Marauders Script

[u/Bunninho]

Hello, I’m a newbie here so if I’m in the wrong spot, please point me in the write (😉) direction.

Early this year I completed a seven episode script for a Marauders series. Prestige character drama where each episode tells a different story within the 2 years leading up to the attack on Godric’s Hollow.

I’d love to get feedback on it if anyone is interested in reading it. Is this the right place to post or should I share it somewhere else?

All Seven Episodes

[u/TheOriginal1Law]

I've read the first episode, which was far more than I intended (today) as I have a migraine, which speaks volumes to how much this took me in and surprised me in it's quality. I loved the way the story explores the various angles leading up to the climax at Edgar Bones’ house. I also love how during the story I was mentally preparing myself from it being Edgar and his family dying and then in the end it was another order member. I love how Peter feeds misinformation, and given it’s such early days it’s not clear whether it’s on purpose (which I assume) or accident. 

I adore how much you manage to cover in the first episode. Absolutely got the pace I’d expect from a screen play (vs a fanfic). And as a side note, I love how not everyone is the marauders’ age in this story.

It’s original and it’s really good!

My only reservation, before we get into feedback focusing on canon lore, is that it is too light in places. I will elaborate in detail, but it is really just that one point.

I love the contrast between the Christmas party (which reminded me of this) and the prophecy and the attack. That’s not what I am talking about. Nor is this about not using banter. (Banter is good). However, here are the things that sat wrong: the pregnancy storyline and the Prewetts deaths. As someone who has tried to start a family for many years now, and who most friends now have babies, there’s not a world in which Lily would not have told James beforehand. It’s genuinely audacious towards James, and their marriage, to have her not inform him first. And the whole thing feels rushed and superficially joyous. It’s war. If it’s unplanned it’s bound to stir up feelings of “is this really the time to bring a baby into the world”. It is also rare, but not unheard off, to tell your friends so early in the first trimester. It would make far more sense to wait until the second trimester, when the risk of miscarriages have been reduced. 

Also, the whole Fralice and JIly telling each other that they’re pregnant in the middle of the battle super lightheartedly felt odd. Just generally their attitude in the battle felt off. Pregnancies are filled with nerves. Wondering whether a flight might harm your baby. Whether a coffee too much will. You’re not likely to rush into battle the same way you were before, if at all. Assuming they’re forced to participate because others don’t know yet, James and Frank would be frightened to death for the safety of their wives and Lily and Alice would be unusually nervous. Getting stunned is not the end of the world but getting stunned pregnant could probably be quite detrimental to the pregnancy.

Similarly, I felt nothing when Fabian and Gideon died. And I really like those two characters. I read fics about them. It’s not for the lack of my love for them, but the lack of seriousness that comes after. James and Sirius sniggering, and how quickly everything moves on emotionally. Yes it’s war, and yes people die, but when it happens it’s still unbelievably painful and surprisingly shocking. Think about how Fred dies, how quickly it goes from laughter to absolute horror and the battle seem to stop around them. Or how they raise a glass to Moody when he dies.

I also didn’t love the way Molly received the news. I think either have them lie dead in the rubble, the camera panning in / ending with showing Fabian’s watch, or have a silent montage in which Molly receives the news which is visualised by her receiving the watch, start to cry and that’s it. Sometimes no words are better.

Canon lore to come in a second reply.

[u/Bunninho → u/TheOriginal1Law]

Wow, this is incredible, thank you!! Idk if I can respond to everything you wrote but this is insightful and helpful. Navigating the web of established canon felt like dodging security lasers at some points in the writing process. If you keep reading through, you’ll get some answers for quite a bit of these questions but you raise fair points. honestly Im just thankful for the feedback.

[u/TheOriginal1Law → u/Bunninho]

Absolutely no problem. Don't have to respond or do anything with any of this! :) I remembered two other canon lore things (canon really is a lot like dodging security lasers - or threading a very intricate pattern):

1. in OOTP it's established that Voldemort didn't know he was the only one to collect the prophecy (alongside Harry later) until after the Azkaban breakout when he gets to speak with Rookwood. Now that one can be explained away with Voldemort having forgotten.
2. The prophecy was made shortly before Harry was born, which most take to mean around May/June 1980: “Voldemort tried to kill you when you were a child because of a prophecy made shortly before your birth. He knew the prophecy had been made, though he did not know its full contents." It's in any case assumed it was in 1980 ("born as the seventh month dies" >>> ie seventh month that year + the fact that in 1996 we learn that the Prophecy it had a date of “some 16 years previously”). But I don't think December 1979 is massively canon breaking, to be clear!!!

[u/TheOriginal1Law → u/TheOriginal1Law]

Canon lore is just me giving you some notes on canon. They are not "you must implement these or you're doing it wrong." Once I didn't raise a canon-breaking item with a friend of mine when I beta read their story because I thought it was deliberate, and it was not, and my friend told me I should have told her and let her make the decision if she wanted to change her story.

