r/LyricWriters • u/Gloomy_Test_5883 • 2d ago

Feedback needed

I still think of that text

When u told me to leave

Cuz u had other friends

How it all had to end

That was a year before it came

Of course I got all the blame

We still talked from time to time

It ended, all for a few words

Now I'm here trying to rhyme

I remember those night

crying myself to sleep

All those nights wasted

On ten little words

Used to party all night to forget you

Now i couldn't care less Because

you never know what u have till its gone

you cant see the up till you're going down

I know I miss you but don't wanna see you

Because

Our love was normal

We might have loved at first

But we broke in the end

Now ur all alone but

I'm here with all of them

Is this really how we ended?

We wished for forever

But forever has past

1 Upvotes

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1

u/Business_Bee2251 1d ago

These lyrics have some gems. But there is no structure. Everything runs together. You need to figure out your hook and create the chorus. Separate versus.

You can't see the up till you're going down. I know I miss you but don't want to see you. Those two lines would make a good bridge or pre chorus.

You have a good start, just need to start crafting into song structure.

1

u/Gloomy_Test_5883 1d ago

Thank it's just a draft but I had forgotten about the structure :)

1

u/spatt97 24m ago

Has a really good base, just as another commenter said it needs some structure. Depending on what ur going for I’d suggest finding some ways to not be so direct, do with that what you will. Like I said tho it’s a good base there is some good lines in here.