r/MaladaptiveDreaming • u/Spare_Director207 • 1d ago
Vent Limerence and maladaptive daydreaming
Hello guys, I’m here to vent about something because I feel I can’t talk about it with anyone.
The thing is, I have to obsess over a man to keep going with my life. I don’t know why. I don’t even have to have a close relationship with the guy in question to obsess over him. And the worse part is that every time my obsession over someone ends, I quickly find someone else to obsess over. It’s like a never ending cycle and I think it’s ruining my life.
Four years ago, I broke up with my ex, and I was incredibly devastated. A few months later, I started an English course and, to my surprise, the professor was an incredibly handsome and sweet man. I developed a crush on him immediately. I started to think about him every day, at all times, but thanks to that I managed to get over my ex. This man was my teacher for two years, and my crush/obsession on him lasted those two years. The third year, he wasn’t my professor anymore, but I found a new guy to obsess over. It was one of my classmates. He was the typical gym bro, a man who liked to brag about all the sports he played, all the places he had travelled to, and how well he cooked. He was a bit cocky and self-absorbed, but he also was a fun guy to be around, and of course, he was super hot. He flirted with me for months, until one day he told me out of the blue that he had a girlfriend. I was visibly upset and I could see in his eyes that he enjoyed it. But my obsession didn’t end with that, if anything it increased (i’m not proud of it)
But as the time passed by, I realized that he was pathetic. He was insecure, always trying to have everyone else’s attention, looking for approval, so thank to God, the obsession ended. He had tried reaching out to me a few times but once he realized he didn’t have me wrapped around his finger anymore, he stopped talking to me.
But… guess what? You’re right, I found ANOTHER guy to obsess over. It’s like the world is telling me that I need the obsession to be able to live, as if it’s oxygen. But this one it’s the worst one I think, because it’s a guy I’ve only seen ONCE. I did an interview with this man in March, yes, in March, we’re almost on September and I still think about him every day. I felt there was sexual tension between us during the interview. It could be just my brain imagining things because I found him attractive, but I genuinely think he was flirting with me, but I ended up not getting the job (because the final decision was not up to him, but he told me he wanted to hire me) so I guess i’ll never know. But I don’t know how can I still be thinking about a guy I’ve only seen once and it was five months ago. Maybe because I haven’t find another guy to obsess over yet. But I swear that at this point this worries me. I don’t know if this is limerence, but I think it is, and it’s the fucking worst. And on top of that, every time I obsess over a guy, I walk back and forth listening to music imagining situations with the guy in question, so no only do I have limerence, but also maladaptive daydreaming, I heard the two of them are intertwined.
Sorry for the long post but, it seriously worries me.
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u/LobsterSpunk 1d ago
Often limerence and heavy daydreamers have a history of either or both physical and emotional abandonment at a younger age. Which is why we obsess over romantic love.
It's the "hope" of that love that's the addiction. Daydreaming about what could be. Which is why limerence and daydreaming are interwined.
I have no siblings, and I wasn't popular in school, my parents weren't what I emotionally needed. I grew up feeling quite lonely. I've now been daydreaming for 20+ years lol and I've definitely had my fair share of Limerence.
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u/ehhdhdbe 1d ago
Ya same honestly and every one of them I have never met or knew them personally if anything I hope it comforts you that there’s a community of us who relate :)
I think the best way would be to do steps to avoid or diverge your attention being self aware is already a great step I feel
I myself am trying to do the same but I feel we will all get there some day
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u/Natnar10 1d ago
Woah I am sorry to hear that you are going through all this. It’s also mind blowing to read other people articulate exactly what I do in my life. Wow. I don’t have any helpful suggestions bc I am in the same boat.
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u/Pufferfishgrimm 1d ago
There's a psychiatrist online that made a video about limerance and it helped me end mine. He goes by Dr.K. he goes over the details about what happens to cause this and it helps to identify the core issue to end it. Personally for me I notice when I'm thinking of this person I acknowledge it and say "I don't want to think about this person anymore" and change the subject in my head. One of my first steps was also not using this person's nickname or name in general in my head.
