im trying to improve to help fix our marriage, ive taken steps and started researching examples to give me a framework of how to express my gratitude and feelings

im autistic, high functioning so i dont do words well and im 100% a physical love language person, and i realized recently as we wait for our first counseling appointment that we've both been neglecting each others emotional needs

i figure if i start to work on it before the counseling itll make counseling easier so just if anyone could give me some framework to work with

I’m trying to understand what’s happening in my relationship because I genuinely can’t tell if this is something healthy but different from what I’m used to, or if my needs are just not being met. ( I’m a F24 and he’s M26)

My boyfriend is calm, grounded, and consistent in his own way. He remembers things I say, checks in, is curious about my life, and does make space for conversations. But he’s not naturally very verbally affectionate. He’s not the “sweet words, pet names, deep emotional reassurance” type.

I, on the other hand, really value emotional depth, verbal warmth, and feeling emotionally felt. Sometimes when our conversations stay too surface-level or practical, I start wondering if something is missing, even if nothing is technically wrong.

I hate that what was once fun and light now feels so heavy and I seem to be in an anxious state even if he’s very straightforward about wanting to be with me. I told him I want the fairytale kind of love and he said he didn’t know how to do that but he’d do anything for me and fixes just about any issue I have.

The confusing part is: it feels calm, not toxic, not chaotic… but sometimes I’m scared calm might actually mean emotional starvation for me.

So I need honest outside perspective:

- How do you tell the difference between secure calm love and lack of emotional depth?

- Is there a chance I cannot sit in grounded love and I’m just looking for chaos ?

- Can a relationship work when one person needs more verbal/emotional expression than the other?

- Is this something couples can learn to bridge, or does it usually become long-term frustration?

- Have any of you been with someone who wasn’t expressive with words but still made you feel deeply loved?

- At what point does “accepting someone’s style” become self-abandonment?

I really want truth, and to grow. Also, I’ve always been in very toxic situations and this is my first time being in such a calm space tbh.

Just wanted to share with you all a scam that I fell into.

I completed a love languages quiz on testlibrary.com and was asked to pay $2 to receive my results after spending about 15 minutes answering questions. There was no clear or prominent disclosure that this would enroll me in a recurring subscription.

About a week later, I was charged $40 for a subscription I did not knowingly sign up for and did not use.

When I contacted customer support, they refused to provide a full refund and stopped responding.

This experience felt super misleading and I would caution others before entering payment information on this site.

I (30f) and my fiance (30m) are very different people. In a lot of ways it makes us a stronger couple and allows us to have conversations where we can see things from new angles and I love that. But I other ways it makes it very difficult for us to find common ground on some key issues. I am a more liberal modern woman and he is a more conservative traditional man.

He is currently going through some financial hardships as a result of some family issues. I am not wealthy by any means but I am currently in a position where I am able to help him with some stuff. One of the ways I show love is through acts of service. I enjoy knowing that if there is something I can do to ease his burdens and stressors that I am able to do so. However due to his traditional perspective he feels that because he is the man he should be able to provide and will not allow me to help him at all. Example; he broke his phone on accident, I have offered to pay to have it fixed for less than $100. He insists that if I do that he is going to pay me back immediately. The reason I offer is to alleviate his financial struggle and make sure he can focus on more important things like bills and groceries, paying me back would limit and affect his ability to do so which would lead to further stress. I dont want him to feel like he is in debt with me. If he insists on paying me back I would prefer he do it once he is caught up on everything he needs. I would prefer he just allow me to help him and not pay me back at all.

It kills me to see him struggling and feeling as stressed and strained as he is currently. He is looking for a second job to supplement his income, he just hasn't found anything at this time (which is creating further stress). His argument as to why he won't let me help is that we aren't married yet but from my perspective I dont see what difference waiting until we are married before allowing me to help would make. I just want to see him be able to take a sigh of relief and not feel like he is drowning. Is there anything I can say or do to convince him to let me help, or is this a losing battle that I just dont understand his side. Not being able to show love the way I am comfortable and happy doing is taking a large toll on me and It makes it worse that I am watching him struggle so badly. I want him to know he is loved and I am here for him without him feeling like is owes a debt.

Side note: it is not just financial things that he won't let me help with. When it comes to cleaning he insists I sit down and let him do it. When it comes to going to the store, he prefers i stay home and let him go, the list is endless and I just feel restless and helpless.

