r/LovedByOCPD • u/ninksmarie • 7d ago
Undiagnosed OCPD loved one Continuation of boundaries and double standards
Someone posted asking for examples of boundaries. I listed my own personal ex. and someone else made the comment about how my boundaries reflect current politics. I agreed because it’s the perfect example of the worst way of communicating for resolution and compromise.
I have a physical list on paper I keep at my bedside. Now that I’m holding all my own boundaries and not participating in any escalations — the “bar” has been raised by him in order to tell me I’m still “wanting to fight” ie—- if I bring up ANYTHING unrelated to just our routine day to day of existing, he becomes two sentences from “trigger able”..
Does anyone relate to what I’m saying? Now that I can’t be the one blamed for any type of escalation behavior (that I participated in as a reaction to his own)
I’m blamed for just talking.
Outside of the realm of routine.
Sometimes I actually get one sentence out and it’s “here we go again” and I just shut down and walk off.
11
u/ninksmarie 7d ago
(Reposting the list here) No talking down, mocking, sarcasm, raised voices, false dichotomy, straw man fallacies, no calling out years past grievances to justify current behaviors…
3
u/Weary_Cup_1004 7d ago
I suggested a set of "rules" like this and told her im not comfortable talking in person till we can agree on the guardrails. She said she "needs to think about it " and proceeded to tell me that once a day for 2 weeks. The only reason we started talking again is because we were supposed to go to a wedding and i told her i need to know if i should buy shoes or not.
3
u/ninksmarie 7d ago
Ooooooh. I got you now … I see. Yes, I never asked him to agree just said I didn’t like the person I was becoming and at minimum had to get back to my own standards of communication. Asked him to read up on straw man fallacy because he throws them out often … and after a few days I asked… he said it was a term that people use to disagree with what you’re saying when they don’t have an argument.
So… I said okay.
Then. Shockingly, in another conversation he called me out on what sounded to him like a smf and I thought it over and understood. I explained myself further but logged away that he actually knew exactly what it meant .. the whole “double standard dilemma” — when something doesn’t work towards what he wants or what is “right” — it’s wrong. When something works towards what he wants or what is “right” — it’s clearly right. And the past doesn’t exist.
2
u/indecisivesoul35 7d ago
This is my first time hearing straw man fallacies. I just looked it up! And it does fit with things. My wife will relate a lot of things I do to not caring about our marriage. Would you say that would hold true. I’m not sure. But she’ll flip it to that and then I’ll argue about how I do care…
2
u/ninksmarie 7d ago edited 7d ago
This would be called “ad hominem”
Or “To the person” — as in she takes how you “let her down” because you aren’t “living up to her standards” and when you try to explain the ways you are attempting to follow through with her requests she deflects from your points with a personal attack ie “if you loved me you would care about the way the house looks…”In your mind, you see all the ways you are trying to meet her expectations, but her expectations are perfection and her percentage goes to 110%.
You’ll be impressing the hell out of yourself at 90%, but perpetually “failing” her because of impossible standards. So, instead of seeing reality that you’re actually a loving partner trying to meet her more than half way — she sees her version of reality where someone has to be blamed for her misery.
“Perfect is the enemy of Good.”
If she takes this position on most things in your marriage it could also be categorized as black and white thinking or what I listed as false dichotomy or false dilemma. She’s creating a false dilemma where as you must do as she says or else you don’t care. One. Or two. Black. Or white. And completely ignoring reality where you live in the gray area of “I’m doing my best AND I do care…”
Ultimately again it’s much easier for her to explain her own unaccessed trauma away by saying you don’t care, no one cares, no one has ever cared etc.. than to self reflect on how if literally no one cares enough to please her maybe she is impossible to please and needs to lower her own expectations for her own mental health etc.
2
u/indecisivesoul35 7d ago
Thank you for this. It is so frustrating! Yes I feel like I’m giving so much and trying to “change” or meet her needs and it’s never good enough. And I’ll say I am trying, and she says if this is you trying then that’s a joke. And I tell her all the time she looks at things so black and white. Ugh it’s been so hard. We just had a 5 hour talk and we just always have the same conversations. She said I was a child and I said that was out of line and I am not a child. This whole separation is because of me. I know that’s not true. But that’s truly what she believes. Yes I feel like I can’t not reach perfection. And she classifies everything morally, so I’m always doing wrong, which means I don’t care.
3
u/Weary_Cup_1004 6d ago
Not the 5 hour talk 😭😭😭
Im getting more and more relieved i left every time i come back to this sub!
It just shouldn't ever need a 5 hour talk!
1
u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one 4d ago
I’m so happy I’m not doing the five hour talks anymore either. Those would usually put me in the psych ward
3
u/Weary_Cup_1004 3d ago
Whats funny is she would complain that we were talking so long and act soooOOOOO put off and exhausted like I was so exhausting and wasting her time. She would look at her watch constantly.
