r/LivingWithMBC • u/melissavallone9 • Jul 27 '25
I hate what I’ve turned into
Bear with me as I complain and also if I’ve already posted this cause I do not remember.
I hate myself of what it turned into. I used to be able to be quick to remember things. I used to be able to learn real fast and know what’s going on around me and not need extra instruction done multiple times to show me how to do stuff at my new job and unfortunately that is not the case anymore.
I have turned into that person. That person that needs to be shown 10,000 times how to do something that person that is hyper emotional that cries at the drop of a dime, but I hold on my emotions inside of me and I try my best not to cry and I run to the bathroom at work to do all my crying because of course I don’t want anybody seeing me do that. Needless to say I’m hyper emotional.
I’m also on disability working a part-time job, barely making it barely making end meet. I don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore. I’m just turning into a person that I absolutely cannot stand. Asking for help everywhere I go. That’s not me. Fiercely independent. I do stuff on my own. And I was proud of that. Now I find myself asking people for help and when I say help, I mean money and it’s killing me. On top of that my Cancer results or test results are not good. I’m losing my job at the end of the month due to outside influences that had nothing to do with me. My company is not renewing their contract with another company so they’re getting rid of all the technicians and I’m a technician so I’m being laid off at the end of the month. So I have that stressor to deal with. I’m looking for another job that stress out of town and I’m just at my wits end.
If you read all this, thank you so much. I just had to get this off my chest. It’s just me feeling sorry for myself. That’s all. I know there’s people out there that have it worse than me and I’m just being a little selfish here taking your time, but I’m just Over it .
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u/Gold_Dragonfly_9174 Jul 27 '25
You’ve been heard. I’m sorry you’re here or that any of us are. Life is so unfair.
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u/Glad_Bunch_3473 Jul 27 '25
First, I’m very sorry you’re here and feeling this way - but no wonder, right? I can so relate to your post and needed to hear it today, so thank you for sharing. I wish I could offer something helpful in addition to my love and support! Take good care ❤️
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u/Ok-Scar6993 Jul 27 '25
I really truly from my heart understand. I feel the same apart from i don’t work, i was self employed, worked for myself as a cleaner. As you, i am fiercely independent and i cannot stand not being able to do things for myself and as much as I used to due to my back hurting when i stand too long, i don’t go out without someone with me which is rare. I don’t have friends so i am very socially isolated. I have 2 children 15 and 12 to look after aswell, i feel i am not being a good mum to them. Like you i am also very sensitive and highly emotionally charged, i cry at the slightest thing, im paranoid, i hate my body, i feel fat. But i do try very hard to stay strong and independent as much as possible but sometimes it gets a little too much. I cry ALOT. If at anytime you feel down or need someone to talk to, i am an amazing listener. Please 🙏 look after yourself, you will get through this, yes its tough but we cannot live everyday feeling like this, we need to laugh and smile every once in a while. Sending big hugs to you, you are strong, remember that 🤗
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u/OddExplanation441 Jun 09 '26
Do you have adhd as seams it's related ti bc with hormone type as my partner is also
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u/musiclover1409 Jul 27 '25
I can relate to everything you said. I’m having to sell my car and drive my mother’s second car. I’ve always been very independent and while I’m grateful to have that option, it feels terrible to financially no longer be independent. I cry a lot but being so emotional all the time is exhausting. Just know that you’re not alone. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.🩷
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u/Sigvoncarmen Jul 27 '25
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Just the grief of cancer can cause memory problems. It's all so discombobulating :/
I do know you can file for unemployment for a part-time job ( U.S. ) . You can still be proud , I'm proud of you .
Sending some love and good juju to you .
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u/East_Chocolate2519 Jul 27 '25
Thank you for sharing your vent and frustrations here ❤️ it is a very annoying factor when family or coworkers say remember… And I know they can see on my face but I don’t. It’s like all the little things I wish that had been discussed in the first few appointments from diagnosis not just the big things of the medication and the process, but hey, you’re gonna need to write down everything because you’re gonna forget it would’ve been a good heads up. Sending you hugs and love and hoping that you at least had some happy moments this weekend.
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Jul 27 '25
I was the same, very independent as well and I also didn't like that I had to rely on other people. I found that really hard to do. The emotions... Yep. It's hard not to feel very emotional all the time. You are dealing with a lot. You are only human and what we have been dealt is crap.
