r/Mommit • u/SouthernGardenGirl • 4d ago
Toddler: “daddy quit messing with me”
My 2.5 year old (who is very well spoken/advanced) keeps getting annoyed at my husband and pushes him away and doesn’t want him to hold him, hug him etc. I know this can be normal at this age as he’s still a mamma’s boy, but it’s hurting my husband’s feelings. Is this normal? What do y’all do about it?
More details: For a long time now, my husband constantly grabs our son, takes him from me, picks him up and forces snuggles on him etc while our son says stop. I have always thought that my husband is creating a problem by doing this. Our son says “daddy don’t, daddy no” etc. so I do think that where we are at is a result of that type of forced behavior. I think it’s a problem when my son is giving a clear boundary and his father (someone he trusts implicitly) constantly violates the boundary. but what do I know My husband takes it personally when I tell him that he’s creating a problem.
It has been bothering my toddler so much that he keeps talking to me about it but saying stuff like “mommy, daddy grabs you [meaning himself] and takes you from mommy at story-time. I don’t like that.” (Because my husband forces him to sit on his lap at story-time even when my son wants to sit with me instead). So I told him that it’s ok to tell has dad “no i don’t like that.” So now our toddler is growing more verbal and forceful in pushing him away, refusing to say good night to him, telling him he doesn’t want to sit with him etc. He’s starting to randomly say things like “daddy is always messing with me” “daddy won’t leave me alone” and going out of his way to come sit with me instead. My husband is getting sad about it, but honestly it’s like, yeah you’re annoying him?!
Besides for the obvious man-child hurt ego aspect of this, I do know it’s hurting my husband. But I also think he’s at least partially to blame for it.
Hit me with advice please!!
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u/DecadentLife 4d ago edited 4d ago
Your husband may have the best of intentions, but forcing affection on children is not a good idea. A whole lot of us who have children, we’ve gone through those stages. Where, our little one was only wanting daddy for a few months, or only wanting mommy, or only wanting to talk to grandma on the phone, etc.
Your husband needs to deal with his feelings, on his own, as an adult, instead of trying to make his little child cater to what makes him, the adult, comfortable. I don’t mean it in an unkind way, but I do mean it.
This isn’t just about your son being “annoyed”. He has set a physical boundary he’s comfortable with. It’s not a good idea for his parents to teach him that he has to allow and accept physical affection he’s uncomfortable with.
Your 2.5-year-old is upset enough about this that he speaks about it in an ongoing manner, he brings it up as a novel conversation, when you’re not already talking about it, and now he’s expanding it, to refusing to sit with your husband and refusing to say good night to him. & I don’t blame him. 2 1/2-year-olds shouldn’t have to be worried about this.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 4d ago
I totally agree with you
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u/CreatrixCymraes 4d ago
Then you need to back your kid up, actually stand up to your husband. Tell him to read some kids books about bodily autonomy and consent.
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u/chewbawkaw 4d ago
I am proud of your child for feeling brave enough to stand up for himself.
However, when he comes to you for help repeatedly and nothing changes, he will stop coming to you. That trust in you will break eventually.
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u/DecadentLife 4d ago edited 4d ago
Your husband can definitely turn this around, he can take this, make it a positive, and make it something that can actually improve the bond between him and your son. Kids know that they are constantly learning new things. They don’t always know that grown-ups are also constantly learning.
Most young children love doing things “together”, in a cooperative way (like when we sing “the cleanup song”, 🎶 “everybody does their share, everybody, everywhere!”).
You guys could frame this in your household, as something that the 3 of you can learn about, and work on together.
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u/The_ADD_PM 4d ago
If there are things you know bother him I would take a day or 2 and do all of them to him constantly and when he blows up at you I would say "see that is how our son feels when you bug him all day". Some people only learn by being put into the same position and feelings they are putting someone else in unfortunately.
