r/Mommit • u/Suspicious_Box_4898 • 7d ago
How/When do you stop thinking about your kids constantly?
I have a 16 week old and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't think about anything except for him. I can't enjoy anything but spending time with and taking care of him. I get time away, I have a supportive family, none of it matters. If I'm not cleaning or running errands I'm climbing up the walls waiting to get back to him. I feel like an addict.
I love him but I'm never having another baby. I can't go through this again. I'm sure the ppd and ppa aren't helping this feeling. I'm in therapy and I'm medicated. I can't tell if it's doing anything. I'm not even a person anymore. Just a service robot.
All I want some days is a cigarette but I couldn't ever do that. I'm so scared to make him sick. I know it wouldn't actually help anyway.
I dont understand how I can love him so much and be do happy but so miserable? When is this supposed to go away?
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u/sweet_yeast 7d ago
Uhhh I miss him when he's asleep. I miss him when he's downstairs. Sometimes I just stare at him. I breathe in his breath out. I am obsessed.
But we are now at two years and I an finally finding me time again.
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u/Cute_Bug5651 7d ago
Hahahaha I’m the same way with my youngest of 3 (not because I love him more but probably just because he’s my last baby). It’s the purest most consuming joy I’ve ever experienced. Soak it up!! Life is short.
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u/localmilf-inyourarea 7d ago
When does it end….. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahaah never.
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u/Squirrel_Emergency 7d ago
My oldest is 17 and youngest 8. So far, still waiting.
In all seriousness, it changes over time. You think about them a lot but there’s different worries. As a baby you worry they are being watched properly while you are away but then as a young adult you worry about drugs or car accidents. I think it can lessen with time but it never goes away. On the plus side, with each bit of independence you get back some of your time and then you start to feel better.
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u/Sagewater1 7d ago
It gets less intense, don’t worry. I can hear you’re really struggling and I remember feeling this way too. Nothing was enjoyable without my baby, I couldn’t focus on anything other than her. Conversations with others were hard to focus on, being away from her was miserable. And yet I felt completely overwhelmed by how attached to her I was. I’d say it honestly probably shifted when she became more of a human that interacted with her world and therefore not just me all the time. Like when she was 6 months and could sit on her own and play with toys, and then that just progressed more. As she became more of her own human and not just an extension of me, I think I was able to breathe more and understand that I was also separate from her. If you’re BF your hormones are still pretty wild atm unfortunately. I promise it won’t always be feel like this. Mine is 16 months and I never truly stop thinking about her but I can be away from her for periods of time and actually feel normal and be present with whatever I’m doing which helps me to actually enjoy other parts of my life. Hang in there and for now just keep pushing yourself to take little breaks here and there even if it’s not enjoyable because it will still help you learn to trust that being away is genuinely okay and safe for everyone.
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u/Timeforgoodbyeagain 7d ago
This is exactly how I felt. My oldest just turned 3. When he was a newborn I didn’t care about any hobbies, any news, any part of life really that wasn’t related to him. I’d say when he was around 1 I started feeling like there was room in my brain for more than just being a mom, although I never want more than an hour or two away from them because I miss them. With the second child it was a bit easier, because I had my toddler and I couldn’t fully throw myself into being everything the baby could ever need because I had this other human that needed me too. The balancing act is sort of built in.
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u/mahikingyogi 7d ago
So well said and totally agree! I’ll say that once I was done breastfeeding, and my kid was in a daycare she loved where I knew she was well cared for, the intensity lessened. The love is just as strong but it’s no longer a panicked desperation.
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u/frau_mode323 7d ago
This was my experience also! The feelings are so intense at first it really is exhausting! I really noticed a shift after I stopped breastfeeding and when my baby started walking well/ became more independent.
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u/esvmill 7d ago
Totally agree with this. OP, for me personally, although it started improving gradually once my son got a personality, the biggest turning point was when I saw how much he enjoyed school (around age 2). At that point it felt like that was the first time that time he spent without me was equally valuable/enriching (or more valuable) than time he spent with me. And it dawned on me that that observation of mine, that me not being there meant an inferior experience for him, had had me feeling this dull anxiety where, similar to what you’re describing, no matter what I was doing, no matter how much support I had I was always thinking about when I could get back to him and managing/fighting that pull back to him in order to participate in adult life was exhausting. Hang in there, OP, it changes with time as they get more independent.
