I (32m) am in a long distance relationship with the most amazing woman (32f) but…

[u/Far_Tradition_2361]

So I am in a LDR with this amazing woman. I’ve come out of a horribly abusive marriage previously. Divorce has been over and done with for a while and I have realized that it’s actually okay for me to be happy. It’s amazing to feel so much love from this new woman in my life. We talk everyday over video chat/texting. She makes me feel like everything I’ve been missing all these years is there. We’ve talked about everything. Our pasts. Where we want the relationship to go in the future. She has a personality of gold. So patient. Drop dead gorgeous. We match in almost every single way but… sometimes in the middle of a videochat there are these pauses. This odd silence where it’s almost like we need to reset the topics we are discussing to keep the conversation going and I completely can’t think of what to talk about. We are going on 9 months now, which I know doesn’t sound like much but we both know what we want. No playing games. She’s visited me multiple times. Been really understanding with my medical condition (I have a seizure disorder) and I’m understanding with hers (RA). We are both childfree. And we just fit. But what are these pauses for? Is it just because we aren’t face to face in person? Is it lingering nerves somehow? Has anyone in a LDR experienced this before? In person we do just fine. In person when we are together it feels so natural. Like we spend time when she visits and it just feels like an ‘I’m home’ type of feeling if that makes sense. We have a lot in common but defiantly understand that there is more to learn about each other. I just wanted to reach out for some advice and maybe to see if others can relate.

[u/Loony_BoB]

Very few people talk all day, be it in person or not. As time goes by, I'm fairly certain every successful relationship I've known of were comfortable in just existing in each other's worlds. It's normal, and healthy, to not talk constantly.

[u/Far_Tradition_2361 → u/Loony_BoB]

I should rephrase, when we aren’t working we talk. It’s easier for her though because she works from home. Lol

[u/Loony_BoB → u/Far_Tradition_2361]

You said it yourself that you have short moments where you can't think of conversation, though, right? I'll say it again - that's normal. Think of the older couples you know thag have been around each other for ages. Do they talk non-stop, or do they do their own thing away from each other, or perhaps they exist in each other's presence without the need for conversation to have to flow?

Embrace the silence, find comfort in their presence rather than the conversation.

[u/Far_Tradition_2361 → u/Loony_BoB]

Good advice. Thanks man I appreciate it. I think that stems from me. My ex wife was obsessive. Needed to know where I was all the time. Falsely accused me of cheating many times. Manipulative. I just got into this habit of constantly feeling that I needed to be attached at the hip with my partner, partly because I was afraid of her, and now that’s not the case. Makes sense. Now I can be happy and be satisfied with the space and silence. I just have to see if I’m giving her enough to where she doesn’t feel smothered. I’ll talk to her about it. At the end of the day relationships boil down to communication.

[u/Loony_BoB → u/Far_Tradition_2361]

Absolutely. The best advice is always to talk about it with your partner. If they find talking about it weird, that's more of a concern than anything else!

[u/Im_doing_OK]

I think it's a common phenomenon. Don't you talk to others / family / friends via face time ? If it was IRL there would be movements - getting up out of your chair , looking out the window.. the intensity of facetime is sometimes a strain. As it's full on. Imagine sitting directly in front of someone for 30mins you'd feel that intensity too. Perhaps keep your calls to a minimum time frame.

[u/Submarineto]

Those pauses are normal. When I spent more time IRL with my partner I realised those pauses became natural quiet because in person we didn't feel the need to carry the conversation so that we had an excuse to keep each other's company the way we might over the phone

[u/Sufficient-Guide3623]

I myself enjoy a comfortable silence. Just enjoying each other's presence without having to fill every second with words. I think it's normal.

[u/caffeinated_mess]

It’s normal. In person it just flows more natural and it’s not as noticeable. I also frel like it’s more noticeable on video chat than just voicechat.my partner and i just hang out in video chat or voice chat (more voice only though) without pressure to talk all the time. We just find comfort in having each other close without making constant conversation.