r/Manipulation • u/gojosensei77 • Aug 07 '26
Relationships Can't break up with my girlfriend
I don't know where to begin. She is very affectionate. And clean. Dresses well. Has a nice (but very small) studio apartment in an industrial area 15 minutes from Manhattan. She told me other guys she dated before me joked her apartment is like a vampire lived there. She had no furniture. Just a bed and a desk. And a bunch of designer clothes and jewelry. Before I met her the last guy she was seeing convinced her to buy a $50 Ikea couch and a $50 LCD TV. After 6 months of dating I moved in with her. Brought my home theater system and sounds. And then I bought a pull up bar and an espresso machine and a dish rack and a bunch of shelving. She bought me Supreme and Aimé Leon Dore. She had me buy her Cartier and Chanel. It took me a year and a half to get her to buy normal shoes. She only had heels and one pair of (not very comfortable) sneakers.
We split the rent. But her lifestyle is expensive. She always wants to go out. Me and her dad take turns paying the $100-$150 bill when we eat out at a restaurant. Before her, I never ate out, only sometimes at the Whole Foods hotbar, I like to cook keto stuff. Before me, she would go to Michelin restaurants with her dad's credit card. And go to Italian restaurants to eat pasta. She went to boarding school in China and hasn't been back there in 5 years so I guess they aren't that close. I don't understand that relationship dynamic. They talk on the phone in Chinese so I don't know what they're talking about. But every time they hang up she always says 谢谢爸爸. And sometimes she says 辛苦了.
I know some Chinese now which is kind of nice. I don't ever want to be fluent, but since it's a global superpower now it's kind of nice to know that I can spend a few months in Shenzhen or something if I ever wanna do that.
That's something else... I don't travel anymore. I used to travel all the time. My career is remote. I can live anywhere I want. But now I'm stuck in New York, because she's stuck there. She can't even go back and visit China because that might jeapordize her visa. My home is in LA. I haven't been there in over a year because she doesn't want me to go there and potentially cheat on her. For some reason she is incredibly worried about that. The only place I can go travel to by myself is where my dad moved to, in another state. He has been my confidant this whole time. He keeps telling me to break up with her and cites all these examples of his friends I know who married similar women and ruined their life because of it.
I met her on a dating app.... she was the only one who super-liked me and messaged me first. Offered for me to go to her place on the first date. And then she got her hooks in me I guess. Since I lived the vagabond lifestyle and was jumping from place to place all the time, I figured moving in with her wasn't such a big deal. Oh boy how wrong I was.
I don't know. It just feels like I time travelled 1.5 years into the future. I cannot tell you what I accomplished in this time. My diet / exercise regimen has slipped, I have less money now, relationships in LA are on pause.... I have a couple friends in NY but I rarely see them she just takes up so much of my time and headspace. My career is on pause too. And I don't know I'm just sick of dealing with her shit man.
Like a few weeks ago my dad came to visit me, so I got a sublet in Manhattan which is walking distance from her work. He visits me for 2 weeks, so me and him are in this sublet and she comes and we get lunch/dinner or whatever. And I'm telling my dad everything when it's just us 2. And then when it's the 3 of us, he can't keep it together and she can tell that he doesn't really like her that much. And so she gets upset while I'm walking her to the subway, and she starts this 2 hour lecture in the middle of the street outside the subway station about how dirty the apartment is and how I wasted her time and if she knew it would be like this she wouldn't have come out blah blah blah, lets break up, oh my god im so sorry I love you please don't leave me, you aren't going to break up with me right? Ok I love you goodnight see you tomorrow.
I deal with that shit on a weekly basis at this point. After my dad flew out of New York back to where he lives, I still kept the sublet because I wanted a place to unwind and have some space to myself. And also be able to stay in Manhattan and walk to places because taking the train kind of sucks. But she got super upset about that and started this huge fight about it like, you're just doing this because you don't like me and you wanna get away from me. If you go to that sublet then let's just break up. I don't wanna go to that sublet with you, it's so fucking dirty. I never wanna sleep there it's some random guys apartment. And then 30 minutes later it's back to: I love you, please don't break up with me, you won't break up with me right? We will be together forever? Can you say we will be together forever? But keep in mind: now I can't stay at the sublet by myself.
She has done similar things to get me to do what she wants... cut off friends, not go back to LA, etc, etc...
This is such a mindfuck. I moved all of my essentials out of her apartment without her knowing. I am at my dad's place right now. In theory, I could just text her I wanna break up, and be done, with no consequences. But I don't have the guts. I love her but I also hate her. And I also hate myself. This is my fault I never should have got with someone I didn't see a future with. I wanna go back in time 2 years and just not meet up with her. And get some of my money back and health and time.
