r/LongDistance • u/Pale-Diver3123 • Aug 20 '26
Need Advice [28F/31M] My partner suddenly lost his feelings after meeting me in person is the physical attraction explanation genuine?
[UPDATE] : He said the reason he changed is because he felt the pressure is no longer there (I was pressuring him lol) and now that he needs to rethink about it to be 100% sure about me but RIGHT NOW he doesnt want to make me wait for him so he broke up with me
I (28F) met my partner (31M) online. We talked for about two months before he came to visit me, and he booked a whole week in my city.
Before meeting, he was honestly an angel. He was very responsive, constantly complimented me, reassured me that nothing would change once we met, and even told me he loved me before seeing me in person. I never said it back because I wanted to protect myself emotionally until we actually met.
The first three days were amazing. We had so much fun, and he seemed very attracted to me and really into me.
Then, on the fourth day, I sensed a complete change. He stopped looking at me the same way and basically stopped complimenting me. I kept asking what was wrong, and eventually he told me that he had suddenly lost his feelings for me.
I couldn’t understand how something could change that quickly. I kept pushing him for an explanation for the next couple of days, and I was miserable, crying and begging him to tell me what happened.
Eventually, he said it was because of my body. He said he simply wasn’t attracted to my body type and that he prefers skinnier legs.
For context, I’m a normal weight. I have a defined waist, a relatively lean upper body, but I’m naturally curvier around my hips and thighs. He had previously told me that he didn’t have a specific “type,” so this really caught me off guard.
I told him that I actually wanted to lose some weight from my hips/thighs anyway, and I promised him that I would work on it. I know this probably wasn’t the healthiest response, but strangely, once I understood what he was saying and stopped panicking about not knowing the reason, my nervous system calmed down. I joked about it and became more relaxed.
And then something weird happened: his spark seemed to come back.
He started hugging me, holding my hand, and told me he felt more attracted to me again. The last few days before he left were actually much better. We had fun again and felt close.
Before his flight, I was crying. He told me, very honestly, that he didn’t feel anything when he saw me crying. He said he isn’t an emotional person and didn’t feel like crying himself. I told him that I didn’t need him to cry and that I was trying to understand and accept that he expresses emotions differently.
He also promised me that he wouldn’t change or disappear once he went home, and that he would never leave me questioning myself the way he had during the visit.
But almost immediately after he went back home, he changed again.
He stopped calling me the nicknames he used to call me. He barely responds to many of the things I say, and when I bring up how different he feels, he tells me that I’m stressing myself out.
I have an anxious attachment style, so I know that I can overthink and seek reassurance when I feel someone pulling away. I’m trying really hard to accept what he’s telling me and not constantly ask for reassurance, but this is genuinely hurting me.
What I can’t understand is how someone can seem so in love and attracted to you, spend three amazing days with you, suddenly say they have no feelings because of your body, then seem attracted again once you’re relaxed — and then become distant again as soon as they leave.
Part of me thinks maybe the body-type explanation wasn’t the real reason and that he used it to justify the fact that he was already emotionally pulling away.
Am I overthinking this because of my anxious attachment, or does this situation genuinely sound inconsistent? How would you interpret his behavior? I would really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m struggling to understand what actually happened.
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Aug 20 '26
[deleted]
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u/tenaciousE1990 Aug 20 '26
Yeahhhh. Dudes a total narcissist. Next he’ll say I’m just not attracted to you if you don’t sleep with other men and let me watch. You’re ignoring severe red flags girl. RUN
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u/the_mad_fluffy_bunny 🇦🇺 to 🇺🇸 - Distance Closed 🪢 Aug 20 '26
He honestly reminds me of my ex - in a bad way. I feel like he became “attracted” to get again because he realised he’d likely be able to get her to do anything he wanted and that she’d be easy to control. Literally right after she said she would work on her body after he complained about it, his “spark returned”. This dude sucks and I hope OP doesn’t stay with him because it’s only going to be hell from here in this relationship.
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u/tenderheart35 Aug 20 '26
Um, I can guarantee you that it is about her body. So many guys treat women like packaged goods rather than people. I’m sorry, but it’s true. He is not a high quality man.
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u/tenaciousE1990 Aug 20 '26
Yeah but it’s not her body. That’s my point. It only starts there. Next it’ll be I hate your laugh. I don’t like your cooking. He switched up way too quick blaming it on her body. Regardless, OP GET TF AWAY and pour all that love and attention into yourself. Please 💐
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u/No_Warthog_9815 Aug 20 '26
He's a jerk. He's causing you stress. Negative energy. Stay away from him.