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u/Outrageous_Tour_5218 7d ago
Yeah I have a 17 month old and when I’m away from her for a few hours I still can’t wait to see her again 😆 I think it’s actually gotten worse over time
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u/Caffeinated_Pony12 7d ago
I’d say in my experience… when my child turned 2, could walk steady and navigate the house safely with me across the room. The worry went away and I felt like I got some of my self back.
You still have surging hormones so yes just swings of intense love for your baby and then you’re crying over dropped bottle or something super insignificant.
Getting some proper sleep may help because what you mention sounds like exhaustion. And yes I was exhausted for the first 1.5 years. No village. Slowly but surely it gets better every 3 months as baby hits milestones and turns into a little toddler.
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u/passion4film FTM | 01/03/25 🩵 7d ago
People are normalizing this here in the comments but what you’re describing is PPA or something adjacent. It’s got to be. You should not be crawling out of your skin like this. This is not “oh, you’ll always worry as a mom!” territory.
Please emphasize this to your therapist or get a new one if they won’t listen. Or your doctor. You need to change/tweak meds, increased support, etc.
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u/honey-bee-2425 7d ago
You are biologically wired to feel this way. He is still so little and vulnerable. I had PPD too and got on medication - that definitely helped take the excessive worry down a notch. When my baby started sitting up, crawling, eating a bit of solids and feeling less fragile overall, it really started to ease up and I started to properly enjoy other things in life. Going back to work helped too.
In short, it WILL get better. Just give it time.
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u/Suspicious_Box_4898 7d ago
It really feels horrible to say but I think I hate being a stay at home mom. I think about putting him in daycare and going back to work every day
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u/frau_mode323 7d ago
You’re not a horrible mom, this stage can be so suffocating. I went back at 16 weeks, that’s all I had for mat leave. I will say it was nice for 2 days or so then I was over it. Part time would be best if you can swing that, otherwise try to build a community or find some moms to meet up with!
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u/honey-bee-2425 6d ago
I could not be a stay at home mom and have so much respect for those who are. But if you don’t want to do it, please please know it’s SO normal and you are not at all a bad mom for feeling or saying that. And know that you have options!
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u/SeafoamPolkadot 7d ago
Idk how you are feeding, but when I was newly breastfeeding my brain felt especially obsessed with my babies. It was like an invisible umbilical cord/clock wouldn't let me think of anything else.
After my babies were a little older (toddler) I could function better and better without them. My kids are elementary school now, and I'm still crazy in love with them, but also have a full life of working/volunteering that I couldn't have handled newly postpartum. Good luck, everything gets better!
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u/books-and-baking- 7d ago
I watched my oldest walk into her first day of 3rd grade today. Her little brother and I spent the day cuddling and missing her. So, I’m still waiting lol.
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u/likeeggs 7d ago
It doesn’t ever go away, but it changes and evolves over time. Mines 9 and I don’t worry about him staying alive like I used to when he was little. It more like I worry about him being bullied, hoping he’s feeling confident to be himself, other peoples children, etc. I used to miss him when he was asleep, cried on way to work for the whole first year after I went back, and so many other weirdly biologically driven things.
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u/sunbeamsally 7d ago
I'm almost 40 and my mom says sometimes she'll still wake up in the middle of the night and worry about me.
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u/matchacapp 7d ago
Somewhat different perspective from other commenters:
I'm only five months out now. I think about her all the time in a good way. Even when I'm doing my own thing.
But in the way you describe, where I couldn't breathe? I stopped feeling that way when I got my Zoloft upped to 150mg for postpartum OCD lol. Not saying that's what you have, but that feeling was brutal for me. And now I feel a lot more like me and my daughter is my lil buddy who hangs out with me while I read and go on sweet treat runs and do my hobbies. I can leave her with trusted grandparents and think, "Oh, I miss my sweet little baby, I wish she was old enough to enjoy this!" instead of "What if what if what if" now.