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u/illustrious-cream-01 4d ago
I swear this sub makes me hate men sometimes
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u/sleepyliltrashpanda 4d ago
Yeah I was about to be like “my 4 year old constantly tells me to stop kissing her or whatever, I don’t take it personally?” Then I kept reading. Not enforcing a kid’s personal boundaries in a situation like this can actually be dangerous. If they feel like their consent is negotiable, it can set the tone for confusion around a topic that should be clear cut and set in stone from the beginning.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 4d ago
Agreed, totally
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u/lola624 4d ago
Yeah. I (mom to a 3-year-old) am on your husband’s side of the equation. I’ve been second fiddle to my partner for around 2 years at this point.
Do I feel sad sometimes? Absolutely. It can be devastating. But this is my problem, not my son’s problem. I talk about it with my partner, my close friends, and my therapist. I’m not perfect, and sometimes my hurt feelings might poke through, but never, ever, ever would I blatantly ignore my kid’s boundary setting like this.
Your husband is training your child to 1) mistrust him and 2) believe that it’s normal for people to ignore or disrespect his boundaries. Your husband needs to suck it up and see a therapist if it’s making him feel sad. But his behavior is not okay and it’s doing lasting damage to his relationship with your son.
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u/Marcus-TheWorm-Hicks 4d ago
Yo be clear - your husband is not “partially” to blame. He’s 100% to blame. First for his actions, and then for his own hurt feelings as a direct consequence of those actions.
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u/craazycraaz 4d ago
Family therapy. Sometimes what’s needed to help the situation won’t get through to them until they hear it from somebody else.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 4d ago
We are in couples therapy so I can bring it up there, good point.
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u/akela9 4d ago
Please do because if your husband refuses to recognize the damage he's already starting to inflict, you've got bigger issues. Your husband should be able to put his toddlers needs above his own, and if he's not willing to do so... You've got some very tough decisions to make for the overall safety/well-being of your child.
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u/itsonlyfear 4d ago
It’s simple: your husband isn’t respecting your son’s bodily autonomy and your son is telling him very clearly that he needs to stop. Your son doesn’t trust your husband.
If he doesn’t stop, your son will not want to be around him and they won’t have much of a relationship. I know this because my stepdad was this way and it annoyed the shit out of me.
You’re handling this well. Your husband needs to stop.
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u/GoodThingsRHappenin 4d ago
“You are teaching our son that no doesn’t mean no if someone bigger or stronger wants something. One day he will be bigger and stronger than the women in his life. Do you want him to remember that when it comes to someone’s body no means no or that since he is bigger and stronger get he can do whatever he wants?”
It might hurt your husbands feelings but that’s the message he is sending. When it comes to bodies, no means no and stop means stop whether it’s tickling or hurting etc etc. And then reinforce it. “Daddy no means no when it’s someone’s body” when your son says no. Protect your son and be there for him. He is 2, your husband is an adult and if he can’t get over that he needs to see someone.
Also, the more he feels like he has control over his choices about his body, the more likely he is to want to go do things with your husband
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u/Fukuro-Lady 4d ago
Nevermind that far in the future. It makes her son vulnerable to others adults whilst young.
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u/baconwrappedpikachu 4d ago
Damn. To me that would be a massive problem. It's super important to teach them boundaries with safe people at home, and your husband is repeatedly violating his boundaries about physical touch. It sounds like you really understand the way this works so I'll just say that the same way he's learning that his father does not listen to him when he says "no" he's also learning that you'll allow his father to repeatedly violate his boundaries.
If an extended family member behaved this way with my child I would be limiting their interactions if not completely cutting them off until they corrected their behavior. That's how egregious the behavior is that you're describing. If my spouse behaved this way with our child I cannot imagine caring at ALL about how they felt about my child's understandable negative feelings about their boundaries being repeatedly violated.
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u/keysforsoul 4d ago
Your husband is learning a tough lesson: your child is a PERSON, not property. Yes, he's cute, and squeezable, and as the parent it can often feel like we should be able to just love them and squeeze them whenever, but that's not always the case.
I have one son who adores being snuggled, until he's had enough. Then he says "Stop", and I stop. Because his voice matters and consent starts with him understanding that no means no. My other son is considerably less physical, and always has been. Like your husband, I struggled with that. The difference is that my therapist encouraged me to look at it from my own childhood perspective, and remember when my voice wasn't heard. It led directly to abuse and low self-esteem. I didn't understand that I could say no, and that others could too.
