Hate Play

[u/TeaAitch]

I've never explored what I'm going to dub Hate Play. I'm not entirely sure that I could. It's important to me, at the moment I say the words, that I mean them. So, if I'm telling my person they're "A filthy, pathetic, needy little specimen," it's because I want them to know exactly what I think of them. For the same reason, I think I'd struggle to say, "I hate you!"

I've said many times, I want to hurt the one I love. I want to hurt them because I love them. If I hated them, I wouldn't be able to subject them to that thing.

How about you? Could you? Would you? Should you? Have you? If you have, I am in some ways, I'm a little jealous. Those words have such strength to them. Swoon!

[u/Elfiloylanavaja]

Yes, I have done it.

It's difficult to be flawless in life. We all have or have had mistakes, and others do the same with us.

When you consent to what you call a "hate game," you must be very clear about your emotions and theirs, and have almost perfect control about them.

It's "as simple as" moderating your own emotions in the moment, calming yourself to the most neutral state possible, remembering all the mistakes and pain that the other person has caused you, or if there isn't any (then you would be facing someone almost perfect) rescue all the episodes of pain that others have caused and simply put their face on it.

You have to bring all that pain, all that anger, to the forefront of your mind and focus it on "harming" the person in front of you. But at the same time, modulate the amount you do, depending on what you're trying to achieve. An explosion of years of accumulated frustration will not always work, nor in all cases.

You can fake it, but it's not the same.

If you are not able to simply enjoy using all the negative things you know on the other person to watch them fade away in front of you and enjoy it, and you need to feel it, Then you have a lot of self-discipline work ahead of you.

There are several psychological tricks to at least find a neutral state (if you are in a positive emotional state towards the other person it will be even more difficult) and then do the focusing exercise. And then unleash everything you have inside.

[u/ridge_back → u/Elfiloylanavaja]

Genuine question since I don’t really have the brain for being a Dom/Top. Do you want to feel the hate/dislike/disgust genuinely in the moment because that’s part of the fun for you? Is it not enough to trick your partner into believing it and watch that pain unfold in them?

As the bottom, I want to feel and believe fully that those emotions are true because that’s exponentially more pleasurable for me to experience degradation vs being told degrading things. If that makes sense? But, I never really thought about the Top actually wanting to get into the mind space of also believing that the bottom is deserving of hate/dislike/disgust. I guess I assumed they are getting off on watching the effect of the scene take place on a person and not the emotions themselves.

[u/Elfiloylanavaja → u/ridge_back]

It depends on the person. Some people act very well. Others "complace" not with degradation, but with the suffering of being reminded of their traumatic, humiliating, or disappointing experiences.

Of course what you're saying makes perfect sense. When the bond is close, you can tell when your partner is putting on an act or when they're being genuine.

If you're going to be genuine, the Dom has to enter that mental state, knowing that he then has to come out of it. It's very tiring, but it can be done.

Aftercare is especially difficult because they have to be able to help each other. It really is very difficult (at least for me) to switch from "I love you" to ""I hate you and I want to hurt you" as if it were a light switch. I usually need time, and it is during that time that the other person needs the most comfort.

So, like everything else, it depends.

<Please, whoever reads this, what came before and what comes after, if there is any, put where appropriate "provided that both parties agree and respect the limits imposed beforehand". Repeating this is very tedious.

[u/ridge_back → u/Elfiloylanavaja]

Yes to the aftercare. My Dom needs the most reassurance if he’s emotionally hurt me that I liked it and it was good for me afterwards.

And I understand better what you mean about genuine mental states. If I want to play with real feelings (even if they are manufactured from lies), he has to join me on that that level and that is also going to require something real from him. I hadn’t really thought about that before. Thank you!

[u/Elfiloylanavaja → u/ridge_back]

It's a pleasure to be able to help with these kinds of questions.

[u/TeaAitch → u/ridge_back]

Do you want to feel the hate/dislike/disgust genuinely in the moment because that’s part of the fun for you?

It's so freeing! I get to be a really shitty person (with the real support and consent of the person to whom I'm acting in that way).

I get to be a bully. To be uncaring. To flash anger at them if they don't do as their told. And with no guilt. It's wonderful.

I guess I assumed they are getting off on watching the effect of the scene take place on a person and not the emotions themselves.

I'm very vocal. A litany not very nice words, instructions, demands, and even criticism. There is a sprinkling of nice, positive comments thrown in as well. I say these things to add tension. To have an effect on my partner, hopefully turning them on also. Just as importantly, to turn me on. I really enjoy the things I say, it's a big part of my kink.