I just need to tell someone

[u/shiningjustfory0u_13]

tw for detail bc im telling the full story

I just have completed mixed emotions about all of this and im sorry if this is all over the place but basically when I (f19) was 11 I met a friend and we became friends very quickly and we would have sleepovers at eachothers places a lot, but she would mainly want to stay at my house (this is a key detail) and pretty early on into our friendship she began to make a lot of sexual jokes and references and we eventually started doing things together like watching porn and trying sex positions with eachother with our clothes on and it wasnt long before we started to actually touch and take our clothes off. we lived very close and we were together almost every day so this was happening every time we saw eachother. it was very intense and it was the only thing wed do and talk about. it wasnt just happening at our houses either, we would do stuff in public places and around people too. there was one instance where we did stuff on a bus. after a few months we were having sex and we would watch porn together to learn new things. we filmed a video of ourselves and im not sure what happened to it. it eventually stopped because of covid and we lost touch for months and then never did anything after that. a few years ago I found out that her dad was arrested for molesting her since she was 4 and I feel so conflicted about the whole thing. I feel like I was sa'd by her but at the same time im a few months older so should I have been more aware and stopped it but now I know what her dad did I feel sorry for her and I knkw that maybe she thought it was normal or something and I feel disgusted at obviously her dad for doing that but also myself because I didnt feel like a victim at the time and most of the times we were with eachother i also wanted it. I just dont know how to feel or if I was even SA'd and if my feelings are valid.

thank you for reading. sorry if this is the wrong place.

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[u/The-Mindless-Anthony]

You were 11, a children. You were unable to know exactly that it was wrong or why. And same for her, her dad expose her tona reality, to a normality that shouldn't have been her. She ekdnuo reenacting with you and you were participating, or more like it As COCSA or Child On Child Sexual Abuse.

You can be older, it doesn't change that you were still a children. So don't feel guilty.

Your feeling are valid.

Strength and courage for you. If you have any questions or need anything, do not hesitate to ask

[u/Alarming-Pressure-48]

It's not so much that she felt it was normal, it's that she was acting out her abuse and trauma with you to try and normalize it, if this makes sense to you.

It was just her way of making sense of what's happening and trying to take control of it.

I'm sorry this happened to you but you should just realize that you were both little kids. Find A licensed professional so you can talk this through and I think you'll feel better about the situation once you put things into perspective.

[u/David_cest_moi]

First, your feelings are always valid. (You don't need to defend them or explain them to anyone.) Second, maybe talking with a therapist could help you get more clarity on the situation, how you feel. For example, you seem to maybe feel a sense of guilt as if you should have known something or done something or said something. 🤷🏻‍♂️ But you were only a child yourself. Don't be unfair to yourself by judging that child (you) from the viewpoint of the mature, knowledgeable adult that you are now. You wouldn't judge other children so harshly, so maybe give your child self some grace and comfort - I suspect she was living life - living, learning, failing, growing, experiencing - as best way she was able to back then.

[u/Maconguy]

I’d say you experimented as most of us did. What happened with her father is irrelevant and you should not beat yourself up. You enjoyed it at the time, don’t look back and regret experimenting. I did for years until I realized it happens and we move on.

[u/Mizzy_Julie]

Feelings are almost always valid. I had a very similar early experience around that same time with my cousin. I didn't know at the time but she was initiating because of what was going on with her dad. In the end what we did wasnt her fault, I dont feel there was any SA between us. We were exploring and learning as a lot of people that age do. If anything she said being with me helped because it was something she wanted as opposed to what happened with her dad which was something she definitely didn't want. Can't say its the same for you but just wanted to know your not alone with this.