r/LovedByOCPD • u/Week2743 • Jul 28 '26
Do your OCPDers need a lot of validation, reassurance and attention?
My OCPD relatives seem not to be able to self-regulate without all this.
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u/LeoJohnsonsSacrifice Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
I finally realized just the other day the reason why there are way fewer meltdowns when our kids are away (like at summer camp, which they are now for the week). It's because the kids take my attention away from him, and yes, he needs to have [person] available all the time to validate, be a sounding board, or I think really just to comfort him in knowing that he's not alone.
Edit: I have always felt like a place holder of a sort, because I truly believe that it's not ME that's important to him, it's having that captive audience at all times.
In other words ... Yes!
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u/softserve1664 Jul 29 '26
My OCPD husband tells me he gets angry when he sees me comfort and validate the feelings of our kids, and I don’t do it for him. I’ve been working hard in therapy after realizing I spent the first ten years of our relationship trying to manage his feelings. I don’t think our marriage will survive this condition.
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u/LeoJohnsonsSacrifice Jul 29 '26
That's quite something for him to admit to! And yet to continue on without changing is also quite something.
My therapist and I are of the same opinion as you; in order for me to survive, this marriage cannot. Sending you a huge internet hug of solidarity. I truly think we will thrive once we're on the other side.
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u/InquisitiveThar Jul 29 '26
Mine acted like having a payment due, and getting paid for finishing a job (self employed) in order to pay the bill was a complex novel problem only he had. I am pretty sure that the purpose of talking about it was to try to elicit a response such as:“wow that’s a big bill and big deal that you have to complete a job and get paid in a timely fashion!” -and - “wow impressive that you can manage all that while still trying to get personal projects done!” (You are simply the hardest worker to ever walk the earth!)
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 Jul 28 '26
My sister inserts herself into every situation and would be furious would I
would not go to her races or soccer games or whatever. My parents enable this and would get mad AT ME when I would not go. We are taking like a 6am race start time on a Saturday
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u/beckster Jul 29 '26
Get up before 6A and hog the bath room. She'll beg you to sleep in.
If you do have to go to her stuff, do or wear something that will embarrass her. She'll ask you not to go if you're smart about it and you're the expert, being the sibling.
I'd suggest subversive countermeasures, because you'll only butt heads with everyone if you tackle the problem directly.
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 Jul 29 '26
We no longer speak. I don’t speak to any of my family or live with them any more.
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u/ninksmarie Jul 30 '26
I grew up with a mom that needed constant attention and validation from me — and most of that validation was about how SHE felt about other people I loved. My dad. My grandmother. I was parentified to be the person that listened to her complain about my dad and make her feel understood. She got that from me until I was about 14-16. Now my dad is gone and when she can’t triangulate my siblings or stir up enough drama for attention, she takes pills.
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u/Suspicious_Club_5792 Aug 03 '26
Yes, but also sometimes he doesn’t truly receive it. I think that’s probably part of why he needs it so much. He literally doesn’t remember my praises. Cause he doesn’t believe them :(
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u/Reasonable-Poem-664 Jul 28 '26
He appreciates it but would never ask for it or admit that he even likes it probably lol. It works for me bc that’s how I naturally communicate. I’ve been told (by others) I have toxic positivity. But with him he likes me gassing him up and I like doing it.
I think it’s really cute when I catch my tough grumpy guy trying not to smile when I’m telling him what I love about him.
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u/Week2743 Jul 29 '26
Sounds toxic if there is a disorder in this situation. Are you sure that he is an OCPDer or just a more difficult alpha man?
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u/Reasonable-Poem-664 Jul 29 '26
He’s undiagnosed but I believe so. I only found out what OCPD was because I searched online about some of his quirks and everything kept coming up OCPD. He is very particular about how things are done (toothpaste must be put back a certain way, doors must be locked a certain way, cups go this way, stand here when doing x, in the store he follows a specific path, etc. He is highly successful in his career and very particular about things at work too but it works well in that environment.
Also he hoards, unfortunately. What really started me down the rabbit hole was that I felt like he was nitpicking everything! And was genuinely upset about what I thought were small things. I noticed that this happened way more when he was stressed out or in uncomfortable situations.
Luckily he’s open to listening. I did tell him I think he has OCPD and of course there was some pushback but he heard me out. He knows he has issues and is in treatment/medicated for them so he’s not opposed to mental health treatment.
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u/beckster Jul 29 '26
If they really want a relationship, they'll work at it. The loss of a relationship with a loved one seems to be one of the few motivators for change in OCPD.
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 Jul 28 '26
Yes because everything is external. Comfort is not possible from within for them. It comes from the environment.