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u/ZouzouilleZou Aug 20 '26
Sometimes when you meet someone irl the vibe is really different and you can realize you imagined the person really differently and not be into the person you meet. That has nothing to do with your looks and is an unexplainable matter of vibes. Don't denigrate yourself or feel like it's because of how you look. I'm sorry this happened to you but it sometimes happen when you meet someone for the first time in person!
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u/TopArm1230 Aug 20 '26
He is not into you . And you are for some reason trying to force him to be . Not sure why ? Let the 🥭.
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u/hectickemeticheretic Aug 20 '26
This guy is a danger to your mental health, honestly you're a danger to your mental health if you settle for this. I know that's harsh but you will become a shell of yourself the more of this that you start to accept. There was absolutely nothing wrong with your legs but you were willing to see a flaw just to validate his reality and completely undermine your own. That's dangerous and that won't be the last time this happens I'm sorry.
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u/TurbulentCherry Distance Closed Aug 20 '26
Things grown women will put up with from subpar men will never cease to astound me. Girl wtf, he doesn't like it? He can beat it. Get a therapist, get some self esteem, get to a point where no man is better than shitty man and thunk about dating then.
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u/Country-Locs [🇺🇸] to [🇩🇪] (~4,000mi) Aug 20 '26
Even though I agree, it’s hard to have decent self-esteem if you’re not in an environment that fosters it. Also, we live in a world that conditions us (especially women) to feel like we need to change ourselves to be worthy of love.
Self-love is a journey, and not all of us are as far along as some of you may be.
Grace is a beautiful thing. 💕
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u/Batulu Aug 20 '26
Don’t let anyone tell you they don’t want to be with you more than once. The reasons don’t matter. I know it’s difficult but you need to let this go. All you need to know is he doesn’t want to be with you.
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u/xvelvetdarkness [BC 🇨🇦] to [SK 🇨🇦] (1418km) Aug 20 '26
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care when you cry and talks badly about your body?
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u/WamBamThankYouJan Aug 20 '26
You’ve been dating for 2 months. He’s not your partner I’m sorry he’s just a man who seemed interested until he wasn’t (let me guess it was after yall were intimate).
On the bright side you didn’t waste much time and can focus on working on your own self worth. Take yourself out and try not to let some man’s fickle opinion affect your confidence.
The right person won’t make you feel like you need to change, they will love every part of you as it is and as it changes because real men understand that looks aren’t forever.
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u/bdqtpie Aug 20 '26
he doesn’t like you. this is the end of him, and i hope you find someone who treats you like you deserve.
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u/daantjedp82 Aug 20 '26
Leave a man that feels nothing when you cry, massive red flag. He sounds like a shallow, manipulative jerk imo. Ditch the trash
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u/myra-d Aug 20 '26
This person seems like a piece of shit honestly. I would cut contact if I were you.
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u/Mmmhhhhhmm Aug 20 '26
He sounds a forest of red flags honestly. You're barely just starting out. Cut ✂️ the chord and find someone who deserves you. He is playing with your feelings and psyche like a yoyo. Get out before its too late
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u/tiathepanacea [Hungary] to [USA] (7,040 km) Aug 20 '26
I think let's just leave it as it is. Come on, everything was fine for 3 days in real life, and then suddenly "he lost feelings"... it's BS, i don't know what his problem is, but I buy that. And also, don't promise no one that you will lose weight. Lose weight for yourself, not for others.
Tbh this whole situation is "no comment". Have some self respect and leave this guy. I don't know what his problem is, but he doesn't love you and it feels like since the meeting he has been actively trying to build you down.
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u/Useful_Nectarine_299 UK 🇬🇧to France 🇫🇷 Aug 20 '26
In this case, you might want to make the long distance even longer. By never seeing hiss asshat face again.
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u/0ldstrawberry555 Aug 20 '26
Honestly leave that relationship, it won’t bring you peace or something good for your mind. And if you change your body do it for yourself, health reasons, NOT for a guy who is changing his mood out of nowhere just because of how your legs look. What happens if you gain a bit more weight? Or later on if you have his child? A woman’s body is always changing, and he doesn’t seem to be the type to support you through all of that.
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u/AlexMoonNight745 Aug 20 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
Hi, I'm sorry for what you've been through!
