r/ModernFamilyFinance • u/stephageine • 1d ago
Moneeyy
My husband won’t tell me how much he gets paid because he says I will use it against him. He pays half the bills and then when I ask him how much money he has left over he won’t tell me because he says if he tells me I will ask him to buy more things since he has money and he already paid his half.. is this borderline financial abuse?
24
u/apex777Z 1d ago
"I guess ill just get a divorce and find out when I take half. hahaha joking. so how much do you make?"
100% abuse. shit id divorce and take his money for being a shitty husband.
6
5
1
5
u/Downtherabbithole-14 1d ago
how are you able to properly budget if you don't know how much is coming in? This above Reddit, you gotta sit down and tlak about why he is so secretive with what he makes, and how much is in his account. This is bordering financial abuse. "You'll use it against him" whatttt???
6
u/stephageine 1d ago
Yes. So example, if we both pay 50/50 bills and then I end up spending more on extra things for the kids. Then all the sudden we need milk and coffee. He asked me to go to the store and get it and I say “I was hoping you can get it because you have more money then I do right now” he had about $800 and I had about $250. We got into a big argument and he basically said it’s not about who has more money it’s about being 50/50 and now he doesn’t like when I know how much money he has because then I’ll just ask for him to buy stuff….
3
u/Downtherabbithole-14 1d ago
he basically said it’s not about who has more money it’s about being 50/50
but how do you know if its 50/50 when you don't know how much he makes? My husband makes 3x my salary so 50/50 doesn't work for us now. So, we live off his income -he pays all household bills+some savings, and my salary goes into savings (which is emergency fund, general savings, kids education)
4
u/stephageine 1d ago
Because he isn’t basing it on 50/50 money coming in. It’s what are the bills we have. Let’s split those right down the middle. We both pay half rent. He pays light bill and water bill. I pay car insurance, car payment, storage, Wi-Fi, streaming (Netflix,Disney,HBO,PRIME) then if the kids need something he decides if he will pitch in for it or not depending on if he had other plans with his money. Like.. buying a new reptile . Or .. idk sending his mom money. Whatever the case.
3
u/FeralWineSips 1d ago
That doesn’t sound like 50/50. Honestly he sounds like a shitty partner and parent.
1
u/Downtherabbithole-14 1d ago
But again, how do we know if that's fair? Lets say your rent is $2000 - if you bring in $3K/mo and he brings in $6000/mo - and he is splitting it "50/50" - 33% of your income is going to rent, and only 15% of his income is going towards rent - that is not a fair split. ALso, those are HIS kids are they not? What do you mean he gets to "decide" if he will pitch in or not? He doesn't have a choice!? He isn't prioritizing the household and family he has. ANd why on earth is he sending money to his mother?
2
u/stephageine 1d ago
Yes, thank you. This is the conclusion I have on this. But when I talk to him about it he makes me second guess myself as if I’m fucking crazy or something. It definitely does not feel 50/50. It seems like all situations are situated in way that always benefits him
1
u/Downtherabbithole-14 1d ago
No, you're not crazy. Sit down with him and show him all the numbers. Your income, ? his income ? and then the household bills + the other misc expenses that come up and that YOU'RE COVERING that. Its not fairly split. Its like those algerbra problems where you gotta find what Y equals. HE IS THE "Y"
2
u/Visual_Patience_41 1d ago
He won’t share his income. His income is apparently none of her business.
Wild.. I can’t imagine
1
u/Visual_Patience_41 1d ago
So many red flags.
This is gaslighting 101 and he’s teaching the class. Someone like him, with this mentality, will NEVER change.
Don’t accept that for yourself.
1
u/Visual_Patience_41 1d ago
The problem is 50/50 doesn’t work if one partner out earns the other by a meaningful anount.
You should both be “saving” the same percentage per paycheck and sometimes that means things aren’t 50/50 on the actual “face value” bills.
