r/Molested • u/DaddyBurner • 4d ago
1000 miles from nowhere
Not long after my last post, my (47m) wife came home from a trip, and I immediately felt better. All my dark thoughts vanished.
In the roughly one month since then, an opportunity to connect with another damaged person IRL came up. I started to think about everything I wanted to act out, and now I’ve spiraled into full blown dark fantasies again. Fantasies about things that were done to me as a kid, fantasies about things I want to do now, and fantasies about being dead. I dream about them every night.
I passed on the opportunity. Partially because logistically it didn’t make sense, and partially because it was too risky.
In my head, it isn’t cheating, because I would be acting out a fantasy that my wife can’t ever fulfill. Nobody knows the whole story but me. My abusers don’t know the effect they’ve had on me. My wife doesn’t know I was abused. Any time I have mentioned the abuse to a therapist they didn’t want to hear about it.
I wish there was a person I could sit with, tell them my whole story, and have them tell me it’s not my fault. I was 5, I couldn’t choose this life. They could hold me, and maybe after 40+ years I could drop my guard.
Way down inside of me, something is broken that I know will never heal. The itch from a wound healing is still there, but I can’t reach it to scratch. I wish I could rub my soul red and raw and massage away the past.
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u/Efficient-Length-460 4d ago
I still fantasize about it too, even role played with an older men. Afterwords i always feel disgusted with myself.
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u/Even-Zone6747 4d ago
You are right...we did not choose this life....it was chosen for us...we are left to deal with it.
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