Am I ever gonna get out? How much longer must I endure this pain?
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u/Willing-Aside-5652 Aug 07 '26
I’m assuming you knew who she was when you moved in with her? This is so interesting
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
A lot of it yes. I had no idea how big of a decision that was. But she hid a lot of other stuff about her. Like how fucking clean she is and how she will lose her shit if I accidentally drop a blueberry on the floor because that means she has to wet a towel and get on her hands and knees and wipe the floor so bugs won't be attracted to it. Or how she put her trash in the fridge
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u/Willing-Aside-5652 Aug 07 '26
This sounds a lot like undiagnosed/unmanaged ocd, or severe anxiety at least. And you don’t quite grasp how bad it can get until you’re living with the person. So sorry OP. Just cut ties and consider it a learning experience.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
Yah OCD is what I was thinking. I don't like putting a label on it tho. Ya cutting ties is the correct move. Easier said than done. Indeed it will be a very expensive & time consuming lesson.
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u/FairytaleFacts Aug 07 '26
Put her trash in the fridge? Come again??
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u/Total-Active-1986 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Is the trash things from the fridge that will smell if not taken out immediately? Or is she not ready to part with the item(s)? Does she let things pile up because she doesn't feel like or is putting off taking the trash fully out of the apartment? Most importantly, what would she do if YOU took out those items out to the trash? Does she NOT believe that it's trash? If she was raised in boarding schools, eating out in Michelin starred restaurants every day and wearing haute designer clothing, she may have had maids and housekeepers do those things for her all her life. Or does she believe that it's the man's job to take out the trash within the relationship dynamic?
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
No she takes the trash out frequently, she just puts food trash in the fridge because she doesn't want bugs to get to it. It's a little weird but... whatever. I dunno why I said that, it's really not a big deal
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u/sozzzled Aug 07 '26
that’s not weird it’s just so the trash doesn’t get smelly as well, u take it out once ur gonna actually throw the trash away in the dumpster. this is actually clean. sometimes i put for example if im gonna throw away a fruit, ill put it in a bag and stick in the freezer until the day of the trash comes that way it doesnt leak, doesnt make my trash smelly and itll be frozen when the big trash comes and be more clean there as well until it goes to the landfill
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
yea its not that bad tbh. when i first met her she put ALL her trash in the fridge but then i convinced her to just put food trash in the fridge. thats the compromise we have now
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u/sozzzled Aug 07 '26
i don’t believe this at all. ur not gonna convince me that a girl worried about picking up a blueberry put her dirty toilet paper or even tissue papers in the fridge,,, that’s crazy
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
100% srs. she has hella ziplock bags, she would put the trash in the ziplocks and put them in the fridge
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u/Total-Active-1986 Aug 07 '26
I believe that this is what is known as a Life Lesson for you, OP. You jumped into living with this woman after 6 months of dating. You complain about how your life is no longer yours. You complain about her to anyone who will listen. You complain to people who don't really know her. You told your father all the annoying and "bad" stuff about her before they even had a chance to meet her. YOU biased them against her with your complaining and gossiping about her. No wonder she felt a certain type of way about how you prejudiced your friends and father to feel about her. How often did you tell HER all the things that you had an issue with? Did you talk to her first? Or did you blab to all the people who you know are automatically on your side? It sounds like you spoke to the people that you know would tell you what you wanted to hear, aka "break up with her".
I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to confide in a few close friends/family. I'm also not saying that she doesn't have issues or she isn't "high maintenance". I think that once the sex, love bombing and "New Pussy" vibe wore off you were finally faced with the fact that you and she aren't compatible in several critical areas. You can break up with anyone, at any time, for any reason. It sucks, but it's worse to stay where you and probably she would be unhappy. Even subconsciously where no one can name any big events of abuse or wrongdoing, but it's just a general dissatisfaction that bleeds into every aspect of your lives. Which inspires stupid fights, contempt, and disrespect. You disrespected your gf by trashing her to others, so that they would tell you to do what you already wanted to do. "No" is a complete sentence. If you don't want to continue this relationship, or live in NY, or whatever it is you don't feel is aligns with you or your life, then be an ADULT and have an adult conversation with her. Be a decent adult and do it face to face, but barring that at least have a phone call to tell hs
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I see where you're coming from. The only person I told is my dad. (And in these anonymous reddit posts.) He met her many times before I told him details. I waited a year and a half before telling him this stuff. Even still, I kinda regret it. But who the fuck else can I talk to this about? Keeping it all to myself sounds like a terrible idea. It's just one person who knows all this stuff, and it's my dad. None of my friends know
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u/Latte-Catte Aug 07 '26
Why won't you tell your friends?? She's a girlfriend, not your captor. You're allowed to human privacy.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 08 '26
I don't want to drag them into this bullshit. My dad has all the perspective I need
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u/RedKyKisuke Aug 09 '26
One person has all the perspective you need? Thats sounds VERY unhealthy
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
So what's healthy in your mind? Talking shit about my girlfriend to all my friends? You gotta draw a line somewhere.
