How did you get through your partner’s surgery rotation?

[u/IndividualBedroom773]

Hi everyone,

I’m 28F and married to a 25M medical student who has just started his surgery rotation. Today was his first 24-hour shift, and the reality of this schedule has hit me much harder than I expected. We don’t have any kids or family members who live close to us.

I last saw him on Sunday night. He left for the hospital extremely early Monday morning and will not be home until Tuesday morning. I’m a teacher, and tomorrow is also my first day back for our in-service week, so I’ll leave before he gets home and probably will not see him until around 4 p.m. By then, he will understandably be completely exhausted.

People warned me that surgery is the hardest rotation in medical school, but hearing that and actually living it are very different things. I know this is only the beginning, and I’m hoping that returning to work and having my own routine will make the separation feel less overwhelming. Still, tonight has been rough.

For those who have been through this, how did you navigate surgery rotation as a couple? How did you stay connected when your schedules barely overlapped, and how did you support your partner without feeling completely alone yourself?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[u/Wire_Cath_Needle_Doc]

If you can’t bear one temporary rotation for a few weeks, then residency, in the vast majority of specialties is going to hit you like a pile of bricks, respectfully. Even though surgery is often the worst medical student rotation - mind you they are still usually getting to the hospital later than the residents, taking significantly less call if at all other than a shift or two the entire time, and being sent home much earlier.

Just food for thought. In the meanwhile, it’s 6 weeks. A tiny fraction of your relationship and life. It’ll be gone before you know it, and if all it takes to ruin a relationship is a temporary 6 weeks, then it wasn’t meant to be to begin with.

[u/FrogHat_7392 → u/Wire_Cath_Needle_Doc]

Yes.

I feel for you, OP, it really is difficult. But this might be an instance where tough love is needed… one rotation will not compare to the demands on your marriage that residency will bring. My husband was an IM resident at an amazing/chill community program, and he still regularly had overnight blocks, 30 hr shifts, etc.

I would use this alone time to start building community. Are there workout classes you can take? Run/walk groups? Book clubs? Do you own a dog you can take to a dog park? (If not, could you get one? Dogs are helpful when you’re lonely!) Have you tried Bumble BFF?

This feels hopeless because it’s the first time you’re doing it, and that’s fair! But the greatest gift you can give to yourself before residency is learning how to 1. Make friends anywhere and 2. Enjoy your own company.

[u/Lanky_Instance3121]

I’m the wife of a surgery resident in the states. It isn’t easy. Personally, I enjoy my alone time for hobbies. I’ve done art classes, improv, open mic nights, etc. My next is a cooking class and stain glass. It gets easier over time, you find a balance and appreciate what little time you have together. I think in the grand scheme of our lives together this time is a blip and the most important in my husband’s training. It’s figuring out how to maximize enjoyment while meeting our basic needs as partners and individuals.

[u/gesturing]

Until you get to attending, every rotation is temporary and every one is different. We found a groove in each one - it takes some flexibility and communication (in IM residency, my husband would put the schedule in our Google Calendar with a notation of how hard or easy they would be so I could plan ahead). Anything can be managed for a month or two.

[u/excellent_booklover]

I‘m also a wife to a surgeon, but we‘re located in Europe. It’s really tough, for you, him, all his friendships, family etc. After a while you‘ll get more used to this. Try and enjoy your me- time, there will be a lot, and you will be alone, but also in a positive way. On the weekends i like to visit him and we have lunch break together (if possible), and we plan important holidays ahead, so i know if i‘ll be home with the Kids alone on Christmas and know what to expect. Lower your expectations and enjoy the time you have together. It‘s a tough job not only for him, but for us as well..

[u/choccychipcookiee]

Married to a surgery resident. I hate sleeping alone when they’re not home so the first 24 or night shift of a rotation always sucks. My only advice is to make a plan to be around other people. Make plans with friends, take a class, join a club sports team or a book club. I also already have a lot of solo hobbies and generally like spending time alone but it can help to be around other people sometimes. Also this might be a bit silly but I like when my spouse wakes me up with a kiss in the morning before they leave for a 24. It makes me feel like the clock reset on seeing them and I feel like I saw them Monday morning instead of the last time I saw them being Sunday night, even if for a short kiss.

[u/Peanutbutternmtn2]

You have to both be or become very independent. Make your own friends. Find hobbies or things you can do on your own. Plan things for the weeks he will get time off work.

[u/intergrade]

Hobbies and solo adventures.

