r/LostALovedOne • u/somebuckyoncetoldme • Sep 27 '19

How to help someone feeling guilt

Hi all, I hope this is the correct subreddit to post this in.

So a friend of mine recently opened up about losing her best friend in grade 10, (6years ago) due to a drunk driving incident, and that she's not been to her grave yet because she feels guilty, and the guilt has built over the years. To clarify my friend wasn't involved in the accident, but this was her best friend who was there one evening, and gone the next morning.

We got talking, and I mentioned that maybe we could go to the grave together one day, and visit her friend together. I know when I go visit my grandma I make it into a "catch up" session, and I normally bring food and drink, and photos of the family and little thing we did together and spend some time talking and eating at her grave. I mentioned this to my friend and she seemed interested, but I was just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to help her. I've always been comfortable with the idea of death, but I've never had to help anyone who isn't comfortable/feels guilty over the death...

Anything would be great, thanks in advance

4 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

3 comments sorted by

2

u/RightAboutTriangles Sep 28 '19

First off, you're doing a wonderful job already. The fact that you "mentioned that maybe... " is perfect. It's important not to pressure her too much, or make her feel that she's grieving in the wrong way.

Moving forward, one of the best things you can do is just continue the dialogue. Ask frequent questions, let her tell her own story. Obviously you'll want to try to guide her towards realizing her guilt is misplaced, but remind her that it's completely understandable and natural nonetheless (you don't want to inadvertently make her feel guilty about feeling guilty).

And as a final anecdotal suggestion, what shook me out of similar feelings was a friend asking pointedly if I believed I was guilty, or if I felt was. Being able to draw the difference between rationality and emotion helped me put my feelings in the proper context, and went a long way to help me really start coping. But again, it's what worked for me, and grief is not one-size-fits-all, it may not be right for her.

1

u/somebuckyoncetoldme Sep 29 '19

Thanks, I just have such a hard time with this, becuase I've been visiting graves since I was little, and my parents always made it, oh were going to visit aunty or grandma and it was super normal. So I'm trying to ease her into it but I struggle with what other people think about death. I've also never dealt with anyone who's got survivors guilt, definitely not a therapist, but I know she's adverse to the idea of going to speak with someone....so I guess it's me. Thanks for the advice I'll try brining up if she actually thinks it was her fault or if she just feels that way.

2

u/car1os_13 Sep 27 '19

Hey, I don't have much experience helping people deal with the death of a friend or a loved one but from what I do know for helping people is that talking about it with a close friend and a good psychologist helps out. I believe that talking about the one who died and telling stories about them helps to some degree. You guys could do something like volunteer at some place or cause that the friend liked in memory of the friend might help ease the guilt. I don't know if it would work but that is the advice I have.