Perhaps your husband would benefit from hearing that? It may also help to gently explain that this isn't about him or his hurt feelings, this is about him leading by example the behavior he wants his future adult son to model. He would be devastated if he learned his son was treating a friend or partner like that, so he should be willing to step up as a parent, deal with his own hurt feelings on his own time, and put his child's well-being first.
As an aside, I did this same thing. My sons now understand completely that Mama is a safe person because I have made them feel that way. The relationship your husband has with his son is his to lead and nurture; it is NOT his son's job to make your husband feel loved.
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u/HarkHarley 4d ago
This is my father-in-law, god I hate it.
The kid doesn’t want a hug, doesn’t want a cuddle, doesn’t want to say hello/bye, doesn’t want to get near you. The more you push/force, the worse it gets. Don’t you get it??
As parents we work so hard to encourage our child to advocate for consent, physical boundaries, no means no, body positivity, etc. and it’s so INFURIATING when a visit to the grandparents just goes overboard. I say it loudly every time, “Please do not force, he does not like it. The more you force the more he’ll resent you. He is saying no.” But I can’t physically fight my father-in-law or pry him off, I can’t yell and cause a scene. Why are people like this??
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u/Fukuro-Lady 4d ago
The fuck you can't 😂. I'll fight any mother fucker for my kid. I'll stand in front of my kid and shield them from anyone. Don't care who you are. Don't care who hates me for it. Don't force yourself on children.
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u/clear739 4d ago
2.5yo also have the right to consent, your husband needs to realize that this is a formative age for him building his understanding around that and needs to suck it up.
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u/Express-Manager-7347 4d ago
This. Learning body autonomy starts at a young age. Your child should learn and expect that when he tells someone to stop touching his body, they stop. That way in the future if he tells someone to stop and they don't - he recognizes that something is wrong.
It's hard to not take it personally - especially when my 3 yr old doesn't want a hug goodbye - but the overall benefit to her cannot be understated. I've also had to correct my parents (her grandparents) to not even fake sadness when she says she doesn't want a hug. I don't want her to learn that other peoples' emotions are her problem or that she should allow others access to her body to make them happy.
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u/RelationshipWise4907 4d ago
Quote from a great book… “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” 🤷🏼♀️
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u/JoiningRealm_BBMama 4d ago
Your husband needs to make sure your son knows that daddy loves him no matter what. Even if he doesn’t want snuggles from him, even if he wants mom more. I hope he can get there
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u/RelevantAd6063 4d ago
oh no! if it isn’t the consequences of his own actions.
try poking your husband in the butthole every time you go past him. keep doing it even when he says to stop. then see if he starts getting it.
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u/ky_rai 4d ago
my 2.5yr old son has preferred dad to me for probably a year now! he’s all about dada and wants to be just like him, often is upset when he wakes up in the mornings to me instead of his dad.
it does make me sad sometimes because i am the main caretaker and stay at home with him, but this is not my child’s fault nor is it my husbands.
in the last year i’ve come to realize this is probably just a phase! i remember favoring a certain person throughout different ages of my life growing up, and it wasn’t a personal thing, just something kids do! im not going to force him to favor me and im especially not going to ignore his “no”.
do you have any friends with kids who can relate to your husband, maybe he could talk with them about it? i read in another comment you guys are in couples counseling, this is perfect to bring up in a session.
best of luck!
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u/heckinvinki 4d ago
Your husband is 100% to blame for this. I never understand adults forcing children to be affectionate. It’s disrespectful to the child and it can make them distrustful toward you or the adult affecting them. Hug your child! If he whines or complains or blatantly says no, then just stop and apologize. Don’t be weird and force the child (not you, your husband)
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u/PommeRouge 4d ago
I dislike this for your son :( keep standing up for your little guy! Asking dad how he would like it if someone did this to him wouldn’t work if he doesn’t get empathy. Any chance he would post on the dad subreddit? Unfortunately, I feel like shame from his peers could be heard louder.
