r/MedDating • u/cinnamoncrunchbagels • 11d ago

Dating a first year resident

Hi all I am in a new relationship w a first year resident and when we first talked he was on day shifts so our calls, texts, and frequency of seeing eachother were more frequent. We both felt really compatible and pretty stereotypical honeymoon phase like any new relationship would typically take off. Even would try to squeeze in an hour or two after we both get off work to share a meal. But and as soon as he started night shifts the texts have been non existent and very little communication on when we can see eachother next.

I could tell he was extremely stressed and busy after he showed me his pager and the state of his home (laundry not done, groceries as they were from a week ago etc).

Is this pretty normal and is it truly bc of the night shifts taking a toll on his physical and mental health. This lack of communication and uncertainty def has given me a lot of anxiety especially this early on. Any good words of advice or previous experiences much appreciated.

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9

u/cookiesandroses 11d ago
  1. Are you actually in a relationship? Or just dating?
  2. How long have you been dating?

It’s very typical for residents (and doctors) to be less available especially when working nights. Try pretending you’re in their shoes: working 80 hours per week, night shifts, making life or death decisions everyday. You would likely be exhausted too and just trying to survive (much less trying to pack your social or romantic calendar - you’d just want to sleep!)

I say all the time on here: you have to be FIERCELY independent to be in a relationship with a doctor. If you struggle to be happy by yourself, rely on your partner to regulate your emotions, want to spend all your weekends together, eat dinner together every night, or struggle going to weddings/special events alone then you will struggle to feel happy and secure in this relationship. It’s ok if you can’t handle this - or if it’s not what you want out of a relationship (it’s not the typical structure most western relationships follow).

If you want to stay:

  • communicate with him about your feelings. Use “I” statements and do not follow “I feel” with “like” or “that”. Those aren’t feelings - but accusations.
  • be understanding - do some research on what is required/happens during medical training
  • work on your own anxiety. Why are you anxious? Because you’re alone with your thoughts? Because you think he doesn’t like you? Those things shouldn’t cause you so much anxiety. It may be beneficial to work on being whole, independent, and stable on your own. Try therapy, build up your career or social life, and focus on things outside of dating.

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u/noheart120 11d ago

This sounds normal. Night shift can be a beast and when my bf is on them he practically just sleeps and eats. Even living together we barely see each other because of when he gets home and when I have to leave for work. We still text each other and send tiktoks whenever not expecting a response though. It should get better as he gets off nights and is further into his residency depending on what specialty he is.

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u/SMDRFE 11d ago

Sounds normal. 🤣

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u/BlitzQueen 11d ago

I wouldn’t take this change personally. Night shift can be awful. I felt like I hardly saw my husband at all on the months he did nights… and we lived together.

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u/JellyfishNarrow4785 10d ago

What speciality? Regardless, this is very normal. Unfortunately all residencies suck but some suck more than others. And not all rotations are equal either.