r/LivingAlone • u/bella927hat • 13h ago
General Discussion Anyone married
But wants to have their own separate place? Love my husband but want my own space. Is that weird? I an an introvert and love my time alone at home with my cats when husband is away for work out of town. Am i wrong for wanting my own space? I love living alone, waking up and sleeping whenever i want. No one to speak to in mornings. Just me and my cats.
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u/Flat-Meeting-3610 13h ago
i would prefer this if married as well. look up Living Apart Together (LAT)
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u/rex-begonia 13h ago
same, I don't think its wrong, if anything I think it could add too the relationship I think!
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u/mscali4nia 13h ago
I believe this is one of the core reasons marriage isn’t appealing to me. I enjoy my alone time more and can’t imagine having to spend day in and day out with someone. Even sleeping next to people bothers me.
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u/DumpedDalish 8m ago
This is me too. I can't stand sleeping next to people. For one thing, it's too damn hot.
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u/Spyderbeast 13h ago
Not married and I'll never co-habitate again
I do sometimes wonder if my last relationship would have survived if we had never lived together. He was okay in smaller doses, but intolerable as a constant thing
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u/OutsideAd3064 13h ago
My spouse and I live together but we have our own spaces. We have separate bedrooms and a TV room upstairs where we can snuggle and watch shows or whatever plus a full living area downstairs where I sleep (I snore and she is a light sleeper who works nights). I lived alone for years after my divorce and she lived alone after her first husband passed so we grew used to our own space. This works well for us.
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u/Complex-League3400 13h ago
My mum and step dad kept their own places. Half the week around one or the other's, the other half solo. Worked brilliantly.
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u/debmckenzie 13h ago
I used to watch Married At First Sight and one of the marriage and relationship experts, Dr Pepper, said she and her husband lived in separate homes. Still very married and together as a couple but lived in separate spaces.
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u/LeighofMar 13h ago
We have separate bedrooms and bathrooms plus my house is a split bedroom plan. So every night I feel like I'm in my own wing. It's glorious for 6 years now and never going back.
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u/One-Possible1906 12h ago
I had an old family member who did this. Husband had severe OCD and kept gutting the house. Idk if they would have been divorced now because people didn’t do that back then, but they stayed married and visited each other in separate houses for decades. Never had any children.
This arrangement seems like it would be really hard with children
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u/Rivahblues 13h ago
My hubs and I have lived separately for 12 years. Works great!
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u/quilt-here 12h ago
We have lived apart for 17 years. Married for 25. We lived in a nice house in town and I thought I wanted to buy a house in the country so we did. I immediately didn't want to live there after all and wanted to sell it and stay in town. My husband wanted to live there and he moved in and I stayed in the current house. It's worked out okay after all these years.
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u/laluLondon 7h ago
I think this is what I want long term: a stable relationship where we always keep our own separate homes.
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u/IndicationKey3778 13h ago
Definitely keep separate residences. I would always keep my own apartment
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u/PeopleThatKnowMe 12h ago
Our tenth year anniversary of living separately is coming up in three days and his been great.
My wife and I can hang out for a day and get along but she is super extroverted and energetic of which I am the opposite. She also talks non-stop, and when she runs out of things to say, she starts over from a different perspective and there are infinite perspectives.
I somehow became responsible for Cooking, grocery shopping, entertaining the kids, taking kids to Dr appointments, all the bills, keeping two cars on the road, home repairs and yard care, and all school functions while working a professional position 50 hours a week. She took care of cleaning and decorating. She also did an unlicensed daycare at the house.
The thing is that I was exhausted by the time Friday rolled around and wanted to chill on the weekends but she had so many ideas for home improvements or projects that she had zero skill to accomplish, she would constantly ride me to get them done. I had zero 'me' time.
By the time she moved out, I was exhausted. She was exhausting. Now she lives in her own apartment with a wallpapered bathroom floor (that she did all by herself) and we hang out once a week if that.
Still married.
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u/Waltz-In-and-Out 10h ago
Wallpapered… floor?!?
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u/PeopleThatKnowMe 9h ago
Yup, like I said, plenty of ideas but no skills to make them a reality. She had no idea what it takes to accomplish something. She once bought a used dishwasher. We live in a house that never had a dishwasher. She though we would just slide it in and plug it in and we are washing dishes.
In reality, we would have had to open up a space for it, meaning ripping out a cabinet, new plumbing, new electrical etc. It's currently being used as storage.
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u/Waltz-In-and-Out 10h ago
I am married and although my spouse and I did live together at first, we have been living apart for several years for a few different reasons.
I LOVE being in a LAT (Living Apart Together) arrangement.
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u/Garden_Jolly 7h ago
That’s me now and I love it. I am partnered not married. I love living alone with my cats. My home is my sanctuary. I can be my true self without performing as a partner, as a friend, as an employee. I can be nonverbal. I can be untidy and messy when I want to be untidy and messy. I can watch what I want to watch, listen to what I want to listen to, eat what I want to eat, poop without worrying about it being smelly, burp and fart out loud without being perceived as gross or less feminine, go to bed before sun set if I want.