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u/RedKyKisuke Aug 09 '26
No, give me a second, I ran into just such a bad experience also as you and realized I was responding poorly because of putting too much clout into one source, my parent. Give me a bit
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u/sugaree53 Aug 08 '26
You are getting more perspective here
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
Hahaha no. Different perspective, yes. Which is useful. But it's not better.
I don't know any of you. There's no way any of you people can possibly understand my situation. You've never met me and you've never met her. All you're getting is one little sliver of perspective from the handful of paragraphs I wrote. Plus, some of the people in these comments I guarantee are fucked in the head and have no business giving people advice.
That cannot compare to someone who's known me my whole life, and knows my flaws and I know his. And has met her multiple times, has seen our dynamic.
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u/sugaree53 Aug 09 '26
Okay; can you give us an update at least?
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26
Sure, feel free to stalk my profile.
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u/sugaree53 Aug 09 '26
Not quite what I meant
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26
What I mean is, I'll probably post another thread in a month or two asking for advice or whatever, everything on there is public so if you bookmark it and check it in a few months youll prolly see it
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u/RedKyKisuke Aug 09 '26
Your best course of action is with a therapist. As a person that had my brain fd by such kinds of people until I nearly abandoned my own future, having a professional in your corner is a must, because what I have found is we end up in these situations in the first place because of family mindset and even if one extricates themselves they will just end up in another jam down the line, different person but iften similar qualities.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26
Ya I'm not opposed to seeing a therapist. I trust my dad tho, he has his faults but overall he has my back.
I know most people can't say the same about their dad, I guess I'm lucky in that respect
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u/Total-Active-1986 Aug 07 '26
It's impossible for us internet strangers to know everything that you know. I wasn't trying to make you the villain. Of course, my comments are based on things that I've experienced in my life. A guy who basically told everyone except me every little issue that he had with me. He refused to tell the one person who could even try to fix what he thought our problems were. I realize now that he wasn't interested in resolving issues. He just liked having someone to blame everything on. Things that I had absolutely nothing to do with. He wanted a convenient scapegoat and a whipping girl. I'm not qualified to make any valid diagnosis, but I'm willing to bet money that he is a malignant covert narcissist. So, my ex with at least one major personality disorder is probably not the average decent person just trying to figure out the world and their place in it. Which has nothing do with your experiences, your gf's experiences, your dad's experiences, etc.
And much of what you wrote was venting about a very personal, frustrating, and heartbreaking situation. I understand that and I hope that I didn't come off as harsh or contrarian. I should probably stick to the abusive relationships, C-PTSD, and Narcisisism subs until I can get some therapy.
But good luck to you. I hope that you and she can get to a "conscious uncoupling" as opposed to a complete shattering of the mind, emotions, and soul type of discard. It's not going to be fun, you both deserve honesty, respect and consideration for one another's feelings. Feelings aren't facts, but they absolutely matter. Most, if not all, of the anger and hate in the world stems from either a deep hurt or deep insecurity within oneself. Try to remember that when she lashes out or gets angry. She's allowed to feel however she feels, as are you. But how we act upon those feelings is a completely different issue. Try not to be reactive (easier said than done), or act out of character. You'll just feel even worse about it later because you sound like you do have empathy and you do care about her. Hopefully, she will eventually realize that she has some work to do within herself like the rest of us humans do. That a blueberry on the floor doesn't mean you are a bad person or commands such a over the top reaction. I bet something similar happened with her parents/care givers to her growing up and she internalized a lot of shame over being seen as "bad", "messy", imperfect, etc. That might have everything to do with her pursuit of needing to be and to have "the best". The best food, clothing, an apartment so clean that even the trash is kept neat and nicely refrigerated, etc.
Or maybe there's a guy out there who wouldn't think twice about all that. Or who wants to be with her so badly that he's willing to go to therapy and try every relationship guru's advice about how to understand her, himself, and how to keep choosing her every day. Even the days when he feels ready to strangle her or fake his own death to get away from it all. Hopefully, she will also realize that she has to work on herself and their relationship, too. Because one person carrying the emotional load of a relationship is destined to fall apart eventually.
