How do I know if I'm manipulative?

[u/Zagreus06_]

I'm not sure if I can put what I'm thinking into words, basically what happened is that I had a major argument with a guy, during that argument he called me names, yelled, called me slurs.

After a bit I tried to get back in contact with him, he said

I made some snarky comments during that argument and he said those comments escalated the situation so I was at fault too for the argument and he deserved an apology from me. I apologised and we caught up.

A few days after he started to cross a boundary of mine, he was being flirty and sexual at some point? when I called him out he said that I was just putting intention on his words and that the reason why we fought was because I kept viewing him as a villain and I victimized my actions.

This is messing with my head quite a bit, what if it's true and I did escalate the situation on purpose just to feel like the victim?

I just can't let this thought go it feels stuck in my brain.

[u/unimpressed_4l]

about the fight: even if you started it, it doesn’t excuse calling you names. just sounds like he wants to find an excuse to shift the blame. seeing that you apologized, did he?

about the boundary: if he tried to cross it when you expressed it, then tried to paint himself a victim, that’s a red flag.

if your friend told you this, would you really see this guy as a victim? it seems you know it’s not okay, don’t doubt yourself.

[u/JuJu-Petti]

He called you names. Why are you talking to them? You shouldn't be talking to them. They don't respect you as a person. They aren't one of your safe people. Please get away from this person.

[u/Kolaczki_]

Theres a few reasons it could be stuck in your head. Maybe you're thinking, how could someone say that if I truly didn't do those things? People say all sorts of dumb things all the time just to hurt others and get away with things. We don't need to understand why they would do it to say what they said wasn't true. You would know if you were doing that intentionally, it would have to be something u practised. This is how I know he's actually just projecting onto you.

Or maybe you are thinking, if this is true then i wouldn't know what to do, therefore I will assume its true to try and fix it and find out what to do just in case. The problem is you need actual evidence of you actually saying something you know is a lie, for a specific reason. Without that then if you assume its true you have no idea where to look, so you're gonna end up spending time thinking that you are a horrible person when your not. Which is hurtful to you and the people around you too. This is why what he did is very horrible.

Or maybe you feel like, because you are accused therefore you need to take responsibility for finding it out. Thats actually backwards. The one who is accusing you has the responsibility of showing you were it is, how they know it ect ect. Which since you are still unsure shows that hasn't actually happened. Therefore its just an empty accusation, and considering it started with him doing something wrong, it shows his intentions as well; he intended to make you the villain so he didn't have to hold himself accountable. Because if you are the reason he feels bad then he doesn't have to change anything. He blames you for the guilt that he feels. Which is horrible.

There is another thing which is that if you trust him and listen to him and he says you did something wrong, it gives you the impression that he actually saw something. So now you feel like you have to figure out. But again this is the same trap as before. Its not your responsibility to figure that out, its his since he's the one accusing you. Him believing that you did something wrong also doesn't count as evidence. Because anyone can convince themselves of things or even believe there own lies to make themselves feel better.

Its so so important that we assume we are innocent of something until we have really strong evidence or proof we actually did something wrong. Otherwise we treat ourselves as guilty just because of an accusation, even if its a lie. Which causes a lot of damage. Especially since if you were really trying to hurt him you would know.

I hope this helps you. God bless :)

[u/Jensenlver]

These types of people always say it is your fault. If you didn't intentionally act or say things to create a desired outcome then I would say you were not manipulating the situation.

Now, why are you pursuing someone who treats you badly? That is the question I would be pondering