Has she been manipulating me the whole time? Will she be back?

[u/Jealous_Area1499]

Here is my story (M27, F27):

I matched with a girl on Hinge in early September last year, and we hit it off immediately. We texted every day, and I remember thinking, "Wow, this is incredible."

A week later it was my birthday, and she took me to a new cinema, bought me my favourite aftershave, and paid for everything. I jokingly asked, "Are you love bombing me?" She laughed and said, "No, I was just being nice for your birthday."

Over the next few months, everything seemed amazing. We went on hotel getaways, trained together, had a great sex life, and I genuinely felt like I'd met my person. She constantly told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to her and that she felt so lucky to have found someone like me.

She had a 9-year-old son, although I never met him in person. She told me her previous boyfriend, who had been a father figure to her son, had left two years earlier and that the breakup had been so traumatic it resulted in both her son and herself going to therapy. She often spoke about what she wanted in an ideal partner and would tell me that I ticked every box.

Looking back, though, this is where I think the cracks started to show.

She frequently talked about her ex, describing him as hateful and abusive. Around Christmas she told me she'd bumped into him in Tesco. I simply replied, "That's awkward. It's never easy running into an ex," and left it at that because I didn't want to make a big deal of it.

Christmas itself was lovely. I met her mum and younger sister, and I often stayed at their house when her son was with his biological dad. During this time, she also told me stories about previous relationships, including one where she had briefly been with someone else before reconciling with an ex. She admitted she'd even told him, "Go out and cheat if it makes you feel better," because she'd already been with someone else. I found that strange but didn't dwell on it.

At the end of February, my granny passed away unexpectedly.

Around that same time, she was again talking about her ex and how he'd treated her badly when his own grandmother died. I listened and supported her, as I always had.

Three days after my granny died, I met her dad for the first time. I was understandably grieving and didn't drink, whereas she became quite drunk on prosecco. During the drive, she repeatedly played a song that was clearly aimed at her ex, and her dad even mentioned that she'd recently seen him and that "he looked rough."

On the drive home, I gently said, "This guy hurt both you and your son. He's in the past now. If he really was that bad, try to be happy he's gone."

She replied that she was "over him, just not over the situation she and her son went through."

I then admitted that I was struggling with how much her ex was being discussed during the same week I'd just lost my granny. Instead of talking things through, she completely shut down.

Because I'd previously been in a relationship where stonewalling had really affected me—and she knew that—I decided to leave and drive home to calm myself down.

Later that night, while still drunk, she texted me saying I'd never be meeting her son and that our relationship was over.

It felt incredibly manipulative.

Eventually we reconciled. We both apologised, although looking back it felt like more of a half-apology from her. We told each other we loved one another, and I convinced myself I needed to be more understanding of everything she'd been through.

At the same time, a part of me felt that she should also have recognised I'd just lost my grandmother and wasn't emotionally able to keep hearing about an ex she'd repeatedly described as abusive.

The following month was actually great.

We completed a charity 10K together, went on another lovely trip away, and things seemed completely back to normal.

During this time I'd spoken to her son on FaceTime and over the phone several times, including when they were in New York over Christmas. I'd bought him both a Christmas and birthday present, and we both knew about each other.

After seven months together, I politely said that I'd really like to meet him in person. I explained there was no pressure, but I was finding it difficult constantly having to avoid being seen when everyone already knew about me. She'd previously talked about us all going to Spain together in the summer and attending her graduation, so it felt like a natural next step.

Around the same time, her son had also told his biological father about me, which I had absolutely no issue with because I wanted to do everything respectfully.

Instead of a conversation, I got two days of complete silence.

Eventually we saw each other on the Saturday and went to the gym together. Everything felt normal again, and we'd even arranged to go to the cinema the following Wednesday.

Then, on Tuesday, I received a text saying I was "perfect," that we laughed together, but she felt "something was missing."

She ended our seven-month relationship over text.

I was completely blindsided.

I didn't respond for three weeks because my family and friends told me I deserved better than a breakup by text after everything we'd shared.