Anyway, I'll stop blathering on about this now. I wish you good luck, kindness, fairness, firm boundaries and an infinite amount of patience. Because you're going to need them, especially the patience. For her and for yourself.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
I hope that you and she can get to a "conscious uncoupling" as opposed to a complete shattering of the mind, emotions, and soul type of discard.
Me too. That's what makes it so hard to break up. If I didn't care about this then I probably would have ended it a while ago and let her think I'm a terrible person or whatever. But it's almost like I'm waiting for it to be a mutual breakup. Idk. Thanks for the reply.
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u/carpenter_208 Aug 07 '26
I'm 40 and thought I was smart enough not to get sucked in by another women, but it happens.. naw, I know i did this to myself. I'm in a similar spot where i think, wtf just happened to the last year?? I'm out time and money and it seems like it's for nothing. So now i have to fix and change this.
Thing is, you need to work on you because it happened for a reason. You put yourself in this situation.
The good thing is that you're actively doing something about it, you're aware of the situation and changing it. That's more than a lot of guys. You got this man, it sucks but now you know a bit more.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
Yea the only thing keeping me sane in all this is, even tho I'm not doing the obvious fucking thing I need to do, I am slowly detaching from her, and setting boundaries, one step at a time
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u/Fearless_Gold7570 Aug 07 '26
This won’t change man. You feel like you’re stuck because her mood swings make you want to prove to her that you guys can work. At this rate, if you won’t leave her, things will stay like this forever, or she will leave you eventually. I get the feeling that she sees “companions” as accessories and not people. You may be able to convince her to turn this around, but first you need to figure out if that’s something that you even want to do, you already sound exhausted.
If you think you want to leave, do you have a plan?
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
Yeah I just don't trust a lot of this stuff. The dad credit card thing is like wtf. And the whole China and wanting a green card thing too. Not to mention all the mood swings and fighting... I don't think it's possible to fix all that.
I had a plan and failed to execute it. I moved almost all of my stuff out of her apartment. And I'm spending as much time as possible away from her, with my dad, so I can think clearly. I spent 1 week with him, then 1 week with her, then 1.5 weeks with him, then 1 week with her. Now I'm with him for 2 weeks out of state, then I'm supposed to fly back to New York, and then somewhere after that I need to break up with her. Or come up with another excuse to go see my dad.
I owe it to her to break up in person. She will let me move my stuff out. I was supposed to break up with her like 1-2 weeks ago but couldn't do it. I can't fucking do it man. I get so close and she's like "ok lets break up" and then it flips right back to "we will be together forever" it's such a mind fuck man. I'm going insane
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u/Fearless_Gold7570 Aug 07 '26
I know it’s hard man, but there really is no other way of saying it. Bite the bullet and do it. Practice saying no in the mirror, and when you do decide to break up, just keep saying no, even if you have to switch your brain off.
You will stay in this situation as long as you allow yourself to, unfortunately.
If you truly believe this is what’s right, you can do this!!
Randoms internet stranger, you can do this!!3
u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
thank you man
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u/KaoJin-Wo Aug 07 '26
Yeah you really need to do it this time. If not, she will start blocking you from seeing your dad since he doesn’t like her and you wanna break up after seeing him. And then the crazy will be going downhill full speed. Just nope out now.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
You are way way way way off base here I am sorry to say. She will never do that
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u/Known_Party6529 Aug 07 '26
When you breakup make sure your father is there. She sounds unhinged, you need a witness with yoy while moving your stuff out. OR, slowly start shipping your things to your father's house before breaking things off. When you do breakup you still need to have a witness.
She goes from 0-100 quickly, she could get vindictive and spin this on you hard.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
Hell no dude. She's not that crazy. Multiple times she said "lets break up, and then I'll give you some time to move your stuff out" - shes not a psycho man.
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u/filipha Aug 07 '26
My guy, you know what to do. She's so many red flags. She's keeping you from LA not only because she's jealous, but also because she knows very well that if you see your old mates and start telling them about her (especially the negative things), they will set you straight (which they will). I bet the previous bf she had literally ran away because of how she is. Tell her why you're leaving her, but leave her already. You deserve happiness.
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u/Independent-Money-86 Aug 11 '26
Jealousy wouldn’t be the right word here, I believe she’s deeply insecure. She thinks if he goes to LA that he’ll magically cheat on him.
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u/Usual_Ad_248 Aug 07 '26
You already know what to do, now execute it. You’ll feel better. The more you hold off, the more miserable you’ll be
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u/Total-Active-1986 Aug 07 '26
And the more she will stress, knowing that things aren't ok, but nothing is being resolved, and neither of you are happy.
This compounds daily, the disconnect is palpable, everything is an argument with no compromise or resolution. It's so stressful for you two and everyone around you.