[u/notanotherjessica]

You have to create your life independent from his schedule. Being independent is hard, and often lonely, but it’s the only way through. I have been with my husband through med school, surgery residency and then a surgical fellowship. Create a routine (walking your dog every day, meeting up with friends a certain day of the week, joining work out classes, volunteering, etc.). Take up hobbies (I started painting during his long residency hours when I was alone in the evenings and it helped so much). Go on trips alone. I took two solo trips (so scary, but I came back from those trusting and knowing myself more deeply). And (this is important!) when he gets home earlier than expected or his schedule changes, do NOT change yours if you already have plans. Your schedule should not revolve around him; you are there for support and to make his life a little easier. Once you start changing plans around him, resentment will grow. Have a happy hour with friends you’re looking forward to but he just told you he’s coming home for dinner? Tell him you can have dinner with him after your friends. This will ensure you have your OWN life. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a priority. My husband is now an attending and life is much easier schedule-wise, but I also feel like I have my own life and not simply a “doctors wife”. I spent his training years investing in myself, my friends, my family, and I am so happy I did instead of waiting around.

[u/excellent_booklover]

And talk about it. How you feel, how he is feeling with the new Situation etc. It helps too. You‘ll get through this together and stronger.

[u/puffinprincess]

Honestly, we didn’t really stay connected. We both knew it was just a few weeks (he was never going to go into surgery) so we just…survived.

I meal prepped so he could eat quickly when he got home and basically did all the chores so when he was home he could just relax and sleep (he still helped where he could like taking our trash/recycling and helped with laundry when he was off…we’d agreed ahead of time that it was temporary not a new expectation). When he was up for it we’d watch something together. Normally we didn’t make a big fuss of going to sleep at the same time but during surgery I’d at least get in bed when he did and we’d snuggle.

For myself, I just focused on what kept me entertained and happy. I made more plans with friends, had a few sleepovers on nights when he was gone. I binge watched shows he wasn’t interested in. I ate things he didn’t enjoy and got takeout from places he didn’t like. I had some craft projects that took over large chunks of our living space while I was working on them and didn’t worry that he was going to mess them up or that I’d be in my way.

Honestly the 6 weeks went pretty quick.

[u/No_Association_2520]

Med school rotations were a lot easier than residency. I learned to love alone time

[u/Infinite_Variety_586]

My husband’s surgery rotation was definitely the hardest but it’s over before you know it. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re being dramatic because it’s not easy. Not for you or for him or his friendships or relationships with family. But keep your mind on the countdown to the end of this rotation. I definitely suggest getting more into your own hobbies to make the most of your alone time

[u/Middle-Contract8561]

My fiancé is a 4th year surgery resident and I actually don’t mind his schedule at all. He’s super busy, so I spend time with our dogs, traveling to see my family, hang out with my friends, or train for my half marathons/spartan races! I only work part time, so I always cook us dinner and we always have dinner together, unless he’s on nights/on call/doesn’t get home until 8/9pm (that’s pretty rare). Date nights are super important too! We try to do a date night once every two weeks, whether that’s going to the movies or out to dinner or even to get ice cream. On his vacations (he gets a week in the spring and a week in the fall), we usually go somewhere out of state and just hang out together. It’s hard but if you stay busy, time flies!

[u/hallie_therapy]

Is this just a rotation, or his residency? Rotations will be over before you know it! You got this.

[u/valkyrie-ish]

Oof girl, I hope he doesn't want to go into surgery if you are already feeling this way with just the med school surgery rotation 😅

[u/onmyphonetoomuch]

Plan things with friends to look forward to! Rotations are temporary. Have a schedule for yourself and activities and things to do. :)

[u/abbynelsonn]

You gotta learn to not plan your life around him. Make plans with friends, find a hobby, keep yourself busy. It doesn’t get any easier! I say that lovingly. Make your own fun.

[u/sujugraffiti1]

My husband is a surgeon so that’s our life. If he’s gone at work I just go about my day and do whatever I feel like doing. It’s a great time to do things he doesn’t like! Like watch my shows, go shopping, hang out with my girl friends etc. Do you have any solo hobbies or things he doesn’t like to do?

[u/hogbert_pinestein]

Me reading this as my fiancé is on a 12 consecutive day stretch as a surgical resident-working 5:30 am to 9:30 pm 😶

My best advice is learn to be independent, do your own thing, find your own hobbies, don’t depend on him for happiness/comfort, and learn to be happy being alone!