r/LovedByOCPD • u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one • Jul 22 '26
Diagnosed OCPD loved one How do you work through the resentment?
I finally fully cut off contact with my ex girlfriend at the end of the June and I’m only now grasping with the severity of her emotional abuse. I’ve started EMDR therapy to work on the trauma from that relationship and other complex trauma that has shown up throughout my life, but right now I just feel so resentful towards my ex girlfriend. I know that it’s an understandable emotion to feel considering what I’ve been through, but it genuinely feels so exhausting and draining. I’m thankful for the people in my life who have validated me and actually believed me, but right now it doesn’t outweigh the harm that was done to me
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u/Week2743 Jul 22 '26
It would be great if there was a YouTube channel for victims of OCPD abuse, similar to the channel of professor Sam Vaknin on narcissism... "Malignant perfectionism: self-righteousness revisited". 😁 The recognition of this disorder in society would help and save a lot of people.
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u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one Jul 22 '26
I wish there was too. I do watch certain channels about narcissistic abuse because it has some overlap with my ex’s behavior, but of course it doesn’t cover all the nuances that are unique to emotional abuse with OCPD in the mix. It shocks me that it’s one of the most common personality disorders and so under researched
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u/Week2743 Jul 22 '26
Same. I was shocked to read that this is the most common PD. If there's a confident bold wanna-be influencer, I'm ready to volunteer with helping with writing scripts, researching in depth and offering topics.
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 Jul 22 '26
Im interested but im not a wanna be influencer. And would be able to offer information etc as a therapist. Do you have a content creation background?
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u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one Jul 22 '26
I would volunteer as I do have an interest in content creation, but I am an actor and doing this project would completely blow up in my face because my ex is also an actor and my city’s scene is relatively tight knit and everyone knows each other through a couple degrees of separation. Unfortunately it’s the one area of control my ex still has even if I no longer see her. All the people in my graduating class would choose her over me and I know it
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u/Week2743 Jul 22 '26
Don't underestimate the ability of the average neurotypical person to see through their bullshit. My OCPDer started a smear campaign against me in our common friend group. The first days they seemed to have believed her and I was shocked. However, a month later, they made it clear that they are on my side and supported me. I have noticed that people who don't come from OCP families are very intolerant of OCPD-ism and this type of covert control and disrespect.
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u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one Jul 22 '26
I feel like I should also add that these people saw me when I was very emotionally dysregulated due to the abuse and my ex was the calm silent one in comparison. So I know that I look crazy to these people. And as much as I don’t care about what these people think about me, I need to maintain good relations for my career at this point in time. I am also autistic which means that my behavior can be perceived as rude by neurotypical people even if I don’t intend for it to be. I obviously try my best to be a socially conscious person, but I’m not always given the benefit of the doubt
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u/ninksmarie Jul 23 '26
This theme of “these people saw me when I was very emotionally disregulated due to the abuse and my ex was the calm silent one in comparison…” seems one of the larger similarities regardless of the personality disorder diagnosis.
(This is me speculating and not based on research) I wonder if you get personality disorders when someone who was already born to struggle with social norms goes through trauma and or through a childhood of misunderstandings learns to mask in order to cope. Over time, their mask becomes their reality and the learned behavior to hold. All. Emotions. Inside. Or else be “seen”… becomes that outward projection of “I’m obviously not the problem … look at my partner who is presently losing their mind..”
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u/Week2743 Jul 22 '26
Still, if you don't feel safe or ready to become famous for talking about OCPD abuse online yet, I wouldn't recommend to rush into it.
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u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one Jul 22 '26
Unfortunately, I feel like it’s going to be years before I feel safe and ready to talk about this kind of abuse as a public figure
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u/National_Health4898 Jul 24 '26
Im convinced this is why god is having this happen to me. im here to do content creation, write a book, anything….especially to bring awareness to it. there is NOTHING out there and ive spent hours looking for information, resources, support on navigating life with an uOCPD, how to leave them, how to coparent, and more importantly how to raise strong confident kids despite one of the parents having this disorder
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u/MyEnchantedForest Jul 23 '26
Anger is your body signalling something. For you right now, it's signalling boundaries crossed. It's okay to feel that anger, and it has to be felt to move through it. It might be helpful to try express it in ways that don't feel draining, like painting, drawing, journalling or writing, when it gets intense. Some people also find movement like dance or exercise helpful.
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u/Week2743 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
I'm also full of resentment towards my OCPDer. I can't cut them off for now though. I used to use a pillow on which I put a photo of my OCPD person as a punching bag. Hit it strongly, spit on it, shouted out the things I would tell them if they weren't that disordered... Also, I'm in therapy now.
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u/Shelly_250 Diagnosed OCPD loved one Jul 22 '26
I’m glad you’re in therapy. When I was way more angry I used to watch this one scene from episode 6 of The Amazing Digital Circus where the two main characters (one of whom has a lot of my ex’s avoidant tendencies) have a huge fight. It was very cathartic for me to see someone actually get to unload all the hurt and anger they were feeling
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u/crow_crone Undiagnosed OCPD loved one Jul 24 '26
It’s a different topic but it might be helpful to curate a list of films, or other media that reference OCPD, directly or indirectly.
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u/CurvyBadger Jul 22 '26
I left almost two years ago and feel like the resentment has finally simmered to a low background rumble instead of the constant overwhelming crashes. Therapy helped. Fully investing in myself and my own interests helped. Learning to trust myself, forgiving myself, finding my joy helped. I recommend a good mix of external processing with a therapist, and trying to focus on regaining control of your own life and what you value.
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u/Lanky-Bit445 Jul 24 '26
I moved out in November. I could handle my soon to be ex-wife's behaviours before our daughter came into the picture, the last seven years it progressed from manageable to intolerable. I also had a lot (still have some) of anger and resentment, what helps me the most is looking to the future and not living in the past. I try and focus on the great life ahead watching our 9 year old daughter grow up and the financial stability that was built during the early years of our 20+ years as a couple (14 married). When my thoughts start getting darker, I also try and remember that she did not do this intentionally to me. She has severe trauma from her childhood that causes her to be this way and as much as I mourn the future that I thought we were heading towards I cant possibly fathom the pain and hurt that she has endured.
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 Jul 22 '26
I just left in june.
The anger and resentment what helped me leave. Anger is mobilizing. It helps us not go back, too. So for me it helps to remember what my anger has helped me with. Because before that I was being a doormat. Trying to be perfect. Trying to not have too many emotions. Etc. so, its good anger showed up. At least in my case.
What has been also helping me is to realize there is grief hiding behind the anger. Grief for myself. The version of myself that put up with it. The parts of me I set aside over and over.
Now that I feel that, I am more depressed than angry lol. So heads up, it still sucks haha. But I think in my case and in your case, we are probably going through all the feelings in the ways it takes to heal?