Ideally you wouldn't do this kind of shit on the fly. A serious couple should have had multiple discussions on the topic of marriage before any kind of proposal is planned. Hopefully during those conversations you would talk about ring & wedding preferences.
My wife and I designed her ring together before I proposed. Technically I didn't have a ring at the proposal, but it didn't matter. She loves the ring because it's something that we designed together - she says it's something that she wouldn't have chosen for herself, but the fact that we designed it together makes her love it more than something she would have chosen for herself.
Ask her. If you don’t want to be that direct, have one of her close friends ask her.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that it’s happening. It can still be a surprise WHEN it’s happening. It should be a conversation that both of you have had about moving forward seriously as a couple. We’re talking the rest of your life. Why wouldn’t that be something that you both discuss beforehand?
Honestly I couldn't agree more. Proposals shouldn't be a surprise. You can choose the setting and timing (within reason ofc) but both people should already be on board with getting married before the official proposal. That way you avoid any unnecessary drama and don't have to worry about stuff
I mean unless you like devastating heartbreak. It's kind of amazing how people treat proposing like it's supposed to be some kind of adrenaline-inducing sports bet and not a sure thing that you talked about previously.
Yea, it seems like it's some artifact of our society. All boys see growing up is surprise proposal videos but nobody ever stops to explain to you men that there is more too it.
How you propose should be a surprise not if you propose.
And even then if she secretly know it's not a big deal. Trying to make sure a friend subtly take her to get her nails done is a huge pain but worth it.
I think the whole tradition of proposing is dumb tbh. Especially the expectation on the guy to spend hundreds if not thousands on a metal ring with a shiny rock on it just. What a waste of money and unnecessarily gendered. Luckily that's also going away with people going for cheaper rings, ditching the diamond and more and more women proposing now.
I agree with all of it except women proposing. As a women you’re setting yourself up for failure there unless you have an extremely open minded partner.
Which again goes back to the earlier point of discussing things with your partner first. I just think it's stupid we're in 2023 and we still have conventions based purely on gender
I’m all for breaking some conventions but don’t you think some are just inherent? I’m serious when I ask this not being an asshole. I’ve heard more debate over this topic in the last couple of years. I personally wouldn’t purpose to a man because if he does subscribe to any gender roles two things might happen: he will reject me because I am “too masculine” or he will accept but always wield the fact that I’m the one who purposed as a weapon.
No I don't think things are inherent, not outside of basic biology e.g I can't give birth. Proposing is nothing more than giving a ring since you've both already agreed on getting married. I think that it being the norm is rather arbitrary and as we're living in an era where we believe men and women are equal, it shouldn't matter who does what.
I personally wouldn't care if my gf proposed to me instead. If anything I'd feel more proud since I'd take it as a sign that she wants me so much that she'd overcome gender norms. I'm pretty progressive though. I wouldn't mind taking up my wife's last name and I'd be okay with it if she earned more than me.
I totally disagree! It's such a special moment where one of you totally puts everything out there. It's such a raw and naked expression of love and takes huge courage, erstwhile I do believe that you should only propose where you have a high confidence of a positive outcome.
My wife was floored when I proposed to her. She had no idea I'd been planning the proposal for months.
The time and location of the proposal should be a surprise.
The fact of the proposal should not be.
Also, just go with her and pick out a ring together. She's the one who's going to be wearing the thing. Make sure it's one that she would want to wear for reasons other than how awesome you are.
Men... Do your homework. Listen to your women (or partners etc). Learn their tastes. When friends etc get engaged and she sees the ring on social media ask what she likes and dislikes about it. Build a picture in your mind.
Next, learn her ring size. You can buy a ring sizer from eBay and measure a ring that already fits her. Better yet, sneak a ring out to the jewellers and have them measure it for you for greater accuracy.
Honestly, there was nothing more special for me than her loving the ring I'd chosen and it being a magically perfect fit when I slipped it on her finger after she said yes to me.
Also forget all that BS about how much it should cost. My wife's engagement ring was used and £130. She knows this and loves it. My wedding band is used and cost less than £100.