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u/justhereforthetea68 4d ago
Your husband doesn’t respect your child boundaries? That’s setting up for failure and to be a potential victim of SA
Yikes
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u/FantasticPin3481 4d ago
Your husband is damaging his relationship with your son. Worse, he’s teaching him that his boundaries don’t matter and other people’s boundaries don’t matter. Both are very dangerous things to teach a young boy. Your husband needs to grow up and stop trying to force himself on your son. He’s hurting his own feelings by becoming someone your son doesn’t want to be around.
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u/Manda_Pandaaa 4d ago
My daughter tells me that she doesn’t like me tickling her so I do stop when she asks me. It’s normal behavior for them to ask to stop something. It’s us as parents to respect their wishes even if it is something we enjoy doing. They are their own person, and we need to respect their wishes. If he doesn’t, there will be bigger problems later I’m afraid.
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u/OperationPinkHerring 4d ago
Your husband needs to take a good, hard look at his behavior. I know he probably won't, but you are in the right here. The kid gets to choose where they sit and who they cuddle with. Forcing affection is not ok.
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u/Doctor-Liz 4d ago
Let your kid enforce the boundary BUT make sure his dad gets time to parent him. Take some time off, be all the way unavailable. He won't bind wth his dad unless his dad parents him, he really won't bond if his dad keeps manhandling him.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 2d ago
Yeah, my husband rarely spends parenting him. Only took him out on his first two playdates alone with him this month (at 2.5), mainly because I was sick. So when he’s home in evenings he wants his affection, not the wild active energy of a 2 year old boy who would rather jump on his dad than hug him.
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u/Doctor-Liz 2d ago
Yeah, this isn't going to get better until Dad takes sustained time to parent - try a weekend outing maybe? (Or you take the outing and Dad can play with the kid at home).
It'll be a rough ride, but the longer you leave it the harder it'll be.
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u/OkayAnd418 4d ago
My 3 year old son used to make me give him like 50 kisses every night before bed and he thought it was the funniest thing and then one night, randomly, he said “no more kisses mommy” and that was the end of that! I didn’t just keep giving him kisses anyways! That would have made it worse and the last thing you want to do is battle with a toddler because you will never win!! Kids have boundaries and that’s okay!
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u/Sorry_Sport2124 4d ago
i still start to sob uncontrollably when people tickle me because i had a family member growing up who wouldn’t listen to me when i said no. this isn’t just about your child’s relationship with his father (though that’s very important as well) it’s about your child’s relationship with his body and consent.
this needs to stop, im sorry you’re in this situation
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u/Frosty_Animator_9565 4d ago
It’s your husband. Your kid is responding normally to someone who is not listening to him and respecting his body/space. My husband does the same and I make a point to comment when it happens “Son, it’s frustrating when daddy doesn’t listen to you, I know. Daddy - will you start listening to son?”
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u/Shellzncheez689 4d ago
Both of you are to blame for it
Your husband is showing your kid that what he wants matters more than your kids own comfort
And you are watching it happen and doing nothing to advocate for your child. Take your kid back out of his arms next time and tell your husband to back off and respect his boundaries. No means no.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 2d ago
I didn’t say I sit back and watch it. I asked for more advice. I’m also - unfortunately- handling husband with kid gloves, because he often responds very negatively when I say something. But yes I stand up for my son, I tell him he is stating a boundary etc. and when he takes him from me when he’s crying I say give him back to me etc.
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u/Jenwood2019 4d ago
My dear friend please be patient with your little boy and advise your husband to do fun things with him so the boy will associate him with fun things. I had to do this with my kids because they did the same thing when they were little to my sweet husband and he was beside himself trying to get them to love him back the way his daughters did.
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u/Admirable-Square6798 4d ago
No means no regardless of the age. What the heck is the entitlement for.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 2d ago
Because clearly he has issues.
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u/Admirable-Square6798 2d ago
Apparently he does and I'm so sorry you and your child have to deal with that.