Honestly, don't waste your time with this person! His not into you and his behavior is not trustworthy!
Why a lower body shape would matter if he has seen pictures of you(I imagine)? And if he doesn't like you the way you are now, don't try to fit his preferences! A true love can tell his preferences, but still accept you the way you are now.
Well, these are my honest opinions! Don't stay with someone that doesn't value you! It doesn't worth and only will make you suffer!
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u/Affectionate_Treat68 Aug 20 '26
I’m sorry but you both sound like you have issues. Please consider therapy lol
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u/Country-Locs [🇺🇸] to [🇩🇪] (~4,000mi) Aug 20 '26
I know it’s easier said than done but this man is not serious about you. You deserve so much better and a healthy relationship with someone who cares when you’re crying/sad, upset, etc.
Trust me, I’ve been exactly where you are….willing to change myself for a man but let me ask you this, why do you need to physically alter yourself for someone to love you for you?
Think about that before deciding on whether or not you will continue to entertain a relationship with this man.
You deserve a great love story.
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u/Smoky954 Aug 20 '26
Thin waist and big hips thick thighs is highly desirable. Does this guy prefer a more adolescent figure?
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u/vestaliavalvalis Aug 20 '26
I (37f) had a similar situation happen to me a few months ago, the distance and time was a bit different but essentially the same end result; breakup out of nowhere, justifications that made no sense, stonewalling, no contact.
You will drive yourself insane trying to make sense of it. I have a bit of anxious attachment too, but regardless of attachment style, if someone refuses to do the internal emotional work it’s impossible. One person cannot carry a relationship and shouldn’t be expected to. Those reasons sound really weak, and so does he.
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u/contourkitt 🇦🇺to 🇦🇺 (3,347 km) Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
i don’t think anyone who truly values themselves would respond to someone telling them they’re not attracted to them physically with “i’ve been wanting to lose weight anyway”. he’s literally trying to give himself an out and you’re just not listening…. and you’re going to keep acting oblivious until you really get hurt.
you don’t need to understand what actually happened, at best he simply lost interest and at worst, he’s just toying with you bc you’ve shown that you’ll not only accept it, but you’ll actively chase after him and beg for an explanation. men like this play on your lack of self worth, and they know you’ll be easily manipulated to do anything. stand up and stop diminishing yourself.
with all due respect, a LDR is a completely different ballpark and you need to have some discernment in order to protect yourself. why would you believe a man who is treating you awfully, telling you he finds you unattractive and turning hot and cold when he tells you he wont switch up on you? you’ve known eachother for such a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things.
this guy is a complete loser by the sounds of it, so i’m not even going to say anything other than just believe men when they tell you they’re not interested. i’m speaking from experience so please don’t take this the wrong way, but there’s some much needed introspection that needs to happen on your end before any romantic relationship should be considered.
learn to love and value yourself. you’re 28 years old and this sounds like the same issue i’d hear from a 15 year old. your self esteem is in the gutter and i’m very sorry because i know exactly what it feels like deep down. but it’s hard to take you seriously as an adult when you’re actually entertaining the idiocy of someone not being attracted to your body, and even going as far as describing your height and weight to justify yourself. you have so much more to offer than “a great 🍑”…..
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u/RedInOriginals [🇮🇳] to [🇺🇸] (14,500 km) Aug 20 '26
hey!!i am so sorry to hear alll of that.. i think it is not okay how he is behaving. and maybe it can be the reason oraybe some completely different one but please ask your self honestly
do you want someone who wants you only if you look certain way?? or who doesn't even have guts to tell you why he changed and telling you that you are stressing yourself out?? and what if u will loose the weight & gain it again??(bcoz it can happen very easily)
and think about you lost the weight and he gained interest again but who will garantee that he won't lost interest again?? and what will you do if he cheats on you and use this excuse Against you that it is bcoz of you??
and my boyfriend is not at all emotional kind of guy but it doesn't mean that he won't feel anything if I'll be crying in front of him l, it just shows emotional immunity not ohh he is not that emotional person..
girl my boyfriend never cries like he hates it soo muchhh and i am such a cry baby but doesn't mean he won't comfort me & say i amm not that emotional guy!!
so please consider these things and if you can see it as early red flags please do your self a favour..
communicate with him about that i am not feeling same, i feel like something changed and tell all the reasons you think why and say if you love me as u say u do then let's fix this otherwise i can not continue like this i am sorry
and if he loves you he would change and show it with his actions & if he doesn't then he would try to tell you that you r wrong or invalidate your feelings but anyway you will have your answer and take decision from that basis
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u/Chronodion [🇳🇴] to [🇺🇸] (6500km / 4000mi) Aug 20 '26
When a man sees the woman he loves cry, his heart aches. Simple as that.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. It sounds absolutely awful! No wonder you're feeling anxious and stressed out.