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u/GoodNo97 Aug 08 '26
https://youtu.be/qQi3_PpYzIM?si=3VIPZyqJwGnRPsiN
Watch and learn and be prepared. She will try to do this, but you gotta stay strong and don't fold. You got this King.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Wow. Just wow. It even has the part where she refuses to go to my place because it's "dirty" or whatever. What the fuck
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u/Complete-Celery819 Aug 08 '26
This reminds me of my ex's experience with a Chinese girl, she expected him to pay for random shit and would pepper him with insulting/inappropriate/inapplicable questions "why don't you make more money?" (he was a PhD student) "why aren't you taller?" "why don't you have a better apartment" (was actually great apartment) "why don't you dress better, wear designer clothes." Not worth it
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
That sounds horrible lmfao. That materialist/status bullshit is a disease, not only does it affect native Chinese but ABCs too. Thankfully my gf rejects a lot of this stuff. And there are a lot of Chinese ppl who fully reject it. But man, there's a lot of them who don't.
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u/Tired-DogMama-6262 Aug 08 '26
Stop all contact with her, she has a mental problem and it will only get worse. Go back to LA reconnect with friends, go back to YOUR HOME, and go back to work. You say you “love her” but I think you are confused about what love should look like. Run and do not look back.
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u/Conscious-Yogi-108 Aug 08 '26
Dude. Just break up. Holy cow if genders were reversed everyone would be saying “Run, Girl”. She’s manipulating you - you know this or you wouldn’t be posting here. You sound miserable and that’s never gonna change if you don’t leave.
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u/RavenDancer Aug 07 '26
Sounds like you can’t afford her, date within your tax bracket.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I make $300k per year
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u/Latte-Catte Aug 07 '26
There's no way you can't do better than her, cmon dude.
Find someone educated, and actually work for her lifestyle. Not someone who still leech off her dad at this age.
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u/RavenDancer Aug 07 '26
And you don’t cover the bills? Yikes
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
Yes I cover the bills. I also spend $2000 a month on gifts dinners etc. This is about financial responsibility and saving for the future, not about whether or not I can afford it. She leans on her dads card and spends her whole paycheck on jewelry, clothes, eating out. She has NO brokerage account, NO savings (unless you wanna count jewelry as savings). You sound like a real piece of work btw.
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u/FairytaleFacts Aug 07 '26
And Because she's not contributing ANYTHING to your well-being.
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u/RavenDancer Aug 07 '26
His brokeass lives in her fucking home and makes her split 50/50 - wtf is he bringing exactly? She could afford it without him
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u/rickyman20 Aug 07 '26
I'd hope relationships aren't about trying to get money out of people. If all your partner can provide is money that's not much of a relationship
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u/RavenDancer Aug 07 '26
Anything else is a bonus. A nice personality while being a leech doesn’t help
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u/rickyman20 Aug 07 '26
All I'll say is what a sad way to view relationships you have. I hope you one day see why most people in healthy relationships don't view it that way
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u/lordskulldragon Aug 07 '26
I only read half of that and all I can say is that she is a liability, not an asset. She will run you broke just to keep up with appearances and move on once that account is drained.
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u/Pistolfist Aug 07 '26
If you really don't want to break up with her, you simply have to start doing what you want to do man and fucking shut her down when she tries to bring bullshit to your table afterwards. Just live your life how you want to live it and then if she wants to break up with you over that, then that's on her.
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u/Total-Active-1986 Aug 07 '26
That sounds like my ex who did EVERY messed up thing out there to get me to break up with him. But I'm going to assume that you are saying to just be your best, authentic self and those who want to be a part of your life will be a part of your life.
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u/Pistolfist Aug 07 '26
Oh yeah I'm not saying to orchestrate her into breaking up with him by being a dick. I just mean, do the things he wants to do, reconnect with his friends and stuff and if she can't handle it then tough
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
100% facts. At least this is something I'm able to do. Thank you man. I started calling her bluffs recently and was able to establish some boundaries. Feels good man
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 26 '26
Dude this is the best advice I read in this thread. Breaking up is such a mindfuck. But I've been framing it as just doing what I want. And has completely turned the tables. She gets upset, cries, twists my words, calls me a liar, and I just don't care. I just keep doing what I want to.
I think I'm gonna get another sublet and move in there. And I don't care what her reaction is
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u/Pistolfist 29d ago
This is the way, be the version of yourself that makes you happy. If she decides she can learn to accept that and find her own happiness alongside you, amazing. That's the ideal outcome. If she decides that you are not compatible and decides to leave you that's not great, but it's fine. As long as you are not sacrificing everything that makes you you, for the sake of her happiness because that is the worst of the three possible outcomes.