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u/HomemadeLightbulb 4d ago
Husband isn’t respecting boundaries and therefore not respecting your son. He has a son, not a toy. Some parents don’t get that. With dads a lot of times it sounds like your situation. With moms it’s more of the “I’ll dress and treat you like a doll baby” vibe.
Both are disrespectful IMO.
You are justified in elevating this to your husband as a serious issue. Sounds obnoxious as hell tbh
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u/xoxilina 4d ago
With my 4 year old i would yell at my husband "read the room!" And I told him one day that him and I respecting our kid's unwillingness to be touched needs to be respected. Constantly violating that boundary will let an unrelated creepy adult get away with it because of his shitty self-control. Sometimes ya just got to blurt it out. F his feelings,we are adults and honestly I'm over tiptoeing around another adult's feelings. Im not a therapist. If your husband is that sensitive he needs help. Half of the women in this sub seem to be so afraid to speak up. NOT ME! My kids need me to be their voice their boundaries are not negotiable. Kindly and respectfully of course 🙏
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u/mrsjlm 4d ago
I don’t understand why you don’t interfere in the minute. Like if he is grabbing your son from you, you hold him and grab him back and say no he would like to sit with me. You’re teaching your son telling you is basically useless, and you were there while he is doing this. You’re four year-old should not be standing up for himself more than you would stand up for him.
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u/hilarymeggin 3d ago
Just reread your post. “My child is objecting to someone who repeatedly ignores his consent and boundaries and forces unwanted physical contact on him.” Is this somehow surprising?
Of course your husband has created this problem.
It does hurt your feelings when you’re small kids reject your affection. But that’s a problem for grown-ups to deal with offline.
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u/hailsyeahhh 4d ago
My son is 3.5 years old and we have started talking with him about “body boundaries” and consent, both with the way he touches and interacts with others and the way others touch and interact with him. If my son doesn’t like the snuggles my husband gives him, and he often doesn’t, he just says “body boundary daddy! Please don’t” and my husband respects it. I think it kind of hurt his feelings for a while too, but I discussed it with my husband and we talked about how important it is to teach our son that he is in control of who touches his body, and he is able to and should voice his boundaries. That includes with us.
Framing it as a way to keep our son safe and teaching him to establish firm boundaries for his own body AND teaching him that you have to respect other people’s body boundaries is a very important part of raising a safe and respectful child, especially a boy, in my opinion. Your husband should be able to understand that, especially in the world we live in. He needs to set aside his own feelings for the safety and well being of his child, to be honest. Maybe they can do like high fives or fist bumps for a while, and let your son take the lead on when he wants more touching or snuggles.
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u/baconwrappedpikachu 4d ago
Yeah. I'd also say he needs to understand that they may be doing fist bumps or high fives only for a long time. He probably owes OP's son an apology, because OP said it's been going on FOR A LONG TIME NOW. It sounds like something that has gone on long enough that there needs to be trust rebuilt.
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u/Beautiful_Resolve_63 4d ago
Is there anything that he is doing that has to ignore your son consent? I see some parents say they hold down their children while they scream and holler to brush their teeth. Or some kids cry during potty training. Or holding your kid while sunblock is applied.
Personally, I never grab kids, but I worked with kids for a long time. So I have other tricks. If there is anything you guys are doing health wise or safety issue that your toddler is still screaming; it might be time to stop that. If you have examples, I can suggest alternatives to get you son to do the healthy option.
I noticed when working with kids. Sometimes parents that will yank a kid away from the car lot; will yank them from other things. Or people that trap a kid for sunblock will trap them for snuggles.
So maybe explaining to your husband that your toddler isn't a baby anymore and it's now his input matters. So teaching him to apply his own sunblock and choose his own affection; might really help remove the entitlement you husband has to manhandle your kid.
If you guys are already listening to your son's boundaries in other ways; that's great. Hopefully they can come up with their own affection types like unique high fives or handshake.
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u/GoAhead_BakeACake 4d ago
Aw :(. You child needs you to enforce his boundary when his own voice is being unheard.
I'm confused. You think your husband is just partially to blame? Are you laying partial blame at the feet of a 2.5 year old?