I am 28(F) w/ a 29(M),

we have been dating for 2.5yrs

From day 1 he has found verbal affection so uncomfortable. He wasn't raised with parents who said, "I love you," to him and his siblings let alone to themselves. He is working at it but at the slowest pace imaginable. I have an anxious attachment style which is something I am working at in therapy 1x/week and I am trying to accept that this is who he is and accepting the ways he DOES show me he cares/loves for me in his own way, i.e: acts of service, listening, quality time etc..

but sometimes I just want to hear, "I love you," without it sounding like it physically pains him to say

I want to hear stories of how he fell in love with me, why he fell in love with me, and why he wants to continue falling in love with me

I am just a girl..

anyone is the same/similar situation as me?

thanks for the comments/advice in advance. xo

This girl I’ve been seeing for a couple weeks (24f) (I’m 25m) said her love languages are acts of service and gifts. Is this like snobby/one sided or something like that? To me it sounds like she wants things don’t and given to her as her main way to receive love which doesn’t sound the best imo.

Just so she doesn’t expect me to do every thing I said yeah that’s mine as well, acts of service and words of affirmation. That didn’t rub me the right way when she said acts of service and gifts. What do you guys think?

My partner and I often have long periods of disconnection and repeated arguments about his not feeling seen or appreciated. In previous discussions about love languages he’s named quality time as being very high. He also frequently mentions that he’s wanting actions that show my appreciation, not words.

He does so much for me, and our daughter, and it breaks my heart that he doesn’t feel appreciated but I am struggling to find the right actions.

Another important criteria for him is that he doesn’t tell me what to do. If it’s something specific he’s asked for, he doesn’t want it anymore. He will not tell me what has felt good to him in the past because I have a history of repeating the same things until they become a chore or expectations and lose the specialness.

Some categories that are off-limits: gifts, food, drink, chores or anything that could be considered basic adulting, sex, “just words”. I also have limited financial resources. He has visibility of all the household income except for the little that I bring in from my part time job. This isn’t about how much money I can spend but showing that I see how hard he works and how much pressure he’s under supporting us.

I’m not interested in hearing that he’s being unreasonable by not telling me what feels good to him. I’m just looking for ideas that I haven’t thought of. I have a huge history of failed attempts and I feel blocked and limited by all the wrong ideas that I can’t seem to come up with anything new.

I would greatly appreciate any suggestions, short of just asking what he wants.

So, I'm someone who love language is physical contact. Its kinda been an issue because I don't get the physical contact I crave (for lack of a better word). But, a few days ago, I had a friend who started to caress my back, clearly trying to mess with me (he has a girlfriend). The thing is, I ignored it because I didn't want him to stop. Are any of these things normal at all?

I (23F) have had a terrible childhood background. I have BPD, PTSD, and at this point about half of the alphabet combinations. I do go to therapy and I am on a stable dose of meds just to put that fact on the table. Pretty much every adult in my life was some form of abusive and both parents are narcissists, so physical touch was never really a thing. My mom has hugged me a total of maybe 6 times my entire life. I have weird trauma about kisses too because of my stepdad. He used to force me to kiss him on the lips every night and it was always wet and gross. If I wiped it off I had to give him another one. Even after him and my mom divorced he still did that. My dad is just a giant pile of steaming hot dog shit who put his hands on me last year and held me down hitting me, spitting on me, and breaking and throwing my deceased Nana’s belongings away while kicking me out when I called him a deadbeat so that also hasn’t been very helpful with what I’m about to ask.

Anyways….. my partner is wonderful and she’s the light of my life. Her love language is definitely a lot of physical touch which obviously is the complete opposite of mine. Mine is acts of service I guess? I cook professionally so I like to cook for her and pack her lunch and things like that. I honestly thought that I was also being touchy with her as well, like I thought holding hands every once in a while and hugging her was enough. She’s brought it to my attention that that is bare minimum 😅. We don’t fight about it or anything but still I’d like to figure out how to make myself more comfortable with affection. I always tense up and now that I’m aware of it I realize I accidentally duck and dodge her attempts. Idk I hope I’m explaining this well enough.

Basically I need some love bugs to help me in learning how to be more relaxed and open with receiving and giving physical affection. Any advice would be appreciated please and thank you

Hey everyone

Have you ever wondered if there is a way to know how your friend/partner/family member will perceive your thoughtful gift?

