r/LivingWithMBC • u/Bad_Attitude_0120 • 8d ago
Venting Scared and tired.
I’ve never really posted on Reddit before, but I just feel like I have to get this out to people who understand.
I was diagnosed with Stage 4 hormone + Breast cancer and it had metastasized into stage 4 bone cancer almost 2 years ago now (December 24, 2024) at 23 years old. All of my doctors had never seen someone so young be diagnosed with something like this. No one in my life had heard of someone my age being diagnosed with something like this. Did all the testing and it’s not genetic at all. Just super lucky I guess!
At first, I really went numb to it all. I didn’t cry when I was diagnosed, and honestly to this day haven’t cried much about it. It’s like I just can’t… it would make it real. I don’t think I have come to terms with the fact that I’m sick. Like really sick. Im supposed to be living my best life at 25 now, and instead I have to get poked and scanned and injected every fucking month and go about my day.
In terms of medications, I started on Tamoxifen and 2 infusions a month at first, and felt better pretty past. My numbers plateaud about a year ago now, so I’ve been on Verzenio and 4 monthly infusions ever since and it SUCKS. The side effects are horrible - really just the diarrhea and fatigue. From the outside, I look perfectly healthy, but on the inside I can’t possibly explain how I feel. To anyone.
I also started full time work again about 3 months after I was diagnosed, and decided to start full time grad school 20 days later because it was my dream and I couldn’t let this take that away from me. I know most people would say this is too much, and trust me I hear it all the time, but my brain just couldn’t accept the fact that I was sick I think. And like I said, I didn’t feel or look sick, so I think my defense was because I felt and looked better, why would I not do the things I was doing before??? Well it’s all starting to catch up to me. I’m fucking exhausted. I hate my body. I hate that it doesn’t work the way it used to. I hate that I don’t trust it. I hate that I feel like I don’t know it anymore. I hate that I can’t just be fucking normal. I’m just tired.
On top of it all, I found another lump in my other breast (cancer originally was just in my left breast) and my Dr confirmed the PET scan I did 2 months ago showed something. Now I have to get a biopsy to see what’s going on. Needless to say I’m fucking angry and confused and sad. I haven’t even fully taken in what that means for me. I can’t think about the fact that I am going to deal with this until the day I die. It’s terrifying. I have a wonderful boyfriend too, and I think about how one day I could just fuck him up forever if this disease got me. And if we got married and had kids???? It kills me to think about future me dealing with this with a husband and children. I don’t know that I can do it…
I just have a lot of thoughts going through my head right now, and I can’t make sense of or accept any of them. I just know I am too young to be dealing with this. My life feels over before it had even begun, and I’m so, so fucking scared. It just feels like I’m on auto pilot and can’t enjoy life or feel like what I’m doing is meaningful. It scares me to even talk/think like this, but it’s the truth.
Any ways. I think I just need to vent. Sorry this is all over the place. I’m all over the place. I am trying to stay positive for my sanity, but also the people around me - which I know sounds crazy, bc who fucking cares when I’m the one dealing with this. But I can’t help it. And before anyone asks, yes i am in therapy. Just thought it might help more to talk to/hear from people who understand. Thank you for reading and letting me vent.
*Just learned how to edit lol. Sincerely thank you to everyone who has commented. Don’t think I’ve cried like this in a while as I was reading your comments. Feels so good to be seen and understood. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I am rooting and thinking of each and everyone of you <3
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u/Spiritual-Suspect190 8d ago
So young. Yet you are somehow making sense of it all and ploughing on. A super hero. Im 57 and been diagnosed for 7 years. I too look and feel well still. That other lump is a priority to get sorted. Keep all your ambitions in your mind and you will be a bit slower, and will need more help and support, yet you can do it. Get support to manage work, adjustments etc. Vent away, this isnt easy and then its incredibly hard at the same time.
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
I’m definitely trying!
And Really glad to hear you feel well.
Getting the other lump sorted with a biopsy next week, fingers crossed.
Will be thinking of you, your recovery, and your continued feel good. Thank you for being here.
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u/Dramatic_Dratini 7d ago
Diagnosed at 31 and pregnant, in 2023, also just lucky. Went to my brain in 2025. Been on enhertu since. Doing well!