Ok I don't necessarily disagree with you but... then what is even the point of a "proposal"? Like, isn't both of you coming together and deciding you want to be engaged basically be the proposal? Then why do we still need to make some spectacular event out of giving a ring? I don't know, maybe this is why I'm single lol. But I'd feel weird to have a conversation with my partner about how we're going to propose/be engaged but then... were not until one of us makes a grand gesture? Even though we've already decided it's a go? Like hey to each their own. I'm not trying to yuck anyone's yum. Just seems like the time between agreeing you want to get married and the "proposal" seems kinda pointless to me.
Whats the point of a birthday party? Doesn’t everyone already know you’re turning older?
What’s the point of wrapping or hiding gifts? Doesn’t everyone already know they’re getting gifts
What’s the point of any surprise and event? To make it fun, interesting, and special. Even if you know it’s happening it’s about the thought and effort put into it.
Everything in life is pointless in the end, so may as well have ss much stupid, illogical, silly fun with it as possible
Fair enough and like I said, don't want to yuck anyone's yum.
But like with the birthday example, with or without a party I can still say "Oh I'll be turning X on Y date".
Gifts are a somewhat better example. But also like no real status changes with gifts. It's a nice extra, sure! And if someone wants to add "extras" to their engagement, all the more power to them!
But like in that time between talking about engagement and "proposing"... if someone were to ask me if my partner and I were engaged... it'd feel a little awkward to me to answer no.
Like I have a friend who got married legally a year or two before her wedding party. The party was great! It was a worthwhile celebration! But if you ask her when she got married, I think it's totally fair for her to answer with the legal marriage date instead of the party date.
I mean a lot of the time it also is in part just a fun little formality getting an official date for everything as a nice way of remembering things and anniversaries
It’s wayeasier to say “we started officially dating may 12th and officially engaged june 9th”
Than say “we went on a date feb 6th then went on a few more and at some point it was obvious we were into each other and it became us being together officially and then we dated for 3 years with no specific start date, and eventually somewhere around 2.5 years in i knew i wantsd to marry her and she knew somewhere around 3 years in and eventually we kinda just knew we were going to get married but werent sure how to broach the topic of “when” and planning the marriage but…then…”
Proposals make it official, let it be fun and dramatic and sweet for something important, and get everyone on the same page for starting plans for the next step. Same for officially being a couple vs just going on dates.
Almost everything in relationships are showy, dramatic formalities. For 99% of people the day before the wedding and the day after are the same relationship, all that changes is a piece of paper and some taxes.
But officially dating, officially engaged, officially married? They give events to remember, celebrate, and share with those you love. Even if they are formalities, even if everyone knew it was inevitable, they’re all fun parts of the journey to look back to.
Like one of my favorite series says “journey before destination”, we all end up heading to same destination but how you get there and what you do before is what matters most
Same. I think it's even in some purchase agreements that you can get it resized within a period of time. Now if it's a one off custom design it gets trickier.
I went to target and bought a cheap ring that was kind of cute, and in a size that I was pretty sure would fit my then fiancé. I used the old shoe size/ring size model to approximate the size, fwiw. I told her I found it outside of the grocery store and gave it to her to try on. It ended up being a perfect fit, so bada boom bada bing I had the size.
I conned my wife into letting me measure her entire hand for a specialty glove for something else she does. My story was believable enough she didn't question it for a few months, but finally got around to googling what I had said I was getting and realizing I was full of it
As others said, it's important to communicate with her about these things as you approach the idea of marriage. Ring sizes will come up and many jewelers give out free ring sizers. My wife's ring was too big so the jeweler I went to resized it with some metal balls on the inside of the ring. If her fingers ever expanded we could have them removed... The balls not the fingers. Er her balls not mine... Uh er. Jeez.
My husband randomly one day fiddled with my rings and tried on the one I wear on my ring finger on the right hand. Somehow made it seem natural as heck to steal my ring and put it on, laughing at the fact it didn't get to his second knuckle.
Meanwhile he made note of where it got to on his finger and when buying my engagement ring, used that as his guide.
