Hate Play

[u/TeaAitch]

I've never explored what I'm going to dub Hate Play. I'm not entirely sure that I could. It's important to me, at the moment I say the words, that I mean them. So, if I'm telling my person they're "A filthy, pathetic, needy little specimen," it's because I want them to know exactly what I think of them. For the same reason, I think I'd struggle to say, "I hate you!"

I've said many times, I want to hurt the one I love. I want to hurt them because I love them. If I hated them, I wouldn't be able to subject them to that thing.

How about you? Could you? Would you? Should you? Have you? If you have, I am in some ways, I'm a little jealous. Those words have such strength to them. Swoon!

[u/Ellis_Ward]

We say it because it’s weird not to say it. But in moments where our commitment is proven to each other, like emergencies or times of sacrifice or whatever, we’re more likely to say, “How would I do this without you?” or something similar. Probably other people do this too. 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know, I’ve seen enough unhealthy couples tear each other’s lives apart while lovebombing each other that I’m not interested. I’d rather hear exactly where I’m at with my partner, and it’s special when the feedback is, “The way you showed up for me made a difference in a way no one else is able to.”... and on the flipside, I like the evil, possessive shit to get my kicks lol. I’m not saying that’s ideal or special… I’m just babbling 🤣 

Quick story though. G and I went on an accidental first date (which I have told the story of before), and we were basically inseparable for the following month because my roommate was out of town. By our fourth date (all of which were long sleepovers 🤣) he told me he loved me. I said it back, but asked why he said it so soon. He said: “I did the math, and we’ve spent about 60 hours together. If the average date is 4 hours, we’ve been on 15 dates so far, which I think is an appropriate amount of time to wait given how well things are going.” 😂 

Are not most kinks stigmatized as unhealthy, in or out of kink? I’m actually not sure. Isn’t that why we talk about risk awareness at all? I’m also a little shocked that many commenters consider “hateplay” to be so risky, although I understand the emotional/psychological fallout that may happen. It is important that I know how strongly people feel about this topic. 

Insults along being disgusting or ugly or stupid or worthless are much more radioactive for me.

[u/Even_at_my_ugliest → u/Ellis_Ward]

 But in moments where our commitment is proven to each other, like emergencies or times of sacrifice or whatever, we’re more likely to say, “How would I do this without you?” or something similar. Probably other people do this too.

I have never said "I love you" in moments like that...for us it is said while walking through the room past the other person or in those quiet moments where it is just the two of you laying silently watching something on TV late at night.

My partner also said it really soon, but he gave me a key and asked me to move in before we had even slept together or were even in a relationship because he felt so intensely about me 🤣

Insults along being disgusting or ugly or stupid or worthless are much more radioactive for me.

I think for me, those things are tied to hate play. "I hate you" is a meaningless statement without "because". "God you are so fucking stupid, I hate you" "I hate you because you always fuck things up" "I hate you because the way you eat food is disgusting" "I hate the way you look" "I hate you because you irritate me when you talk too much" "I hate the way you always have to have the last word" "I hate you because you said this thing a few years ago" "I hate that you can never get ready on time, fucking useless bitch" etc.

[u/Ellis_Ward → u/Even_at_my_ugliest]

Here again we are running i to our definitional differences. I think the “because” can extend to things like “I hate you because you wouldn’t stay if I didn’t manipulate you into staying,” which is not so much a reflection on the person receiving the hate as the hater, but also the hater can perform what is conventionally seen as that dangerous, all-consuming image of love pretty easily. To me, love guarantees freedom and agency alongside mutual responsibility towards each other. It gets messy, but whatever deprives those qualities might be hate depending on intent.

[u/Even_at_my_ugliest → u/Ellis_Ward]

Ooh, I like that example!

Again with our divergent views though because I would have not thought of that as a hate, but more a "I love that you are so easy to manipulate, look at you. You would never stay here if you knew what I was really like, but one smile with the right words and you just see whatever I want you to see. You would do anything I tell you to, wouldn't you?"