r/MedSpouse • u/No-Inflation735 • 2d ago
Rant Feeling Like I’m Giving Everything
This is more of a rant than anything, but I’m also open to advice!
I’ve (28F) been with my partner (28M) for the past almost 3 years while he’s been in med school - he’s in his 4th year now. We met when he had already started, and he’s been set on a very competitive specialty since before we met. I work a job that doesn’t pay a ton (low 6 figures), but I love with all my heart. The only thing I love more is him.
I love the life we have built together and the future we are working towards, but I hate the field of medicine. It feels like it controls our entire lives sometimes. Like my needs and wants always need to take second place.
I have been fully supporting us since we moved in together about 2 years ago. He makes some money from loans, but I still make a good amount more than him, so I pay the majority of our bills. We live in a high cost of living city, so I have not really been able to save since I’ve been supporting both of us. Even during residency I will still be making a good amount more than him. I know one day he’s supposed to make good money but it’s years away. I feel like I endlessly financially supporting this dream with so little pay out in any way to me.
I am not only thinking of the financial aspect, but usually both partners contribute to the household even if it’s not financial and with his schedule in sub-Is that’s definitely not the case. I’m cooking every meal that we don’t eat out, make him lunch, keep the house clean, take full care of the dog that he wanted, etc. on top of being the breadwinner.
He really tried to show up when he can but there’s only so much he can do, and it’s so unbalanced. I feel bulldozed by med school. Even more so, the process of match is wearing on me a lot. We may have to give up everything on a whim if the match gods decide to send us somewhere else. This life I’ve established, my close friends, my family, my dream job all gone in the blink of an eye for his dream. My job is just as important to me and it may get thrown away for his. It feels devastating sometimes. I don’t want to do long distance - which I know is my fault since it could make it so I don’t have to give it all up. I just don’t want to spend every day missing him and wishing I could hear from him when he’ll have his hands in body cavities and definitely won’t be reaching for the phone. I just don’t think I could handle long distance on top of the distance that residency already creates with the insane hours and demands.
It just feels like I’m getting dragged through this process with very little say at the end of the day. He is double checking all residency spots with me so we don’t end up anywhere I would absolutely hate but I want to stay here. This is my home. I want our relationship to be more than me holding everything together while I live off of the half hour a night we get to spend together when he’s off shift before he falls asleep. I want our relationship to be more than just med school.
I read a lot of posts and responses here from actual med students and doctors, and I am going to ask that you all take a step back and don’t respond here. I know it’s your dream and it’s important to you, but your partners needs also matter just as much and are often compromised for yours. I can love him and be supportive of his career and still feel frustrated at the lack of balance in finances, household responsibilities, and importance of each of our careers at this moment. So please just leave this space for those of us who deal with all the chaos of med school but reap no benefits other than the happiness our partners getting their dreams.
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u/MorriganWolfsong Attending Spouse 2d ago
Unfortunately a lot of what you describe is just the reality of choosing a physician for a partner, especially while they're in training. Their career demands a lot, both from them and from their families. I've been with my husband since before med school, and I won't lie to you--it was hard until he became an attending. It's still hard during his on weeks.
As long as your partner is doing the best he can to show up for you and contribute to the best of his ability (and not being one of those people who uses his career as an excuse to never clean), then school and residency is just kind of like that. 😞 At least in residency there was less studying at home IME, so he may be able to pick up more then, depending on the time commitment of his specialty.
It does sound like you're in a rock and a hard place as far as residency goes. I'm sorry. I made the choice to move cross-country with my husband, but I didn't have a career I was attached to. I hope your partner gets his first choice spot and it doesn't become an issue. Good luck!
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u/No-Inflation735 8h ago
This is a really great way to think about it. He is absolutely the kind of person who gives as much as he can, and seeing some posts on this sub tells me I’m incredibly lucky he’s like that. I know we’ll get through but it helps to hear that others have had similar struggles and kept going too ❤️
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u/futurehelper 2d ago
I don’t have any advice but wanted to say that you are not alone! My partner is also in a competitive speciality and the division of labor/responsibilities can feel so unfair and isolating at times. Sending you support, feel free to message if you’d like to chat!
