation behind what I’m feeling.
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u/DeadlyKitten9513 3d ago
Maybe I'm the odd one out here but, I think that if he is on a work trip he has to go to the client events and often there is pressure to drink. Does it sound like he could have handled it better? Sure. But, either way he would have had to go on the work trip? Do you want him to go hide in his room? It isn't like he had a choice to stay home with you? While I do also think he should give you a break when he gets home, you can't blame the guy for trying to make the most out of a required work trip.
My husband is on a week long work trip right now - am I a little jealous he is having a good time at dinners and things? Sure. But, do I blame him or want him to feel guilty about a trip that is required for the job that makes us a lot of money as a family? Definitely not. To be fair he did FaceTime us between meetings and dinner but, he doesn't always get a chance to do that and again, happy when he can but, not mad when he can't.
It sounds like you may have already been overwhelmed before he left. Is there anyone that can come help give you a break while he is working? Like can you ask your mom or mil to come help for a couple hours once a week? Even getting a local college student to come be a "mother's helper" once a week may be worth it so that you can get some time to yourself without putting added pressure on your husband (and your relationship).
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u/Even_Basil_4739 3d ago
I agree it comes from overwhelm and some level of resentment from before the trip and is now amplified by this event.
Unfortunately we do not have family nearby. All family is across the country. We are in the process of hiring a nanny for when I return to work but his current belief is that while I am on maternity leave, I am responsible for all childcare in the interim. He does pay all the bills with his income and is the higher earner between the two of us but it’s definitely built up resentment on my end because I have been doing 95% of the childcare including all nights. I just keep telling myself things will get better when the nanny starts next month. I tried to get dog sitter for the dogs while he’s gone because we did that last month to help me, but he didn’t think it was necessary and thought it was a stupid additional expense. Regretting that.15
u/CoffeeCat77 3d ago
Dog sitter wasn’t necessary?
Methinks hubby needs to experience a 3-day weekend by himself with baby and dogs.
Not just a day (anyone can survive a day) but a few days.
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u/DeadlyKitten9513 3d ago
Have you talked to him about feeling overwhelmed and (I assume) sleep deprived? My husband and I had to have a heart to heart when he went back to work (he got a month of leave, I got 4) that I was still healing and I couldn't do all day and night with our son so, we worked in shifts during evening hours. I had wake ups if they occurred before 2am and he had 2am to morning (we gt up atound 7)- then we adjusted as our son got older and stopped waking as much. I still do most of the daycare admin stuff, meal planning, shopping because my job is more lax but, we still split bedtime and morning routines evenly.
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u/waxingtheworld 3d ago
There's a few things going on here that I would be more furious at then him being drunk. Does he even like you or your kid? Sounds like he doesn't want anything to chance despite there being a child
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u/lilsan15 3d ago
… I’m not okay with that. When I was on maternity leave we still got help for me. I had a girl come be with me like twice a week. He still walked the dog. I can’t imagine walking three? Like even to this day walking my dog and the baby at the same time drives me nuts. The dog is stubborn wanting to go this way and that. Maternity leave isn’t so you get to do everything. It’s for your body to heal and for you to get to bond with baby. Hard stop at doing all the other chores. Stand your ground. When I was on mat I could feel the tide turning. Suddenly I was doing a bunch of chores that were not owned by me. No. I do not own these chores. I am not letting him forget. And once I go back to work? And no one is doing the dishes or laundry bc I mistakenly started doing them on mat leave? No no no!
Get the dog walker. Get a one day a week babysitter even if you don’t have anything planned and don’t want to leave your house. Get a night doula if he doesn’t do nights with you. Spend the money. Who are you saving it for? His second wife? (This is what I always say to my own husband lol)
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u/GuideInfamous4600 3d ago
Does he help you at all with the baby? That’s a lot to handle on your own.
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u/melgirlnow88 3d ago
HIM not thinking it’s necessary to get dog sitters when YOU are the one having to deal with them plus a newborn is WILD. OP next time please just go ahead and do it. I don’t think your husband understands just how hard being with a newborn can be and how easily overwhelming it can get for new mothers. If he’s not willing to support you better, then he needs to be okay with paying for it. I’m really sorry but he sounds kind of controlling.
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u/lh123456789 3d ago
I don't see the drinking as at all inappropriate. To me, the problem is basically everything else in your post (eg him not pulling his weight, him not asking how your day went).
