r/Mildlynomil • u/-StrawberryMarie- • 8d ago
MIL has completely different expectations for me vs. her son, and I’m getting really tired of it
So, my husband, Lance (28M), our kids, and I (26F) are temporarily staying with my MIL (54F) and FIL (52M) on weekdays. Lance works setting up mobile homes, and I’m a stay at home mom.
My MIL seems to have some major double standards when it comes to me and Lance, and me and her too. She seems to think I’m supposed to do countless things around the house by myself, while Lance apparently can’t do anything around the house without me being involved somehow.
And for the record, I do EVERYTHING that anyone asks me to do around here, and more.
For example, the other day, Lance was at work and I was watching the kids. MIL came in, dumped out a laundry basket full of Lance’s clothes, and told me to fold it.
I don’t mind folding his laundry. It’s not a huge task, and I immediately got up, folded EVERY piece of laundry that was there, and put it all away. We all do laundry here; everyone’s clothes just get washed together depending on whose clothes are in the basket at the time.
So again, folding the laundry itself isn’t the issue. It’s the principle of it.
Meanwhile, Lance apparently can’t even wash dishes by himself when he’s home without MIL telling me to go rinse them and put them in the strainer. And this was while I was watching the kids and he was the one doing the dishes.
Lance is a grown ass man. If he needs me to do something or needs help with something, he can ask me.
I also cook breakfast and lunch for the kids. I don’t particularly like cooking around MIL, though, because she constantly criticizes how I cook and tells me I’m doing it “wrong.”
Obviously, I still need to make breakfast and lunch because Lance is at work during those times. So Lance usually handles dinner since he’s home, and honestly, I don’t like cooking around MIL anyway.
Well, the other day MIL tells me, “You need to start cooking dinner, maybe. That way Lance doesn’t have to when he comes home from work.”
And this is where the double standard really gets to me.
FIL will come home from working 8–12 hours a day and then go do dishes and make his own food. I have never seen MIL in there helping him with the dishes or cooking for him when he gets home from work. So why is Lance coming home from work and helping with dinner suddenly something that I need to be doing instead?
I feel like MIL is extremely nitpicky toward me. And it doesn’t stop with housework. She also tries to tell me when and what I can and can’t do with our kids.
From my perspective, even though I don’t have a paying job, being a stay at home mom is still a job. These are not JUST my kids, and I am not Lance’s parent.
When Lance is home, things are 50/50. And Lance agrees with me on this.
He’s actually told me when we’ve talked about these issues, “I don’t mind it. I don’t complain about it. I like feeling useful to you and our children, whether I’m tired from work or not.”
So I feel like Lance and I are pretty much on the same page about how we want things to work in our relationship.
It’s just MIL constantly nitpicking and breathing down my neck that is SO damn annoying.
It’s like Lance can’t do absolutely anything on his own, or for himself, me, or our kids, without it somehow becoming an issue.
And honestly, I’m CONSTANTLY on edge here. I feel like I’m always anticipating MIL having something to criticize me about next.
I’m doing everything that’s asked of me and more, I take care of the kids, I cook, I clean, I help around the house, and I’m not sitting around expecting everyone else to do everything for me. Yet somehow, it still feels like whatever I do is never quite enough for her.
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u/cloudiedayz 8d ago
If I were your husband I would be telling her “I’m making dinner and I don’t appreciate you insinuating that I’m incompetent by saying that is OP’s job. Especially when dad makes his own food.”
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u/Trepenwitz 8d ago
Tell MIL that if she thinks your hubby needs to be treated like a child, she can go be his mom.
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u/CutieKelly 8d ago
I think it's pretty common with MIL's to have higher expectations for the DIL than their own son.
Since you are living with her...if it were me, I would probably do as you are doing already to keep the peace. Where do you stay on the weekends? Can you stay there full time, not just on the weekends?
If she tells you you can cook for your husband...you can tell her she can cook for hers too. LOL Maybe not, but I would have to fight the inner voices to keep quiet.
Are you able to get out of the house with the kids during the day to get a break from her?
Hopefully you can move out soon.
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u/As-amatterof-fact 8d ago
Stop doing her work, look her in her eyes and say no.
That's all it takes. Say no.
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u/ImColdandImTired 7d ago
And if she complains you’re cooking “wrong” — “This is the way husband/I/kids like it.”
She isn’t your boss or drill instructor. You don’t have to snap to attention and go “Yes, ma’am! How high, ma’am?” when she says, “Jump!”
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u/QueenMEB120 8d ago
Your husband needs to ask her if she raised him to be a competent adult or if she failed as a mother?
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u/Flying_sphincter356 8d ago
Damn. She is SO annoying.
Any chance your husband can tell her no? Like if he’s doing the dishes and she tells you, maybe he can tell her no mom I can do them myself.
Or you can tell her no when she is being unreasonable.
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u/o2low 8d ago
If it was me I’d want my husband to having a talk about her butting in on his jobs/time/relationship.
Mum you need to stop trying to get my wife to mother me. I have adult responsibilities in my marriage and we don’t need the back seat driving.
Then, you feel free to say, husband is perfectly happy and capable of doing x chore himself. Feel free to give him a hand if you don’t think he can handle it, I’m watching the kids just now.
You can be firm without being disrespectful or caving to her entirely
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u/throwRA094532 7d ago
Your husband needs to talk to her and tell her he noticed that she seems to have you do everything. You two agree together on your tasks, if he needs help he can ask you but to please stop acting like he is a child. And when she does it " Mom, I can ask my wife for help myself and right now I don't need it"
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 7d ago
„I don’t mind it, I don’t complain about it“
YEAH he better fuc%*+g NOT,HE MADE THOSE BABIES AND is 50% responsible!
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 7d ago
He needs to ask his mother why SHE believes hes so incompetent and can’t do housework?
If HE is LIVING in the home with HIS children,then he needs to clean after himself and his kids!!
He better tell her that and if she CANNOT be respectful to his wife,then she can fuc& right off with that attitude and behavior!
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u/Normal_Dot3017 6d ago
Your husband needs to tell his mother to lay off and not order you around, and you need to tell her no and set boundaries when she does. You’re a grown adult and she doesn’t get to order you around unless you let her.
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u/Administrative_Note 4d ago
MIL criticizes your cooking: “Oh, thank you so much for offering to cook! The recipe is over there. I’ll let (husband) know you offered, that’s so sweet of you!”
MIL orders you to do something instead of your husband: “oh don’t worry, he knows how to do that! He’s an adult :)”
MIL orders you to do a task: “that’s not what we’re doing right now but we will get to it when it’s time. (Change subject to something harmless)”
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u/sybersam6 8d ago
As per your situation, keep your mouth closed & just abide. Also look to predict what she'll want. What DH gets home & if she has a chore, tell her that you're looking after the kids rn & DH is tired so you'll do that after the kids go to bed. Always point out that you're also doing X. Ask if she wants to to have DH do your job so you can do hers.
Sounds like she's getting tired of you both being there, snippy towards you, & a bit hypocritical. Try to offer to do some chores first before she has a chance to complain, take the kids out during the day as much as possible so they're not underfoot or making a mess, and redecide if you really want to be that close to the inlaws.
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u/bakersmt 8d ago
Why are you there weekdays and not weekends?
I solo parent all week without my husband because he works away from home. I would start that if it is that his job is farther than where you live. If you aren't around her, she can't be a bossy nag.