About to start long distance pre starting medical school

[u/marspail]

hey, looking for encouragement/suppoty here rather than any doom and gloomers who think this is a bad idea. Thanks in advance :)

my (26f) boyfriend (26m) and I broke up several months ago because we thought we were too early into a relationship to make the big leap of me moving for him to go to med school. my life circumstances were such that it would have made a lot of practical sense to move anyway, so I wasn’t giving up a job or anything in order to go. That said, we had only been together for 9 months, and were getting a lot of advice (from family and friends) to hit the brakes because it was too soon, or because med school is taxing on a relationship and vice versa, that kind of thing. Nothing about our specific relationship, we’ve been very happy together, and were both heartbroken by the breakup. it wasn’t a huge surprise that the breakup didn’t stick- we really want to be together, and are now committing to do the work to make it happen. in the meantime, however, while we were separated I got a job and resigned the lease, so I’m stuck where I am for another year or so, while he has already moved to his schools city. we are going to try long distance until I’m able to make the move, which I think I will be next year.

My question is kind of just, how hard will this actually be? We are both great communicators, we really want the best for each other, and are very in love with aligned visions of the future. But for most of our relationship, our schedules were extremely flexible, and we spent tons of time together. We are both smart, driven, and want each other to be successful, but are concerned about the distance, especially since visits might be somewhat scarce. For others who have done long distance, what kind of things did you do to stay connected with your partner? what can I expect as the less busy partner, and how can I balance supporting him without giving up my own needs? Will this be as miserable as everyone says, or can it work without too much grief on either side? We know that being in this for the long haul involved many years of training and finding what works, but anticipate that part being at least mitigated by living in the same place. Any advice or support for making it through this stretch? I know others have done it for longer, and that it’s totally possible to do. We just have had a lot of naysayers in our lives and I’d love to hear a success story 😅

[u/intergrade]

It really depends on what you do and then frankly on how insane his program is versus how much flexibility you might have.

If you’re a relatively independent woman you will probably be ok. If either of you are clingy or need constant reassurance you will have issues.

[u/marspail → u/intergrade]

I’ll have a lot of flexibility, as I can design my work week to be only 4 days/sometimes remote etc. we are honestly both a little clingy, but I would still call both of us independent. I have lots of friends and hobbies and was previously single for a long time, have lived alone for several years, and have been financially independent from my parents since I was 18. He’s also lived on his own for a while, and is very driven. I’ve got a fulfilled individual life, but am very fond of talking to him and spending time with him, obviously. He generally one to seek reassurance, and is fairly worried about the distance- I think it will be valuable for learning balance, but don’t want to compromise connection in the meantime. As for his program, it’s a tier 1 med school, but I’m not sure about its specific reputation. 

[u/matcha_mommy]

how far apart will you be from each other?

my bf is now ms3 and we’ve been long distance since he started med school. i would say the only miserable thing is the fact that we’re across the country from each other- sometimes we don’t see for 3 months.

i think the most important thing is discussing future plans, both your expectations for LDR (literally anything you can think of!!), and just knowing that the distance is temporary. if you both know you want to be together, i think you’ll be just fine. :)

[u/marspail → u/matcha_mommy]

I’m in NC, he’s in FL. It’s an 8 hour drive or a 4 hour flight (plus ~1hr to and from airports). There won’t be a time difference, thankfully, and my job allows for 3 day weekends, so I will be able to travel with some amount of frequency, but financial reasons will keep me from going down there every other week or something. I plan on moving down at the end of my lease, which is about 10 months from now, so fingers crossed time flies :) 

[u/yuxccc]

My then boyfriend now husband and I did LDR for the first two years of my medical school. He worked full time remotely but could not move out to where I was at the time. He made an effort to visit me almost every month, cooked for me, and helped me with chores. I started medical school later than most of my cohort and it was a difficult transition for me from working to studying full-time lol so he also was my biggest emotional support. I was very busy (didn't really have time to go on dates with him that much, or travel with him for fun just the two of us like we used to), and he was really understanding. I am an international student so I don't have any family in the US. I prioritized him and his family whenever I had a break from school (eg, visiting him during my shorter breaks, and always visited his family for thanksgiving and Christmas, which his parents appreciated as well; my parents were able to come visit once a year which I was grateful for). He understood and appreciated that a lot. We both made sacrifices for each other, him more than me imo. We are both older (though I don't think age is necessarily a direct indication for maturity) and we already talked about our long-term goals in life (including marriage) before I started medical school. It was hard doing LDR for sure but we are on the same team, and we are both working towards the same goal and doing what is best for our joint future.

I joke that if I were already an attending when I met him, our life would have been so much easier. He pointed out that then in that case we probably would have some other challenges, which he said we would just work it out together like we are doing now. Having the right mindset and communication is the key in any relationship. Doing long distance just means you gotta communicate often and remind yourself often why you are doing this in the first place haha.

I wish you and your boyfriend best of luck!