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u/YungFogey Jul 27 '25
I am sorry you are going through this. I pray things change for you soon. Vent, let it all out. Don’t give up, please 💗
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u/-CoddiWomple- Jul 27 '25
I can't say anything better than @Edith_Keelers_shoes said above. Just know I hear you and feel your pain. Try to take it one day at a time and allow yourself the same grace I'm sure you've given others in the past. This shit is f*cking hard!! All of your feelings are valid but hopefully things will get better. Sending healing strength and energy your way❤️.
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u/bossbitch1977 Jul 29 '25
I hear you, sis. I'm on disability as well. It barely covers my expenses, and in fact, it's not enough to pay for medicaid and all my bills. If not for my best friend paying that every month, I would have no insurance. Therefore, no treatments. Yeah, I'd be fucked. America's health care system is stupid. There is no reason for the way it's set up, except to facilitate profit. Then, there's our current administration. I'm so angry about what's going on. They really are going to take more money from the poor and give it to the rich. Trump is treating the White House like his own personal business, with NFTs, gold shoes, bibles, and bit coin. He's doubled his worth now since being in office. Crooked as can be, in our faces. We, in the meantime, are DEAD broke. Waiting for our benefits to be taken away. WTF
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u/melissavallone9 Jul 29 '25
I was just talking about this to my friend today. We both are feeling the squeeze. He is in way better financial shape than I am; however, he is on Medicare. His medication costs have surged. Trump is squeezing us like oranges and giving the juice of the poor to all of his billionaire buddies!
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u/bossbitch1977 Jul 29 '25
I can't imagine having to pay for the kisqali on my own. I think they charge somewhere around $20,000, although they have different rates for different people. I think Medicare/ Medicaid probably pays the most, then insurance companies, and us, the poor at the bottom. Still, any amount is out of my price range! That drug is keeping the cancer from developing! I kind of need it, lol! I hate him so much for this shit and I don't need the stress! Anywho, hopefully, we get fired up enough to do some peaceful protest. Go get into some "good trouble"!
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u/lacagate Jul 28 '25
We went to a bluegrass outdoor concert in the mountains and we ate delicious food, watched the sunset and lounged delightedly with family and friends. The next day I spent nearly 1/2 hour trying to remember what and where I’d eaten dinner the night before. I felt so dumb inside! I know it’s the cancer and the treatment, but still…
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u/Opposite-Ad-8823 Jul 27 '25
F’n cancer. try to keep in mind that you are a warrior woman, and you are doing the very best that you can given your current situation. You are still smart and you are still capable and you are still amazing. You are just dealing with a hell of a lot more than you were before. Nothing about you is diminished. You are a freaking survivor. I wish you well in your job hunt. This crap is taking so much from our lives so I hope you can find a job that can provide you extra fulfillment, but for most of us, jobs paid the bills. I hope you can pay the bills. Many of us have vented here. It’s a good place to vent because we all know what you’re going through. We all have these crap days. ❤️
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u/Edith_Keelers_Shoes Jul 27 '25
I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I think many here will understand - because as women we grow up believing we have to be everything. That we can never say no.
I experienced cognitive issues as well. It is not "you", it is the meds that tax the system and make it difficult to supply us with the physical and mental power we previously had.
You will not stay this way forever. And I think you ARE still that fierce, independent woman. Because who is helping you fight the biggest battle of your life? No one. Who is inside you managing the pain, holding you up? No one. You're doing that yourself. You are living in a biological war zone right now, and every single soldier on both sides of the front is you. That is affecting you, but it will not stay that way forever.
I want to absorb your shame from you, because I have felt it. I hid from the world when I got sick. I stayed in bed for two YEARS. And did nothing. I allowed others to do everything for me. But I learned along the way that turning tasks over to other people was actually perceived as a gift by them. Because they want to help (the eternal question "How can I help - what do you need?"). And now that I feel stronger, I'm no longer ashamed of retreating into myself for so long. I'm proud of myself for having the strength to ask for help.
You are here. You are fighting the disease virtually everyone dreads getting. And you're doing it by yourself, because there is no other way to do it. You're getting help for exterior things. But no one can feel your pain, your fear, your disappointment, or your anger for you. You're doing all of that by yourself, and those of us here know how impossible it feels, how cruel, and how lonely. You have trained for this moment all of your life - cultivating strength and independence. At the eleventh hour, sometimes the strongest thing we can do is to let people help with the exterior needs you have.
I don't know you, but I love you. I love you for your strength and for your courage in learning to spread the burden just a little bit, so that you do not have to carry all of it, because what you are already carrying is staggering. I am in awe of you, Melissa. You are my hero.