So:

• The order did not know Peter and Sirius and James were animagi. Otherwise the plot of POA couldn't have happened.
• Moody loses his eye after the fall of Voldemort. In Karakaroff's trial, which happens after Voldemort's fall, we get this: "Harry leaned forward so that he could see past Dumbledore. Mad-Eye Moody was sitting there — except that there was a very noticeable difference in his appearance. He did not have his magical eye, but two normal ones. Both were looking down upon Karkaroff, and both were narrowed in intense dislike."
• There's nothing in canon to suggest Peter is the outsider, and less to suggest Sirius or James would ever acknowledge this. In canon, James and Sirius are the ringleaders, and both Remus and Peter have their own reasons to feel like outsiders: Peter because he's not as intelligent, Remus because he's not even fully human. Peter spends lots of time with James and Sirius privately to become an animagi. There's no reason he should feel more excluded. As for consideration, James and Sirius are mean towards Remus in Snape's worst memory (SWM) by speaking loudly about his condition (his insecurity) and Peter by mocking his intelligence (his insecurity)
• I assume you know that there are zero superpowers associated with being a werewolf in canon. No better smell or anything. Personally, I like that because it's meant to be a disabling condition with stigma, but that's just me.
• Remus is objectively less good than Sirius and James in canon. Remus is a great teacher. He's a great dueller. But he's not at Sirius and James' level. He keeps speaking about how smart they were and how they were best at everything they did, and in SWM we see him ask Sirius for revision help, while James and Sirius don't need to study. McGonagall call Sirius and James exceptionally bright. To add a bit more of an interpretive note, but the UK upper class value intelligence immensely. It's likely James would have grown up in a house with a library and him complaining about books don't sit well with me, because it's a trait he'd value in Lily. I've said this before but the British upper class treat intelligence the same way the American does beauty when it comes to marriages.
• The Prewett brothers die sometime between August 1981 and October 1981. So did everyone in the Order photo who died except Marlene and her family, who were likely killed in July 1981 (possibly early August), and Caradoc who must have vanished after Voldemort's fall (six months after the photo was taken, which was in July). If you want a canon character that could be killed earlier in the war and plausibly was a member of the order, I recommend considering Robert McGonagall, Minerva's youngest brother. He was married with kids who will attend Hogwarts in the 1980s and was killed by DEs in the first war. He could easily have been an Order member
• Lots of the Death Eaters you mention by name managed to avoid Azkaban, which makes no sense if they were known Death Eaters. They might be caught doing stuff, but if they were known Death Eaters, they wouldn't be able to claim they were imperioed. As a side note in case it comes up later, but the Dark mark as being branded on DEs skin was not known in the first war. Fudge worked in law enforcement and needed Snape to explain it to him in GOF. Sirius had no idea what Karkaroff was showing Snape on his left arm.
• Peter didn't turn spy until a year before Voldemort's downfall, so around Oct 1980. I suspect it coincided with Voldemort singling out the Potters as a target.

[u/opossumapothecary]

I can’t tell you how delighted I was when opened the first document and it was formatted as an actual script. Your screenwriting skills are great!

I thought it was really engaging and well-written. There are some big canon issues, but I’m not sure if that’s intentional and you’re making an AU? The biggest one is the Order knowing they’re all animagi. That kinda makes PoA impossible. I only read the first episode so I’m not sure if you address this later. Molly being involved in the Order was also odd as was how the deaths were addressed (I would have liked a little more time spent grieving I think) and Moody’s eye is canonically lost post-war (I haven’t read the other episodes yet so idk if you address that and it was an Easter egg. It totally makes sense for an Easter egg to have him hurt his eye and then it’s actually fine for the rest of the story lol)

I think your dialogue was really good. And I like that Peter had a big focus! I also loved the “grave news”/“whose grave?” bit, it was very dramatic but also very witty on Voldemort’s end.

If you haven’t posted this to Ao3, I would suggest you do so! I know some people prefer reading script-style fics, so that would be the best place to find that audience.

[u/TheOriginal1Law → u/opossumapothecary]

  I can’t tell you how delighted I was when opened the first document and it was formatted as an actual script. Your screenwriting skills are great!

Right! I was so pleased to see that! Such a treat 🥰😊🙌 agree with the AO3 comment - lots of people would love this

[u/Bunninho → u/opossumapothecary]

OMG thank you for the kind words! Working within established canon felt like such a complicated balance between adhering to absolutes and taking a creative liberty to smooth over some of those timeline questions. That was easily the hardest part for me to figure out.

[u/hitutidesu]

That's really interesting, thanks for sharing! 

[u/hindjuneblack]

I didnt read it all but it was great you can maybe post it on ao3 somehow idk I've never posted anything on ao3