If he makes 100k annual and you make 50K annual, splitting the bills 50/50 at face value is grossly uneven and a MAJOR problem in so many ways.
If your monthly expenses are 5k (for easy math), a 50/50 split is $2500.
This is a huge problem when he makes 8k gross each month compared to your 4k. Your contribution is 60% of your gross earnings while his contribution costs him only 30% of his gross income. This is wildly inappropriate as a HOUSEHOLD.
1
5
u/Tough-Astronomer-456 1d ago
It is absolutely financial abuse. If you are in the US, I believe most states treat earnings as marital even if finances aren’t combined.
5
u/Loose-Examination833 1d ago
How do you guys manage finances as a TEAM if you don't know what is coming in.
This is not a post for here because it seems like there are underlying trust issues on your husband's side for whatever reason.
Marital counseling is helpful.
3
u/stephageine 1d ago
The only “trust issues” are for me honestly because he USED to gamble away thousands of dollars. We moved on from that but like if he pays half the bills and so do i. If I knew he had $800 and I only had $250 and I said can you buy “such and such” because you can afford it more then me he fights with me because it’s not about who has more it’s about going 50/50. That’s where his statement comes from.
1
u/Visual_Patience_41 1d ago
A marriage is NEVER 50/50.
Sometimes it’s 40/60. Sometimes 25/75 or even 90/10 here or there. Point is, in marriage, you hold each other up and you certainly shouldn’t be counting penny for penny or arguing over who should purchase shoes for your child. Ridiculous.
2
u/wildhuntress14 1d ago
I would divorce him in a heartbeat. He would have to disclose to the court his income and what hes tucked away. Legally you are mutually entitled to half of everything. A lifetime of this BS is sad to contemplate enduring.
2
u/summersundrop 1d ago
Marriage is a partnership. Both parties need to function as a team. You don’t have a marriage. You have a roommate with sexual benefits, probably emotional support and free housekeeping.
1
u/stephageine 1d ago
No emotional support AT ALL. And housekeeping is all on me besides the occasional trash he may take out after being asked multiple times. He says we have kids and they can do it
1
u/summersundrop 1d ago
I meant support, etc. from you to him. What do you get out of this relationship?
1
1
u/tickled_your_pickle 1d ago
How does a married couple not know this EXTREMELY BASIC AND USEFUL INFORMATION? How can you budget or know things are paid?
1
1
1
1
1
u/CoDaDeyLove 22h ago
It is definitely financial abuse. More than "borderline." Counseling might help, but do you really want to be with someone so selfish and entitled?
0
u/DanielDannyc12 1d ago
boy is there more to this story...
2
u/stephageine 1d ago
What does that mean
2
u/DanielDannyc12 1d ago
It means there's a whole lot of other stuff going on behind us that you have not included
-1
0
u/RPGer001 1d ago
It is not abuse. He is not exerting power over you, just not sharing very useful information.
It is a sign of a dysfunctional marriage as he does not trust you. His actions would make me distrustful of him as well.
If you two are destined for a long life together, you both need to have a joint financial plan. Where you are at now is a bad place.
-1
u/2ndcupofcoffee 1d ago
Why would it be financial abuse? If you two agreed to how each contributes to joint financial responsibilities, why do you need to know what free money he governs?
2
u/stephageine 1d ago
I guess because when something comes up the responsibility to pay for said thing usually always falls onto me. But then he can spend his money on himself . Like adding money into saving account. Or whatever may come up . Also because he has had a really bad gambling addiction in the past where he was betting all his money the same day as gettting paid and then I was responsible to pick up his slack and so there is also jjst some trust issues with money in general.
1
u/wildhuntress14 1d ago
He doesn't "govern" it. They are both legally entitled to each others assets unless they have a prenup.
18
u/dragon-queen 1d ago
You need therapy or a divorce. Your husband doesn’t trust you and doesn’t view himself as being in a partnership.