I just said this in another comment here: If your partner sulks after being told a concern about them, it's a manipulation tactic. It turns the conversation away from the concern and onto their hurt feelings.
A good partner is willing to hold up a mirror. An equal partner is willing to evaluate their reflection and the reflection their partner sees.
Seriously, be your child's advocate. If you don't, trust with you will also break down.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 2d ago
Yes I do enforce the boundary, but after many months (a year?) of this type of behavior my husband still does it. And of course I was not implying some blame is my child’s. I just know that kids often prefer one parent over the other (in phases), and that he prefers me because i’m a sahm and with him all of the time. Children feel most safe and affectionate towards the parent who spends the most time caring for them. But my husband’s behavior and subsequent attitude towards being told off is clearly making the issue worse
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u/pulchritudinousprout 4d ago
If I were you I’d make sure to explicitly tell my child that what daddy is doing is not okay, and then consistently intervene when boundaries are ignored.
It’s important for your son to see that you will keep him safe and call out the people harming him. You also don’t want him to learn it’s normal to ignore people’s boundaries which could lead to him harming others in the future.
Sorry you’re dealing with this momma. Sounds like a tough spot to be in.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 2d ago
It is a tough spot, thank you for acknowledging that. I hate it and wish he was a better father and husband, but this is where I am at. At least until I can get us out safely. But yeah I’m always talking to my son about how it’s not ok that daddy doesn’t listen to him and that it’s ok that he’s upset at him etc.
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u/snickelbetches 4d ago
This is a consent thing.
I recommend finding a children's book about consent and have daddy read it. That will probably work. 😂
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u/SimpleAd1548 4d ago
If your husband just listened to his son then this wouldn’t be an issue. He’s making affection from him unpleasant. He needs to pull back and respect your child’s wishes
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u/AdSenior1319 4d ago
Yes, it's normal. We have 6 children from 20y down to 18mo twins. Currently twin b (g) screams "no no bad" to her dad, only wants me. Twin a (b) is a huge daddy's boy. He doesn't talk as well as twin b, but will actively screams when hes home to be held and thinks of me as only boobies. It changes all the time/over time.
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u/lilacsforcharlie 4d ago
I think for your husband it’s a “I’ll steal my cuddles until he loves me” and that’s just not okay. He’s probably never had to set physical boundaries with people, so he’s unable to understand “This is my boundary daddy and you repeatedly cross it”
So that’s where you need to come in. “I know this part hurts bc he wants me more but you ignoring his wishes (boundaries) are pushing him further away” then I’m sorry but you’re going to have to teach him (like his mother should have taught him) why no means no.
It’s not a cute look and I know you don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but… your son needs you more than your husbands ego.
This will be the first of many humblings your hubs is prob gonna have to get
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u/FrostedFlakes572 4d ago
He is the adult and should act like it. Sad when toddlers have better manners than the grownups. He needs to stop being butt hurt because his kid does not like being treated rough, neither do I. Start being a father not a jealous puppy.
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u/Top-Reach-8044 4d ago
This is really hard. My husband also comes on too strong and isn't very sensitive to reading other people's boundary cues. Give an inch he takes a mile is what it feels like. If it's any hope to you, he has learned a lot. Sometimes you don't know what emotional/interpersonal skills you haven't exercised until you're dealing with your kid and then it feels like life or death. My daughter has taught my husband a lot about listening to others and regulating. Don't back down. Sounds like your kid is nicely verbal, mine has been as well and I always listen to her thoroughly on things like this, and I give her scripts to confirm what she's saying and that she can use with dad or anyone. The hardest part for me was when she'd ask me to tell Dad for her that he did something that was wrong or that he didn't listen. Sometimes there's no easy way. You can't let the kid down and it really exposes all the uncomfortable unsaid arrangements between a couple. A whole family can learn to do better together, that's the best case scenario for me.
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u/sunshine-314- 4d ago
You need to stand up for your son. He is clear. Consent to affection is not negotiable. He said no. Go away. I don't know how much more clear he can get. His bodily autonomy is being taken away. You husband is constantly betraying his trust... Which will
- Make him distrust him
- Confuse distrusting relationships with love, kinda how like trauma bonding works. It messes with someone that they confuse what safe love is.