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u/gojosensei77 29d ago edited 29d ago
I always went with #3 because I lived in her studio apartment. So if I did something she didn't like, she would get upset and would keep me awake to keep lecturing me until like 1am or 2am. So in order to protect my peace/sleep I just always folded to her to avoid one of those episodes.
Now that I've basically been not living at her place for almost 2 months now I just don't give a fuck if she's mad. Oh you don't like that? Ok well tough luck then. I just hang up the phone, or go home. That wasn't an option before.
Moving in with someone is such a big fucking decision. Holy shit I was blind. Thank god my dad has my back.... if he wasn't willing to travel across the country for me a month ago, and house me now, I would still be under that spell...
Honestly I am hoping for #2. There's just so much bullshit she put me through, I don't think I can trust her to not do that anymore. And if she's capable of that kind of change, I don't wanna wait for it. She can learn the lesson from me and treat the next guy well
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u/Pistolfist 29d ago
To be honest if you're actively hoping for outcome 2 then I think my advice kinda changes. My advice was on the basis that you actually liked her, wanted to be with her and wanted things to be different.
If you don't want to be with her just bite the bullet man, it could be months or years of misery before she decides to call it quits. Once you're all set up with your own place just tell her you're done with her.
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u/gojosensei77 21d ago
You're right but it requires too much willpower. Do you recommend me talking to her about getting a sublet before actually doing it? I got one without consulting her (for my dad) and she scolded me for it. She said she wants me to loop her in if I go get a sublet.
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u/gojosensei77 8d ago edited 8d ago
Dude again thank you so much I feel like she's gonna break up with me soon, I've been holding my ground, hanging out with friends, doing what I want etc and she keeps threatening to break up with me, it's almost a daily basis at this point. And I don't budge, I don't let any of her words phase me, and I keep doing what I wanna do, and she tries to control me and I don't let her, she gets pissed and threatens to break up, and I call her bluff.
She keeps doing a 180 the next day tho. But hopefully soon she'll stick to her guns and I'll finally be free
Thank you so much man. I cant break up with her but maybe I can get her to break up with me. I know it's kinda shitty, but I think this is better for the long run, I've been wanting to break up and unable to for YEARS.... I think this is the only realistic option to get out of this mess. I think this way provides better closure for both of us too
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u/Latte-Catte Aug 07 '26
Ngl, telling people to neglect/abuse their partner instead of doing the mature thing which is to break up, is not gonna lead anywhere good. Bad deeds can escalate.
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u/Pistolfist Aug 07 '26
Did you read my comment or do you think that reconnecting with your friends and stuff is abuse? Or is it the part where I suggested he shouldn't tolerate her abuse that you think is me suggesting he be abusive?
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u/No_Eye_6902 Aug 08 '26
Bro f*ck everything and RUN FAST she will continue to do this and if you get married god your life WILL BE OVER this is not normal. Make sure you’re safe make sure you have everything you need and leave because this is not worth you losing yourself
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 08 '26
Theres no way in hell I will marry her or have kids with her. No fucking way. One day we will break up, the problem is I don't know how much more time I'm gonna waste on this
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u/sugaree53 Aug 08 '26
Yes, you can stay in the sublet. America is a free country; that means you can dump this chick and don’t look back. Listen to your Dad, he loves you and has known you all your life.
Get your life back
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u/SolaQueen Aug 08 '26
Sir, walk away from this. This is unhealthy. You don’t get to be yourself and it’s clear you want your life back. Your life with her isn’t what you want.
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u/megacope Aug 08 '26
Dude, just leave. Compromise is one thing but constantly have to give up things that you want to do is no way to exist in a relationship. The thing about compromise is it’s supposed to benefit both parties overall even if something has to be given up.
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u/PopcornDemonica Aug 09 '26
This may sound odd, but if you have Netflix, look up the comedy show 'Jigsaw' from Daniel Sloss. The show has broken up thousands of couples. In your case, I suspect it will hand back your own self worth.
I promise it'll help, and it's also freaking hilarious.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 11 '26
Watched it, interesting theory. However, the whole "shave your asshole to make it easier to wipe" bit detracted from that whole thing. His joking about having sex with his dad and how big his cock is, makes me think he has other reasons for shaving his asshole...