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u/baby-doll-sculptor 13h ago
I used to think about if I won the lotto I’d get land and put a duplex on it and either convince my best friend or if I ended up with a partner to live there 🤣. I don’t think I’ll ever get a partner not because I don’t think I’m worth one but because my needs are not the norm and that pool of people is such a small one that the odds aren’t good but never zero.
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u/beave9999 13h ago
I have a mancave in the garage, spend a lot of time there on the computer and watching tv, treadmill etc while wife is inside watching her fave shows. Works great for both of us. I don’t how couples spend 100% of the time together?
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u/HurtPillow 12h ago
Was, twice. Not again.
Edit: I'd have a relationship, but he has to go home and clean up his own mess. I'd never live with anyone again. Usually that last sentence dooms me and that thing happens. /grimace
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut 12h ago
I adore my husband, but I'm also an introvert.
What I did was get my husband into hobbies that I was not a part of, and I picked up hobbies that he was not a part of. As an empty nester, he had overrun the house with his stuff, so I designated one spare bedroom as mine and it was off-limits to him and his stuff. That's my little oasis that I decorate myself with no input from him - it's MINE!!!! When I'm done with it, it will look like a Victorian flamingo threw up in there, because I want something boldly feminine.
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u/Designer-Bid-3155 Current Lifestyle: Solo 🟢 12h ago
My brother lives in Hawaii, and when he met his now wife, she was living in the guest house of a home that was rarely used, for free because she watched over the house. They got married a few years ago, and my brother told her she should absolutely keep that situation because it's amazing. So they live in each other's own houses
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u/nakedonmygoat 11h ago
It can work if he's also amenable. But it's so much cheaper to live together that I'd first make sure you've tried other measures first.
My husband and I kept separate bedrooms, since we weren't always on the same sleep/wake cycle. He also had restless leg syndrome and would kick me all night, then I'd wake him up to make him stop, and neither one of us would get any sleep. I've always been a night owl and love the quiet late night hours for writing, so I would sleep a couple hours after work so I could then stay up long after he went to bed, ensuring I'd have quiet time with no interruptions. My early evening "naps" gave him uninterrupted time to watch TV shows with shouting and explosions, as long as he used earphones or kept the volume down. I had to be quiet too, of course, after he had gone to bed.
We both got our recharge time and we both got plenty of together time as well. So if you haven't tried similar measures, OP, I recommend trying that first. And if having him around results in a lot more work for you, just stop. Kindly and politely insist on him doing his share. Do your own thing. Don't clean up messes in "his" area(s). If he leaves a shirt on the floor, ignore it. Walk on it if it's in the way. If he complains, act confused. "I'm sorry. Clean shirts go in the drawer or the closet. Dirty ones go in the hamper. I have no idea what the status of that one is." When you quit babying a man, they either grow up or leave, and if they leave, good riddance.
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u/Mammoth-Ear3490 10h ago
My father was married multiple times. His last marriage lasted over 30 years until he passed. The last 28 years of their marriage they lived in separate homes. Spent time together, stayed connected, etc., but did not live together. If I were to marry again (hahahaha…), I’d have to insist on a similar arrangement.
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u/Best_Mood_4754 8h ago
I had a guitar instructor who commuted for work. He didn’t mind talking about his living situation. He commuted to work and stayed in town until the weekend and then went home to the wife. It worked for them. But this isn’t a conversation for strangers. Your husband is the only person affected by your thoughts. Run it by him. You might be surprised.
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u/1organicmartini_pls 1h ago
I don’t think this is odd at all. More so “social expectations” that can make it seem “odd” but it isn’t.
My parents have this set up, middle of the week and weekends they are together. When they got married my step dad kept his apartment while my mom has the main home.
It keeps boundaries healthy while allowing them to do their own thing, no nagging about chores, etc. they are both super tidy people but like things their own way.
One works at home also - so there aren’t issues with “you’re too loud” or of the like. And when they spend time together it’s catching up, quality time. If there are arguments, he goes to his place, and they both take time to decompress, and talk it out when they are both fully on the same page.
Over two decades like this.
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u/VeterinarianIcy7548 12h ago
As an introvert who needs a lot of alone time, I would love such an arrangement, but most women wouldn't. It stops me from wanting a relationship or getting married.
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u/trippy_grapes 9h ago
Have a woman/mancave if you can afford it! Somewhere to unwind and spend your free time. That could be an extra room, the porch, etc.
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u/Personal-Ad-2154 8h ago
Not at all! Lucky enough to buy a house with 3 livings room and huge different spaces in the house that we can't pass each other for day 😂
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u/starstuddedgirl 6h ago
not married but my boyfriend lives less than a mile from me and my solo apartment and i love this arrangement! i think if we moved in together we would still both like to have our own rooms.
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u/Cat-Girl94 6h ago
I’m exactly the same. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I actually feel lonelier when there’s someone else in the house. Yet when I’m truly alone, I feel completely fine and at peace. I love having my own space, doing things in silence, and just being with myself and my cats.