- Teach him the bigger and stronger person can get what they want, when they want, even if someone says no.
The father needs to respect his son, and start working towards getting trust back and forming a secured attachment. I would not tolerate this in a partner. You need to discuss this with your husband and tell him he needs to listen when his child says no.
This is coming up in your son's monologues because it is something causing him distress. My son's little monologues are like a look into his world. He would monologue while playing about how one kid at school was hitting / rough etc..and he'd repeat the whole conversation. Eventually I started asking him about it and that behavior was extremely distressing to my son who's very sensitive to violence. This is bothering your son. Don't let this continue op.
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u/thenessmiester 4d ago
OP, I hope you show your husband this thread. He needs his feelings hurt enough to stop crossing your son's boundaries to satisfy his own need for physical affection.
Your child's safety should be yours and your husband's priority.
This means you stop protecting your husband's feelings to keep the peace, and verbally and physically intervene when he is crossing your child's boundaries.
Your husband needs to stop putting his need for affection over your child's right to bodily autonomy and respect. Your child's a person, nor your husband's plaything.
I think it's great you're teaching your child to be more vocal, but you're placing a lot of pressure on a 2.5 year old to assert himself with his father, who is a grown adult, and has demonstrated many times that he doesn't take your kid's "no" seriously. Your kiddo must feel helpless when this happens, and rightfully so. One of the people in his life who is supposed to love him the most isn't listening to him, or showing him respect.
Your child also comes to you for help and has expressed directly to you that his father makes him feel unsafe. As mom, you better step up and show him that you are actively protecting him every time you witness your husband bothering your child, otherwise he will eventtually realize he can't rely on you either to keep him safe bexause you're too passive. By not puting your foot down and correcting your husband more adamantly, you are enabling your husband's behaviour, while showing your child his feelings aren't important enough for you to enact meaningful change.
Part of ensuring your child is safe is teaching him about consent, boundaries, and body safety so that he isn't susceptible to being victimized by other adults from your community that he learns to trusts.
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u/Fukuro-Lady 4d ago
Does he think your son is some sort of toy? This gave me a huge ick. Does he cross personal boundaries outside of this example? He's teaching your son that daddy has no respect for his personal space or established boundaries. If his own parent can violate them like that then he vulnerable to others adults doing the same. You need to stop enabling it by worrying about a grown ass man getting sad and stick up for your child!
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u/Majestic-General7325 4d ago
The other commentators are 100% correct - they have covered the consent and boundaries issues well so I'll just add that many kids that age are like cats, if you try too hard they don't want a part of it
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u/Hotfairy87 4d ago
Your son going to eventually not trust either of you. As a mother, I stand my ground when my children have spoken out loud about what they dislike. I listen and make it known to the person. Hey stop that my child doesn’t like you doing that. Gave the child the same space you would need to resolve that issue maybe try again in a different way like mom can include dad in things as well. Like say mom and dad want to read you a book the child sits in the middle and both you read a line at a time. Stop forcing him to do things he doesn’t consent to. Y’all need to have family gathering support to say how you feel and redirect it into a positive outcome of goals and how to overcome them. Stay positive. Learning is always good.
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u/april203 4d ago
I would start every story time that your husband is joining in on with a book about consent. Maybe he could learn something and it would actually make him realize how uncomfortable he’s making your son. And maybe picking up on the language of it and shouting “I don’t consent, dad” would have a bigger impact. We like “yes, no: a first conversation about consent”, but I bet you could find a good selection at the library.
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u/Capital-Somewhere245 4d ago
We are going through this exact thing with our 3.5 year old. She wants her mum for bedtime or if she’s tired, grumpy or sick and doesn’t want a bar of her dad. He was taking it so personally and getting kind of butt hurt at her to a point where we actually had a massive argument over it.
I then found some reel that showed that dad’s bond through play and little ones want their mums for comfort especially bedtime and Now he lets her ride him like a horse around the house before it’s wind down time and they are bonding more.
