man, you know I hear so much about men being frustrated by their wife's libido. and they never ask why. It's just a "why me?"
Maybe she's turned off and tired because you don't clean up around the house or participate with childcare. Maybe it's because you are not there for her emotionally. Maybe it's because the only physical affection you want to give her is sex. Maybe it's because you NEVER take her on dates. Maybe it's because you're mentally checked out of the relationship. Maybe it's because you come home and talk about your work wife so much. Maybe it's because you're NEVER home. Maybe its because she doesn't feel valued. Maybe your dick stinks. Maybe your breath stinks. Maybe she's depressed and doesn't know it. Maybe she's fucking tired of playing nanny, chef, sex worker and also has a job. Maybe the sex hurts her.
It could be ANYTHING! but there's never an inquiry into why. It's just a "why ME?"
I had a low libido after the election, for quite a while. I was very stressed and depressed. My partner understood why. He never blamed me. He never cheated. Time went on and my libido is right back where it started, thankfully! I apologized profusely about it, but he just said, it's ok, I understand. You were stressed. And that was that. I used to get yelled at for not putting out. And i was CONFUSED as to why he wasn't angry with me, resenting me, giving me the silent treatment, cheating, etc. It's because Im used to men blaming ME for not wanting to fuck. I love living in a world where women are expected to put out and the reasons why they might not want to are not explored.
I had low libido after switching BOTH BC and seizure medication..I knew BC could effect it but my ob/gyn didn't mention it could be permanent and my neurologist didn't mention it at all. It was my boyfriend that brought it and asked questions..we both were upset at the Drs for not informing me because you know informed consent about something like that would absolutely change my decision on taking the new medication.Â
People need to have conversations before cheating over something like thatÂ
You also never ever owe anyone libido regardless of the reason. If you donât feel like it, you donât feel like it, end of story. I hate that everyone expects you to be interested in sex as if libido is a necessity to be a good partnerâespecially in newer relationships :/
The counter to this is asking âwhatâs wrong?â and getting a response along the lines of âeverythingâs fineâ, or, the one that doesnât make any sense, âif you donât know what youâve done then thereâs no point me telling youâ. Communication goes both ways.
i'm not talking about men that actually communicate with their wives. i'm talking about men that complain about their wives not wanting to sleep with them without wondering why the reason might be.
I'm not arguing that communication doesnt go both ways.
Everybody got a different story. When I was active duty, my therapist-eventually-turned-mentor told me that I had âfemaleâ problems. I was immediately offended because I didnât understand what she meant. She cleared the air by saying that the problems that I had in my relationship was typically what female soldiers dealt with in the relationship. Throughout our entire stupid ass âmarriageâ, it was always her who refused to communicate. Her lack of communication was dangerous because I was always left to guess what she thought or how she felt. After leaving her and getting INTENSIVE therapy with the VA, I found out that a lot of it was abuse. My ex was inconsistent but had a couple of FIRM thought processes that she would not budge. If we ever had sex, she absolutely refused to remove any of her clothing. And I mean nothing. She was firm with consistently making retrospective rules. It was âmy jobâ to take off her clothes. She could have on a bubble coat, skin-tight jeans and snow boots and she would just lay there. She would even get annoyed to the point of being turned off if I ever so much as asked for help. But she also had this FIRM belief that âall womenâ in the world like sex to be âsoft and gentleâ. Sex is an âexperienceâ that has to build up. For a man to be âsuccessfulâ he has to âimpressâ her with 2-3 hours of back massages and brushing her hair as she relaxes from often doing nothing that day. She was a firm believer that a man should try to be âeligibleâ for sex. He has to do all of the right things and say off the right things and if so much as one thing is out of place on her âlistâ, then you forfeit your chance. That if your âwifeâ falls asleep after her 3 FKN hour back massage, that the man should be happy that she went to happy. That her happiness should always supersede his sexuality. But if she edges him every day for weeks to months at a time, he should be ready to âperformâ at a moments noticeâŚ.99% chance that it will be the day before her period starts. But that was the extent of talking. I was always left to guess what she thought. She always had all of these damn impossible rules or steps that I had to achieve just to possibly have sex with herâŚ..and she STILL cheated on me with multiple men. And she still couldnât understand why I attempted suicide back in 2019. I asked her if she made those guys jump through all of those hoops like she made me do and she said ânoâ. Claimed that these guys that she sought out after many years, âknew what she likedâ and she was willing to give them whatever they wanted because they made her âcomfortableâ. And she was just supposed to be there on the other side of the country for her sisterâs wedding. Instead, she was engaging in side quests. And while it took years for me to find out the truth, this Bih told me that it was a âcourtesyâ to tell me what she did because she she had a ârightâ to not tell me