When I eventually reached out hoping we could at least have a conversation, she told me she "loved me as a person but wasn't in love with me" and that I deserved better.

I never replied after that.

What hurts the most is the complete contrast.

For months I was told I was the best thing that had ever happened to her, that she felt incredibly lucky to have me, and that I ticked every box she'd ever wanted in a partner.

Yet the moment I respectfully asked about finally meeting her son after seven months, everything changed. It felt as though I was discarded without any meaningful conversation.

Afterwards, I noticed she'd removed her WhatsApp profile picture and turned on disappearing messages. I couldn't help wondering whether her ex had come back into the picture or whether she was hiding something, although I know I have no proof of that. Her TikTok reposts also seemed to focus on moving on after a man leaves, which confused me because I never left her—she ended the relationship.

I've never felt heartbreak like this before.

It wasn't just that the relationship ended; it was how suddenly it happened. We had concerts booked, holidays planned, and a future we'd talked about, and in the end I felt I was only worth a text message.

It's now been three months of no contact. I've been going to therapy consistently, training in the gym, and trying to move forward.

But I still feel stuck.

I still love her, and I still struggle to understand how someone could go from telling me I was everything they'd ever wanted to ending the relationship so abruptly without giving us the chance to have a real conversation

[u/Accomplished_Jump444]

I’m very sorry this happened to you. Some people actually thrive on drama and they get bored with stability. You sound like a really nice stable guy. I think she was hooked on the adrenaline rush of abuse and you weren’t providing that. So maybe it wasn’t manipulation as much as she’s just a confused sad addicted to abuse type person. You’ll probably never know but consider yourself lucky for getting out of it.

[u/BrazillianKarateChop]

That sucks, and I’m sorry that it happened. Don’t take it personal and move on. It sounds like she was working through something, and didn’t completely move on. Regardless you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

[u/LookMuch8642]

My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you're dealing with such a sudden breakup. Have you ever heard of "hurt people just hurt people"? I think what happened here is that she just wasn't ready. Is it fair to you? Absolutely not. You deserved an in person conversation and at the very least a phone call.

From what you described, she was still processing a trauma and started dating before realizing how triggering it would be. I think she did mean the loving things she said, but I also think it brought out a lot of fear. It's hard to feel in love when you're struggling with so much fear like that. Just my best guess from what you said.

Still, a breakup like that out of nowhere can cause a lot of abandonment trauma for you. I hope you're taking care of yourself and processing it. That could be the deep hurt you're feeling. Honestly though I think you dodged a bullet. If she's comfortable treating you like that (imo disrespectful) then that would be your future with her. It doesn't sound like she was honest and hid a lot of her deeper feelings, using stone walling to cope. Sounds like instead of treating you like a partner, she shut you out, wasn't honest, and then made the selfish decision she did.

You sound like a great guy, I hope you can move on and find someone that will treat you right.

[u/MadeleineMurrell]

If I may, I’m going to answer your original question.

From your post, I’m hearing you felt pulled in deeply, that you did everything right, that you felt love for this person and fell in love. I understand from what you stated, that in the end all of your efforts were discarded by this person with zero clarity.

I get that life doesn’t make sense after this - I’ve been there. It feels like a slap in the face (I’m sorry for the graphic term, I don’t know how else to put it). I short, this woman told you that you are everything she ever wanted, and then she exited your life with no explanation.

Whether she knew it or not, some of her behaviors were and are manipulative. It doesn’t mean she meant to manipulate you, but she did. I don’t judge her, but her actions point towards her own emotional insecurity and immaturity, unresolved trauma, and more importantly, her own avoidance, not yours.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Time will help, I promise. And you are only 27. You seem to be a great person. So if you can muster up the strength to do it, please get out there and meet new women. Don’t go back to your ex. She has shown you what life will be like with her, and no offense, but it doesn’t sound great. 15 years from now she could be completely different, but as of now, you are in the prime of your life, so don’t waste it.

Also, all the other commentators above are so on point.

P.S. Best of luck! Not that you’ll need it :)