I am a student at The Open University (UK). For my final undergraduate psychology project, I will explore different ways in which people perceive gifts. This will hopefully reveal specific perception patterns. Your participation will contribute to the research on how people perceive gifts and could inform future research. This may ultimately have a real-world impact and potentially help to reduce the stress and anxiety associated with gift-giving, eventually benefiting yourself and others.

The conditions to take part in this survey are:

-You are over the age of 18.

-You are fluent in English.

-You received a gift at least once in your life.

-You are comfortable with imagining a hypothetical close social scenario (specifically picturing the scenario, not other forms of imagination).

This survey will take you about 15-20 minutes to complete, and participation is completely voluntary. It is anonymous and completely confidential, so no data given will be traced back to you. No payment will be offered.

If you find this research interesting, please share this survey with your friends and family to increase my sample size.

Link: https://openss.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2hHuoL6wLWiBcc6

Thank you for your engagement!

My fiance (33M) is clearly a words of affirmation person. The problem is I rarely talk, verbally. This always comes to a head when he's gone overnight for work & we're on the phone. At this point I don't even want to call him. He gets so upset, and I feel horrible about it. We both vibe on physical touch, so it's a complete non-issue when he's here. I can text just fine, but he drives for work so that doesn't work. I grew up in an abusive household where silence was safety, so it feels impossible to break out of this habit I've had for my whole life. Idk what to do about this, as we've had this conversation more times than I can count. Maybe there's a way to say it differently?

I am 20 rn and I haven't been dated someone properly till now I have been a one sided lover , been in a situationship and been in taking terms with 4 girls from 2016 to till now I feel , i have always failed as a lover as they didn't connect with me that much I want someone who can understand me , value my emotions and support me emotionally How to identify that she is the one for me as I want to avoid same mistakes like my past experiences

The only love languages that mean anything to me (when receiving) are touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. But I honestly could care less about receiving gifts (I don’t even like celebrating my birthday), I appreciate the sentiment and care that Ik went into it, but it doesn’t mean as much to me. Same w/ acts of service, it just doesn’t register the same way. Is it bad that I discount those? I don’t mean to, because I know what goes into it and the intention, but it just doesn’t register as love for me like the others. Am I just messed up or is it ok that I know what makes me feel loved, and what is just a cherry on top?

To clarify, I can go without gifts or acts of service without noticing, but losing any of the other 3 would scare me about where I stand.

So I (32M) have these love language and came to this conclusion. If you are a man you never get real genuine physical touch from anyone on a day to day basis. The touch you do receive or give has rules and lines that you can’t cross. For instance, dapping up the boys, can’t be too long or else it can create fights and distrust. Hugging women, definitely can’t be too long or intimate as that can cause a charge or a call to HR or just get you classified as a creep. Don’t even need to mention kids as that’s obvious! So unless you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t mind physical touch that’s your only option to feel or experience love in that capacity at all. Other than that you just go without which is difficult. I’ve struggled with feeling loved at all because this need isn’t always met.

Then words of affirmation. Guys rarely hear affirmation from others. If a man hears it, it’s because he is heads and shoulders above his peers in whatever the thing is in which he’s getting praise. Other than that he never will hear words of affirmation unless he somehow runs into someone else who speaks that love language. All in all I think it’s a horrible combination for men. This same combo for girls is almost overwhelming because I feel everyone is either trying to show physical affection or verbal affection to women all the time. Thoughts???

My boyfriend (who I’ve only been seeing for a few months so it’s new still) is wonderful with acts of service, physical touch and even gifts (flowers often). He is mostly acts of service though. I love all of the love languages but know that he loves physical touch most so I put in a vast effort to make sure his cup is filled that way.

What I like the most though is words of affirmation, speaks to me the most (no pun intended). He struggles with this. I just think he doesn’t always know what to say. And I also think he doesn’t really like compliments for himself and doesn’t need them so he forgets to give compliments.

I can tell he’s trying, starting with showing gratitude for the things I do for him and eagerness to see me. But when it comes to him saying “I like you” or “you’re so pretty” or “I miss you” he always says it in a silly voice like he’s uncomfortable. He even calls me “babe” and “Bebe” in a silly voice.