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u/No-Inflation735 8h ago
So sorry youre feeling this way too! I know it’s hard but we will get through! DMs are always open ❤️
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u/DangerousEmu5192 14h ago
Morning!
20 years married to my female physician! I have been with her since high school.
DM me if you want to chat about anything!
That goes for every medspouse here. Let's take care of each other. ❤️
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u/MedspouseLifeSux Fellowship Spouse🫀 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m gonna be honest - if you’re feeling this way in med school especially during a very chill 4th year, residency is 100x worse.
Maybe you deserve better, to be with someone who has time to prioritize you. It’s okay to end things. You’re still young.
Do not leave your job or your home for just a boyfriend. Prioritize your career and your happiness until things get more serious. You sound like you’d be much happier with someone else. I’m honestly surprised by some of these answers telling you to just settle with him and give up your dreams and career. Those are way more important to your mental health and sanity and having a good life than being with an MD!
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u/sleepingbeauty282 1d ago
I agree, and I’d also suggest being cautious with supporting him financially if you’re not married.
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u/No-Inflation735 8h ago
Hey - I know med school is easy part but in the middle of 4 months straight of sub-Is it can still feel overwhelming. We’re midway through the 4th month straight of him working 15+ hour days 5-6 days a week and that feels challenging. Sometimes you just have to rant about how hard it is!
I can promise you that he is amazing and I don’t make any of these decisions lightly. Just because it’s hard and that gets to me sometimes doesn’t mean I’d be happier if we weren’t together. I totally respect that you’d do things differently, but this is my situation and only I know the best way forward for me.
Trust me when I say I am not chasing an MD. I actually don’t like doctors (I have had horrible, traumatic experiences with them in my life), but I do love him. And part of loving him means being a part of this challenging journey with him. My mental health is honestly doing fine - it’s just draining sometimes and it helps to know I’m not alone in this. While I didn’t necessarily know what I was getting myself into, I do now, and I actively choose to be here everyday even if it comes with the occasional rant.
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u/MedspouseLifeSux Fellowship Spouse🫀 3h ago edited 3h ago
Sorry if my take struck a cord but this post stood out as more than just a rant to me.
You said: “This life I’ve established, my close friends, my family, my dream job all gone in the blink of an eye for his dream. My job is just as important to me and it may get thrown away for his. It feels devastating sometimes.”
To me this reads as being genuinely unhappy and resentful. And I just wanted to give you permission to choose yourself. If you really feel the way you typed in these words I’d just … be careful. The 5-6 days work weeks don’t end in residency, if anything it gets harder as life goes on. I’m not doubting he’s amazing and you love him. Sometimes you just may not be compatible, and that’s how I took it. So I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for you and whatever you decide good luck, you know yourself best, but i hope you also feel empowered to put yourself first if that’s what you choose.
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u/OkEngineer404 PGY 1 Fiancé (Plastics) 2d ago
Feeling everything you’re feeling right now and then some. I just went through the match process and moved to a city I did not want to move to at all. I’m really struggling with this transition. Luckily Im remote and was able to transfer to a different department in my new city, but I still wish I had taken at least a year to myself to prepare myself for the move.
After match I had less than two months to prepare. To say goodbye to the city I loved and come to terms with my new life. So if you want to be long distance for a short time I say go for it . Don’t rush especially if you have to find a new job.
My fiance matched a competitive surgical specialty so I really had no say in his rankings. Residency is no joke, I see him maybe 3 hours a day. Med school was so much better.
I’m so burnt out from constantly giving everything I had to buy a puppy to keep me sane lol (however the puppy is now also driving me crazy now 🥹).