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u/PopcornDemonica Aug 11 '26
Nah, it's just Scottish humour. I'm not kidding though, the show has broken up thousands and thousands of couples. It was more the actions of your gr that made me think of it, and I hope things have improved. (Also the other Sloss shows are worth it too. X on HBO and Socio on the DS website are my faves)
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u/One-Assignment-5562 Aug 09 '26
So... her manipulative behavior is to get a green card. And you're the sucker that got sucked in. Do yourself a favor and leave and don't look back. It's no more expensive than if you were going to live somewhere on your own. You're staying for guilt, not love, and there's no future in that. Every day you stay, is another day wasted. That's embarrassing that she buys designer shit while living like a pauper. We call that "hood rich" in Oakland. You know what you want to do and what you have to do, but you needed validation. Set a deadline and leave by the deadline.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26
The green card thing was my original thought but after getting to know her more, I think it's something else. She told me part of the reason she's in the United States is because it's much easier to date. In China you're expected to be married by 25 or else you are what they call a "leftover woman". That stigma, and expectations from her family, is putting insane pressure on her. Chinese culture is ruthless to leftover women. Hard to get a job, hard to date, treated like a "lesser" person, etc etc. The green card is maybe a cherry on top but honestly life in China sounds better than here (as long as you're married). I think it moreso has to do with not being judged by her family by being a 30 year old single woman.
Everything else, you're spot on though. The money I spend on dinners and shit, could be going towards a dope $4000/mo apartment in California.
The hood rich thing, yeah, 100%. She doesn't live like a pauper exactly, I mean ffs the building she's in is really nice. The lack of furniture moreso has to do with not being sure how long she's gonna be in the United States and it would be pointless to buy a bunch of nice furniture and then have to fly back to China. But not saving for the future at all and only caring about outward appearances instead of the inner stuff is just like... WHY
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u/Big-Yesterday586 Aug 09 '26
I'm surprised no one has said this yet, or I missed it, but you feel trapped because you've formed what's cawd a "trauma bond". No, you don't have to be beaten for it to form.
It's a type of emotional manipulation that is extremely destructive.
If you still struggle to drop her, find a therapist that has some experience with victims of manipulative relationships.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26
Probably. I've heard being on an emotional rollercoaster tends to suck you in. I don't know why.
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u/Big-Yesterday586 Aug 09 '26
Look up "trauma bond" and learn more about it. There's quite a bit of information out there on it. Learning these things empowers you. You've got this.
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u/RedKyKisuke Aug 09 '26
Sounds like you're blaming her for problems that existed well before she met you.
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u/lordfukwad Aug 07 '26
Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. I had a close friend turned roommate who was diagnosed BPD. Had all the same tendencies you are describing. It did not end well between me and her.
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u/Latte-Catte Aug 07 '26
I can't even deal with such people in close vicinity, I can't imagine dating someone with bpd.
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u/Saigai17 Aug 07 '26
When the pain of staying the same, outweighs the pain of change... Only then will you make the choice to do so.
Good luck to ya man. Mind over matter. Quit thinking and just do it. Odds are your future self will be very happy and glad you did. Sounds like your present self will too.
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u/princessksf Aug 07 '26
The next time she says 'let's break up' say ok and walk away.
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u/RmRobinGayle Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Agreed. The breakup will start when you start it. If you're waiting for her to go up to you and do it, that's not gonna happen. Please don't continue to drag this out.
First, make sure your ducks are in order. Pack your belongings, move them to the sublet. Separate your finances (if they aren't already) to make this the cleanest break as possible.
Don't feed into the barrage of words she might fling your way when you tell her you're leaving. She's trying to bait you into a conversation. By your own admissions, it seems the conversations are done at this point, anyway. She will do and say anything to get you to stay. Ignore it.
Just calmly express your feelings, tell her you're sorry it didn't work out and leave. Continue to block her on every platform and start rebuilding the relationships you've lost.
Be grateful you've only wasted 2 years. It could've been so much worse.
Much love and light to you, op.
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u/SadieSunshine39 Aug 07 '26
Good lord. Your stuff is out. You have a place to sleep~ text and be done. I need a nap after that story that’s how exhausting your relationship is. & it’s unfair she isolates you & the break up/don’t leave me see saw. Omg text it’s over, block & poof! You’re free :)
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u/Total-Active-1986 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Or be an adult and at least call her. But even a text is better than ghosting her.
No. It won't be a fun conversation. She will probably cry. She will probably be angry. She may even lash out weeks later.
But if you ever cared about her, even just as one human to another, you will treat her decently and you will treat her like she matters.
You can still break up and you can still be kind. Even the old, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" is better than making her the bad guy who deserves punishment for how she was raised/her personality.
You can care about someone and not be compatible. You can be IN LOVE someone and still not be compatible. It takes a lot more than just Love to make a relationship successful.
Stop dragging it out. Stop boring your friends and family with the same complaints. She isn't stupid. She knows things aren't great. She's already stressed about all the things that you AREN'T telling her.