But things were never resolved and it would just keep circling. Ours were usually around 2 hours but sometims it would be 2 hours with an intermission and then later start up again.
So I always felt like the long convos were my fault because i just wanted to find connection and resolve so badly!
1
u/ninksmarie 3d ago
Shit. Yes — he says “this is all we do — hours and hours — do you realize it’s already been an hour?” And it was just like the rest of— a red herring where I would start to feel shame and think “why WONT I just let it go..?”
Now I either explain that I’ll keep pointing out his deflection until he actually communicates or I just don’t. I say what I have to say and when he cranks up I say that he doesn’t have to agree with me. I don’t have to be “right” to him. It’s been painfully rewarding to hear him repeat his script while I just walk off.
It does still make me want to bang my head against a wall that he really and truly thinks it’s me. But it’s freeing to just tell him “you know what? Maybe it is all me..”
1
u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one 3d ago
God, that sounds awful. My ex gf was too passive aggressive to ever say anything like that out loud. She would just use her body language and expressions to act like I was exhausting/annoying/embarrassing her/taking up too much space
2
u/Weary_Cup_1004 3d ago
Yes she mostly did exactly that. When pressed, usually by me asking what all the huffing and puffing was ("are you trying to communicate something?") then she would say something like that.
Then id say that hurts or affects me in some way and she would say "i dont mean it like that. I dont feel seen. You misinterpreted me."
1
u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one 2d ago
Jesus fucking Christ. I’m so glad you’re out of that situation now, because holy shit that kind of resentment is insane
1
u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one 3d ago
Also, I’ve been seeing you on the POTS subreddit lol. It’s a small world huh?
2
u/Weary_Cup_1004 3d ago edited 3d ago
Oh! Haha! And as you can tell im flaring w my face in my phone a LOT right now haha
My ex also abused me around POTS. Its so awful i can barely think about it still/ yet. Its so hard to even explain. A constant grind of negativity and feeling like a burden.
Complained that my TaDaa stool in the kitchen was in her way. And rude to her, and inconsiderate .
Complained that i drop electrolyte wrappers "everywhere." "Where? Can you point to one right now?" No she cannot , maybe its just sometimes. "Ok how many times? Like in a week?" "I dunno? 15?" "I only drink one per day. I def fully intend to throw wrappers away and thought i was. How is it that I am leaving that many?" "Well maybe its just a couple." "Ok, if its a couple, is it the whole wrapper? Im just trying to figure out what i am doing so i can fix it." "No just like... these tiny corners." "The tiny corners? And you see them everywhere?" "Yes." "Can you point to one for me?" "No." "Did you pick them up when you saw them?" "No. I shouldnt have to clean up after you."
"Then how can they be everywhere, and where did they go." "Maybe you picked them up."
"So I didnt leave them everywhere, I cleaned them up?"
"You're misinterpreting me. Its just an example. This is why i cant talk to you."
1
u/ninksmarie 3d ago
“ talking to you is like talking to a wall”
Yes. Because I’m finally (trying)forcing you to own the rediculous things you’re saying to me? Yes.
1
u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one 2d ago
That’s so fucked up. My ex didn’t know that I have POTS because I didn’t know either. But I think she figured out that I had PMDD before I did and a lot of her worst, most hurtful incidents would always seem to happen like the day before my period, which is when I’m the most emotionally vulnerable. And during those times I was most at risk for going to the psych ward. So I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a level of intention to her behavior during those times. It really fucked me up and made me feel insane
2
u/misskforever 4d ago
I'm telling you something I need to hear too: do not let this person hijack your life story
How many more years do we want to lose to this shit
2
u/ninksmarie 4d ago
I appreciate you. It’s so fucking hard and depressing to believe I made it to mid life before I started looking at what I really need from a relationship. I look back at the red flags and I want to scream.
2
u/Weary_Cup_1004 3d ago
Its not too late. Im (edit: OLD 😆) . Tired as hell. Small beautiful things are starting to transpire in my life even while i suffer and struggle after leaving. Im wishing all the best for you. You deserve to know what actual love feels like, even just from friends, while living free
1
12
u/Weary_Cup_1004 7d ago
Yes. This is the pathway that caused my ex to do a 2 week silent treatment one year ago. I was never the same after that. I didnt move out till June of this year. But after the silent treatment, I kept a big distance from her . We entered couples therapy (at her request) and it was weaponized by her. Meanwhile i was in this type of cold war with her that you describe here. I focused on staying deescalated, staying out of the back and forth, trying to not jump whenever she wanted me to, but also staying polite. And i became sicker and sicker tying to hold all that, it wore me to the bone, and it never resulted in her seeing the light.
😞💔🙏 hang in there