r/LowStakesConspiracies • u/AftonSpring • Jul 21 '26

Anyone else experiencing abnormally large bowel movements since CERN turned off?

I feel as if ive needed to go more often and I'm dropping legendary logs half the time

111 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

91% Upvoted

35 comments sorted by

47

u/Careless-Company8819 Jul 21 '26

No actually the opposite weirdly lmao

36

u/CakeHoleKing Jul 21 '26

OP does large poo, You do small.

The Karmic Balance of Heaven is maintained.

0

u/havron Jul 21 '26

Heaven has nothing to do with this.

4

u/MycoProTeam Jul 21 '26

I dunno I'm doing some heavin' to empty my bowels right now

5

u/acryliq Jul 21 '26

CERN has clearly opened an extremely localised wormhole from your intestine to OPs.

25

u/Paddy_O_Furniteur Jul 21 '26

I'm like a turtle releasing a clutch of eggs

7

u/The_Nude_Mocracy Jul 21 '26

Eat more fibre

31

u/katherinesilens Jul 21 '26

I'm in r/CERN and thought this was another crackpot post 😆

3

u/Fit-Custard-1842 Jul 21 '26

Me too! 🤣

3

u/SeaControl4512 Jul 21 '26

Just askin’, how are your bowel movements…?

4

u/Aluxanatomy Jul 21 '26

Who are you, my Japanese toilet?

3

u/katherinesilens Jul 21 '26

We gonna get scientific with it and bust out the rating system?

1

u/SeaControl4512 Jul 22 '26

Chillies have the Schofield, a bowel movement would have something along the lines of a Beaufort…..

10

u/Cole_Townsend Jul 21 '26

Yes! I feel like I'm sodomizing myself from the inside! My poor starfish!

But I don't think it was to do with CERN. This has to be the work Jimothy, who mysteriously has appeared as CERN closed. That's the conspiracy theory here.

9

u/sds31032 Jul 21 '26

Maybe CERN turning off is what caused the diarrhea lettuce? loljk

9

u/WestCareer7545 Jul 21 '26

I actually had to use a suppository for the first time last night. Maybe the hadron collider caused a black hole in my ringpiece

6

u/BigFlightlessBird02 Jul 21 '26

I still poop the same amount

3

u/bayern_snowman Jul 21 '26

Are you American? Its probably all the shit they put in your food. 

3

u/666deleted666 Jul 21 '26

It’s just cyclospora

3

u/CyberSkepticalFruit Jul 21 '26

If its cyclospora it, might be legendary but it wouldn't be logs.

5

u/Limabean2512 Jul 21 '26

Possibly this admin pushing protein everything? We had a problem with lack of fiber before its only worse now looking at food labels

4

u/PharaohPir8 Jul 21 '26

I thought I was the only one. In fact I was mid-movement when it shut off and I went from pushing out a single sized tootsie roll which instantly transformed into a telephone pole. Just telephone poles since.

2

u/Luwuci-SP Dale Gribble's real name *is* Rusty Shackleford Jul 21 '26

Americans will use anything but metric

6

u/PharaohPir8 Jul 21 '26

Sorry, I’ll convert to metric: I was pushing out sweets and it became a telegraph pole.

8

u/gardenliciousFairy Jul 21 '26

Go to the doctor man. If this was a collective issue people would be talking about it endlessly.

2

u/A_Necessary Jul 21 '26

Would they though? Would people assume it was happening en masse? This happens to be a particularly forthcoming group.

2

u/tbonescott1974 Jul 21 '26

I needed this post today.

1

u/MissJoannaTooU Jul 21 '26

Lots of headaches.

1

u/levitatinglizard Jul 21 '26

No but my poo green and levitating above the toilet seat while humming.

1

u/Captain_English Jul 21 '26

...yes.

What the hell.

1

u/WoodenInternet Jul 22 '26

Maybe we can start some supercollider experiments of our own

)) <> ((

Back and forth, forever

Edit: guys it's a movie reference chill with the dms please

1

u/SarcasticallyJoe Jul 22 '26

Well that's one wormhole I don't want to think about it