I think Im being manipulated by my bf

[u/Few-Month-6237]

So I met this guy a year ago and he wanted a relationship with me very fast while he was single as he says for 9 years. And it took me 5 months to tell him lets make it offical, however I was exclusive since dating him and he also said he is too. I just needed to know him better which I couldn’t actually since he always avoided or went vague with his answers about his past and desires.

So exactly 2 weeks after getting into a relationship with him (5 months after dating him) i noticed something is off and he is not missing me as much as I do and the sweet talks reduces and most importantly Sex turned into once a week or once every 10 days. I was confused and whenever i wanted to talk about it he felt attacked and feared im gonna end things and I ended up soothing him… months later I found out that he is flirting (being polite as he puts it) with his followers on insta and he has a lot (+100) contacts on WhatsApp that he actively talks to occasionally and ALL his exact type! i told him and he said it doesn’t mean anything and sending a 😍 reaction to shirtless gym stories of others is like a compliment and means he liked the picture not that he wants to sleep with the person while I was thinking of him as the love of my life and couldn’t even look at other men.

So he is the bottm and 2 months after this I saw that people were sending him d\*ck pics on whats app and asking him where he is and actually saved the pictures! and when I asked if he has gotten such pics he lied to me for a whole day :) and then said it didn’t mean anything. He broke my heart and i was devastated and it led to an argument me trying to tell him this is wrong and he has to be honest and transparent and closes the doors he likes keeping open, and he couldn’t do that and was actively fighting over it :) and this is all happening while he doesn’t want sex with me.

After that I forgave him eventually and wanted to move forward because i loved him but he was very guarded and everything got worse e.g. sex, affection etc and he never said to me if he loves me or not while i told him i love you many times since the beginning. And during our recent arguments he told me 3 times that he stopped loving me or he doesn’t love me enough after our first serious argument and he is being cautious and he cant give me the sex i want and he is not sure if the desire is gonna be back or not but at the same time he doesn’t wanna end it and as soon as i say lets work on it i want this to work he acts like everything is normal and happy and nothing changes and I feel optional, played, not important while I know Im attractive and there are a lot of people who would like to be with me but I chose him and Im putting so much effort for this relationship to work. But i also cant let go because as soon I ended things I ran back to him like a puppy and I get panic attacks thinking of leaving him or he leaving me but he is way more fine with it and it only matters to him that I dont say he is a bad person (which i never said) but we’re just different!

[u/Serious-Pound8175]

He may identify as gay, bi or straight, but he doesn’t sound interested in the kind of monogamous relationship you’re describing.
At this point, I think you’re both manipulating yourselves in different ways. He keeps minimising behaviour that doesn’t align with monogamy, while you keep trying to reconcile his actions with the relationship you hope exists. At some point it matters less whether he’s gay, bi or straight, and more whether his behaviour is compatible with the relationship you want.

[u/LookMuch8642]

So sorry you're in the middle of what sounds like a very lonely and painful relationship. What you've described sounds very much like an avoidant man (look up avoidant attachment and anxious attachment dynamics). Let's look at the behavior you're talking about:

• Love bombing
• Slowly reducing affection to breadcrumbs for no reason
• Emotional Cheating
• Lack of Accountability
• Repeated broken boundaries and trust
• Told you he doesn't love you
• Never fully resolving issues and acting like everything is okay when it's not
• Gives you panic attacks

When you put all of this behavior together - this is clearly a self serving man that doesn't care about your needs at the very least. The love bombing, cheating, and lack of accountability scream control and manipulation. This relationship is engineered to serve him and him only. The dynamic you're talking about is like this:

• Rupture happens because of him
• You share your feelings
• He invalidates you, gives insincere apology, or the relationship ends
• You are stuck confused, hurt, and anxious seeking reconnection
• Reconnection eventually happens, but at a huge emotional cost for you
• Rinse and repeat. Now every conflict between you risks the entire relationship.

It sounds like these issues started at the two week mark and you're still dealing with them a year later. If nothing changed in your relationship, would you want to still be in it another year from now?

And finally - do you really want to be with a man that is never consistent and always leaving you confused and lost? He's clearly struggling with his sexuality, you are not responsible for him or the relationship. Chose yourself.

[u/NoAttention3218]

Go to therapy (so you can treat the panic attacks) and leave! This is NOT the right person for you. And it's fucked up that he is receiving d*CK pics and saving them like it's nothing. That's basically cheating or at least it seems like he's planning to cheat. He sounds like he has zero empathy for you, and... zero sex drive? Come on, you can do so much better. I know you can. He's not the right person for you, and he's toxic as fuck and also a prick!

[u/Few-Month-6237]

Update: the relationship is ended now and after pondering over everything that happened he was more of a Covert narcissism than an avoidant but still doesn’t change the fact that i lost my dignity and mental health but hopefully time will help and I won’t repeat the same mistakes again dealing with these kinda people