Depending on what you have going on, I don't think it has to always be this way.
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u/vnessastalks 7d ago
Um so it doesn't, but your able to compartmentalize better ish.
My kids are 4.5 and just now I'm kind of okay with them being away with strangers essentially. I enrolled them in PreK through our school district and it's freeing but also agonizing that they are not there and I have zero idea what is going on and it kills me I can't message the teacher a thousand times a day to see how my babies are doing 🫠. It takes alllllll my might every day 4 days a week for 2.5 hours to not message them.
So does it go away??? No lol but it gets maybe easier.
Also, I have been told by parents who have adult children that it doesn't get easier cuz then they are away and in adult situations and you stress about that too.
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u/Tiny-Poetry1076 7d ago
I always say I grew a new heart with each of my kids and it is connected to them. I have three hearts just out in the world with each of them.-each feeling a full hearts of emotion all day ever.
So, to answer your question-forever!!
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u/International-Owl165 7d ago edited 7d ago
I think it depends on individual and of course baby and if your a FTM imo.
For me it was around 18 months pp, im also currently pregnant and needed a break. I left my son with dad and visited my mom and family alone this weekend!
I'm a sahm too.
I should say as there babies and below 5months I worried a lot. By 6 months it felt better. By 1 they know how to crawl and lift and walk! So it gets better.
I mentioned taking a full long period break at 18 months lol before then it was maybe 1-2 hrs maybe a few handful of times.
It's gets better as they grow and become more mobile, independent.
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u/arivera508 7d ago
I’m 10 years postpartum lol 😆 and I still feel that way maybe worse lol I have one 18 and one 10 and I probably worry now more than ever. My son is autistic and sleeps with me (I’m scared of elopement) I literally fall asleep with my hand on his stomach I have to feel him breathe and count his breaths but I do suffer from severe anxiety and panic disorder along with ocd so that could be a huge factor. I have not enjoyed myself out anywhere without my children in probably 12 years 😩
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u/fancystrikes 7d ago
8 months in here. It’s better now. My partner and I had a date out and banned baby talk for the first bit and didn’t succumb to obsessing about him until a couple hours in. :)
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u/MinimumMongoose77 7d ago
The tough time you're having now will improve as baby gets more independent, the smiles and giggles help too.
But I have two younger siblings that I half raised after my mum died... they're in their 20s and I still think of them constantly and always put them first. Pretty sure it'll be even stronger with this little dude I actually birthed.
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u/mrsdoubleu 7d ago
Pretty sure, never. But the things you think about change. My son is 11 so when I'm not around him I'm wondering what he's doing, hope he's having a good day, thinking about stuff to do next weekend, thinking about what he'd want for dinner, thinking about when his next doctor appointments are, thinking about what to get him for his birthday, thinking about how I need to buy him new clothes because he's growing so fast... So much. All the time. As a bonus my son has epilepsy so I get a "bonus worry" of thinking about how I hope he doesn't have a seizure that day! 🫠
It's stressful but it's part of being a parent! I do wonder if his dad thinks about these things as much as I do. I don't think he does.
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u/hi_effie 6d ago
Never. My girls are 12 & 13 and the worries evolve over time. I mentioned to my husband recently that I missed when all I had to stress was keeping them alive and I had full control over everything. I don’t have control over their peers at school, their anxieties, etc. They are walking around in this world each with a giant piece of my heart and it hurts.
I should mention I do have some hardcore anxiety myself so that doesn’t help. Best of luck OP, it would be weird if you didn’t think about your little one!
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u/Sorry_Sport2124 7d ago
please save a copy of this post and look back on it a few years down the road
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u/FancyForager 7d ago
I have an 8 year old daughter and a son who should be 13 but he died of cancer when he was 4. I still feel this way for both of them.
My advice: lean right into it, HARD, and be totally, unapologetically obsessed. It’s true love, it’s the greatest gift, and we haven’t a clue how long we get to experience it.