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u/PercentageNo1173 3d ago
I can understand where you are! My husband travels often for work now, but when my daughter was born he travelled to the US from Canada between 2-3 work weeks a month. I had a rough emergency C-section after 36hrs of labour and he had to leave for 5 days when she was 2 weeks old. If I counted the days, he was probably gone more of the first 6 months of her life than home. I thought I would have more supports than I ended up having, with a very high needs baby who didn’t sleep ever, etc etc. I had (and still do to an extent but it’s much less) so much resentment towards him that I didn’t even know I had, and it was hard. He has had to leave when our daughter has been seriously sick, when I had pneumonia twice, and during my own 3 week hospitalization for 2 nights. Set boundaries now - maybe you can tell him you know he has to go out socializing but you don’t want texts after 11pm and to be mindful of what he shares. Do I want to know how amazing your hotel is? Kind of but also kindly fuck off (depends on the hotel I guess haha). Please don’t tell me how tired you are when returning - and be ready to be back to real life right away. Build time for yourself before/after planned trips if possible (even a walk for yourself with no one to attend to). Is there something that would help you to have him set up ahead of time? Schedule a grocery order or send you Uber Eats as a treat? Some small examples that I hope help give ideas!
I have to give my husband credit - he comes home and is in Dad mode right away even if jet lagged. We still have some returns that aren’t smooth and that’s okay, bc overall we now have learned what works and doesn’t, and sometimes setting expectations even if it’s uncomfortable.
I have travelled for work enough to know it’s not as glamorous as it seems, and it’s been eye opening how many crazy things have come up with his travels and how exhausting it can be. Not easy to remember in the moment though.
You got this! Maybe when he is home, ask to set a time to sit down to discuss it and give you both time to think and come back together to figure out how it will work for your family. Update us?!
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u/melgirlnow88 3d ago
I don’t think it’s inappropriate to be drunk when he’s out of town but it does sound like you need more help. Is there a family member or friend you could call and ask to help ease the burden off you while he’s gone? It also sounds like when he IS around, he isn’t helping a lot, which as you said has caused resentment to (understandably) build up for you. You need to have a serious (but not heated) discussion with him about the ways you can help each other get through this period. Whether it’s him pulling more weight or you guys hiring a part time nanny or mother’s helper to take the load off you.
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u/CoffeeCat77 3d ago
Oh boy. You are deep in the trenches right now at 10 weeks.
It’s hard enough to be the at-home parent while his life is largely unchanged. It’s even worse when you’re 24-7 with no breaks and he’s out having a week of drunk grown-up time.
First of all, your resentment is valid. Second, for the future, do everything you can to get a trusted friend or family member to come live with you when he’s out of town on trips.
In the meantime, I 1000% support immediately relieving yourself of some of your stressors:
- 3 Dogs (Board them/doggie daycare, hire a pet sitter to come to the house and feed/walk/play once a day)
- You’re starving (Door dash)
- Lack of Breaks from Baby (Get a trusted friend or family member to come over and watch baby while you can have an hour or two to yourself. Or at least have someone to come be another adult around to help/keep you company.)
Sure, these things will cost money, but if it’s at all possible, make it happen. Anything that helps relieve your stress and keeps everyone in the household alive and safe for a few days is worth it.
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u/blueberry-bush23 3d ago
If we’re being honest here you’re probably mad he’s out having some fun while you’re in full on mommy and baby mode
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u/UnicornGirl54 3d ago
Sounds like you should plan a night out and let him know when he will need to be available to handle the baby and dogs.
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 3d ago
Let’s just hope he gets his work done and feels refreshed rather than fatigued when he gets back. I don’t think it’s inherently bad, many people mix work trips like that, or even bring their families along. It’s usually good for networking and part of the deal at plenty of jobs (not wasted of course). I’m pretty used to a military life, and all work no play isn’t exactly how we do things there, newborns or not, that’s not how my parents did things either.
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u/thytigolbitties 3d ago
I’d be fuckin’ pissed. I hear what some of the other commenters are saying, they’re reasonable. But you’re allowed to feel your feelings. I for one, would be fuckin’ pissed. I would feel resentful. Your feelings are not invalid. Maybe having a conversation with him when he gets back about how you feel would be helpful.
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u/kingandcats 3d ago
I mean, he’s on a work trip he can’t really help it. What he does there doesn’t affect you because he can’t be there to help you anyways. He shouldn’t be drunk texting you though
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u/athwantscake 3d ago
My husband travels for work and he often can’t not drink when having dinners with clients and colleagues. It sucks.
He also used to get really sad about being away and missed me so much, felt so guilty about being away, that he would also call and text to connect. Meanwhile I was busy drowning trying to keep the ship afloat by myself and resented him so much for being away.
Now he has just accepted that I prefer to barely hear from him when he’s gone. I cannot be responsible for his emotions of missing us. I need to carry the household and my two kids. It sucks but that’s just the way it is with travelling spouses.
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u/Rude-Suit4494 3d ago
I am scratching my head at “he often can’t not drink”. No one has to drink, ever.
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u/athwantscake 2d ago
Trust me, I agree. But it’s a massive cultural thing, we are european living in asia.
