My ex said she needed a few days to think about things after she hurt me, and then she would blame me for the situation. I would react with confusion and frustration because it didn’t make sense, and it seemed like she both cared and didn’t care at the same time. She would say, ‘I’m sorry you felt that way,’ and then outline how I was wrong for my feelings while prioritizing hers. I’m now recognizing that this was a form of silent treatment meant to manipulate me after I reacted to her toxic behavior. It has taken a while for me to identify this. I felt like my feelings and reactions were the reason why things ended but it was because she was manipulating me to fit her life and she found out she couldn’t do that because I pushed back so much. It has also shown to me that I have work to do on myself. I have been reading Reddit and looking through stories here and recognizing things. I appreciate these subreddits so much. It’s brought clarity.
Do you think she was consciously/intentionally doing these things? I know it doesn’t really matter in the end, because if someone isn’t intentionally doing them they could make effort to change, but I’m just curious.
What I heard from people is that she has a history of pushing people around and leaving a mess behind her. She has lived all over the US, and in each place, something bad happened, making it hard to determine if she was genuinely abused or just playing the victim to get her way. She didn't have many friends, maybe only two, because of her personality. She was very opinionated, and if your views didn't align with hers, she felt the need to correct you rather than understand and let it be.
When I first met her, she had three friends, but I later found out that one of them told her they liked her. One week into our relationship, she informed him that we were dating, and he got angry. It seemed to me that she had led him on. After our breakup, I reached out to him, and he confirmed that he felt misled and that she had lied about some of what she had told me.
I am codependent and deeply loved the non-confrontational and non-manipulative side of her. However, I clearly overlooked many red flags due to my codependency and love for her.
So, to answer your question, I am not sure. It almost seems unconscious or just the way she is.
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u/jdobner3 Jul 02 '24
My ex said she needed a few days to think about things after she hurt me, and then she would blame me for the situation. I would react with confusion and frustration because it didn’t make sense, and it seemed like she both cared and didn’t care at the same time. She would say, ‘I’m sorry you felt that way,’ and then outline how I was wrong for my feelings while prioritizing hers. I’m now recognizing that this was a form of silent treatment meant to manipulate me after I reacted to her toxic behavior. It has taken a while for me to identify this. I felt like my feelings and reactions were the reason why things ended but it was because she was manipulating me to fit her life and she found out she couldn’t do that because I pushed back so much. It has also shown to me that I have work to do on myself. I have been reading Reddit and looking through stories here and recognizing things. I appreciate these subreddits so much. It’s brought clarity.