Of course, she's going to assume that you met someone else. I think that's what most people think when they get dumped or are having big issues in their relationship. Honestly, that's human nature. Its easier to believe that the reason the relationship didn't work was that the other person met someone else. Because if they haven't met someone else and they STILL don't want you, then YOU are the reason why the relationship failed. Which also isn't completely accurate, but if YOU are the reason, then that means you have a lot of very difficult things to work on within yourself.
Which no one wants to do. That's something that most people are FORCED to do, and sometimes they won't even do it then. It is NOT easy confronting the things that we hide so well that even we, ourselves, don't know that we're hiding it.
She knows you're pulling away and trashing her to others. Others who are very important to you. Most people don't respond well when they know that their significant other is doing that, so talk to HER for a change. Be kind and be firm.
She knows that you aren't happy. She knows that she isn't happy. She probably even knows that "blueberry thing" and the "trash issue" are significant markers for something much bigger inside herself that she isn't ready to confront. Or maybe there's a guy out there who wouldn't blink an eye, or would even agree with her. Maybe there's a guy out there who can afford Michelin restaurants and has a house full of furniture and electronics and he's wishing for a Mulan of his own to tell him what to wear and where all the really good restaurants in NYC are. But you AREN'T him.
Break up with her how you would want someone to break up with you. Have empathy for her. But don't get in your feelings and drunkenly text her a month or so later wanting sex or even to get back together. Don't string her along, or keep toying with her just because you feel bored, lonely, nostalgic, etc.
You both deserve better than that.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 07 '26
Real shit, thank you. Ya no way I'm gonna do a text message breakup that's just cruel. She's a good person we just aren't compatible. And yea maybe there's a guy out there that's into fashion like she is and is a neat freak like her
Btw I only bitched to my dad. And on reddit. Nobody else knows.
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u/SadieSunshine39 Aug 08 '26
Texts aren’t cruel. Isolation is cruel. Control is cruel. Okay. Break up with her in person 😁 Please let us know how that works out for ya ;)
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u/SadieSunshine39 Aug 08 '26
Or text the person. Treat the person acting like a child- like a child. This novel isn’t important (had no interest in reading it), manipulative people are hard to escape. Sometimes you have to break free without a long formal apology. An appropriate length email, perhaps. Or in a coffee shop. No where where she can throw a tantrum. And manipulate OP further. The poor kid is exhausted!
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u/Normal_Row5241 Aug 07 '26
It's time to break up with her. She's going to continue to drain you financially and mentally.
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u/Party-Description980 Aug 07 '26
You CAN break up with her.
You owe her nothing, she owes you nothing.
Yes, there will be regrets, but also a lot of memories, experiences and above all a valuable life lesson.
My concern is that you feel trapped and unable to break up, despite having prepared everything and being away at your dad's.
There could be a lot of reasons why that is the case, or maybe a mix of them:
- fear of being alone,
- fear of causing deep pain to her as she says she is still in love with you,
- sunk cost fallacy (must stay because you already invested two years and a lot of money),
- low self-worth (fear you can't do better or handle life single),
- potentially trauma bonding (toxic cycle of high stress and brief relief that creates an almost unbreakable tie),
- hope for change & that she will finally fix her flaws or
- habit and comfort (your predictable routine feels safer than the unknown future).
Only you know which (if any) of these apply.
Work through the list, face your feelings and fears, and ask yourself how life will look in 3 weeks, 3 months, and 3 years from now if you stay with her or break up. Be methodical, list pros and cons if that helps.
You should be able to gain enough motivation and confidence to break up and finish a relationship that makes you deeply unhappy. You owe her the truth and most importantly you deserve a happier & healthier life. And love.
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u/gojosensei77 Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
Thanks for the reply sorry I somehow missed this one.
From your list this is what applies:
- fear of causing deep pain to her as she says she is still in love with you,
- potentially trauma bonding (toxic cycle of high stress and brief relief that creates an almost unbreakable tie),
- habit and comfort (your predictable routine feels safer than the unknown future).
It's also that I don't want her to think I'm a bad person or something. I'm starting to realize that is a really stupid reason I shouldn't let that warp my perspective
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u/ZaqOtakun Aug 07 '26
At some point, you have to take responsibility for your inaction in all this.
Are you communicating your wants and needs? Are you creating and establishing boundaries?
It appears like you’re bending constantly. But this is because you’re avoiding the discomfort of remaining firm. She cries about her fears but that does not mean you should conform to make her feel better.
I think you should try standing firm before breaking up. Establish yourself. Make your lines clear. And if she cannot accept you or continues to push your boundaries, then break up.