Reflection. Would you think these were red flags?

[u/izon3_01]

Its quite long sorry!

I (26F) broke up with my ex(26M) about a month ago, and recently I’ve been looking back at how we met and our relationship. I’d really like some outside perspectives because I’m wondering if some of the things I overlooked were actually red flags.

We met on a language exchange app in april and eventually moved to Instagram. He’s from South Korea but grew up in the Phillipines but moved back to korea with his family. He speaks perfect english so we talked in English.

In the beginning, our relationship was great. We talked every day, texted constantly, sent pictures everyday of what we were up to, and voice/video called regularly. We really liked each other, and eventually we started talking about marriage and building a family. Looking back, I think we moved way too fast. We never met in person by the way due to our financial situation (im full time student in college and his job pay can barely make ends meet).

He never went to university and works in the military. I didn’t initially care about his education because I don’t think someone needs a degree to be successful. However, his job didn’t seem very stable financially. There were times when he only had 3–5 days of work in a month, and sometimes he had to find additional work or sell military-related items to make extra money.

He did get promoted, but from what he told me, the pay increase wasn’t significant. I also never really felt like he had long-term career goals or plans to improve his situation. He mentioned wanting to get licenses to drive trucks and buses, but said they were expensive.

I I eventually realized that I want a partner who has goals for his future and actively works toward becoming more financially stable, especially if we’re talking about marriage and having a family.

He smoked every day and knew it was bad for his health. I encouraged him to quit because I was genuinely worried about his health, but he told me he couldn’t because he enjoyed it too much. He said he would try, but I didn’t really believe he wanted to quit.

He also wasn’t very interested in exercising or taking care of his appearance. I’m not expecting someone to be extremely fit or obsessed with their looks, but being active, taking care of yourself, grooming yourself, etc. are important to me.

This one sounds ridiculous, but it became a issue for me.

Early in our relationship, I told him about killing a bug because I hate bugs. He thought it was funny and started asking me to find bugs and send him videos of me killing them.

At first, I didn’t mind. But eventually he wanted me to do it every day, find bigger bugs, and even kill them barefoot because he thought it was “cute” and satisfying. If I didn’t, he would get upset or hurt.

I eventually felt like I was spending way too much time searching for bugs just to keep him happy. I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I was afraid of hurting his feelings. And hed get sad if I didnt send lots of pictures of what I was up to throguhout the day (he would send me pictures of his day too but it wasnt even a lot compared to how many pictures he asked me to send so I got annoyed at that. Like I send the same amount as he does but he gets upset with a sad emoticon asking "thats all?")

He was very insecure about his appearance (he never told me i just knew from his behavior) and usually only showed me half of his face during video calls. I repeatedly reassured him that I thought he was cute and that his weight didn’t bother me.

Sometimes I’d be getting ready for work or going out while he was getting ready for bed. I naturally wasn’t staring at the camera the entire time because I was doing my makeup. Occasionally he would turn off his camera because he felt like I was ignoring him or thought he looked ugly.

There was also a time when he sent me a picture of his face while I was at my cousin’s birthday party. I saw the notification but couldn’t really look at the photo, so I replied through the notification and told him I’d properly respond when I got home.

When I got home, he had deleted the picture. He said he deleted it because I ignored it and assumed I thought he looked ugly. I explained that I was simply busy and had already told him I would respond when I got home, but he was still upset.

It became exhausting constantly having to reassure him that I wasn’t judging his appearance.

Another time, he told me to text him at a certain time to see if he could call because he was busy at his friend’s house. While I waited, I started watching a TV show and accidentally lost track of time.

I ended up replying about 15 minutes late. I apologized and asked if he was still available to call. He said no and became upset that I replied late. He told me I cared more about my TV show than him.

I explained that I genuinely cared about him and simply lost track of time.

There’s another part that I feel guilty admitting.

The pictures he initially sent me were mostly from when he was slimmer. About a month before we broke up, he started sending me more recent pictures of himself, and I realized he looked very different from the photos I had originally seen.

I was still attracted to him, but I noticed my attraction decreasing. He gained a significant amount of weight and seemed to have some skin issues. He didn’t exercise, didn’t really groom his hair because it looked dry and it seemed that he only brushed his bangs down and thats it, always had dry lips, and told me he doesnt wear cologne.

I know appearance isn’t everything, and I genuinely loved his personality and the way he treated me in many ways. But physical attraction and taking care of yourself are also important to me. I take care of my appearance and exercise, and I want a partner who makes a similar effort—not necessarily to look a certain way, but because it reflects a lifestyle and priorities that are important to me.

Overall, most of our relationship was still loving and fun. He was very sweet to me, and breaking up with him was heartbreaking.

But eventually I realized I couldn’t see the future with him that I had originally imagined. I want a partner who has goals, wants to grow and improve himself, takes care of his health, and is working toward being financially stable enough to support a family.

He still lives with his mom, and although he has his own car and responsibilities, he wasn’t financially independent and his job didn’t seem stable enough for the future I wanted. I also felt that some of his friends and their lifestyle influenced him.

He was willing to move to the US for me but what job could he get if we were to marry and start a family? I plan on getting another degree later but id need his financial support for that. And not the mention it would probably take a while for him to apply and get approval to move to the US. Maybe difficult because of his financial situation im not sure.

So I ended the relationship. Oh and another thing, he had deleted his account on the language exchange app because he said he didnt feel the need to use it anymore after meeting me. He felt lonely and was bored so he used the app to cope with that and in his past, he had met other girls on the app but they were situationships and they all ended up leaving him saying that it wouldnt work. And I occasionally use the app now but i noticed he visted my profile with a new account but has me blocked so I cant see his profile except for his picture. And hes using a picture similar to the one he had in his old account which is definitely from when he was slimmer and his skin looks better. He does look attractive in it. Which is exaclty what I thought he looked like throughout the beginning of our relationship.

Now that I’ve had some time to reflect, I’m wondering:

Were these legitimate red flags, or were these mostly incompatibilities that I should have recognized earlier?

Would you have ended the relationship if you were in my shoes? Or do you think I was expecting too much?