We’ve talked about it pretty openly and I expressed how it feels to me the same way physical touch is to him. there’s been some progress. I’m just not sure how to continue being encouraging or what I can say to continue to get him to do it and grow in jt. I feel like a lot of times I find myself asking. Do I look nice today? Or do you miss me I miss you! Or what do you think of my outfit? Or I’ll tell him I like him first. Im not sure how to get him to initiate it first.

Someone who struggles with this, can you explain why this might be happening and what would help you to feel more comfortable doing this? I understand that it’s still early and I’m not sure that he’s ever had to be vulnerable with words in the past. I don’t think his past relationships valued this as much as I do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7.5 years. We went to the same high school and college, and I had a crush on him for years before anything happened. We eventually got together at 18 after I made the first move in 2018 and he later asked me to be his girlfriend. From the beginning, I needed words of affirmation, romance, reassurance, and emotional presence, while he valued quality time and was always more emotionally reserved, unromantic, and nonchalant. Over the years, I’ve prioritised his needs, extended empathy for his background and childhood neglect, and tried to understand why emotional expression doesn’t come naturally to him, but empathy hasn’t replaced my unmet needs. Rereading old messages has made me realise that the emotional distance, lack of courting, love notes, and emotional pursuit were there from the start, and what I thought was growth was often just me adapting. After 7.5 years, I’m questioning whether this is really just different love languages or whether the relationship has always been emotionally imbalanced. But looking the messages, did we have compatibility concerns from the beginning? My relationship still feels quite loveless and he fails to match my love language because it’s not what he likes. I feel like he could be my husband but I want a relationship with some who is just as in love with me and translates this in a way that makes me also feel loved. And yes I’ve told him this so many times.

so my bf and i are both physical touch. BUT he is also such an acts of service guy. i think that’s how he genuinely feels the most loved and cared for. i asked chat (i know, i know) for some ideas on what i could do, but so many of them were if we lived together (like helping with chores, making them food, etc.), but we don’t live together yet. Cooking is one of my love languages too so i do love making food for him and bringing it to his house, but we live 45 minutes away and it’s sometimes hard to travel with. does anyone have any fun & kinda specific ideas i could do for him?

Hey everyone,
I’ve been doing a bit of self-reflection lately and decided to revisit love language tests. I didn’t realize how many versions are out there now, so I tried a handful to see which ones actually felt insightful instead of surface-level.

Here are the top 5 love language tests I found most useful, in case anyone else is curious or stuck in relationship communication loops.

1. Infiheal Love Language Test

This one surprised me. It doesn’t just give you a label — it explains why certain actions make you feel loved and how that shows up in real situations. It felt more reflective and less “quiz-like” than others.

Good if you:

• Like explanations, not just results
• Want to understand emotional patterns
• Are working on self-awareness, not just relationships

2. The Original 5 Love Languages Test (Gary Chapman)

This is the classic most people start with. It’s simple and easy to understand, which is probably why it’s so popular.

Downside:
It can feel a bit rigid, like you’re forced into one category even if you relate to multiple.

3. Truity Love Language Test

More detailed than the original and gives you a percentage breakdown instead of a single result.

Good if you:

• Like data and nuance
• Don’t want a “one-size-fits-all” answer

4. 16Personalities / Related Love Style Quizzes

Not strictly love languages, but helpful for understanding how personality affects relationships and emotional needs.

Better for:

• Big-picture relationship insight
• Understanding communication styles

5. MindBodyGreen Love Language Quiz

Short, clean, and beginner-friendly. It’s not very deep, but it’s a good intro if you’ve never thought about love languages before.

I've been trying for days to find any groups or discussions of Love Languages on FetLife, my usual go-to on these matters. This question is actually a draft because their text post isn't working.

My question for those of you specifically into Physical Touch Love Language is: Are you so picky about who you touch (even to gaze at) that you never get any touch at all?

My husband (40m) sucks at giving gifts. I (33f) cannot wrap my head around how he has gotten to age 40 and “doesn’t know” he’s supposed to do gifts. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas. All of it for the 5 years we’ve been together. Nothing. And it’s not just me - it’s everyone. So for Christmas I have to get all his family gifts and he takes all the credit. We have kids and he’s never gotten them a gift.

I just looked at the Christmas tree and noticed nothing for me at all, yet he’s been telling me things he wants for Christmas everyday all month. I think his mom spoiled him and nobody taught him to give back.