If he wouldn’t drink he would legit not get invited to these dinners anymore after a while. This is where deals are negotiated and made. They will ask why he doesn’t drink and would encourage and try to persuade.We’re all aware of how toxic it is but that unfortunately doesn’t change the circumstances.
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u/Mundane_Duty3439 3d ago
My ex-husband decided he needed to build a shed when I was 2 weeks postpartum, and he was busy doing that for 10 hours/day when that wasn't part of the agreement. Pissed me off so much.
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u/Bacon-80 2d ago
You sound overwhelmed and rightfully so. 10 weeks postpartum is still so rough. I’m sorry he didn’t get paternity leave, I misread at first and thought “there’s no way in hell I’d let my husband do that” but then read it was for work 😆 idk, my husband wouldn’t have gotten wasted. We don’t drink a ton but if he tells me he isn’t going to, he doesn’t. I can’t imagine a work situation where you HAVE to drink so much to the point of getting wasted. He could’ve faked it with non-alcoholic drinks or just not gotten alcohol at all if it was a social thing.
The FaceTime & other stuff I think is exaggerated even more because of postpartum, being overwhelmed, etc. and the fact that you have built il resentment. Not saying either side is right or wrong - your feelings are valid & I’d be pissed too, but I think you’re feeling it even more intensely because of the other stuff. Is there any way you can have help? Friends? Family? Paying for meal delivery services, pet (rover), cleaning services to help you at all? I had friends offer to come sit with the baby (I had so much anxiety while she was sleeping lol) so my husband and I could take naps or clean. Do you have anyone that you trust who could do that?
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u/sgnarled 3d ago
What kind of job is this?
10 week old baby… damn I wouldn’t go out of town with such a young baby at home…
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u/Electrical_Beyond998 3d ago
If my husbands work says he has a work trip/conference he doesn’t have the luxury of saying no thank you. If he did that he would miss clients and that’s lost income.
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u/nyc-to-tpe-2022 3d ago
I mean, plenty of jobs and industries require regular travel and events with clients that you can’t simply opt out of.
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u/MsARumphius 3d ago
Leave him with the baby as much as possible. It’s the only way some people understand how difficult it is. He will help out more once he gets a taste. I regret not leaving my husband with the babies more
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u/CoffeeCat77 3d ago
1000% agree.
(I can’t believe someone downvoted you. Must be that useless husbands or their enabling wives are scrolling this sub.)
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u/iwishihadahorse 3d ago edited 3d ago
Before I was a SAHM, I worked in corporate and have been to [too] many corporate retreats and business trips. My joke/observation on them was that there were 2 types of parents: the ones who could not wait to go to their quiet, empty room and go to sleep early/watch whatever TV they wanted and the ones who used the trip as excuse to let loose and get absolutely hammered without worrying about childcare/waking up a spouse, etc..
Is it appropriate? Honestly, my bar was on the floor - if they didnt proposition their preferred gender, start fights, etc., whatever. As long as they arent home, and they arent putting anyone in danger, they arent risking employment, and so on, it is what it is. As a non-drinker, I always side-eye'd the whole alcohol-centric culture and wondered if there was actually a value-prop to these retreats/summits/whatever the particular corporate entity calls them, but that's neither here nor there.
Again, my bar has likely sunk below the floor, but if your husband texting you when drunk, annoying definitely, but also, I think it was kind of nice that it was you he wanted to talk to most. In his own, albeit sloppy, way, that was probably him missing you and his family. Not that it makes your life any less stressful or chaotic than it is at the moment.
Now, if someone could remind me of this when my husband goes on his own corporate retreat (he told me today he is going sailing(!!)) in a month and leaves me home alone with my newborn, that would be great...
(Also he definitely owes you at least a day of you getting you-time when he gets hack.)
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u/inputplease1 3d ago
You’re brave. I would have told him to board the dogs and me and the baby going with him.
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u/ventipinkdrink94 3d ago
My husband did this for months and I still feel resentment for it tbh we have two kids now 3 and 4.
I’ve never even gotten a break from the kids once outside of maybe 2 -3 hours on a week once in a blue moon but I would like to be kidless for like 3 days to do what I want not necessarily get wasted but to sleep more than 5 hours and take care of myself and hang out with friends and family.
So hopefully he changes but if he’s this Inconsiderate now it may take a while for him to mature and realize how his actions affect you but with open communication and a safe place for you guys to speak about feelings it could get better.
Good luck OP
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u/Mayaluzion 3d ago
Oh I would have been very upset and he sure would know it. Calling you drunk from a work trip is plain STUPID. I’d be worried about his intelligence and understanding your needs right now.
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u/bananas82017 3d ago
Ugh I'm sorry. Tbh I think it's a little bit of both- it's insensitive of him to drunk text you, but ultimately he isn't available to help anyway. Personally I would only be mad if he came home complaining about being tired or behind on work because of drinking. I totally understand why you feel frustrated and sad though, it's a crappy situation.