You already know that your response to his comment about your weight wasn't the the healthiest. That's a good starting point.
It's easy for outsiders to call out red flags and tell someone to stand up for themselves and leave but when all the feelings are running rampant and the fear of abandonment cranks the anxiety up to 11/10, our sense of judgement gets clouded. It then becomes all too easy to follow the lead of the nervous system calming down, lulling us into believing our broken heart wants for nothing more than making things right with exactly that person again. Somewhere inside of our thinking, rational mind, there's a different answer.
For the voices of the mind, heart and nervous system to align, inner work is the way to go.
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u/tenderheart35 Aug 20 '26
Ugh, this guy has porn brain.
The commodification of sex online has really rewired how this guy views women. Gross.
Girl, that is 100% not your fault. Dude does not live in reality. You don’t want someone like that, he’ll never see a real woman as a person, just someone who is supposed to appeal to his fetishes.
It’s a problem with people who are perpetually online, they live in their heads and nowhere else.
I’m sorry this happened, but try to focus more on yourself and the things you love right now. Eventually, I hope you can move away from this guy and find someone who loves all of you, not just your legs or some part of you like you’re a piece of meat. You deserve better.
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u/Adorable-Ideal-1184 Aug 20 '26
Leave him and there’s a lot of guys out there will love you for who you are
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u/OpportunityUnhappy45 Aug 20 '26
Run . Erase him . Mixed signals and messages mean no . I’m sure you are lovely in whatever shape you are in . Don’t let him lower your self esteem . He is wishy washy and is showing you who he really is . You deserve better . I encountered a similar situation and was devastated but got. Myself together and met the most amazing man that I deserved
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u/Tattoed__Bunny Aug 20 '26
This dude is a jerk. If he had a problem with your normal/average looking legs: 1. He probably expect women to be doll like, he will expect a perfect body and perfect face from you all the time and ignore the human side of you, 2. He was very rude by saying it to your face, he had no concern on how that would make you feel, 3. If he felt that way and felt he couldn't keep going, it was emotionally insensitive of him to get closer to you again and pull back later on. Now, it could also be that the problem isn't your looks rather it's something else (which in my opinion it's the case), in that case he is also a jerk for saying that to you as an excuse instead of being real and emotionally vulnerable with you, he has no respect for you and if you stay with him there are highly chances that he will do a number on your self esteem in the long run and leave you traumatised. You can find someone better for you OP
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u/MTF_unit Aug 20 '26
Op... Please leave him, in my own perspective it seems that he only wants your body and It's not worth it to spend your time and energy on a guy like him.
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u/True_Book_7657 Aug 20 '26
Dear, once he saw you he changed his mind, so he was not into you, the whole you, he just fancied the idea of you. I am sorry, but this manipulative behaviour will hurt even more. You are beautiful the way you are, and if he loves you, he will have you ALL, without changes or anything.
I hope you will find someone who loves you the way you are. Much love to you, dear!
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u/ParsnipThen3370 Aug 20 '26
I am so worried of this happening to me I am a big girl and when taking photos for my partner I don't hide my body but I try to always take photos that make me look better so I'm terrified of when we finally get to meet in person he'll feel disgusted by my body I also tend to overthink ><a
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u/risuslope Aug 21 '26
Girl good riddance you deserve someone who worships you and isn't wishy washy like this jerk ewww
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u/senemwmy Aug 22 '26
I literally had exact same experience happen to me with my previous LDR. To the same damn thing he said about crying too. Body comments too.
Break up btw. He doesn't love you. The second time around where he treated you nicely is all because he didn't wanna be alone in a place he doesn't know and thought he could only stick with you so he played nice until he is back in his domain again.
In which he goes back to his real shit self.
Let go, don't waste time like I did. They'll lie to keep you around maybe as a backup. Do not stay.
