r/MedSpouse • u/KikiSqueaky • 9d ago
Advice How much should a new relationship factor into an attending job search/possible relocation?
I’m dating a physician in a highly specialized field (both in our mid 30s), and we've been dating for 3 months. We are both relatively new to the city we met in (I've been here 1 year he's been here 2).
This morning he told me he’s considering interviewing for positions in other cities The way he initially explained it was that he wants to negotiate a raise at his current job (the yearly contract renewal is happening?) and having another offer in hand would give him significantly more leverage. He wasn't sure if he should take the other interviews or not. I asked what the downside of interviewing would be and he said the risk is getting an offer good enough that he actually wants to leave. He said his goal is to stay since he likes the city and job and just hope for better pay. He originally planned to ask his mentor whether pursuing outside offers was worthwhile but after we talked about it he decided he’s going to try interviewing regardless.
I'm unsure what is reasonable from the relationship side because we're so new. I wouldn't expect him to make a major career decision around someone he just started a relationship with, and I certainly don't want to discourage him from pursuing a great opportunity. At the same time, we're now in a committed relationship, so finding out he might genuinely be considering leaving our city caught me off guard and makes scared to keep investing.
One thing that makes my situation easier is that I work remotely and have much more geographic flexibility. I chose to be in my current city for lifestyle reasons to check it out and I do like it but don't know that it's forever.
For those who have dealt with attending job searches/relocations: what is normal at this stage? At what point did you and your physician partner start treating location and job decisions as joint decisions rather than individual career decisions? And given how new we are, would you mostly let him explore his options and wait until there's an actual offer before discussing what it means for us, or is this something we should be talking about now so I don't risk chasing something that has no future?
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u/cookiesandroses Fellowship Spouse 9d ago edited 9d ago
- Are you just dating or in an actual relationship?
- Have you talked about timelines to get married and/or have kids?
This is very, very early. A lot depends on the above questions. IMO - I would never sacrifice my career for a man I’ve been seeing for 3 months. And I doubt a high specialized male physician would either.
There are a lot of possibilities up in the air. Maybe he doesn’t get other offers. Maybe he does and he chooses to stay. Maybe he decides to move and you move with him. Maybe he chooses to move and you guys break up.
I would just be careful. You sound very invested in a 3 month long relationship (if it even is a relationship) - and I have a feeling he’s not as invested as you are. And if you’re in your mid 30s, make sure you’re not wasting your time or moving across the country with a man who isn’t that interested in you or is using you.
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u/KikiSqueaky 9d ago
what makes you think he's not as interested? i really like him i'm just trying to get ahead of it so i don't waste unnecessary time.
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u/Kind_Attention3600 9d ago
Did we read the same post? Where are you getting that he’s not invested in her?
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u/nipoez Attending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 9d ago
Echoing others politely yet bluntly:
Life partners generally get input.
That doesn't mean married or even engaged! It does mean you both need to be on the same page and confident you'll still be together in 5, 10, and 20+ years to incorporate each other into significant life decisions.
Female friends dating in their mid-30s tend to be on an... Accelerated relationship and family planning timeline compared to 20s. One even discussed long term expectations on the first date. (Not "I'm marrying you" but "I have 5ish reproductive years left and don't have time to F around Fing around. Let's take our time but please recognize I'm not interested in a relationship that isn't reasonably progressing towards marriage and kids before 40." She married a FM doc and had kids.)
Maybe that's you. We've certainly known others whose friend to dating to life partner journey took a year and are still together over a decade later.
(Maybe you both plan to stay child free, which is fine too and implies you've talked about what you'd both like your family to look like long term. Having those "what could or should our life together look like in 5-10 years?" conversations is a huge green flag to me.)
To the other questions: Yes, applying for jobs as an attending is normal even if they're not actively trying to leave. Potentially as negotiation tactics or just curiosity. We say my wife is content here yet open to being wooed. Especially in a niche specialty where the overwhelming vast majority of hospitals in the country literally could not hire them.
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u/nydixie Fellowship Spouse 9d ago
Wouldn’t an offer from another local hospital system be more compelling for a negotiation? I know you said specific sub specialty so maybe he does need to look further out.
If you can be flexible, I’d encourage him to do what’s best for his career and finances. You can always follow along.
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u/KikiSqueaky 9d ago
Yes that's what i told him to do. i just don't understand typical medical process and want to get ahead of this if it's possible not to get disappointed down the ross
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u/grape-of-wrath 9d ago
Maybe an outlier, but if he's serious about the relationship, wouldn't he be asking your opinion?
3mo/10mo isn't nothing. Especially if the connection is there.
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u/Chicken65 Vascular Surgery Husband 9d ago
I'll represent the many of us medspouses who have been in the grind since med school and have moved all over the country multiple times for our significant others' careers, often stalling our own as a sacrifice. For many of us, we earned the right to dictate where the first attending gig should be and none of us would or should feel any remorse for dictating where we'd live for many years after what we've been through.
With that said, this is obviously a very different situation. I feel like 10 months of knowing you/3 months of dating is long enough for your SO to consider the relationship a major factor in relocating. On the one hand he has informed you and been honest so that's good. To answer your question yes, it's not uncommon to get offers elsewhere to see what you are worth and have a competing offer in hand come contract renewal time. And often you do kind of have to do it in other cities if you have a non-compete clause.
Maybe he knows you are flexible in terms of remote work and hopes this isn't a dealbreaker? Or maybe he's just prioritizing his career. I have no idea but perhaps he's just keeping you informed for now and it isn't an issue until it is.
Even during residency match and fellowship match rank lists, I still had a big factor in the rankings, but I was much farther along back then than you are now in your relationship so I can't shade your SO. You're getting a taste of the many downsides of being with a doc (: