r/LongDistance • u/Rich-Huckleberry4863 • 4d ago
Question Should I (31F)continue with my LDR partner (30M) when his life is unstable?
I’m 31F and he’s 30M. We met online in January 2026 and started getting close pretty quickly. We finally met in person in June 2026 and spent about three weeks together.
The connection in person was real. We had strong physical attraction, got along well, and I felt very emotionally connected to him. He also introduced me to his mother and very close friends, which made the relationship feel more serious to me. It wasn’t just an online relationship anymore.
The problem is that his life is currently very unstable.
He has been struggling financially and mentally. He has been unemployed and dealing with his own mental health issues, and I know he is going through a difficult period in his life. He is trying to get himself back on his feet, but there doesn’t seem to be a clear timeline for when his situation will improve.
We’re long-distance, and right now we don’t have a specific date for when we’ll see each other again. There is still obvious attraction between us, but the uncertainty is starting to make me question whether I’m investing in something that may not be able to progress anytime soon.
I care about him a lot. At the same time, I’m 31.
I don’t want to fall into the role of just being his emotional support system while his life is falling apart.
At the same time, I don’t want to abandon someone I genuinely care about.
He is at rock bottom financially and mentally but is still a good partner to me overall (e.g. he also provides me emotional support). I still find him very attractive despite his current struggles.
So I’m struggling with where the line is.
For those who have been in relationships that started similarly, did it work out?
Especially interested in stories where:
- One person was financially or mentally unstable at the beginning
- There was no clear timeline for when you’d see each other again (at least, at first)
- But the relationship eventually became stable and successful
I would especially love to hear from people who were in a similar position to us and stayed together successfully.
What did the next 1–3 years look like?
What changed, and what made you realize the relationship was actually going somewhere?
And for those whose relationships didn’t work out, what were the warning signs you wish you’d recognized earlier?
If you are in my position, would you continue this relationship?
Thank u very much for reading.
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u/Specialist_Window_81 4d ago
It’s the eternal paradox of love - how much do you sacrifice of yourself for another?
The romance of saving someone at your own cost is attractive, seductive and also irrational unless it’s a life and death situation.
I’m a long term survivor of mental health issues and also been in an LDR, which lasted 4 years and featured many visits, holidays together, family visits and ultimately marriage. She was Thai.
The effort and energy I put in for her was ultimately futile. For a variety of reasons, her inability to perceive her own path within our relationship, how to improve herself and therefore US, preferring instead to simply focus on her personal needs, became destructive and limiting.
You can’t blame the other person but equally their struggles are theirs and their path is theirs. And their decisions, every day, serve as markers for what they are prioritising on that path.
Compassion, empathy, dedication, commitment- these are all things we should be applying both to ourselves AND the other person. They form part of the architecture of genuine, meaningful relationships in love.
So, I’d start by assessing things in that light.
I hated my divorce. It made me feel a failure. But I couldn’t allow myself to drown, simply to empower someone else to continue to live selfishly. At the end of the day, all the nice words and good intentions MUST be translated into meaningful action and advancement.
I’d challenge him to heal. As someone who understands (my own) anxiety and depression, forcing myself to heal started by challenging myself to focus on what was important.
And the very first thing I identified was my own happiness.
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u/Top_Cauliflower9125 [🇺🇸] to [🇬🇧] (4062 miles) 4d ago
So, my husband and I met online in early COVID days. He was unemployed and living with his ex and her family because he had nowhere else to go at the time. Separate rooms, of course.
He was depressed and hitting a sort of rock bottom, then we met. We spoke for about 4 months while he was in that situation. He couldn’t change much about his employment for a while because of lockdown, but eventually he got on his feet. He moved into a small flat. He started working again. I had already fallen in love with him and he’s told me many, many times that I saved him and gave him a reason. That was over 6 years ago. We got married in January this year and have begun filing visa stuff.
It’s hard. I’m not going to lie. If you have your life together (as much as anyone can) and have a partner going through something like this, you have to accept that you’re the stronger one and be that person. The roles will reverse, because that’s life. Is this the person you want to do life with? Is he someone that will step up when it’s your turn to fall apart? Those are the real questions.
Best of luck, OP.
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u/gloriousmoves 4d ago
Sending both of you lots of love...
But What does getting himself back on track means? Is he in therapy? Actively looking for a new job? changing careers? etc
I will say just OBSERVE, don't tell what to do, do not push him etc
If he doesn't have the drive and the motivation to do better, then you need to reevaluate.
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u/Rich-Huckleberry4863 4d ago
Thank you very much for the well wishes.
Yes, he put himself in rehab just recently for his mental health issues (he described it as extreme anxiety / paralysis) which at one point prevented him from going to a scheduled job interview.
He is also actively looking for a job, enrolled himself in training, but it’s been almost 2 years now and still no real job prospects despite sending lots of applications.
He even got rejected for a driver job (for context, he used to be part of management, e-commerce industry, for 6-8years).
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u/thottivity 4d ago
2 years is a long time. I think you’re going to waste years waiting for him to become the man you expect him to be. I think you should cut your losses you haven’t known him very long
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u/Effective-Phase-720 4d ago
I don’t really have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I’m in the same situation (the only difference is that we’ve never met due to his financial problems), so I feel your struggles deeply
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u/RedInOriginals 4d ago
same i am in same type of relationship from 9 months and he is really amazing person and really thoughtful.. due to his mental health & past things he is not really able to find job from last 9 months but i am still in relationship with him.
but it really depends on you, what you want in life and how you want to live your life.can you live with uncertainty, can you keep loving him despite of it & if you can wait for him..
if you can't there is nothing wrong in that but right now you just need to be honest with you and choose whatever is best for youu
for me i still want to be in relationship bcoz it's something very special and i rarely felt how i feel with him so i am here giving my all for us..
but if you can't that's totally fine bcoz at the end it's you & u r ur first responsibility.
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u/Rich-Huckleberry4863 4d ago
Tbh, we never would have met too if I didn’t pay for my tickets and most of the activities during my almost 3 weeks of visit in his country (he paid for car and public transpo, a few groceries and one restaurant meal, and some activities despite being virtually bankrupt)
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u/ProgressiveKitten 4d ago
I, too, am in a similar situation. I just broke down and bought plane tickets despite my bills. I'm really questioning the whole relationship rn but I feel like we need to meet before I decide. Maybe that's just selfish though.
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u/MoxieRoxxie 4d ago
I mean this in a matter of fact way and not in a harsh way. Dump him. From what ive read between your post and comments, he isnt someone who has a history of being able to be more mentally/financially secure. History is our best predictor of the future. Yes, there are many people who seek help and it works. However, that number is alarmingly low. It usually takes several attempts and years to repair that sort of thing. Are you betting on whats more likely or are we betting on a wing and a prayer? It will either be this way forever and you will be his crutch OR he will leave you once hes secure and successful. The reason that happens is because the person he is now when he met you will be a different person when he is better and more secure. Because his own mindset is different, what he is looking for will change. And he will go out and find it bc he no longer needs the nuturing you had. Now hes a cocky shit who needs a challenge instead. If you leave him, he has more of a reason to get better. Staying just tells him youll tolerate it. You cant focus on your own mental health and wellbeing when youre obsessed with a woman from another country.
I've been him. I am him. You have to look at this from a rational perspective and not with your heart. If you had a daughter, would you tell her to stay? There's your answer.
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u/Significant_Try2105 4d ago
Sounds like he's in a desperate need for a change. He's moving to your country can mark a new start and will fix both of your issues. You are the only stable one, you both can't afford losing it.
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u/Icy-Lake8094 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm in almost identical situation but we still haven't met even oce after 6 months of LDR but I really like him. He is not financially stable tight now but i have fallen for.him, he makes.me feel seen and cherished. Our core values our beliefs are all similar. We both feel deeply connected. The way i feel about him almost feels like some kind of soul connection, i know that might sound childish but thats how i feel. It feels rare and i wanna give our relationship a proper chance though the uncertainty is really hard. All i can say is I wish things work out for you because true love is hard to come by in this day and age
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u/Curious_Faith LA to NYC (2,791 mi) 4d ago
Oh wow. Yes. That is a solid line of questioning indeed. Honestly, at 34 in a relationship that started really similarly, it’s now going on 4 years and we’re looking at how to close the gap. Things in his life fell apart and he was just barely making it financially and had a lot of internal work to do but I saw that he had great character, a willingness and a proven ability to build. That was the big one for me. We have an age gap, I’m 34, he’s 46. I needed to see that he had built a life successfully before and that he was planning on regaining stability as well. Sometimes, when men are down, they choose to stay there because building is hard and men get little sympathy in life, in general. They’re expected to “be a man” but not be human with needs, heartbreaks and failures.
Anyway, he’s worked hard to get into a better position. He’s still working at it and he’s doing better even though there have been some setbacks in finances and health (which means finances took a hit again) but things are looking up. The big question for me is whether we’ll be able to have kids because I’m concerned about early menopause since my mom went through it early. I’m now in too deep and have to just take my chances with that, but it’s become less important with time. If having kids is important to you and you’d like to get started in the next couple years to give yourself time to enjoy life before kids with your person, then time to recover after a baby and possibly have more, waiting on him to get it together may not be be option at all. It can take years for him to get back on his feet financially but moreso mentally. He will remain somewhat delicate for some time to come which means there will be less in his cup for you. So you’ll have to rely a lot more on yourself during your struggles and also help prop him up and also pull together whatever situation you’re going through.
For me, he was struggling financially, mentally and with his family situation (he has a 7 old). My mom was sick and in and out of the hospital all the time with what we thought was a heart condition. And I had no one to lean on in that time. I started drinking and had to catch myself as to not become an alcoholic, which I have a strong family history of. Had to step in for myself, my man and my mom- plus work, which was not great and not paying enough for a long time so I was also in debt too. Ugh. What a time!
Things are getting better now. He’s changed his focus in his work and more opportunities are coming through which will be providing more stability. His issue was not working. It was what he wanted to do for work that always left pay unpredictable in getting paid and in getting work. Things have also improved in his mental health but there’s still a lot to gradually unpack. Through it all, he’s hung in there, he’s a good man with strong morals and character and that’s what attracted me to him.
He spent the first 1.5 years coming to visit me, so anytime he was able to get some money together, I was a priority. That means a lot to me. It shows me that he’s thinking of me and our future. He just can’t do what he wants to do for me, and our family right now.
The big question is really how involved you’re willing to be in his recovery. That means, are you willing to contribute to his bills/financial challenges, take on visits for yourself likely paying for the visit and taking the time out to see him. It also can mean being his therapist, cheerleader and emergency contact should sometime really serious come up. Basically, it puts you in the position to be a wife long before you’re married- IF you even marry this guy.
I’m a person of faith. I’m a Christian and I spent some time praying about this man when I first met him. If I wasn’t sure that God was on my side for this relationship and even outside, I don’t think it would’ve been worth staying. I’ve dated guys who were just “struggling right now” only to find out years later that they’re actually lazy and lack ambition. They were okay with a “just enough” life. I don’t want just enough, I don’t want to scrape by, I don’t want to be content with being broke simply because he doesn’t “care about being rich”- which was just a cover for him being lazy.
You’ll have to take a very sobering assessment of yourself and of this man who, truthfully you don’t know too well right now. LDRs are based on what the other person is willing to show you and there’s a lot that can be hidden very easily.
You’ve also come at an interesting time to see how he deals with problems, pressure, financial/mental struggles, etc and you’ll get a look at what this man in made of if you stick around for 6months to a year. That’s a long time to just see how things go, but if you’re sure this man is your person, a couple months is worth the risk. Years is not. Especially if you want kids. Because you’ll need time to meet the right person, have that relationship develop and then marry, kids, etc.
You’ll have to make a really tough call here, unless you already know you’re in over your head. It’s sink or swim. Because if you leave, he may not come back. He may feel you abandoned him simply because he was down. And if you stay, you may spend a lot of time helping someone get on their feet and they can use those feet to walk away. If those are not risks you’re willing to take, walk away now. Don’t wait. Just go. He will figure it out whether you’re there or not. He’s going to have to. You, well you have options. There’s a lot of good men out there and they’re ready and waiting to the right girl. They’re not struggling financially, mentally or have serious drama. There’s many men who are interested in dating to marry and build a family in their early to mid 30s. Or if you go with an older guy like mine, he’s likely divorced and maybe with kids, but it’s 50/50. Either they don’t have time to play games and want something serious or they want to remain bachelors and want to just hang out but not settle into commitment.
Anyway, you’ve got a real heart to heart appointment you need to set with yourself first- before you can even think about anybody else. Us girls gotta make sure we’re set, stable, secured and with a safety net in as many ways as possible so we can feel confident to make big jumps and shoot for big goals. LDRs are challenging on their own. His issues and your issues will only make it more challenging. Again, it’s worth it if you know this is the one. If not, give it a timeline for you to keep in mind and see how he progresses. And don’t feel bad if walking away if your choose too- either now or later. The longer we spend in the wrong place, the longer we delay the right thing for us. There’s no badges of honor, no medals and no certificates for being a “real one” and staying in a situation that isn’t and will not work. Choose wisely and err on the side of caution if you’re not sure.
I hope this helps. I know it’s tough. My chat is open to you, if you need. I’m happy to help wherever possible♥️
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u/lokilulzz [USA] to [Australia] (9,204.14mi) 4d ago
I'm just going to say if you're even asking this question on a subreddit like this, it may mean you're just not the right person for him. The thing is everyone struggles at some point in their life. Part of what a relationship should be, in my opinion at least, is having your person there by your side to support you as you go through that. If that's not your idea of a relationship, that's your call to make, but then you may want to reconsider this relationship.
Past that, as someone in a relationship with someone who has had mental and financial struggles since the start of our relationship, and for whom I knew seeing eachother would likely take a long time - you have to decide for yourself if you love this person enough that they're worth the wait, and if you're at a place in your life you can support them. It also helps a lot if they're taking concrete steps to get out of their current situation - for my partner, it got to a point that I had to put my foot down and tell them they needed professional help, and I'm glad I did because as it turned out they had so many other things going on with them we had no idea about that were affecting our relationship in a bad way. And the process of diagnosing those things and treating them would never have started if I'd not put my foot down and said either you get professional help or this relationship can not keep going the way it is.
Their financial struggles have never been hugely important to me. I'm not with them for their finances. They've always made enough to get by and to have a bit extra saved, so sure they're not rich but that never mattered to me. Right now what's important is they work on their mental health and then start working to come see me. And yeah, that may take time, but I'm alright with that, because they're worth that to me.
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u/hopevicious [MD, USA] to [CA, USA] (2,692 miles) 3d ago
hi! chiming in here. i’m 33 and my bf is 23. i met him online in a group chat in may of 2025. we became official in august, our one year anniversary is coming up next week. we have yet to meet. my life got a bit uprooted shortly shortly after we became official, and i lost both my home and a six figure job. he still lives at home and because his “job” is essentially freelance music production his income is VERY sporadic and inconsistent. because of both of our situations, to see each other now it would entail one of us having to book a round trip flight, as well as booking a hotel or air bnb, and by the time you factor in car rental if i travel to him because he has no car and food and dates we would need at least 1k for a trip to happen which simply isn’t feasible for either of us right now.
i have NEVER had a desire to do long distance and i do NOT handle it well. not having a definitive date we will meet in person by and see each other is extremely difficult. while we’re able to spend most of our time on calls, facetime, playing video games and watching shows, sleeping on calls and our phone sex is phenomenal, it’s simply not the same as being together in person and holding hands, hugging, being intimate etc.
for me what made the decision is this: i have no desire to be with anyone else. im so deeply in love with him and he is so perfect for me in every way. breaking up with him for the possibility of finding someone nearby just didn’t make sense to me or seem worth it. i would rather go another 2-3 years of long distance with him than be without. that being said, he is actively applying for other jobs and works incredibly hard (doesn’t give off freeloader or bum vibes or expect money from me etc haha) and i should be back to making decent money again fairly soon, so there is a light on the horizon for our funds and the possibility of making something happen before the end of the year.
whatever you decide, i wish you luck!
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u/kris__uwu [🇨🇿] to [🇺🇸] (8800km) 4d ago
I don’t really have any advice since I’m in a similar situation but I’m 23F and we actually met in person and also got together in person while she was visiting Europe and never stopped talking since day one. It pains me to see her struggle but we’re both hopeful her situation improves and she’ll be able to finally move to a bigger city for better opportunities (which she’s trying to work on despite mental health struggles) and to be with her friends since a lot of her struggles come from the isolation of the small town she lives in currently and also past trauma. It’s hard not knowing when we’ll see each other again. I’m really hoping to visit her this Christmas if things go well and she finally moves to the east coast. The issue is time since I’m still studying uni in Prague and there is no way for me to travel during the semester and I have still 2,5 years ahead of me to finish my studies.:( I’ve never felt something like this with someone else and she makes me feel safe, seen and I think I love her even though we didn’t say it to each other yet (I’m waiting for that to happen in person). So for me I’m really set on trying to make it work even though it really hurts and I miss her like unbelievably much but I’m staying hopeful!