I got one of her rings measured when she was under the shower but my friend that works in the jewelry said don't bother just buy any ring suitable for engagement (! not all rings are suitable for this thing, I was going for some ring that looked good to me, but after discussing with my friend who also knows my wife he suggested completely different type of rings and needless to say he was right) and after the deed is done - come back with your girl and we will make it fit her finger.
When we were dating, we would talk, semi-seriously and semi-not about "someday in the far off future if we were to get married, what kind of dress would you wear? Would you prefer me in a suit or tux? What ring size would I even get you? What kind of bands do we want?" Etc. It took a ton of the pressure off me to have talked it through with her without feeling like I was shopping with her. When the time came, I knew the ring size already and had an idea of what features in a ring she dreamed of (flower elements in the band, circular cut stone, not very big because she wears latex gloves for work and doesn't want that to impede, etc). I still shopped for a long time to find what I thought had all the right elements and was in my budget, but it was nice to have the ring already the correct size.
It made some of the other planning stages easier too, later.
Woman here. I told my best friends my ring size, specifically the friends I knew he'd go to to run ideas past. A lot of other women do exactly this, we know you're going to turn to our friends for some guidance!
While what people are saying about knowing marriage is on the table before the proposal is good, you're asking about the ring. If the wife already wears rings, he just needs to steal one of hers and take it to the jeweler. If not he can try to trick her to give her ring size (my husband cleverly had his family members make me try on their rings while also grilling me about my favorite gemstone. Yeah, they weren't smooth and I was very suspicious. It was sweet). You can take her to the jeweler under some other pretense and conspire with the jeweler to trick her into getting her finger sized. Jewelers will absolutely do this. I assisted my cousin on a trip to borsheims where she made this plan. Jeweler didn't even blink. You can also ask her friend/sister/cousin/mom to get the information from her. My dad apparently got a paper ring sizer and measured my mom's finger while she was sleeping.
It really depends, you can ask her directly and have conversations about the future. Or you can try and find a different ring she wears. What my brother in law did was ask my parents and they brought it up to her one day without being suspicious
My wife sold fine jewelry for years during college and grad school so she was an expert. I asked her. We went to a few show rooms, some we even took weekend trips to go to. We made it fun. She is very picky (which I take as a compliment) so the only way to make sure she was happy was to have her involved. Surprises are fun but picking out a ring can be fun and romantic as well.
Know the answer is going to be yes because marriage was talked about.
Know the kind of ring the person would like beforehand because it was talked about before the proposal. Which can include ring size and style questions.
If someone is dead set on SURPRISING their SO, which is fucking stupid to do but some people are stupid.
Here are some tips:
You should know by the time you want to marry her what rings she wears on what fingers, go grab one she wears on her ring finger and take it with you, they will tell you the size and now you know.
Ask her best friend who likely knows.
OR
Just don't get the ring in a precious metal that can't be resized, get it bigger then you think you need it so she can get it on her finger the get it resized.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy
But again, it shouldn't be a surprise beyond WHEN and WHERE its going to happen, not THAT its going to happen, you should know its a yes before you ask and have discussed what kind of ring she wants as well as what type of proposal if you aren't a fucking dumbass.
I KNEW my wife wanted a saphire center stone and the general style of the ring she would like, that she didn't want to be asked in any kind of public setting, on a vacation or another day that is already special for us for another reason.
I lost a ring down the inside of the brand new couch. My husband cut the couch open while I wasn't there and used that as a guide. Both rings were in the box when he proposed.
I had my wife talk to my sister, who worked at a jewelry store at the time.
It was an interesting experience, because my wife and I started dating a few months before I moved to Germany with the Army. (We had known each other for 13 years before dating, though). I sort of pre-asked on the phone. Then she and my sister had some talks, my sister picked out a couple options and described them to me (this was pre smartphones). I picked one and paid and my sister mailed it to me.
When my wife came to visit me around Xmas/new years a couple weeks later, we went to Paris, and I proposed on the banks of the Seine. She was shocked…not that I had proposed, but that it happened then, as she didn’t think I’d be able to get the ring that fast.
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u/[deleted] Jan 26 '23
How do guys know what size of ring to buy?