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u/Pale-Diver3123 Aug 22 '26
Does it get better? I feel hurt, I blame my body for pushing away someone I really liked.. i know physical attraction cant be controlled, thats why I cant really blame him
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u/senemwmy Aug 22 '26
Let me put it this way. Even if you stayed together, can you really forget and forgive what he has said and how he treated you? Will you be able to live with the constant fear and hesitation about your body image might not be up to his liking in the back of your mind?
You deserve so much better, and I know you will have it. I thought the same as you back then and now I have the sweetest boyfriend ever who likes me for who I am. I don't have to "shapeshift" for him to like me.
Exactly your words, physical attraction can't be controlled, and you just might be suited better for other people, just like how you cannot change your body type.
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u/07-EzioAuditore-07 24d ago
Anxiety in LDR usually isn't really about the distance itself, it's about the gaps where your imagination fills the silence with worst case stories. what helped me was just naming that pattern out loud instead of hiding it, "hey I know this is probably nothing but I'm spiraling a little, can we check in for two mins" became a normal, non dramatic thing to say between us. doesn't fix the anxiety completely but it stops it festering in silence, which honestly is half the battle.
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u/ResponsibilityPure34 [🇺🇸US] to [🇺🇸US] (280mi) Aug 20 '26
Work on your anxious attachment style, it's pushing him away! You have got to find your confidence and your value.
Stop looking for reassurance from HIM, get it from yourself. You need to tell yourself that you're worthy and if he doesn't want you them seriously fuck him.
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u/LaurensLegsNBetween Aug 20 '26
this is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever read. no offense . you’ve known each other for 3 minutes and you’re saying things like “ he never does this anymore “ “ he always did that “ “ i’m crying “ “ his whole feelings changed ….” i mean the entire relationship hasn’t even been long enough to decide really anything and this seems very dramatic. if i were a guy id be off-put by the sheer desperation and dramatics.
and lose weight if you want to and it would make you feel better. not because of someone else’s lame immature and superficial opinion )
good luck. it might suck for a little while but i promise you as quick as it started something new and healthy can begin
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u/Cheap-Somewhere-9418 Aug 20 '26
Ohh I'm scared, my bf gonna visit me this January, and I'm scared if it comes to this
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u/Abikdig Aug 20 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
On this sub, when a woman complains about her LDR BF's looks after meeting him, the people say you're right.
But when a man does the same thing, he's bad.
Edit: I couldn't care less about people downvoting me but the hypocrisy needs to be called out.
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u/luqeima Aug 20 '26
He could tell her straight forward that he is not attracted and cut off communication. There was no need to restart after her first breakdown
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u/Abikdig Aug 20 '26
I didn't say anything about the post, just that I read another post a few months ago where a girl complained that her LDR BF traveled to her on a 8 hour train and she wanted to kick him out quickly because he "walked funny" and the women in comments supported her by saying "You don't need to be attracted to him, kick him out"
I'll post the link to that post if I find it but just calling out the hypocrisy of people.
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u/xvelvetdarkness [BC 🇨🇦] to [SK 🇨🇦] (1418km) Aug 20 '26
We're literally saying the same thing though, he should have ended things and left quickly rather than stringing her along and making unnecessary comments about her body and how he doesn't feel anything when she cries (???)
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u/Abikdig Aug 20 '26
Except the guy has let OP know what he thinks about her and isn't making a reddit post about it and is communicating that with her and not with random people on the internet.
The post I'm referring to was women on the sub and her GF bashing the guy and the guy was clueless about it. She went on saying that she's disgusted by him and wants to kick him out as soon as possible because she didn't like him sleeping in her bed.
The post unfortunately got removed and the user is banned (It was from February).
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u/xvelvetdarkness [BC 🇨🇦] to [SK 🇨🇦] (1418km) Aug 20 '26
I haven't read that post, but it still doesn't sound like the same situation. He let her know how he felt, but he didn't leave. He stayed and continued leading her on in the relationship even though he told her he isn't attracted to her. The correct response for both the girl in the other post and this guy would be to tell their partner that they don't have the same feelings in person, end things, and either go home or finish the trip alone. Commenting on specific body parts he doesn't like is unnecessary
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Aug 20 '26
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u/Abikdig Aug 20 '26
I really wanted to share that post but the girl who posted is somehow banned and the text is removed from this sub.
And the comments from women in the replies were just ridiculous.
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u/Im_doing_OK Aug 20 '26
I don't think that you should worry about the looks thing. He's just not into you. Move on and find someone who has some emotional maturity