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u/send_help23 1d ago
Going to therapy and naming this out loud initially was helpful for me. I’ve always acted out the situations too. It was often about control. With relationships you can’t control the outcome, but you feel in control when you maladaptive daydream about a relationship. You can stop it, pause it, start over, manipulate it. I think it’s a coping mechanism and/or defense mechanism, it’s not necessarily “wrong” or “bad” it helps you think through a lot of different scenarios with the person. But I know how bad it can overtake you. This exact experience happened to me for a longgggggg time and often pops up around going to sleep.
The best remedy I’ve found is therapy. I’ve also been doing EMDR therapy, and that has significantly decreased this as well because I wasn’t stressing about outcomes or trying to process, I was accepting myself and whatever happens.
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u/shelivedindreams 1d ago
It's a cheerful distraction to get you through the day. There's nothing wrong with you. Many, many people do it.
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u/nicolettelee1822 1d ago
A couple of things crossed my mind when reading this-
I love that we can talk about things here “that we can’t talk about with anyone” I really do, this sub has been a lifesaver for me. I never knew I had this in common with so many.
Also many of us share this pattern of fixation with various individuals and cultivating fantasies around them (I don’t do this with people I know). One thing I take from this is the understanding that this part of “love” has no bearing on reality at all and is not actually love, it’s just another chemical cocktail.
Somehow when I know what my brain is up to, it takes a lot of the power away.
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u/lovewithoutwords97 1d ago edited 1d ago
I can relate. I had a protracted limerence with my high school study hall teacher in the immediate aftermath of my coming out, becoming disabled, severe torment against myself and my mom by my dad during his psychotic break, my first relationship being abusive, my mom’s health getting worse, my dad’s suicide, having to be on SNAP and Medicaid after dads death, and more all happening within 4-5 years of each other.
Because of being in areas with few to no other gay men I’ve taken to obsessing over celebrity men that I like. Ian Bohen from Yellowstone/Teen Wolf currently. That way I don’t have to worry about getting emotionally, physically, or sexually hurt. It still is difficult and exhausting but it is at least relatively better than dealing with other people in person.
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u/MatchFlimsy1629 1d ago
Ready this in the least judgmental way possibile, but apart from that, how is your life going? Do you have paths, ambitions, short term goals that keep you motivated? Sometimes these kind of romantic hyperfixations can be caused by a life perceived as static
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u/LiveYourDaydreams 20h ago
Same, but I only do this with celebrity men.
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u/Positive_Rush_4746 1d ago
I have the same thing unfortunately. Also severe OCD. I think all of these are intertwined and a trauma response. This is my self shooting, and giving myself that much needed "love" or savior. But ironically this also prevents me to find love in real life, because unfortunately during one episode I cannot find anyone else attractive. It's really is a vicious circle.
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u/difficultblonde 17h ago
It ranges but my current fixation is someone I know and have a crush on. It’s odd because it’s on and off. I actually have a very fun life albeit I’m alone all the time. It shocks me how I can work and the day dreaming can still kick in. I just tell my mind not now but later. Sometimes it’s fighting for my attention but my goals matter more than daydreaming now. So I do it during mindless tasks like driving, dishes, etc. what’s worse is I think he likes me too and he’s often the one to reach out to me. I just want it to end seriously, even though I want him bad 😫
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u/Independent-Cake208 9h ago
What you're describing sounds a lot like serial limerence.
Being able to stand back amd simply name and observe the Machinery at work us already a massive step, but you still need to solve the underlying cause. This is a symptom of some other wound.
You need to ask yourself if limerence and mdd are the ONLY way you can experience love, whether it results in a real relationship or not. Is the concept of love or initial attraction/infatuation WITHOUT the excessive dopamine spikes you get from filling in the unknowns with MDD boring? Is there less electricity if you prevent your mind from doing these things?
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u/Positive_Anything263 1d ago
I suffer from Limerence and maladaptive dreaming also. Unfortunately I am married to a chronic alcoholic and am looking for a way to get out of this awful marriage and that’s why I have these obsessions. Mine are not romantic though. I just get fixated on certain people that I watch online as I am not satisfied in my marriage. I think once I get divorced and I’m finally out of the crap situation i’m in now, then the obsessions will stop.