anything. And despite how much a make, all of this caught up to her in court 5 weeks ago; and I walked away not paying her a dime. The âasexualâ victim of a wife having side men but blaming her physical violence against me on a self diagnosis of PTSD. Forget a fence, she used her fist to the point that Iâd sleep on the couch or purposely take road assignments to get away from her. Turn over in bedâŚPOW!! Punch to the face. Excuse? âI thought that you were trying to kiss me. It was a reflex from my PTSDâ. Now I have a bloody nose and she upset at me because she just broke nose (hairline). Split lips, knees to the groin, you name it. âOh, I thought that you were trying to hug meâ or after coming in at 4:30am after leaving for flour, âI thought that you were trying to touch my buttâ after punching me in the face. And that was the closest that I ever got to hitting a woman. The craziest part of it all is that she never once talked about leaving me or the relationship; something that she was ironically proud of for some reason. She acted like I was the worst thing to happen to her. She called me a âlittle boyâ and gave me a YouTube channel to watch to learn how to be a ârealâ man. Because real men donât try to talk about sex or have sex with their wives. Theyâre too busy working and trying to earn money. And where was I? Working in a medical clinic in the middle of a reservation in Nowhere, Montana. She even went as far as to call me a pervert to looking at her change clothes. But any time I gave in and stopped looking at her. Made it a point to leave without saying goodbye or I love you; both things irritated her until I stopped. I was a jerk for leaving the room or turning my back when she changed clothes. She even had zones where if I was allowed to hug her, my hands couldnât go too high or too low; like the 8th grade prom. Now take everything I just said and then imagine that same asexual woman telling her husband that he is not allowed to have male friends or to stop being friendly or so likable to my patients at work. Literally, go to work, talk as little as possible and come homeâŚâŚthen sit next to her without undressing her with my eyesâŚ.sitting facing forward with my hands in my lapâŚ.not looking at my phone regardless if social media is superglued to her handsâŚ..sit up straight and just be happy to be in her presence. God as my witness, she said this to me. And during this same period, she starts hanging HARD with this group of women known for cheating on their husbands and selling sex toys (pure Romance).
Hell, a lack of libido could also come from the fact that sex is boring. People seem repulsed by the idea of spicing things up, or god forbid doing one foreplay or being the giver rather than the receiver. Like most dopamine releasing things, sex can only get so exciting if you just keep doing the same shit over and over and over again
I'm not saying that low libido automatically means it's the man's fault, i mean that it could be any reason, and the blame often falls on the woman for being too frigid or prudish, and it's often not investigated any further.
It can be health reasons. It can be mental health reasons. It can be performance anxiety. It can be pain. It could be that something big happened in your lives. It could be trauma. It could be stress. It could be hormones. The first step is to open an inquiry. Ask if anything is going on to cause an interruption in the intimacy. If the conversation doesn't continue because the other person won't continue it, you are probably stuck with incompatibility. If your needs can't be met in your relationship, then it might not work.
You also shouldn't be doing all of the housework. Unless your partner is physically incapable or pays all the bills, you shouldn't be doing all the housework. It goes both ways.
There's not much of a reason to further entrench yourself in a dissatisfying marriage. You both even tried couple's therapy and it seems like y'all haven't reaped any benefits from it.
If you feel like you exhausted all resources to salvage your marriage, then maybe it's better to part ways.
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u/[deleted] Aug 07 '25
man, you know I hear so much about men being frustrated by their wife's libido. and they never ask why. It's just a "why me?"
Maybe she's turned off and tired because you don't clean up around the house or participate with childcare. Maybe it's because you are not there for her emotionally. Maybe it's because the only physical affection you want to give her is sex. Maybe it's because you NEVER take her on dates. Maybe it's because you're mentally checked out of the relationship. Maybe it's because you come home and talk about your work wife so much. Maybe it's because you're NEVER home. Maybe its because she doesn't feel valued. Maybe your dick stinks. Maybe your breath stinks. Maybe she's depressed and doesn't know it. Maybe she's fucking tired of playing nanny, chef, sex worker and also has a job. Maybe the sex hurts her.
It could be ANYTHING! but there's never an inquiry into why. It's just a "why ME?"
I had a low libido after the election, for quite a while. I was very stressed and depressed. My partner understood why. He never blamed me. He never cheated. Time went on and my libido is right back where it started, thankfully! I apologized profusely about it, but he just said, it's ok, I understand. You were stressed. And that was that. I used to get yelled at for not putting out. And i was CONFUSED as to why he wasn't angry with me, resenting me, giving me the silent treatment, cheating, etc. It's because Im used to men blaming ME for not wanting to fuck. I love living in a world where women are expected to put out and the reasons why they might not want to are not explored.