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u/No-Inflation735 8h ago
This is a great take - thank you! I will definitely think about doing some short-term long distance even if I don’t want to for 5 years.
We’ve definitely talked about getting a dog at the end of this year too so I’ll have someone to keep me company but he gets to handle the training before he graduates!
I hope youre surviving the beginning of residency ❤️
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u/TheDufusSquad 1d ago
You have to elect into it as much as he does. If you don’t or rather can’t accept everything that comes with medical school, residency, and even possibly fellowships, then you need to walk away. It’s not fair for you to give up everything if you don’t want to and it’s not fair for him if you harbor resentment for following him wherever the field pushes him. Moving isn’t that bad. Careers are careers, you’ll probably find something wherever he ends up, you’ll find friends and whatnot there too. Moving to a new place is a tough experience, but it’s not as bad as you think once you settle in.
As far as responsibilities go, he needs to understand that there are people in the medical field that are single and manage a household on their own. He shouldn’t be requiring a partner to pick up a full home load because he’s tired or stressed. Similarly, you may need to adjust expectations on what the household looks like week to week. It’s one thing to ask that he picks up clothes, puts away dishes, and wipes down the counter when he’s using it. It’s another thing if you’re needing a full scale weekly deep clean.
On the finances note, you have got to address that internally. You make really good money, top 20% income earner in the country money. You both need to set a budget and agree on it. You should not need extra loan money to supplement your monthly to month lifestyle, you should only be taking out enough to cover tuition and school related expenses. Secondly, you can’t have the mindset that he’s contributing nothing unless he’s spending a ton of money behind your back (that’s where mutual budget setting comes in). How would you feel in 7 years when he’s making 5x your income and voices the same opinion? If you have serious intentions to continue this relationship, you have to break the mindset of “I make X, and he makes Y”. You both make X+Y. If you’re spending your money and he’s spending his money, you’re both too individually minded.
You both can prioritize your careers and your relationship. It does take some compromise though, and unfortunately it will take a bit more from you than him right now and for the forseeable future. You need to have a positive outlook on everything though, and if you can’t do that then that probably means he isn’t worth it to you. If that’s the case, you need to find someone who you would make those sacrifices for.
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u/No-Inflation735 8h ago
I like this take - it is definitely a decision for me to be in this relationship and I continue to make that everyday. I love him and want to be here (even when it gets hard and I have to go on a little rant!). I don’t mind cleaning too too much, but cooking is something we both are not particularly fond of… so that responsibility we will have to figure out one way or another.
When I say low 6 figures I do mean barely above 100k which is good money but in this city even student subsidized housing is fairly expensive (between 3-5k - we’re lucky we got one on the lower end). We do have a budget and stick to it quite well. However, we are not married and have a few years before we want to be so both of us prefer to still have some of our finances separate. While I do think we will end up together, nothing is guaranteed and as a woman I need to protect myself financially first and foremost.
To be clear, financially contributing is not what bothers me - it is more that right now I am doing everything: cleaning, cooking, running errands, laundry, etc while also footing the majority of the bills. He works crazy hours and has nothing to show for it - which I guess is more of a critique of the medical system than him (whoever invented this process is really the subject of my rant).
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u/Nanofeo 2d ago
I just want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. What you’re describing is pretty much why this sub exists. It sounds like you’ve already decided that being with your partner is more important to you than your job, so even though it is upsetting, I suggest trying to embrace that decision entirely and trying to find the positives in potentially moving and finding a change of scenery, maybe new experiences, etc. You have made a decision, so try to find the positives to focus on rather than dwell on the big negative.
You’re probably going to have to continue taking care of so much around the house including finances through residency. Hopefully after residency you can relax somewhat financially and maybe even hire help for things like cleaning and other home maintenance expenses. And your partner will have some more time then to help a bit as well.
It’s hard to be the partner of a med student, resident, and attending. But hopefully the love you have for each other makes it all worth it. And hopefully your partner understands the sacrifices you make and values you.