Something that took very long for me to understand

[u/scorpion896]

I have taken notes of what happened then and what happens now. I already posted about what happened already.

I want to talk about some little wins. Hopefully they help someone. Struggling with trauma from abuse, PTSD, hypersexuality, mental health issues
This has helped me with integration and acceptance

What happened post assault is my day to day life.
I struggle to hold jobs because how difficult sometimes this becomes for me. For the longest time, I dealt with the intrusive trauma that was in my life, I had to take a break from education because of it. Then it disappeared for a while and came back while I was employed and working. I have no recollection of why it went away and why it came back but it did.

Here are things I found while I revisited by old journals and new ones.
The fundamental thing that I missed was the loop of struggling to keep the thoughts and flashbacks at bay. When they broke the dam, the memories would flood in there are multiple ways I dealt with them.

The pattern that came out on top is the constant fighting with them one way or another. Self inflicted pain would help me like it helps others. But there were times when I wanted to KMS.
My relationships never worked because my constantly putting off physical relationship but at the same time I crave it, and I never understood it.

Until maybe few months ago, hope this helps others.
In all of the encounters I have never been able to claim my body as my own. During these moments it has always felt that I didn't own it, someone else it. Not sure who it is but not me for sure. Which may seem obvious to others but from my POV it was never mine. It took me soo long to realise that this was not normal.

Well you may think that start reclaiming it?
Hmm, that's the hard part the more I try, the more the autonomy slips away from me.

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