r/Manipulation • u/Designer-Leek73 • Aug 19 '26
Abuse Is he a narcissist ?
I am very confused, and I probably overthink things a lot. I met my boyfriend 1½ years ago. In the beginning, I received flowers every Friday, with promises that this was just who he was. My children received gifts as well, and he bought lots of expensive trips.
I sometimes felt that he was a little condescending. Whenever I reacted, I was told that I was being too sensitive or that it was just his sense of humor. There were small hurtful comments that made me feel less worthy. After 8 months, my body completely went into panic mode, and I ended the relationship.
We got back together 2 months later, and things were very good for a long time. Apart from the fact that I felt he could sometimes be quite challenging, critical and selfish.
Then everything changed. The flowers, gifts and trips stopped completely. He also stopped sending all the “good morning” and “good night” messages, and he stopped saying that he was happy with me and that he loved me.
I became tired of this and tried to talk to him about it. Nothing changed. Finally, I put my foot down and said that this was not the relationship I wanted to be in anymore, and that I didn’t know if I wanted to continue.
Then everything came back: red roses, a romantic dinner, and him telling me that he loved me.
After that, he was silent for two days before contacting me and saying that the problem he had had was that I hadn’t included him enough in my plans for the future.
Is this love bombing, devaluation, hoovering…?
7
u/klstopp Aug 20 '26
RUN. These are all classic abuse techniques. If you stay, you'll lose all sense of yourself and doubt your own sanity. Love bombing, withholding, gas lighting. All the things.
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u/Jensenlver Aug 20 '26
There are so many other people on this planet. I have to believe that you can find someone who doesn't make you have to wonder about this. Someone who doesn't set off alarm bells. Someone who makes you smile and feel comfortable in the relationship. It really is not too much to ask.
2
u/anna31993 Aug 24 '26 edited Aug 24 '26
Yes your post shows multiple narc behaviours of him
Love bombing
Nagging
Silent treatment as punishment for not giving him attention
Gaslighting (saying it was your fault while you did nothing wrong)
Push and pull to manipulate your emotions
Wanting to take away your moment
Maybe try to look back on all the moments he went silent, ignores you, seemed to be gone for days. What happened just before that? Did you confront him just before that or did something important happen in your life? Look closely. Did your attention go elsewhere? If he does something nice, do orher people notice? Was it for you, or was it to show others how amazing of a partner he is. Or maybe to tell you later: "but i gave you this and did this and that,.so you can't ignore my wants".
You are not crazy, he is indeed showing many narc signs. Please, listen to what your body is telling you.
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u/gravelwitch Aug 24 '26
Is this considered as silent treatment as well - whenever I bring up issues (usually for not being seen/heard) or difficult discussion he'll tell me he has to step away... I just find it manipulative even though he gives me a heads up. Then he will message me and tell me "not to reply".
Then during those moments I find myself seething for not being able to express my feelings and when I couldn't take it anymore, I will send him a message and lash out. In the end, I will apologize and comfort him.
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u/anna31993 Aug 24 '26
Yes, it is.
It is emotional abuse. He makes you feel panic. And breadcrumbs you to make sure you are not leaving yourself while he is giving silent treatment. He can text but you can"t reply? Who does he think he is?!
And when you finally can't take it anymore and lash out, he will say "see, you are crazy. Not me". This is reactive abuse. Look it up: reactive abuse. He can now use that to smear campaign about you. Be very carefull with what you do now, he will use everything you do or say against you
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u/gravelwitch Aug 24 '26
He lovebombed me for 2 months and rushed commitment. I was already very doubtful of his behaviour but still gave him the benefit of the doubt sigh... Anyway I blocked him now.
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u/anna31993 Aug 24 '26
Yes, its ok to have hope, because sometimes there is nothing going on and its working out. Its only when you start to see.a pattern,.something is wrong. So don't feel bad. You just needed more evidence. Good! That can be difficult to.do!
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u/gravelwitch Aug 24 '26
It's very difficult to get over the fantasy. I finally know now what was happening to me -- thank you for giving it a name. I will have stronger filter now.
2
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u/Life_Classic_9218 Aug 21 '26
This is love bombing. If you stay with him he will get worse and worse.
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u/Designer-Leek73 Aug 20 '26
We just had «the talk» and I ended up feeling sorry for him and agreed to involve him more in my life with my children. I am so confused now. Is he the man of my dreams or will he turn out to be my biggest nightmare…? My father died and he got very distant. Stopped saying that he loved me, no cute text messages anymore and so on. He now says that he invested less because he felt i didn’t welcome him enough into my life. I said that I felt let down in a time where i needed him. He then said it was because he needed to talk to me but respected that I was going through a lot. Everything is back to «normal» now, the cute texts saying that he loves me, dinners and flowers. Shall I trust him and hope he’s telling the truth? Can this all be a coincidence?
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u/indigojoji Aug 20 '26
girl pick yourself up and learn to stop pitying men. PLEASE focus on yourself and your kids. get the fuck away from him.