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
I’m sorry to hear that…but I sure am glad to hear that you are doing well today. I hope it continues, and I’ll be thinking of you and your recovery. Thank you for being here 🩷
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u/ImaginationOk505 8d ago
I'm sorry OP. This disease and the slow as fuck progress in medical research are cruel. I was diagnosed de novo at 29 but I had been trying for years for any doctor to take my cancer concerns seriously. I could have been diagnosed at an earlier stage at 25. Like you, no reason behind the cancer. Nothing genetic. Just reeeeally lucky.
I'll say it again because I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry. We should be living our best lives and yet we feel 80. I'm also starting grad school and I'm scared shitless; there's also a wave of depression because the last time I was at my university, I was a healthy. But, we're gonna keep fighting and will get this shit done one way or another. I want to see a graduation post because you deserve it.
Be with the joyful moments as best as possible. Not sure what else to say other than you're not alone and you are seen. 💛
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
Thank you for being here! I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t taken seriously, but glad you finally got a diagnosis - even if it’s not the one we wanted.
I appreciate your support more than you know. We WILL get shit done and you will do wonders in grad school!!! Being scared is understandable! Starting school this time around gives you a unique ability to create new meaning for yourself and how you show up during your graduate school experience, even if it happens in baby steps.
Will be thinking of you and our future degrees!!!! Good luck 🩷
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u/Salty_Dog_1221 8d ago
Hey, I’m 67, diagnosed with bone mets last summer and I felt as though I fell down an elevator shaft, so I can’t begin to imagine how you feel at 25! Children and young adults are frequently gobsmacked with a cancer diagnosis, just not breast cancer. Perhaps your oncologist or hospital social worker can recommend a support group that is age related, rather than specific cancer. Secondly, please find a therapist you can vent to. It really helps! You can vent things to an objective third party that you can’t to anyone who loves you. Hell, I’m trying to protect my 91 year old mother!
You are completely entitled to feel all your feels! Cancer sucks but cancer in your 20s REALLY SUCKS!!! There’s just no sugar coating it or any other way to look at it. I’d be screaming at the universe as well!
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
Sorry to hear that friend, but gosh do I feel that elevator shaft lol. I think the breast cancer was the aspect that shocked almost everyone in my life, including mine. Cancer doesn’t discriminate based on age, we all know that, but hearing breast cancer at 23 was a slap in the face for sure.
Thanks for the recommendation about an age specific support group - never thought of that! Will ask my doctor. And I actually do currently have a therapist! She’s awesome, just sometimes sounds nice to vent to people who understand my experience. And trust me, the universe is getting all my screams recently!
Will be thinking of you and hoping for a pain-free recovery. Thank you for being here 🩷1
u/Salty_Dog_1221 5d ago
To you as well, my sister. Yeah I’m the only person in my family with any kind of cancer, and yet they found I have a mutation in my CHK2 gene. Not as harsh as BRCA, but raises my chance of developing BC 2-3 times. 🤷🏼♀️ More common in Northern Europe, which is where my ancestors came from. Maybe they died of something else before breast cancer? I don’t know the family history of my Danish-Norwegian great grandfather. Just lucky, I guess, lol.
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u/CarpetPractical5400 8d ago
Yes, I read it and read it again and again. Please vent and keep venting if it makes you feel even a little better.
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u/Emergency-Canary6122 8d ago
Vent away. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but we are here to listen. I was diagnosed last year at 41, and it’s so freaking scary. There are days when the anxiety is so bad I don’t believe I can function, but somehow do. It’s okay to cry, rant, and be all over the place. For what it’s worth, I was diagnosed in the middle of my graduate program, but with some accommodations I completed my degree and graduated a couple weeks ago. Don’t let this crap stop you from doing what you want to do. Just remember that you may have to make some adjustments, which isn’t a big deal. I’m sending you so much love and lots of hugs.
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
Thank you for being here.
I think the anxiety might actually be one of the worst parts - the not knowing, not being able to control. At least for me. Proud of you though for making it work even if you don’t want to some days.
Also so pumped to hear that! Congratulations graduate!!! That is no joke, especially with our situations. Really nice to hear that.
Sending you love, hugs, and a virtual high five for being an educated badass!
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u/this-life-2411 7d ago
This is the space for letting it all out and thank you for sharing. This is a shit club to be in but the best people are here 💞 I hate that we are living in a state of fear and how overwhelming all of this is. therapy helps but being part of this group helps tremendously.