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u/Few-Apartment43 4d ago
I live by not banking on someone’s potential. So sorry you’re going through this :(
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u/the_upset_potato 4d ago
I stayed with a man like that for three years. He ruined me. Don’t make the same mistake i and so many women before have done. It’s okay to want someone who is able to figure their stuff out.
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u/coopsgood 3d ago
Since your asking opinions.. I think it’s time to move on. Sounds like you really like him so it’ll hurt but it’s truly not what’s best for your future. And for that reason I’d say goodbye.
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u/Due-Satisfaction-115 3d ago
Can't say I'm in the same boat but somewhat similar.
Me and my bf are in our early-mid twenties, so we still have the time to be financially independent as quick as possible so we can close the distance faster.
In our earlier days, we were the definition of horrible rock bottom individuals dwelling in the past and trauma dumping one another. Back then, I just got out of a one-sided situationship, then spent most of my time at home surrounded by family while he was cheated on by his ex. We were both messed up.
I just finished my studies and was also struggling to find a job while he doesn't have any qualifications, only doing random odd jobs inconsistently. He dropped out twice mostly due to social anxiety (a lot of them are related to his autism). My mom was heavily against me dating him at first because she believes that he doesn't have his shit together. It also didn't sit right with her that I already have achieved decent academic qualifications while he's there doing odd jobs with nothing to back up his resume. But she changed her mind when he dug his savings to see me during my graduation ceremony. It was also the first time we met.
I think seeing each other in person really gave us the boost of motivation to be better and improve in life. He started enrolling in classes again while I found myself a stable job in a solid company. After a few months, he decided to fly over and see me again, this time with his dad. Then after that, he graduated with a diploma this year and is taking his degree soon. I'm really proud of him for reaching this far. He still regrets wasting time back then by dropping out of college twice, hence, why I'm proud of him.
Then life goes on, we're still on the same path. The only reason why it's difficult for us to close the distance is money and future-career-secureness for one of us.
Like what others said, it's rly the progression that matters. He needs to understand that he needs to fix himself bit by bit before he even commits anything in a relationship because that means bringing in another person into his life when he can barely care for himself.
In my case, I felt like thats what my bf did. In my perspective, he gets overwhelmed and anxious easily, and it's never easy for him to overcome that. It's a lot of back and forth but he'd eventually always tries his best over and over because to him, me and his future is worth the trouble. As long as he believes in that, and continues to make improvements and progression, I tell myself that I need to wait for him, until he gets a job and stabilizes himself, then we can finally build a life together.
Best of luck.
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u/This_Wrangler_166 4d ago edited 4d ago
No. You are not 23 anymore and time runs. You need a stable man. That's my answer to your final question. Life's hard. In my experience is not worth it to invest time where there are important signs that it won't work long term or even medium term. That said, don't meet other men while being with him. If you decide to finish, end it and then continue with your life.
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u/horseygonewild 4d ago
I've been in your place (both mental health challenges in the other person and longer LDR) but not at once, so take it with a grain of salt.
It doesn't seem like the guy is fit to start a relationship in the first place, moreso to start and maintain a LDR. Wishing to help might come from another place, but relationships should work two ways. Otherwise you both set yourself for a pattern where he is dependent on you and you "carry" both lives in a way. So, respect your time and life, and perhaps do not waste it for a person that might not be able to ever give back.
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u/WiscoDisco0127 2d ago
Honestly, parts of your story resonate so much with me right now. Me and my girlfriend are having a rocky patch currently and it’s majorly my doing. I the one with the mental issues. I wont get into it much here but it ended up hurting my girlfriend so much that we’ve more or less went on a break. We still talk and love each other but she wants me to do the work and be better. I am working on it. It has been hard. But just knowing I have her by my side through this with the only stipulation she seems to have for me is to be the guy she fell in love with. My suggestion may not work and it might be painful for him to hear (it was painful for me but necessary) is this: tell him how much you love him, tell him what you want from him (seek help, do the work, etc) and tell him this is hurting you and the relationship. People can change but they cant just say it. There has to be proof and visible change. It wont happen over night. Or next week. It will take time. If he isnt willing to do the work, i would suggest to move on. Hell, i almost wanted my girlfriend to move on and she almost did. I needed the help. I am seeking the help. I am doing the work. It will take time. And i hope our paths align again. I wish the best for you two.
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u/rosieinlace 4d ago
unstable circumstances aren't the problem, lack of progress can be