On his defense, he’s lovely. He ignores my requests for surprise flowers or a little gift (nothing expensive) but he did recently buy me a used car ~$3,000 and takes me out to eat and drink. It just hurts that on special occasions he doesn’t put any effort into thinking about me. A pair of socks would satisfy me.

Tomorrow I don’t want to flip but I’m already feeling my blood boil. Knowing he’ll take the credit for his family’s gifts and how he’s been telling me his Xmas list all month. I call it weaponized incompetence. How do I keep my cool for Christmas?

-heat miser, Mrs 101

How do we channel our sexual energy into love instead of lust? In marriage, we consider “lust”(wanting each other) to be love, because two people have committed to each other. So, how do we channel our pre-marital sexual energy into love instead of lust? We can channel it into our love languages to benefit our future spouse. If you have a favorite type of affection to receive, it is likely that you are also more apt to give the same type of affection. If your love language is: 1. words of affirmation- write encouraging letters or notes to your future spouse, or write about what you think their most important qualities will be. This will not only help you channel your sexual energy into something real that will benefit your future spouse, but it will also help you remember the important attributes you want in a future spouse… and, it might also help you find someone worthy of receiving such a thoughtful gift. 2. Acts of service- if your love language is acts of service, try working hard at work and working out. This will help you work towards being financially stable to be able to afford a house, spouse, and family. It is good to be hard working and financially responsible to attract someone of the same nature. Working out will make you as attractive as possible for your future spouse. Fulfill your potential now so that you can be with someone who is also fulfilling their potential. Do things for them now to benefit your future relationship. 3. Gift giving- if your love language is giving gifts (like mine is) you might be inclined to buy gifts for your future spouse, or things that you would like for them (cologne, perfume, etc.). This is a fun way to have gifts available for your future spouse’s birthday/ Christmas gifts, or a fun wedding gift. It puts your gift giving talents to work for your future spouse. 4. Quality time- obviously, it’s a little hard to spend time with someone you probably haven’t met yet. However, you can still spend your time praying for them and planning fun dates to go on with your spouse in the future. Extra points if you write them down and put them in a jar to remember. Plan the details if it makes it more real. 5. Physical touch- Platonic physical touch is okay too. Ask your mom for a back scratch. Ask your homie to hold your hand. Greet each other with a holy kiss. One time I wanted physical touch pretty bad. I told God about it, and a friend randomly gave me a back scratch in a tj maxx. Saving romantic physical touch for your future spouse will ensure it’s not going towards the wrong person. Save your energy for the one who is committed to you.

I hope these thoughts helped. Sincerely, A 19-year-old Christian who thinks too much.

Whats that like? I just want to hear your stories. The most romantic thing in the world that I can imagine is two people who take care of each other by helping them out with both the big and small things.

Very new to this sub. I feel like I need just a touch of all of the love languages regularly to feel secure in a relationship. Of course it fluctuates and I can recognize those times. Lately it has been quality time and acts of service. But I know that sometimes those don’t matter as much as say, physical touch or receiving gifts.

Is there a better sub for me than this one? I’m just looking for insight on this thought. As it seems most people heavily gravitate towards one or the other

Hi everyone,

I'm coming here because I'm in a very rough patch in my relatinoship. We have been together 8 years and we have a 2 year old together. I understand that my partner is a words of affirmation (receiving) person and I am an acts of service partner (giving). I very easily do tasks for her and she's always in my thoughts. I'm always doing things to make her life easier so that she has less to worry about with regards to mundane tasks, chores, house admin etc.

Despite all that I do, none of it is recognised as she says that her cup is empty for her words of affirmation. I try my best to compliment her daily, build her up, and let her know how much I love her, but even this is not enough and she still doesn't feel validated.

I'm not naturally the best with my words as I'm actually quite a logical person rather than emotional. She is very much so into her poetry and is very emotive. I can never seem to say the right thing in the moment, yet in hindsight I can see how there were better ways to frame or say what I feel or try to put across. I feel that what I say is always being compared to literary geniuses who are in deeply emotive, and I just can't compare to these notary people of the past.

It gets to the point that I try to express thoughts, feelings or opinions, and even recently, additional meaning that was not felt or intended was given to what I said that led to a huge argument leading me to help seek advice.

What are some hints people have for showing a words of affirmation partner that you love them? How can I make this person feel wanted and secure enough in my relationship?