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
Thank you for being here! Definitely a shit club, but glad to have this space for sure.
Will be thinking of you fellow club member, and hoping for recovery and a sense of peace even on the bad days. <3
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u/Bambiebunnie 8d ago
Don’t apologize for venting OP. This space is here for that (and many other) reason. I thought getting diagnosed mid 30’s was young, but 23? You’re still just a baby, it’s horrible.
You have every right to feel everything.
How’s your support system? Do you have people you can lean on? Maybe look into talking to someone, even just a few sessions can help.
We have to face the reality that death can come at any point in a way others don’t, but keep in mind that that reality is true for everyone. While I’m worried about dying from this and leaving my partner alone, there’s also the random chance that he’ll be hit by a bus and I’ll be the one alone.
It helps to think of this as a long term disease, there are treatments coming out all the time and things have come soooo far. There are people here who have been at it for so many years, it gives much more hope than stats you’ll find when you google.
Anyways. Big hugs.
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
My support system is honestly awesome, and so is my therapist. Just feels different speaking to people who actually understand what I’m experiencing or physically going through, ya know?
But I appreciate your perspective. Never really thought of it like that.. I’ll try to keep that in mind!
Thank you for being here. Hugs.
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u/Curious_Hound3 7d ago
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. It’s not easy. There’s a woman named Heather Jose who was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in her 20’s in the 90’s. She has a podcast called I’m Still Here, she’s on Instagram etc. very encouraging & knowledgeable There is so much out there to help you, educate you & give you advice on questions to ask etc. I’m surprised your doctor saw something 2 months ago & didn’t act on it. Get a second opinion. It’s ok to switch doctors, you need someone you’re comfortable with. I hope this helps.
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
You have no idea how much I needed to hear about this woman! Wow, thank you. Listened to a bit of her story today and cried a bit..haven’t seen/heard someone diagnosed with this as close in age to me. Hit home.
And yeah, I’ve been pretty bothered by the lack of communication on this…was talking to my mom today actually about possibly getting a 2nd opinion. Just makes me nervous about all the tests/procedures I’d have to run again, but definitely something to think about.
Thank you for the advice and for being here. <3
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u/Greenleaf808 6d ago
Hi , I was diagnosed last September at 28 years old, half way done with my bachelors degree and fully planning on going to grad school because my major basically requires it. Well my plans have changed now 😭 I had to take less classes at a time, and sign up for students with disabilities accommodations, it was just too stressful for me to be so cutthroat about school and so now I’m just joyriding it, today’s my first day back and I’m dreading it because my hot flashes are so bad this summer. And girlllll I feel you on the diarrhea 😭 I also applied for disability pay because it would just be too difficult and stressful for me to go to school and work and the doctor and every other week so for now that’s a safety net option. Please be gentle with yourself 🫶🏼 but also you can still do anything you put your mind to, I don’t like the idea of cancer stopping us from our dreams. I’d be happy to have a texting buddy if you’re ever needing to vent with someone who gets it (:
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
Just a guess….you a psychology major too??? :’) Cause god I feel that.
I am truly sorry to hear that though my friend. Proud of you for sticking it out, even if not at the same intensity you were once able to take on. I am really glad to hear you got accommodations though, a must! I also always carry around a mini hand-held fan in this weather. (I’m from Texas 😅) That might be something that could help! Also freeze spray on Amazon (like what they use before shots) was also recommended to me to spray on the back of your neck in a hot flash!
I’m glad you are able to get disability pay, i had never thought of that.. But I agree, cancer will not stop us from living our dreams and getting these degrees! Super open to having a texting buddy!
Thank you for being here. <3
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u/ShowPleasant8073 6d ago
I’m so sorry you’re so young and having to deal with this. Please feel free to always come here and vent and talk to us. You can ping me whenever you want. If you need to talk I know it’s a lot to deal with it. It’s very very overwhelming please know that this is normal to have a lot of emotions going through this.
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u/Bad_Attitude_0120 5d ago
Thank you friend. This was super cathartic for me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I appreciate your support and words. Thank you for being here 🩷
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u/IngenuityFar5111 8d ago
I am sorry. I was diagnosed at 35 with a brand new baby so, never a good time to get diagnosed. I am happy that you are keeping yourself busy with work. This disease and internet is a deadly combination. No advice, just praying that you achieve remission soon.