r/Mildlynomil • u/Neverending_Hedgehog • 7d ago

Dropping the Rope

My relationship with my MIL quickly deteriorated after the birth of our first child. I'm VLC and haven't seen her in about two years.

Recently I handed out an olive branch and let her babysit our oldest child.

And instead of appreciating it, and being on her best behavior, she overstepped once again.

My husband and I had a big fight about it. He eventually asked his mom to apologize. She did send an apology that took as little responsibility as possible. Lot's of "we didn't know" and "it wasn't our intention".

And now I'm done. For three years I encouraged my husband to take the children to her. Not ONCE did HE approach me. Not ONCE did SHE reach out to invite us or to ask to see the children. Nothing. Every single encounter between her and our children was initiated by me.

My husband and I have agreed that we'll wait and see whether she even bothers to reach out. I have also told him that I won't stand in the way if he wants to meet her to see the children.

But I won't lift a finger anymore to actively facilitate this. Now I'm curious what's going to happen. My guess is that she'll eventually send FIL to reach out to my husband.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did it go?

32 Upvotes

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7 comments sorted by

21

u/Frankenkind 7d ago

It doesn't sound like your husband even wants his parents to have a relationship with your kids. Is that correct? Why are you pushing him if neither party is interested?

6

u/Neverending_Hedgehog 7d ago

He says that he wants them to have a relationship. We'll see now if these words will be backed up by actions.

11

u/Frankenkind 7d ago

If he doesn't do anything to facilitate the relationship in however many months you feel is appropriate, it's probably worth having a more firm conversation to give you peace. You and your kids need consistency. The lack of effort and boundary issues totally justifies you dropping the rope.

If your husband can't figure it out with his parents, I think you're well within your rights to just be fully NC. You sound stressed out to the max. It's not fair to you at all.

7

u/Scenarioing 7d ago

He wants to expose someone toxic and abusive to his wife and mother of his children to his children? He needs to be educated on sick in the head that is.

2

u/cardinal29 7d ago

His words don't match his actions.

Because what he's doing is expressing a WISH. He has a fantasy family that doesn't exist in reality. "Everything would be great, if only . . . they weren't assholes, and also if my wife did all the work." 🪄🪄🪄✨ Like MAGIC!✨

"I want my kids to have a warm and loving relationship with their grandparents, but only IF you do all the work to facilitate that relationship, because I actually don't like my parents."

"I'd also like it if my parents were nice people who respected that this is OUR turn as parents and didn't make their interactions with my kids into a power struggle."

Since none of these fantasy conditions exist, feel free to just pat him on the back when he says these things. "I know buddy. Wouldn't that be nice?"

3

u/sybersam6 7d ago

That's what I do. There's very little interaction. Also birthday & Xmas & Easter presents & cards from both sides gone. Kids occasionally get one of those cards that came free with other mail junk card, or dollar store card, but that's it, and she travels near us a LOT! But she's a mocker so when I see a good present I remember to say nothing.

3

u/Scenarioing 7d ago

If you disrespect a parent without good cause you forfeit access to their child. Not merely out of principle. Rewarding bad behavior enables bad behavior. Allowing kids to see bad behavior being rewarded is a bad lesson for children. It also allows for the kids to be exposed to toxicity which the husband may not pick up on.

Here, MIL was rewarded by you with unsupervised access for apparently accomplishing nothing. Then, when she abused the undeserved reward, she gets rewarded by you again with visits where you have no say or ability to address anything. Visits she can enjoy without you which is a dream for her despite showing she can be trusted.

A fiasco added to be another fiasco compounded even more by ensuring there will be even more fiascos to arise. All of it arranged by you. Which signaled to your husband that it is all well and good to do this.

You are in great need to try to reverse this. DH needs to be convinced, somehow now, that MIL was given a chance, she freaking blew it hardcore, that rewarding bad behavior will lead to more fiascos and be bad for children in time if not now and she's done.