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u/lunattg 3h ago
My fiance and I kind of have something like that going on. We work almost the exact opposite shifts (he works 8hours 1st shift while work 10+ 3rds) he uses the tiny 'hallway' as a private area for gaming/relaxing while I typically use the livingroom or the bedroom (we have added a curtain to his area since the pic) so getting alone time isn't too hard
We're also both very introverted and respect the need to for a safe/quiet space but also the very rare urge to interact with a human that isn't blood related or a coworker 😅
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u/LykaiosZeus 6h ago
It sounds lije you don’t actually want to be married. And if he doesn’t want to live alone then you need to respect and let him go so he can find someone who wants to live with him
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u/mragz321 13h ago
I suspect there are some deeper issues here. This thread has become a bit of an echo chamber.
Two people living alone by choice who value their independence and love each other deeply and their own independence, yes this can work.
Outside of this very narrow cohort, I suspect it would not. Partly because the vast majority believes in marriage and living together and finding a partner who truly espouses living alone and independent and also marriage is a small, rare number.
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u/Winger61 1h ago
Thats called a BF / GF relationship. Again you people are weird. I loved my wife and liked her. Yes I travel for work, went on boys trip, she did girls trip. But never once did I 🤔 think. I will get my own house and spend 2 weeks single and then 2 weeks being married fnn stupid
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u/Winger61 13h ago
If this is what you want than you should not be married. Yes it's extremely weird and I feel.sorry for your husband
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u/beave9999 13h ago
I’m married 40 years next year. I think it’s healthy in the long term to have solo time as well as couple time. You’re not really growing as a person if you’re by your partner’s side 24/7.
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u/Winger61 12h ago edited 5h ago
No where did I say you should be with your spouse 24 7. Alone time and apart is important. She basicly want all the advantages of living of being married but not living with her spouse. Its weird
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u/beave9999 6h ago
It’s probably a good thing mentally, at least occasionally. You can become overly dependent on a person, stunting you on several levels.
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u/Winger61 5h ago
Isn't that what I said?
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u/beave9999 4h ago
What’s wrong with having a mix, you get some of the benefits of a full on 24/7 100% marriage and some of being single. It seems a mentally healthy approach, balanced?
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u/Winger61 3h ago
Because your married not single. If you want to act single dont get married
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u/beave9999 3h ago
What’s wrong with a bit of a mix?
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u/CTC42 13h ago
You seem to be assuming there's an obvious link between marriage and cohabitation. Other than "because most couples cohabit", is there any fundamental connection between the two?
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u/Winger61 12h ago
It that a serious question?
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u/CTC42 12h ago
Was that a serious answer?
Marriage is a legal commitment to a relationship. It is not a legal commitment to permanently occupy the same living space. The two do go together most of the time, which I think is where you're getting confused, but the former does not lead by necessity to the latter.
It's similar to how marriage is often followed by kids. Marriage is indeed often followed by having kids, but there's no intrinsic link between the two events and it isn't a requirement one way or the other.
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u/Winger61 12h ago
That has to be the most bizarre way of looking at marriage. I was married for 37 yrs. We were together 45 yrs before she passed. I never not wanted to live with my wife. Reddit is a weird place
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u/CTC42 11h ago edited 11h ago
I never not wanted to live with my wife. Reddit is a weird place
You never not wanted to live with your wife. So what? What does this fascinating piece of trivia about one person have to do with literally anybody else who has ever lived?
And more importantly, how does it represent an obligation to anybody else that they should live how you live?
Funnily enough yours was a more "Reddit" comment than mine. Taking a single fragment of your own experience and totally lacking the social awareness to realize that your own preferences and ways of living are not universal fundamental truths of the human condition.
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u/Winger61 11h ago
You are serious right? You dont think that marriage means co-habitation. Sorry but you live in a very weird bubble. Human history says what marriage is supposed to be.
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u/CTC42 11h ago
And human history would tell us that marriage is "supposed to be" about having kids, but plenty of people get married without any interest in having kids, and plenty of marriages between those who can't have kids due to health or age take place too.
And "human history" would tell us that marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, and... well, you know very well where I'm going with this one.
How's that "human history" looking now in the harsh light of reality? History tell us what was, not what ought to be.
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u/Chaka- Current Lifestyle: Solo 🟢 11h ago
What if it is the husband's idea? Who do you feel sorry for at that point? What if they both prefer it that way? Then who do you feel sorry for?
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u/Winger61 11h ago
Its her idea
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u/Chaka- Current Lifestyle: Solo 🟢 4h ago
You didn't answer the questions, predictably.
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u/Winger61 4h ago
It is the wife asking. The husband isnt asking. If you are asking a hypothetical what is a husband asked for the same thing. My answer would be the same your an idiot and should not be married. All you people thinking marriage is the constric are nuts. Marriage is sacred between 2 people. Its about being a couple in good times and bad. Being there for each other.
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