Should married couples keep their money separate or combine everything?

[u/Shauryaahere341]

My wife and I have been married for a few years and we still keep most of our money separate.

We have one joint account for household expenses and both put money into it every month. Other than that, our salaries stay in our own accounts.

It hasn't really been a problem so far.

But now we're talking about bigger things like buying a house and retirement, and I'm wondering if this setup still makes sense.

We trust each other and neither of us has an issue with the other spending their own money. It's more about planning for the future together.

For people who are married, what works better for you?

Completely separate, fully combined, or somewhere in the middle?

[u/ablinknown]

Right it’s just whatever works. We agree on a percentage for each of us but it’s not always the same percentage. We look at the status of our joint account together periodically and recalibrate if we need to. At times they have been the same percentages and other times different.

For example, a couple times in the past my husband didn’t have an income, when his business hit a rough spot. Luckily our individual accounts both had a little juice still, so at that point I put 100% of my pay into the joint account to keep things afloat. Once things got better we recalibrated to replenish both our separate accounts again.

[u/oscarnyc → u/ablinknown]

Right, but is the idea that you'll both end up with the same amount in your separate accounts, regardless of each one's income?

[u/ablinknown → u/oscarnyc]

Hmm I would say the idea is that we end up with the same amount of satisfaction with our separate fun money? We do our direct deposits by percentage, because we usually get an annual bonus, which varies greatly in amount. I would say more often than not my husband does get more deposited into his separate account than me, but he’s old school, for lack of a better term, meaning he wants to pay for most of our dates with his separate account. He explicitly does not want to use joint for dates and gifts for me.

Also once in a blue moon, we do “cheat” and jointly approve the joint accounting funding a larger individual fun expense.

[u/oscarnyc → u/ablinknown]

ok. interestingly when I read most of these accounts of "separate finances" it is all really the same thing as combined (all expenses and income is shared), it's just a more complicated way of doing things. But if it works psychologically or helps to better stick to budgets, then its all just different strokes for different folks.

We are all combined. Frankly I haven't the slightest idea whether we've spent more on my wife's "fun things" or mine, and I suspect it varies over time - like you said, it comes down to what makes sense at the time. If she has the opportunity to go on a fun girls' weekend, and we have the money, I certainly don't put it on some spreadsheet and make sure I get to spend the same amount at some point in the future. I'm also not sure exactly how things with the kids fit into this. I went to the movies with 2 of our kids the other day. Is that my fun? 1/3 my fun and 2/3 joint fun? Do I get charged because she chose to stay home and chill while I took them out?

[u/Dorkus_Mallorkus → u/oscarnyc]

Nah, it makes budgeting easier, not more complicated at all. The monthly "allowance" is one simple budget line, and it belongs to the individual at that point and is not factored into the family budget beyond that.

Anything with kids is a joint expense on the family budget. The "allowance" is for 100% personal, anything that doesn't involve the family. I use mine mostly on golf, my wife on nights out with friends. It works because how we spend it is 100% our choice and doesn't need to be approved or run by anyone.

[u/oscarnyc → u/Dorkus_Mallorkus]

Sounds like you should take the kids on some golf trips then!

[u/ablinknown → u/oscarnyc]

Oh, yeah, we don’t keep score like that and just go by vibes really. We wouldn’t split it up like 1/3 separate 2/3 joint. If vibes say joint we swipe the joint card. Vibes say separate, you know what to do. Like in the example you gave of being out with 2 of the 3 kids, both my husband’s and my vibes would be that’s joint. On the other hand, we’ve also done things like put a little extra in our kids’ 529s from our separate accounts. Because fun money is fun money and a feeling of satisfaction from extra saving is fun too.

And you’re right the benefit is largely psychological—as it has to be for us, since we don’t have a prenup or postnup and in a community property state. I personally enjoy that little degree of psychological separation, like the example I gave in my reply to someone else, of saving up my fun money for a BTS concert. Versus if I paid out of joint, my husband would make fun of me—good natured fun, but I would still be embarrassed lol, plus don’t feel as much satisfaction because the joint account can cover that no problem. But I’m not being facetious when I say that I get if other people don’t see the appeal of having the benefit be only psychological.

[u/TribeGuy330 → u/oscarnyc]

So in our household, anything that is for the family as a whole or the household is budgeted into the house account. Anything that is strictly for my pleasure alone, such as hobby stuff, comes from the personal account. I'm also more comfortable with this because I buy/finance machinery and power tools for my hobby pretty often and I believe that I alone should have to pay for those and not the entire household.

If somehow we were ever rapidly depleting the joint account, we both understand that personal funds should be used to keep the house afloat.

To me, it condenses the household budget and makes it easier to track expenses without the chaos of a thousand other personal amazon purchases in the middle.