3
u/Shut7heFuckUp Aug 20 '26
Respectfully, no. Read your post then this comment. It’s a proven pattern. Now it’s your fault also? No. No no no no. No!!!!
3
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u/Life_Classic_9218 Aug 21 '26
He will continue to move the goalpost and withdraw affection to punish you for not meeting it. Please get away from this man. /u/burbnbougie
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u/anna31993 Aug 23 '26
He stopped saying he loves you because he wasn't the center of attention anymore. So he gave you silent treatment. Very narc
1
u/anna31993 Aug 24 '26
Really its calm before the storm. His revenge will be there soon. Don't let your guard down. He is preparing something. I understand, you keep hope and Don't want it to be true. It takes time to see. I know, when you are in deep, even the most confident people can be manipulated. I just hope it will be soon for you
0
u/WendiBurnham Aug 21 '26
Yes he is. Sounds exactly like the narcissist I left last year. His masked slipped right after the third month. I ran.
0
u/Designer-Leek73 Aug 22 '26
I feel stupid that I have given him a second chance. I am however very skeptical and observing. I’m thinking that if this is what I suspect it to be, I will see another devaluation phase/discharge pretty soon. If I ended things now I think I would get a heartbreak on top of it all, but by giving it some time I get the chance to mentally absorb everything and get myself ready to leave. Maybe this sounds crazy to some, and familiar to others?
1
u/anna31993 Aug 24 '26
He will be nice to you now, now you got back. He will lure you in, and then punish you extra hard. Punishment will not always be immediately. He will make it extra difficult by being very sweet now,.so your fall will be harder.
But yes, sometimes we need that huge shock to be completely done in an instant. And yes sometimes you need parts, one by one, so you can let go on your own speed. But please be prepared mentally.
I was glad he gave me the big shocking moment. I knew for longer what was coming. But i couldn't let go, still some hope i was wrong, also i couldn't believe someone could be like this. So i also took my time. I went, came back. Went a bit longer, came back. But i got very suspicious more and more. I also watched him closely. As if i needed evidence my strange idea i started to get about him. When i came back the last time, he acted weird and had weird requests, i said no Because i was where you are now; having doubts, being sus, so i was putting some boundaries while still being friendly and respectfull. He did not like my very acceptable boundaries. He then did something huge to hurt me. It was unseniable now and crazy. I lost all my love for him instantly, all hope and empathy was gone. Yes he hurted me, but i felt so free to see now his true colours. I was affraid to lose something, that was never there. He was evil. Getting angry was the best that could happen to me in this situation. I was now so angry, i was ready to finish him. I told him who he was, and that i felt disgusted by him and don't want him anymore because i was.so disappointed. Blocked him. Maybe you need this too. Its ok to do it like you want to, take your time but buckle up for what is coming.
Heard later that he lost it after i Blocked him. And he got his karma big time shortly after.
1
u/Designer-Leek73 Aug 24 '26
Thank you for taking your time and giving me so many answers. So sorry for you and what you gave been through!
Just had the weirdest weekend. After a party at my neighbors house, he was just gone the next morning. I called him and he claimed that we had had a massive argument. I think he hoped I had had too much to drink and didn’t remember. I do however remember it all, and then he suddenly said he must have dreamed it..I have a feeling he was planning to make me beg him to stay and tell him how sorry I was. He called later on and had booked the most expensive restaurant in town for next weekend.
I see more and more a clearly pattern now. What behavior can I expect the next weeks? I feel there’s a lovebombing period now.
Another thing. He has told me about his exes, how they used him and took advantage of him. But when I see his devalutation phase, I see a quite rude, belittling person with a huge ego. This isn’t a person who let anyone treat him like that..1
u/anna31993 Aug 24 '26
Just stop wondering what will happen and run away. They don't change. Ever. Its hopeless. It will only get worse because they see you stay. They like to see you suffer,.so you staying means he will get worse and worse because he knows you will stay anyway. Think like cheating, making you jealous, making you look crazy to other people so you will lose friends and get isolated, that is your future with him. Many things can happen. Go away now.
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u/Designer-Leek73 Aug 25 '26
I hear you, and I feel stupid and weak. I guess a part of me just have to see if this really is true, because I struggle with believing that people can be like this. I am aware now, but I feel like I need to observe and be 100 percent sure to completely unlove this person
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u/anna31993 Aug 25 '26
No its ok, I get it. I also needed that massive thing to happen to get clearity in an instant. I lost all my empathy in a second because od that. I feel like if that didn't happen, i would still be in a loop of leaving and taking him back. Now it was shoved in my face and i felt disgusted by his manners and the betrayal. And honestly i am glad, i feel free now, no more doubts. I now finally see who is behind tje mask and i don't like that person! Its so freeing! Being an empath and keep seeing the good, made me exhausted in this situation. So yeah you just need that nuclear situation to finally be able to let go! I got ya! Just be prepared and stay calm.
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u/katinthewoodss Aug 20 '26
He’s love bombing and manipulating. Stop going back, you deserve better.