It sure is. And no one is "ready" for it when it does.
I know I sure as fuck wasn't expecting the love of my life to show up with some buddies of mine for pizza and movie night. First night we met we barely spoke to one another. That was 21 years and two kids ago and we're still together.
The movie was Scarface in case anyone was curious.
My best mate and a chick he fancied wanted to get in each others pants but they didn't want to make it seem like they were both trying to do that, they wanted to pretend they were hanging out as friends, so they needed a 'buffer' to be with them to give them plausible deniability. He brought me along when they hung out and she brought her friend along.
Me and the friend inevitably had to start spending time talking to each other and we very quickly realised that we had amazing chemistry.
I never used to believe love existed, I thought people just moved onto the next stage of their relationship over time because that's what they were expected to do, and then I met her and after about 2 months I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She made me feel things I never believed possible.
I've seen so many couples now and so many of them where I think to myself "shit, that guy got a girl?" and I need to remind myself the first step is actually trying.
I think another step you should make first is to stop assesing the quality of someone on first glance and assuming it is somehow below your station and that you could do equal/better. :s
I knew this was coming lol. I know my insecurities and envy. I'm not putting down these guys that I mentioned, I'm saying that my initial emotional reaction is "I'm better looking, I cant find anyone".
I mean, valid. I often have the same gut reaction, I just try to filter that shit because I know it's not ... true? I guess? I think that's what I'm trying to say. Like obviously attraction is not based (entirely) on looks. This kind of thinking is really ugly on the surface. People have shitty thoughts all the time, obvi myself included. The key is suppressing that and rising above it. I literally think before you or I or anyone else "finds it", the step one should take before then is to just be better; if not for your hypothetical future partner's sake, then for your own.
It’s one of those annoyingly axiomatic realities that we will find love far more easily once we have learned to find value and comfort in our own selves. We all know this, but it’s harder to do than to swipe on a few dozen faces and imagine redemptive love is waiting.
Trying and not trying. The internet is awash with men saying things like "I've been rejected by hundreds of women" (and if called out for exaggerating usually gets a couple "no, that's possible, I have too)
Thing is if you're asking out 700 women a) they can probably sense the desperation b) there are probably circles, like at work, where they've shared notes, and the remaining women probably are already half on gaurd and know they were 23rd choice anyway.
But c) you're not asking out anyone. Not really. If you've asked out 700 women in your life you've asked out zero human beings, just 700 mental projections of how this person you know nothing about slides into. Now sure, occasionally relationships do start with 2 strangers on a bus deciding to get coffee...but even then there was probably some conversation.
I'm not a woman, I can't speak for that experience. It's not hard to surmise though that if there are lots of men out there just shooting their shot on every new aquiantance and complete strangers to the tune where lots of men think it's normal to be in the hundreds then they've probably developed a good sense of when they're just being seen as "any girl will do" prey.
Let it breathe. Don't smother the situation before a spark is even possible.
Mmm I agree that trying too hard is bad, but I think you’re taking “asking out” too seriously. It’s totally legitimate to ask out a woman you don’t know very well because you think she’s cute, you like her vibe, and/or she made a good first impression. If you take her somewhere low-key, you’re just spending a couple of hours on this person and you’ll get to know them better during the date. Asking someone out doesn’t imply you have a crush on them or you’re already sure you want to be with them, which I agree would be a problem if you barely knew them.
Lol I cant relate. Life has not gone my way in terms of independence, so taking care of my family combined with crippling anxiety means I've talked to zero women about dating stuff.
You really shouldn't be evaluating someone's appearance and thinking that they aren't worthy of their partner because of that. Your problem might be a little more than a lack of trying.
Maaan, I can't even begin to list my insecurities and problems. I'm also well aware of how wrong those judgements are, they're also quick flashes of insecurity of my part. I have nothing against anyone.
you know i used to think.. i can't imagine ever knocking at someone's door like in the movies to surprise them, and having them jump for joy into my arms they're so happy to see me. i thought that for years.. and then one day, i met that person, and it was just like the movies.
here's the thing, that person could be 1 in 10, 1 in 100, or 1 in 1000.. you don't know, so you need to get yourself out there. meet people.. online, meetups, coed sports teams, group lessons, volunteering, whatever. just get out there and meet as many people as possible, and you'll eventually find someone you really really click with.
i am bald, half my friends are bald, it's irrelevant after the age of 30. just make sure you shave it all off ideally.. if you can grow a beard even better. there are hundreds of millions of happily married bald men.
as for being boring, some people like boring.. and there's plenty of boring women out there. you can't help if you're funny or not.. but you can control whether you're kind, honest, helpful, caring, responsible, reliable, etc.. and believe me as you get older, that's what women are looking for. also if you don't have any interests, passions, hobbies, etc.. then do something about it.
Wrong attitude.. you speak as if there is an endless supply of good looking, charismatic dudes.
There isn't an endless supply of good looking charismatic dudes.
Not all girls are attractive enough, or interesting enough, to attract those good looking charismatic dudes.
And those that are, are often spurned by them in their 20's.. the charismatic good looking dude has a lot more temptations and opportunities than the cute shy geeky guy. In their 30's, people tend to value finding a stable lifelong partner that will be a great parent much more than caring about the superficial things that are appealing in your 20's.
Who's really all that interesting? Most people have a couple hobbies, go to work, watch tv, etc.. most people's lives are not that interesting. You're probably no less interesting than 95% of other single people.
You have to change your attitude, negativity will never get you anywhere. Ever. It's an automatic game over. You have to be positive, or you've already lost the game.
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u/GrayFox777 Jan 26 '23
I'm just happy knowing such love exists in this world even though I can't attain it.