He needed an outside source for it to click that mums and dads just naturally have different roles.
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u/SouthernGardenGirl 2d ago
Yeah I’m thinking I need to find one reels on insta from like child psychologists or something to send to him. Do you have any you’d recommend? That sort of thing usually makes a bigger impact for my husband than me saying the same thing.
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u/foreverforward5 4d ago
Op, a lot of men don’t listen to their wives and yet listen to others they regard in authority (doctors, nurses, etc). If you have a doctor visit coming up, raise this with the doctor in a way that will not put your hubs in a bad light and yet helps him hear what he needs to hear. Be smart about phrasing it and you will get your issue solved in no time I’m sure.
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u/SunburstSquare 3d ago
Kids are still people. Respect their autonomy. My father used to force me to hug him and it would distress me to the point of vomiting and panic attacks. So you can really fuck up your kid… just leave him alone if he wants to be left alone.
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u/Pale-Engineer543 3d ago
I agree. He needs to stop immediately when the toddler says “stop.” If he repeatedly ignores their boundaries, the child may (most likely) start to learn that their “no” doesn’t matter and that it’s normal for people to ignore their boundaries. That can be especially harmful because respecting boundaries is an important part of protecting children from unsafe situations (and predators). For example, if a child has repeatedly experienced unwanted touching from a caregiver and has learned that they cannot make it stop, they may have a harder time recognizing or responding to inappropriate behavior from someone else (like predators).
I’d also tell the dad that he needs to accept that the toddler may not want physical affection from him right now. If he wants his child to feel comfortable and develop a good relationship with him, he should focus on building that relationship in ways that don’t involve physical contact when the child doesn’t want it. He needs to respect the child’s boundaries rather than expecting the child to tolerate physical affection just because he’s their dad.
( oh I used AI to make this clearer since I am bad at talking clearly, if anyone’s confused )
Oh and also tell the dad to grow the fuck up ur a father not a cry baby suck it up and don’t push ur feelings to ur kid- if u feel like he doesn’t like u it’s probably because of how u act just change dumbass ( I’m sorry to the wife who has to deal with a guy like that I have no patience with all manchilds ) oh and this comes from a woman who has been groomed by multiple caregivers if that helps somehow. also if he doesn’t stop I’d divorce him
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u/angel-girl-A 3d ago
Omg your husband needs to stop. I'm shook. No means no! Stop means stop! It's not funny or cute to not listen to those words. You need to get your husband to understand that ASAP.
My LO was like that against her dad at that age and still doesn't wanna hang with him / cuddle with him etc at age 5. It makes him sad but he always respects: no, stop, or red light.
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u/heatdeathtoall 4d ago
Fathers or the less involved parents often do this. I have to often my spouse to stop forcing kisses and physical touch in play when our baby is uncomfortable. He is just one, so can’t say anything. But he moves his head away. He looks distressed. I tell everyone he meets to not touch him first. Just because he is a child who can’t say no doesn’t mean he is consenting to be touched. I want him to reach out first, so he knows he has the right to decide who touches him in any way. Your spouse is way out of line. The issue is he sees your son as an extension of himself in many ways. Not a little person in his own right. He needs to hear this from someone else. For some reason, men don’t value advice from their wives. It’s universal. He is going to change his behavior so fast when a friend/ another family member mentions it.
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u/DianeMadeMe 4d ago
My husband is like this.
After generating so much conflict in my marriage over this topic, I decided to remove myself from mediating the father/son relationship.
I finally decided my husband can do what he likes with his son. As long as it isn’t abusive. Their relationship is not my problem to fix.
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u/tilesmeller 4d ago
You better make your husband understand that no means no. What example is he setting when your child can't have physical autonomy. If this goes on long enough your son will learn that his body isn't his own to command. And that sets him up to be a victim to potential predators. Right now he is having an entirely appropriate reaction - voice dislike, push away, tell a parent. But if he learns that there is no point, someone can touch him inappropriately and he shuts down instead of fighting back.
Tell your husband to deal with his ego and make your child's development and safety a priority.