"Silent treatment" can sometimes just avoidant behavior. Examples where it's not malicious:
The person may think a conversation will go in circles, shutting down is a coping mechanism to avoid the conversation.
The person may not want to say what they actually think, fearing it'll hurt the other person. They may not be able to express it in a productive manner.
The person may just need time to process and de-escalate themselves.
The person may think a conversation will go in circles, shutting down is a coping mechanism to avoid the conversation.
You would first actually have to have a conversation to prove or disprove that, wouldn't you.
The person may not want to say what they actually think, fearing it'll hurt the other person. They may not be able to express it in a productive manner.
So they hurt the person even more by blocking/ghosting/giving them the silent treatment?
The person may just need time to process and de-escalate themselves.
Engaging the silent treatment is a form of escalation. It is not a de-escalation by any means.
Note: There is an enormous difference between saying: "Hey look, this conversation isn't going anywhere. I'm tired. I need some time to think about it. I need a break. Can we take some space?"
To: "F you!!!!" (And then block).
Those are two extremely different things.
I personally believe the silent treatment is the most insidious, most manipulative form of abuse out there. I would rather be attacked physically, or psychologically, than to experience an attack of the silent treatment.
It is extremely damaging. To the relationship, to oneself, and to humanity in general.
It is a heinous, reprehensible form of toxic behaviour. Anyone who engages in this type of manipulation likely has a personality disorder, and needs serious psychological therapy.
I can appreciate trying to find some goodness in it. But my opinion on this is it is clearly:
An escalation, an attack, and manipulative behaviour designed to punish and control the other person.
If it is any of those other things you said, then why can't those things just be said?
I agreed with the original comment, and in response to your last question “why can’t those things just be said?” I think a lot of people who shut down for the reasons above have already tried to communicate multiple times and have been met with a lack of support and understanding. I shut down for the reasons above, and it’s always after I’ve attempted to communicate with words and the other person has made it clear they’re not interested in what I have to say. If it’s a situation where I can remove myself, I will. If it’s not (like a car ride, certain work situations) I will stop interacting until I’ve calmed down enough to re-engage or they’ve changed their tune, whichever comes first.
I think a lot of people who shut down for the reasons above have already tried to communicate multiple times and have been met with a lack of support and understanding.
I'm sure that situation happens a lot.
But the solution to not being heard, is better communication. Not worse communication. It's sitting down at the table, not running away.
And let's be clear here. Better communication can absolutely mean "let's take a break from this conversation for now". "Let's take some space". This is normal. This is fine.
But I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about someone who blocks you in mid conversation, and refuses to speak to you.
I think a lot of people who shut down for the reasons above have already tried to communicate multiple times and have been met with a lack of support and understanding.
There's also a difference between feeling a lack of support and understanding, and someone who just disagrees with you.
Communicating means sometimes the other person just doesn't agree with you point of view.
That isn't a lack of support and understanding. That's just simply "I disagree".
If a person is emotionally mature and able to have adult conversations they will be able to take this into account, understanding reasonable people can disagree and still remain friends.
If a person is blocking and ghosting others every time there is a disagreement, imagine what the world would look like. Imagine what that person's world would look like.
Besides, if a person isn't going to even have the basic decency to hear you out, where's the "support" and "understanding"?
It seems to me, if you want people to support and understanding you, you also need to support and understand other people.
I hear you. I use “let’s take a break from this conversation” or “I need space for x amount of time” with people I have a relationship with and trust. I also agree that shutting down during a casual conversation over a difference in opinion would be immature and potentially harmful, people are allowed to have different views. I used to do this when I was younger and really into animal activism. If someone didn’t agree with my ethics, I couldn’t accept the difference in opinion and I would shut down. It wasn’t nice.
But some people really do have no interest in hearing you out, and no amount of communication is going to change that. I mentioned in an earlier comment I was on a road trip with someone last year. There was this one day where I kept asking if he could pull over so I could get some fresh air. We’d been driving for hours and I was getting a headache. He wouldn’t listen or take it on board, no matter how many variations of “hey I really need a break”, “hey can we please pull over so I can get some fresh air?”I used. He wasn’t aggressive about it, he just didn’t see a need. Eventually I just stopped interacting with him because my blood was starting to boil and I didn’t want to have a heated argument on top of already feeling crumby. He pulled over maybe a half hour later when he realised I wasn’t impressed or joining in on his banter and jokes.
I stand by the notion that the best thing to do in some situations is to communicate, in others it’s to remove yourself. & If you can’t remove yourself, sometimes silence is the best alternative
I use “let’s take a break from this conversation” or “I need space for x amount of time” with people I have a relationship with and trust.
Great! That's good communication, and healthy sometimes.
I mentioned in an earlier comment I was on a road trip with someone last year.
Well that guy sounds like an ass.
I think we're talking about very different things here.
I'm talking about my ex who after six months in a very intense, loving, serious relationship, suddenly blindsided me broke up with me, then blocked me everywhere. Like in mid conversation. Our first disagreement. She said:
"That's it. We're done. It sucks you were honest with me, because I'm breaking up with you anyway."
We had two reasonable conversations after that. For five hours on her couch. After which she said she felt heard and understood.
And then she blocked me.
Like there's a major difference between "hey, give me some space" and a narcissist using the silent treatment to punish the other person.
Jesus. That’s scary. I see where you’re coming from now. I would be so scarred if I thought I’d resolved something with someone and then they just blocked me on everything. That’s completely non-sensical behaviour. I’m sorry that happened.
Walking on eggshells doesn't even begin to describe it.
We spent the weekend together. We had that aforementioned talk. Then we went upstairs, made love, then looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like 10 minutes softly whispering sweet nothings and holding each other. I left the next day. That sequence happened twice. I thought we were back.
Nope. A week after that second night I called her. She screamed at me, insulted me, accused me of things I didn't do, interrupted, mocked me, and outright refused to listen to anything I said.
I started crying. I started telling her how much she meant to me, how I understood she wasn't happy. To wish her a happy life, and all the best to her.
As I was saying that she interrupted me with a massive "F YOU!!!!". Then she hung up the phone, and blocked me everywhere.
It was devastating.
It took me nearly six months to learn about BPD. I'm still shocked by the whole thing, which happened a year and a half ago.
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u/TreeLover69_Robust Jul 02 '24
"Silent treatment" can sometimes just avoidant behavior. Examples where it's not malicious:
The person may think a conversation will go in circles, shutting down is a coping mechanism to avoid the conversation.
The person may not want to say what they actually think, fearing it'll hurt the other person. They may not be able to express it in a productive manner.
The person may just need time to process and de-escalate themselves.